Friday Q&A

Questionable Recursion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special post-election edition of the Q&A. Whether or not you took time to vote in the election was this week, I'm sure you're pretty fucking sick of hearing about the whole thing. And in a world where the next election is already getting started, we should cherish the few moments we can spend without being drenched in patriotism and wrapped in flags.

Q: What will the be repercussions of this week's Romney defeat?

A: No doubt we will be forced to stand before the council elders back on the Mormon homeworld. Now personally, I never had much of a problem with Romney. In fact, I found him to be quite lifelike, almost the next best thing to a human being. But I guess he just wasn't barely likeable enough. He also apparently wasn't very popular with African American voters, or as he refers to them, "those people".

Q: What will Obama's next move be?

A: He'll probably finish converting our country into fascist, socialist totalitarian Nazi commune. Every man woman and child will be hauled in before a death panel and forced to swear allegiance to the Koran whilst igniting a bonfire of American flags. And all of the flags will have been manufactured in China.

Q: Where did Romney go wrong?

A: It started shortly after the first time he opened his mouth. Pretty much anything that he said was wrong, or phrased in such a way the it reeked of contempt for 90% of the voting populace. The idea of electing a corporate raider to the highest office in the land did not sit well with many of the tens of thousands of workers, many in key swing states, whose careers he ended. And the fact that the guy really, really looked like a robot most of the time. Americans want a President they can have a beer with. Not only was alcohol against Romney's religion, it probably would have cause him to short circuit.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Regardless of whom you voted for, I hope the Obama administration serves your needs to the best of its abilities. Be glad that we live in a nation that gives the citizenry the right to kind of sort of elect the President. And one that spaces the elections far enough apart that we only have to freak out over this crap every four years.

Stay tuned for more patriotic musings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Evacuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special election edition of the Q&A. Just a couple more days until America casts its vote, and decides whether Barrack Obama or some other guy will be president.

Q: The election is still going on?

A: If you were hoping the end of this election season would stimulate a few glorious months of not talking about the next election, you most likely have not been around for the last several cycles. It seems the best time for pundits to wildly speculate about a date more than four years in the future is right now. 

Q: Has God made his endorsement yet?

A: God may or may not exist, but the disasters He wreaks upon us as punishment for letting our soldiers get gay married to abortion doctors are all too real. This week, God sent America's east coast the plague of hurricane Sandy. And while destroying a lot of New Jersey doesn't speak volumes about His level of approval with our current Commander in Chief, do you really think a deity that turns people into salt pillars is going to be significantly more pleased that a trust fund brat with magic underwear is calling the shots?

Q: Who do you endorse for President?

A: The endorsement of a random blogger with little to no knowledge of current events is no doubt a serious thing. I've thought long and hard on the issue, and while I struggle to care about it in any way, I never let something like that inhibit me from forming opinions before. in my opinion, Obama is probably the lesser of the two evils, since Romney is almost certainly a vat-grown alien infiltration unit attempting to learn our nuclear launch codes. You know, like most Mormons.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. When you cast your vote on whatever day Election day is next week, remember that it doesn't matter unless you live in key parts of the country.

Stay tuned for more voter apathy from the Doctor!

Spookday Q&A

 Questionable Insertion

Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a frightful new edition of the Q&A. The scariest day of the year is rapidly approaching, but don't worry, I'll have full coverage of the upcoming election next week. This week is all about Halloween.

Q: What's the best way to have a safe Halloween?

A: From inside a hardened concrete bunker. Halloween has become increasingly dangerous, with the current generation of idiots realizing they will have to up the mischief factor if they want their prank videos to be noticed on Youtube. Add to that the moral degradation of children due to years of Spongebob cartoons, and you have a potent cocktail of misanthropy and narcissism being unleashed on All Hallow's Eve.

Q: Am I going to die getting candy?

A: Seems like a pretty honorable way for a grown man to die. Given that modern medicine and diplomacy have all but blotted out the honor in death, and your choices now range between getting hit by bus or crapping yourself in a hospital bed for an extended period. Why not go out like a man, chain smoking cigars whilst shoveling rare-cooked steak into your mouth in a violent alcoholic stupor? You'll win first prize at the costume contest for sure.

Q: How come I never find razors in my candy?

A: If you're like me, you spent your childhood searching for the elusive free razor blade many authority figures claimed various ne'er-do-wells were prone to insert into any unassuming piece of candy. Maybe my luck wasn't good enough back then. Nowadays, we know that Homeland Security inserts the razors themselves to combat terrorism. It's for your own good, citizen. What if a terrorist decided to celebrate an impending act of terrorism with a piece of delicious candy? Except that candy has a razor in it. Score one for Uncle Sam.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you follow these tips to have a safe and happy Halloween. Always inspect your children's treats, and remember to send them back out with another improvised costume if you don't feel they brought in enough candy this year.

Stay tuned for more parenting tips from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Infraction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you chose to join me again. If this is your first visit to the Clinic, I like using this weekly soapbox to examine issues of interest to the Fark Photoshop community. Or just talk about some random weird bullshit. It's all in good fun.

Q: Does Fark need rules?

A: Rules seem to be all the rage on the Internet nowadays, but we at Fark have lived with them for many years. So much so that I think we sometimes forget to marvel at the absurdity of it all. A particular set of rules have been set up on Fark, mostly to protect the site's SFW status, so that people can continue to waste time while at work. And this is a wonderful, if not an antiquated notion. Though I think that by 2012, most sentient IT directors will be aware of a site that has existed for over a decade almost exclusively to give people a distraction at work.

Q: Do the rules go too far?

A: Rules can't go anywhere on their own. It's up to the people enforcing them. At Fark that enforcement is pretty haphazard. It leads to someone getting away with something, which in turn leads others to believe that action is permitted. There's really not much to be done about it. Mods are volunteers who have other things going on besides Fark. This should send a clear message to people who want more rules that a system for total enforcement of even the current set is just not there.

Q: What is happening with the Misfit Squirrel forums?

A: Like a few of you, I received a message recently inquiring about the future of the Misfit Squirrel forums. Participation has fallen off there, and the possibility is being discussed of shutting the forum area down. I can say I will definitely be sad to see it go. The contests there were a wonderful test of skill, and I always enjoyed lurking the various discussions when the site was in its prime. I'm hoping there's a way to preserve it in case future PSers need the resource for discussion outside of Fark.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this brief examination of the rules at Fark. I'll see you next time. Remember, there's just a few spooky days left until the Presidential election. Also, I think Halloween is in there too.

Stay tuned for more holiday announcements from the Doctor!

Election Q&A

Questionable Contention

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Q&A. This October is shaping up to be one of the scariest on record, with the quadrennial addition of the US Presidential election. It's a situation that finds me torn. As a blogger, I am sworn to have a correct opinion on all things. However as an actual person, I find it hard to care which manlike object will be propped up by corporate investors for the next 4 years. Join me, as I struggle to form a relevant opinion without putting myself immediately to sleep.

Q: Did you watch the Vice Presidential debate?

A: This election season is all about compromise for me. While I wasn't about to waste an hour of my time listening to a couple of guys evade difficult questions whilst they dish out platitudes, my hunger for knowledge led me to watch about half of it with the sound turned off. I'm still better informed than most of America's electorate.

Q: Who won the debate?

A: Judging solely on visual spectacle, I have to give the prize to Paul Ryan. That is one creepy looking dude. I feel like too often I make the joke of his side being populated mostly by alien replicant drones, but come on. There's no way a human person's eyes look like that. Maybe he's trying to intimidate us into voting for him. At this point, I'm terrified that a Romney/Ryan defeat would trigger an instant flying saucer invasion.

Q: What do you think of Joe Biden?

A: Good old Joe Biden, or Joltin' Joe, as no one calls him, is the best VP in American history. Or at least, in the last couple of years. Fark seems rather enamored with him now, which tells me he must have done something right in that debate. Good for him. Going into it, I was just hoping he wouldn't drop his pants or say the N word.

Q: Have you chosen you Halloween costume yet?

A: After much soul searching, I believe I've settled dressing up as creepy dead eyed Paul Ryan, replicant clone and part time VP candidate. It's guaranteed to scare small children. Oh sure, you'll dismiss my rant here as the simple ravings of a madman. But when Paul Ryan lands his flying saucer on your front lawn and sets your home ablaze with his laser beam eyes, you'll wish you voted Republican.

That's for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Regardless of how you choose to vote in this years election, I hope you don't doom humanity by voting against our alien overlords. Do we really need them to come in and smash the Statue of Liberty up again?

Stay tuned for more dire warning from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Horrification

Greeting, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special edition of the Q&A. Halloween is just around the corner, and I like to kick off the scariest month of the year in proper frightful fashion. Time to string up the spooky decorations, or if you're like me, do nothing. Since you never took them down from last year.

Q: Do have any decorating suggestions?

A: Always. Halloween is one of those holidays where you want to go all out. I do my best to give my home the classic, spooky haunted feel. Mainly by performing little to no maintenance or yard work throughout the entire year. If you do your house up right, it will scare off any unruly kids and you won't have to waste good money on overpriced candy.

Q: Why does a "fun size" candy bar cost more than a full size one?

A: Candy companies are terrified of the shrinking market caused by health obsessed, paranoid parents. Parents who suddenly have a problem with their children ringing the doorbells of strange houses to receive something that has most likely not been poisoned by a psychopath. If you still have trick-or-treaters happen by your home in 2012, you most likely live in a picturesque rural township that acts as a front for a meth production operation. So just give the kids some of your meth.

Q: Do you have any costume suggestions for this year?

A: Once upon a time, you didn't have to worry about dressing up on Halloween unless you were under 10 years old. But in modern society, where adults seldom progress mentally past that age, it's commonplace to find yourself socially obligated to plan a costume. If you find yourself in such a situation, first check which sex you are. Females are socially obligated to dress as some sort of whore or whore version of a popular character. If you're a guy, just put a trash bag over your head and be a ghost. You got off lucky this time. No one gives a fuck what you're wearing, everyone is ogling the women.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you follow these tips to help plan a safe and happy Halloween. Remember to never paint your house, avoid buying candy and dress yourself in trash bags if at all possible. Though the average Clinic reader most likely does all these things.

Stay tuned for more condescending assumptions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Denunciation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing the Photoshop contest participants at Fark.com. Fark, like all Internet communities, is under constant threat of total devastation, despite having gotten along fine for a number of years. I do my best to be the voice of reason, shouting fire in a crowded theater. Better safe than sorry.

Q: What is destroying Fark this week?

A: Long answer? Everything. Short answer? You. In all likelihood, anyway. As a blogger, I have unique insight into the various ills that plague our community. They lurk around every corner, in every thread. Sometimes they are invisible to everyone but me. I'm sure you have doubts, but that's probably just because you're a brainwashed agent of the conspiracy. No one's perfect, I guess.

Q: What is Fark enemy #1?

A: Probably people using humor or enjoying themselves through a small bit of creative expression. That has always been a real big problem. Why can't people take their leisure activity seriously? And sit up straight, no slouching. Spit out that gum. The coveted bragging rights that come from winning a Fark contest necessitate the highest levels of comportment.  We should all be wearing cummerbunds, really.

Q: Are cliches a part of the problem?

A: Cliches will be instrumental in destruction of Fark, given that they have existed for the entire life of the site, and in many cases were around before the Internet itself. Even hatred of cliches is itself a cliche. As is creating witty and original content, and/or smashing your computer after your head explodes from trying to please everyone on the Internet. The worst cliches of all. Besides the Heineken guy.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this informative and interactive rundown of what is killing Fark. Unfortunately, there was not enough room to include all the things that threaten the sanctity of our community. For a complete list, check sections A through Z in a dictionary.

Stay tuned for more partial listings from the Doctor!