Friday Q&A

Questionable Interpretation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. I hope everyone's having a good holiday break. All this downtime has probably given you a chance to do some serious thinking. Don't worry, I'm sure the headache will go away after a while. Let's get to the questions, shall we?

Q: Do you have a retraction to make?

A: As a matter of fact, yes I do. In last week's comment section, I misquoted the total number of TheSniperZERO's Fark PS contest entries as 149 instead of 191. I regret this glaring inaccuracy and promise to more closely check my facts in the future.

Q: What's Boner been up to?

A: Apparently, he's been indiscriminately hate spamming a few of my favorite PSAEFers. His newest tactic is to send out a shotgun blast of moronic emails, then post some bogus nonsense on his blog where he blames me. I'm not sure why he does this, other than he must not be aware that such shenanigans can be easily traced. His ruse is utterly transparent, but I give him points for thinking like a five year-old instead of a two year-old.

Q: Is TheSniperZERO a deadbeat?

A: I'm afraid so. It looks like our good friend TSZ owes me a hundred bucks. I waited and waited, but he never went to the PSAEF to verify those absurdly ridiculous claims he made in last week's Q&A comment thread. According to his flawless logic, no user can ever get permabanned from TotalFark, because Drew "would rather see that $60 a month."
60 bucks a month? Must be for UltraFark. I told him that if he could get a mod to back up this horse shit, I'd wire 100 American dollars into the paypal account of his choice. Since he didn't do it, he now owes me a hundred bucks. Fair is fair. Pay up, bitch.

Well that's all for this week, gentle reader. I'd better be going, since I still have a few gifts to open. It looks like my good buddy TheSniperZERO sent me a large, ticking bomb-shaped present. Wasn't that nice of him? You really shouldn't have, TSZ. I'm going to go open it right now!

Stay tuned for more explosions from the Doctor!

Christmas with the Doctor 2007

The Picture Clinic: Holiday Edition

Season's greetings, crickets and elves! Welcome to the first annual Picture Clinic Christmas Special. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. Why not grab some figgy pudding and join me by the fire? This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. In the spirit of the season, I have prepared an exclusive animated feature. I hope it will help teach you all the true meaning of Christmas, just like it did for me.

As you can see, Christmas isn't about giving or receiving. It apparently has something to do with elves. Or decorating trees. At least that's my interpretation. Hey, I'm on my eleventeenth cup of eggnog at this point. Give me a break. On that note, I'm going to close out the post by saying merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Festivus to each and every one of you.

Stay tuned for schmaltzy holiday-themed posts from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Relaxation

Hello once again, crickets and trolls. Welcome to yet another edition of the Friday Q&A. Since it's almost Christmas, I'm very busy here at the Clinic. I'm afraid that I just don't have time for your infantile questions today. I'm going to take a page from my good friend TheSniperZERO, and phone it in. Let's get started, but keep in mind that I won't be giving any answers.

Q: You won't be answering ANY questions?

A: No, not this week. Sorry, but I just don't have time. I hope you understand. We'll be returning to our regular format in the next edition. For now, you're just going to have to get by on your own.

Q: So why post anything at all?

A: Hate blogging doesn't take a holiday. I have to give Boner and TheSniperZERO something to read, after all. They're both such morons that they feel the need to spend every waking minute chained to my blog. This place is like an inescapable prison for those jerks. And I'm the world's happiest warden.

Q: The sand in Boner's vagina has sand in its vagina.

A: Please phrase your questions in the form of a question. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to be answering them. I guess it doesn't matter. Looks like we're pretty much done for this week, anyway.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I have to go work on my upcoming Christmas post. Also, stay tuned for a brand new TSZ hate blog, coming in 2008! Since the year is winding down, I want to thank each of you for being yourselves. You'll never know how much joy you've given me.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Moderation

Hello again, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It was an exciting week at Fark, and there were many interesting developments. I won't waste time with a bunch of idle ramblings here in the intro. Let's get right to the questions.

Q: What did you do during the Fark outages this week?

A: I've taken up knitting. Just two more outages and I'll have a sweater. I hope the rest of you are resisting the temptation to visit other websites. From what I can tell, they don't like Farkers very much. That's funny, because I don't really like other websites. Besides Blogger, of course.

Q: What's going on with TFD?

A: We're in the midst of a Totalfark Discussion thread crackdown. From the sound of this message , the Powers That Be are on the verge of revoking our discussion privileges entirely. To be honest, I don't think it will ever come to that. Sounds like the type of "I'll turn this car around" empty threat that parents use. TFD threads are really the only thing Totalfark has going for it, besides the ability to post early in PS contests. No one really cares to see a bunch of the same links over and over again. There's a whole subset of the community that rarely, if ever, leaves TFD. Chase them off, and eventually all you'll be left with is a bunch of pissy Totalfark PSers. The horror.

Q: Have you talked to TheSniperZERO lately?

A: As a matter of fact, I have. In our last chat, TSZ actually signed in with his own name. We had a lively discussion about how I'm a liar and nobody cares what I think. Then he proclaimed that I was BO'B and "a waste of time." I was just thankful he left my parents out of it. That was a few days ago, and he hasn't logged in since. Good riddance. I prefer to chat with friendly people.

That's all for this edition, gentle reader. I'm still hard at work on that new TSZ hate blog. You'll be seeing it real soon. Since it's nearly Christmas, take time to hug your family and tell them you need to borrow $5000 again. You're good for it.

Stay tuned for more holiday greetings from the Doctor!

A Friendly Chat: Part II

Spiraling into O'Blivion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the second installment of a Friendly Chat. This week, TSZ has a brand new suspect for my alter ego. Care to guess who? I'll give you a hint: reread the above title line. According to TheSniperZERO, I am now Brian O'Blivion. Sorry, TSZ. BO'B and I are two very different people with vastly divergent reasons for hating you. I don't know what to say. If you can't narrow down your enemies list to a baker's dozen, it may be time for an attitude adjustment.

Let's just get to the damn chat:

You have joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
TheSniperZERO has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Hi.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: How are you?

There was an incredibly long pause here. Why log in if you aren't going to chat?

Photoshoptor_Doctor: What's wrong?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You seem tense, pal.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: TSZ: You suck, and are lame.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: nighty nite.
TheSniperZERO was kicked from Picture_Clinic_Chat by Photoshoptor_Doctor for: being a dick.

Two seconds pass. Two fucking seconds. Is this the digital equivalent of calling me up and breathing into the phone?

TheSniperZERO has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Hi again, TSZ.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Still not talking?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You should think about jumping in front of a subway train.
TheSniperZERO was kicked from Picture_Clinic_Chat by Photoshoptor_Doctor for: odoriferous jackassery.

OK, that was harsh. I certainly don't want anyone to kill themselves. Every life is valuable, even the lives of scum. At any rate, I didn't have to wait long for TSZ to return. Try five seconds.

TheSniperZERO has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: What are you trying to prove, TSZ?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: The game is up.
TheSniperZERO was kicked from Picture_Clinic_Chat by Photoshoptor_Doctor for: living.

At this point, it should be obvious to TSZ that I know who he is, and can kick him from my chat for any reason I see fit. What does he do? He loads the page twice, trying to make me think that he's two people.

TheSniperZERO1 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
TheSniperZERO2 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.

I find it insulting that he I thought I'd be so easily fooled. It was time for TheSniperZERO to meet some friends of mine.

the_doctor has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
The_Photoshotor_doctor has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
The_Photoshotor_doctor: Hi TSZ. And TSZ.
Guest6890 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Guest1868 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.

I had anticipated an attempted sock puppet attack on my chat, so I'd previously registered just about every derivative of Photoshoptor Doctor possible. Of course, Snipey is so dumb that he thought I was a gang of people.

Photoshoptor_Doctor: Quite a crowd tonight.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Is everyone good?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Need a beverage?
Guest1868: Hey Doc. You rule. The Sniper sucks.
TheSniperZERO1 : Which one of you is AJ?
Guest1868: Hi TSZ.
Guest1868: None of us are.
Guest1868: No AJs here, asshat.
TheSniperZERO1 : I must be in an alternate universe then. My mistake.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Come on, TSZ. Let's talk.
TheSniperZERO1 has left the chat.
TheSniperZERO2 has left the chat.

For those who don't know, AJ is apparently BO'B's meat world name. At any rate, that was all for a couple hours. Since TSZ was too scared to face off with the Doctor, I decided to see what would happen if I disguised my identity. In this session, I call myself "Guest1368." TheSniperZERO plays the role of "Guest1716".

You have joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Guest1716 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Guest1716: hello?
Guest1368: hey
Guest1368: what's up?
Guest1716: what's up
Guest1368: i asked you.
Guest1716: Not much. Just chillin...
Guest1716: Where are you located?
Guest1716: I'm in NC
Guest1368: orly
Guest1716: Plainsboro to be exact
Guest1716: You?

I don't even know who TSZ is trying to imitate at this point. Who the hell lives in Plainsboro, NC? That's such a weird choice. He could have said anywhere in the world. Of course, we all know he lives in NYC.

Guest1368: TSZ, you're so full of shit.
Guest1368: I'm in New York City.
Guest1716: No not this again AJ
Guest1368: just chillin
Guest1716: haha
Guest1368: AJ?
Guest1716: Don't play stupid BoB

Let me make this perfectly clear to you, TSZ: I am not Brian O'Blivion. BO'B does not comment on this blog. He is in no way affiliated with the Picture Clinic. Please think twice before you and Boner go filling up this week's Q&A with a hundred 'Hi BO'B!" posts.

Guest1368: TSZ you're a cocksucker.
Guest1716: Yeah, we all know
Guest1368: So that's your new suspect?
Guest1368: Hilarious.
Guest1716: Nope. He'll post it on his blog when he finds out
Guest1716 has left the chat.

So basically, the suspect du jour is Brian O'Blivion. What happened TSZ? I thought you were 100% positive I was prufrock2. I guess you won't mind disclosing the anonymous source that provided your "proof," since his bogus claims basically made you look like a jackass. I'm not even going to bring up poor Texaco Saves, who made the foolish mistake of existing in the same space/time continuum as you. I guess I have to close out this post with an apology to BO'B for TSZ's attempted slander. And I'll go ahead and make a preemptive apology to the next falsely-accused PSer. Then again, maybe TSZ will realize how stupid he looks grasping at straws so we can move on to the next phase.

Stay tuned for more wishful thinking from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Retaliation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Has it been a week already? I guess time flies when you're baiting some miserable prick into an endless blog war. Welcome once again to the Friday Q&A, where I try my best to answer your idiotic questions. We better not waste any time, or Boner might write more poems about us.

Q: Why does TheSniperZERO insist on signing his comments "anonymous?"

A: What a stupid question. The answer couldn't be more obvious. He's a huge bitch. He has a blogger account, but he's too much of a coward to log in. It doesn't matter, because I know exactly which comments are left by TSZ. Spoiler alert: they usually have something to do with how I'm wasting my time. Clearly I'm not. It would be a waste of time if I didn't get a rise out of him. Watching that bastard squirm and pretend to be other people is truly hilarious. Mainly because it simply doesn't work. His knee-jerk reactions have given me enough fodder for a thousand posts. I must say, it feels good to pull the strings of a puppet master. It's the main reason I got into this game in the first place.

Q: Did Fark have more outages this week?

A: In the last few days, Fark has crashed more than a 90 year-old woman driving a Lamborghini at top speed. I honestly don't mind, because it's given me extra time to focus on responding to as much of TheSniperZERO's trollspam as humanly possible. Speaking of which, get ready for the unveiling of an all new TSZ hate blog. Because you can never have enough TSZ hate blogs.

Q: With all the problems Fark has been having, from rampant database crashes to unrestrained trolling, have you ever considered leaving for another web community?

A: No. You fucking idiot.

That's all for this edition, gentle reader. I hope you'll join me for the upcoming second chapter of A Friendly Chat, as well as the next installment of the Blog Directory. I've also got a few surprises up my sleeve, just to keep you guessing. As always, I want to take some time at the end to taunt Edward Boner, the stupidest troll on the Internet. Hey Boner! You're a lame excuse for an adversary. I'm not seeing nearly enough poems from you. How else are people going to know that you're mad at me? You and TSZ need to crawl back into your respective holes for the winter.

Stay tuned for more demoralizing insults from the Doctor!

A Friendly Chat: Part I

Sock it to Me

Hello there, crickets and trolls. As you all know, I recently introduced a chat room to the Clinic. There was no way I could have anticipated the response. Clinic Chat is fast becoming our most popular feature. At least with TheSniperZERO. The portion I am presenting today is unedited, save for some minor spelling corrections. I have also updated the text written by TSZ to bear his own name, instead of the anonymous "guest" account he insists on using. Rest assured, the overall message has gone unchanged.

In this first transcript, we see how quickly TSZ falls in to his old sock puppet antics:

You have joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Hey TSZ. How ya doin?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Say something or you're a bitch.
TheSniperZERO: Actually, it's Bill lol
TheSniperZERO: Sup Doc?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You're not Bill
TheSniperZERO: Yes I am. How can I prove it?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Do you think I'm stupid?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: I know you're not Bill. I KNOW you're TSZ. Just be yourself.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: We need to talk.

This tactic just seemed so absurd to me. Could TheSniperZERO actually have thought that he could pass himself off as Olapbill? Please don't insult our intelligence, TSZ. Not everyone has their head rammed squarely up their ass like you do. The charade began to unravel rapidly at this point. "Guest7078" was about to admit his true identity. Not that we needed him to.

Photoshoptor_Doctor: How pathetic. You have my sympathy, but not my mercy.
TheSniperZERO: Okay. You found me out. I can't hide my identity any longer
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Correct.
TheSniperZERO: Guest7078 is Me! thesniperzero
Photoshoptor_Doctor: I know.
TheSniperZERO: How did you ever find me out?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: I'm smart
TheSniperZERO: You should change your name to Sherlock because you are so smart
Photoshoptor_Doctor: No need for that. I just like to pwn you. Not solve crimes.
TheSniperZERO: I will humor you. I am TSZ. Talk to me
Photoshoptor_Doctor: OK. I think you suck.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Try acting like a human sometime. You might like it.
TheSniperZERO: Yep you have. I can't concentrate. My sex life is a shambles. I can't work. I don't even know how photoshop works anymore .

I believe him when he says he can't work. This guy spends 90% of his office hours fighting my blog. That can't leave much time to get anything else done. At least not very well. I can't speak for his sex life, but if it's anything like his PS skills, there wasn't much going on there to begin with.

TheSniperZERO: You sure have owned me. OMG
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You had a sex life?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Now I've heard everything.
TheSniperZERO: Yes. But your mom just wasn't my taste
TheSniperZERO: and your dad kept wanting to fuck me in the ass
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Go do some more Star Wars pics. You've never met my mom.
TheSniperZERO: and it was distracting
TheSniperZERO: they kept talking about how you were a major disappointment
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Is that the best you can do?
TheSniperZERO: and not only an accident... but a mistake
TheSniperZERO: so, while I've met your parents you never have
TheSniperZERO: since you were put up for adoption

For someone who likes to "psych profile" others, TSZ is apparently not familiar with the concept of projection. Maybe this quote from our 100% accurate friend Wikipedia will enlighten him.

"In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them."

So basically, TSZ vents his frustration with his own family and apparent closeted sexual deviance by insulting whomever he happens to disagree with. What's great about this technique is that it works in just about any situation. Should you ever find yourself differing in opinion from TheSniperZERO, you will no doubt suddenly become a gay, retarded fast-food worker. Oh, won't your adopted parents be proud?

Our conversation continued on for a few more moments, and then he declared that he was "bored" and logged off. So bored, apparently, that he only managed to log back into the chat room seven more times that night. A transcript of those conversations will be displayed in Part II of A Friendly Chat. You won't want to miss it.

That's all for today, gentle reader. See you tomorrow for the Friday Q&A. Will TSZ and Boner fill up the comment section of this week's edition with dozens of asinine attempts at trolling? Only time will tell.

Stay tuned for more examples of how TSZ is a miserable prick from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Intelligence

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the Friday Q&A, your favorite recurring feature. It's been an exciting week, with TSZ's attempted sock puppetry and Boner's paranoid ramblings. Maybe I just noticed it more, since Fark has been unreliable at best. At least we have a snazzy new user page to play with. Clearly a lot of hard work has gone into its construction. Let me be the first to say I hate it. Change it back! Change it back! I'm kidding, of course. Let's get to the questions.

Q: Have you talked to TheSniperZERO lately?

A: You mean besides his hamfisted attempt at socking HellYeahHokie? Why yes, I have. The new page was only up for a few hours before TSZ found his way into the chatroom. Anyone want to guess how he greeted me?


What a delightful exchange. It really makes me feel bad about "ruining his life" with my blogs. Though honestly, I can't figure out how something like that is even possible. If TheSniperZERO defines so much of his self worth from his Internet personae, then why doesn't he make even the slightest attempt at being diplomatic? Take our dynamic, for example. If someone had a hate blog about you, wouldn't you at least try to reason with them? Not TSZ. It makes me happy that he doesn't bother. Knowing him as I do, there's no reason to believe any apology offered by that asshat is worth its weight in dog shit.

Q: So are we going to start seeing a bunch of sock puppets again?

A: Thankfully, no. Blogger has finally fixed the ridiculous security flaw that allowed anonymous users to mimic blogger accounts by cut/pasting the URL from the victim's profile. This trick was used in the past by TheSniperZERO to impersonate not only HellYeahHokie, but also And-1 and Ban_Sidhe. And me. Probably a bunch of others, too. Thank you to whomever alerted the Blogger team about this issue.

Q: Will you tell us who Boner is?

A: What, and break my favorite toy? I have to think about the future. TSZ isn't always going to be around. He'll probably lose control and spiral into oblivion. So I need Boner, to keep this hate train on the tracks. Right now, he's offering a fabulous prize for the full disclosure of his identity. It's mighty tempting, but there's not a chance in hell. If I release Boner's dossier to the public, I run the risk of igniting a powder keg in the forum. It would be TSZgate all over again. I'm afraid I can't be responsible for something like that. Besides, I'm getting much more of a kick from guessing at which of my VIP members will crack first, spilling the juicy info. Only time will tell, I suppose. Meanwhile, I encourage Boner to churn out as many poems as possible.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I want to take some time here at the end to personally taunt Boner for being such a hateful misanthrope. That was classy of you to spout out bile towards a bunch of well-meaning people, none of whom have ever given you cause for such a ridiculous outburst. I'm glad you have a problem with everyone. After all, we've formed such a strong alliance against you. That was sarcasm, BTW. You might want to take notes. After you look up the definition of "misanthrope," of course.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the Doctor!

Talk Dirty to Me

Introducing: Clinic Chat

Greetings, Crickets and trolls. As my frequent readers know, I've been taunting you with promises of an exciting new Clinic feature for some time now. No doubt you've been racking your brains to decipher what it could be, and for that I truly apologize. We have enough problems in the blogosphere, with all of TSZ's asshattery and Boner's whining.

Until now, we have been scuttling back and forth, leaving comments on each other's blogs. As you well know, it can sometimes take up to twenty minutes for me to respond to your pathetic attempts at trolling. Then I have to wait for your boss to go to the shitter before you can formulate a comeback. How tedious. Surely there must be a better way!

Well, now there is. Starting today, you can insult me in real time! Just head on over to the Clinic Chat. Once there, you can call me pathetic, a waste of time, or even a pathetic waste of time. It's all up to you. I think it gives the Clinic a measure of interactivity that isn't found anywhere else.

What are you waiting for? I'll be standing by to take your questions/comments/insults. Unless you're Boner. We all know he's too much of a bitch to confront someone directly.

Stay tuned for more interactive features from the Doctor!

Farkout

What to do during a Fark Outage

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Fark has been having some major problems lately, and I feel sorry for those of you who don't have a petty Internet feud and longstanding rivalry to fall back on. I also feel sorry for anyone whose contest goes live during one of these blackout periods. You guys are fucked. Feel free to register your dismay amongst the "who cares?" and "fuck you!" masses of Totalfark Discussion. Or send some crudely-phrased Farkbacks.

Meanwhile, I have compiled a handy list of activities for you to busy yourselves with during the next outage.

1. Go somewhere else. Believe it or not, Fark isn't the only site on the Internet. Just the only one that matters.
2. Write your congressman. Better not spill any flour on the envelope.
3. Find someone you don't like and start a protracted blog war. Don't forget to be petty!
4. Send threatening letters to Drew. Signed, TheSniperZERO.
5. Get over it. You will.

That's all for now, gentle reader. I hope this list serves you well. These days, you never know when a Fark outage will strike. Since management is too busy fucking with the "preview" button, I doubt they will offer much of an apology for service interruptions. That would be like asking TheSniperZERO to apologize to the people he dumped on and insulted. A nice idea, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen. Unless you're Boner.

Stay tuned for more laughable demands from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Sanity

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I hope everyone had a great holiday. Welcome to yet another edition of the Friday Q&A. Let's get to the questions. I have some leftover turkey calling my name from the refrigerator.

Q: Did Boner delete Fark the Vote?

A: Your family must have slipped some smart pills into the gravy this year, because you're much more alert than normal. Boner has cleaned out Fark the Vote again, leaving only a blank page in its place. Don't worry, kids. I'm sure he'll have some new insipid poetry for us to read in no time. Meanwhile, go check out some of his most recent work at Bonertown, USA.

Q: Why are there always three questions in the Friday Q&A?

A: Three is a very powerful number. Think about it. There have been three presidents since the 40th President of the United States. There are three pyramids in Egypt. President Garfield was assassinated on the third day of the month. TSZ has three nipples. Do I even need to mention Three Mile Island?

Q: Why hasn't anyone signed the petition for the return of TFPSTC?

A: I don't know. Didn't something like 200 people vote in the first Critic poll? You'd think he would have some supporters. Don't you people want to be judged? What happened to his goon squad? Surely all those anonymous trolls from his comment sections miss their master.

That's all for now, gentle reader. I want to close this post by saying that Boner is a pathetic waste of life. Fuck you, Boner. Go write some more crappy emo poems and cut yourself, shithead.

Stay tuned for more italicized words from the Doctor!

Special Thanksgiving Edition 2007

Happy Spanksgiving!

Greetings, turkeys and rolls. Welcome the the first annual Thanksgiving edition of the Clinic. This is the time of year when patriotic Americans show thanks to the people who make their lives better. My international readers can disregard this post. Go sweep the dirt floor of your hut, or squat by the fire and eat some bugs.

Think of all the things that make this time of year so magical. Singing Thanksgiving carols on a cold autumn night. Watching the children hang giblet bags from the mantelpiece in eager anticipation of a visit from Tom the Turkey, who scurries down the chimney to leave presents in the oven. Yes, this is truly a wonderful season.

Giving Thanks

• Thank you, TheSniperZERO, for coming back to Fark this summer. You've made the last few months a blast. Everyone loves being judged by a condescending jerk.
  
• Thanks again to TheSniperZERO for leaving us this fall. It turns out we got sick of your shit pretty fast. Go figure.
  
• Thanks to all the fucktards who claimed Fark PSers have no skill/aren't funny. I really needed a good laugh.
  
• Thanks for Internet porn. Obligatory.
  
• Thanks to Blogger, for creating such a wonderland of bickering and deceit. I don't know how I lived without it.
  
• Thanks to everyone who has ever trolled my comment sections. Pwning you is my favorite sport. Don't worry. One of these days you might actually think of a good comeback. Perhaps when hell freezes over.
  
• Thanks for America, with its purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain. This portion of the post completes my community service.
  
• Thanks to all my readers. You know who you are.
  
• Thanks to Boner for being an incompetent douchebag with no social skills or redeeming character. And for introducing me to his mom.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I've got a turkey to carve. Go check out the new article over at TheSniperZERO Critique. Be sure to witness the anonymous comment posted by TSZ, where he refers to himself in the third person and accuses me of being Texaco Saves. I'm sure nobody saw that one coming.

Stay tuned for more holiday greetings from the Doctor!

Picture Clinic: The Movie

Cliché Slaughterhouse

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the world premiere of Picture Clinic: The Movie. It contains strong violence and mature situations, so please don't bitch to me that it gave your kids nightmares. Just give them some whiskey or something. That's how I fend off my recurring dream that TheSniperZERO is chasing me down a darkened hallway with an industrial vacuum cleaner.

Stay tuned for more recurring nightmares from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reactions

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I hope everyone is doing great. This week, I'm answering some tough questions. Let's get started before Boner writes another poem.
Boner's IP: 63.117.228.138
Q: Why is the Friday Q&A on Friday?
OrgName: Webster Bank
A: That's actually a good question. Did you get a smart person to write it for you? The answer is because Friday was the only day that rhymed with Q&A. "Thursday Q&A" just doesn't sound right.
OrgID: C00999846
Q: This blog is a waste of time.
Address: 10 Main Street, Bristol CT 06010
A: First of all, that isn't a question. Secondly, I love how the Internet has turned every jackass on Earth into an efficiency expert. Sorry, but I won't take notes on how to spend my time from someone who trolls a parody blog. Maybe we're all on the web too much. Let's turn off our computers and go outside. We can hug puppies and baby dolphins!

Q: Is there anything we can do to bring back TFPSTC?

A: There sure is. Click here to sign my petition for the return of TFPSTC. Together we can make a difference. We will stand side by side and let our voices be heard. Except for me. I'm not signing it. Good riddance, I say.

That's all the questions for now, gentle reader. Stay tuned for the unveiling of an exciting new feature here at the Clinic. You won't want to miss it. In the meantime, be sure to taunt our good friend Boner about being such a hopeless prick faced jizz-drinking fucktard.

Stay tuned for more unquestionable truth from the Doctor!

Blog Directory Part III

Blogged Down

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another installment of the Blog Directory. I had originally planned to get this done in two posts, but a half dozen new Fark blogs have popped up in the last couple of weeks. I thought I was halfway done, but now it looks like I've barely scratched the surface. Let's get started shall we? I'm afraid if we stand still too long we're going to start taking on more blogs.

The Clinic Arcade
The newest wing of the Picture Clinic, the Arcade is your source for all the hottest flash games on the net. As fun as it is, I have to say that it wouldn't exist without the VIP Clinic. Would you believe I thought making it public was a bad idea? Thankfully I can rely on the sound judgement on my compatriots. They'll always steer me on the right path.
Overall Grade A++

Fark the Vote
WTF happened to Brian Winchester? Boner has reverted his blog back to the classic Fark the Vote format of bad poetry and impotent angst (the worst angst of all). His new stuff just doesn't sparkle like it should. I'm afraid I can't award him a perfect score, as much as I'd like to. Sorry, Boner. You need to put some mustard on it. I'm afraid you come off sounding a bit like a whiny 15 year-old emo douchebag.
Overall Grade: C

The Photoshoptor Socktor
Hate blog memories light the corners of my mind. Back in the first days of the Clinic, a blogger known as the Opinionator (aka: Information Desk) took offense at the existence of my blog. What first started as snarky prodding to disclose my Fark alter-ego culminated in a crude impersonation of the Clinic itself. What did he accomplish, other than showing us how easy it is to impersonate your enemies on Blogger? Nothing. That's why I'm giving him the lowest score possible.
Overall Grade: F-:(:(---

AVG's Attic
This blog is written by the incomparable Abe Vigoda's Ghost, and it's one of my personal favorites. IMO every Fark PSer should have a blog. We're a fucked up bunch, and I like seeing what each of us does with the Blogger platform. I just wish AVG would update his page more. That's the only thing that keeps it from getting a perfect score.
Overall Grade A-

TheSniperZERO Photoshop Blog
Does anyone remember when TSZ was a PSer? Back in the halcyon days of 2004, our good friend had a blog where he didn't even insult anyone's photoshop work. Weird, right? That's what I thought, anyway. If you peruse his posts from back then, you can see the seed of bitterness start to grow. In a way, all of this, even my blog, started right there. For that reason, I have to award him the highest score possible.
Overall Grade A++:):):)&++#1

That's all for this installment, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Be sure to join me tomorrow for the Friday Q & A. I'll be answering some tough questions, and questioning some tough answers. You won't want to miss it.

Stay tuned for more jokes about Boner's mom from the Doctor!

Hello Again, PSAEF!

PSHEYEF

I saw that Fark_the_poor! linked me in the PSAEF. Hello again to everyone. Hope you're all doing well today. And no, I don't have a problem with Fark, PS contests, or PSers. Ok, I have to go finish working on my Blog Directory post.

Stay tuned for more brief messages from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Integrity

Hello once again, crickets and trolls. It's Friday, which means it's time for your favorite feature, the Friday Q&A. What a week it's been! I hope everyone is doing great. I know I don't say this enough, but I love each and every one of you with all my heart. Unless you don't like me, in which case you can go fuck yourself in hell. At any rate, it's time for some questions.
Boner has a tiny penis
Q: Do you have any news on TheSniperZERO's whereabouts?

A: As a matter of fact I do, you bloated sack of shit. I'm sorry, that came out wrong. It's just that I'm a little emotional today. You see, there was a horrible tragedy during TSZ's alpine mountaineering expedition. His rope snapped during the treacherous assent to the summit, and the poor bastard plummeted three thousand feet. Thankfully, some sharp rocks broke his fall. I'm sure he'll make a speedy recovery, just as soon as we get his internal organs back on the inside of his body. Lucky for him, he knows a damn good doctor.

Q: What's the deal with Boner?

A: You have to respect Boner, because he plays by his own rules. Rule #1, apparently, is to post crappy MSpaint manipulations of the upcoming contest pics. I'm not really sure why he does this. He isn't helping the Liters any more, because they don't get a clean copy of the O, and he certainly isn't bringing down the Totalfark "elite."


So much for the Messiah. What he could really use is some instruction on the fine art of MSPainting. Look for some upcoming tutorials on that subject, Boner. And don't worry, you'll get better. You are, after all, a magic man. Try, try, try to understand.
worst song ever
Q: Why haven't some people gotten their VIP invitations yet?

A: Sorry about that. The fact is, we've had some serious VIP verification problems, most notably with my old pal Olapbill. Blogger is a piece of crap. You can be sure I've contacted their tech support about this matter. Don't worry, I won't let anyone who isn't a douchetard get left out of the VIP fun and games. Speaking of which, I've added a few new games to the arcade. Look for some more tonight.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I've off to work on the Clinic's newest feature, whose scheduled unveiling will occur shortly. In the meantime, keep watching for another installment of the Blog Directory. I know I was supposed to write it this week, but I've been very busy stitching the Critic back together. Remember, a stitch in time saves nine, so nine stitches in time should save 81.

Stay tuned for more third grade math from the Doctor!

Tuesday Night Update

Insert Coin

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I hope everyone is doing well this week. Still no word from TheSniperZERO. I'm beginning to think he doesn't love me any more. Life goes on, I suppose. We'll miss ya, Snipey. After much debate over at TPC:VIP, we've decided to open our most popular section to the public. Starting today, you can find all our great games over at the Clinic Arcade. It's a nice diversion from endless hate blogging and Internet one-upsmanship. Try and beat my high scores. Unless you're too much of a coward.
BWAK BWAK BWAK!!! LOL
I've also brought a new game over to the Clinic's main page. Of course, Mini Putt is still available at the Arcade. If you think you can beat my high score of eight under par, take your best shot.

Stay tuned for more challenges from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Features

Hello there, crickets and trolls. What a week it's been! Hope everyone's doing great. Except for my many enemies, who can eat shit in Hell. Since I'm apparently the only blogger who can keep a regular feature going, why don't we jump right into the Q&A?

Q: Do you have something to show us?

A: Why yes, I do. And unlike your "uncle" who lives in the park, it isn't a penis. This week, we had a friendly competition over at TPC:VIP . The challenge was to draw our good friend Boner's world using only the Picture Maker. I was really impressed with the outcome. As promised, I am displaying the top two vote-getters here in the Friday Q&A. This first one comes to us from (NAME WITHHELD). It's NSFW, so if you're at work you shouldn't view this page.

This is apparently an artist's rendition of Boner's mom. Yowza, she's a hottie! Boner, can I hang out at your house tonight? Speaking of which, this next image depicts Boner's sprawling and palatial estate.

Drawn by (NAME WITHHELD), it's the only B&W entry that got any votes. Good job, (NAME WITHHELD)! I hope to see more great stuff from you in future VIP contests.

Q: Did you install a new game?

A: Wow, your cognitive recognition is quite astute. Yes, Mini Putt was voted the most popular game in TPC:VIP's Fun and also Games section. As the winner, it gets to hang out here at the Picture Clinic Lite for a while. I'm happy, because it gives me one more thing pwn you at. Eight under par, bitches. First fucking try. How do like those particular apples?

Q: Why hasn't TSZ updated his blog?

A: I can understand your concern. Don't worry, the Critic hasn't given up on us. It turns out he's been on a mountaineering expedition and has been unable to get a decent Wi-Fi signal. He left me a spare set of keys to TFPSTC . I'm supposed to feed his cats at some point.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I hope you have a good weekend. Join me next time for another edition of the Blog Directory. We'll be taking a look at The Photoshoptor Socktor, as well as any other blogs that pop up in the meantime. Until then, keep hope alive. And let faith die in the gutter.

Stay tuned for more featured insanity from the Doctor!

Blog Directory Part II

TSZ Come Home!

Greetings again, crickets and trolls. As promised, here's the next installment of my guide to the wonderful world of Fark blogging. We're going to start by taking another look at a previous review. Last night I got a phone call from a very intoxicated TheSniperZERO, during which he begged me to reconsider my C rating of TFPSTC. Okay, Papa Bear. No sweat. Maybe I was a tad harsh in my original assessment. Here's my second take on the Critique, along with the rundown on a few other exciting blog destinations.

The Fark Photoshop Thread Critique
If there's one thing I can say about the Critic, it's that he makes a lot of good points. It's just unfortunate that he chooses to express himself through the time-honored tradition of being a jerk. However, if there's one thing I've noticed about TSZ's blog, it's that people bitch regardless of what he does. If he acts nice, people complain. If he gets mean, people complain. You really have to give him credit for straddling two extremes. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't note that many prominent PSers have praised the Critic for instilling them with a drive for self-improvement. It's for those reasons I have decided TFPSTC deserves a much higher rating.
Overall Grade: A

The Stupid Blog
Definitely the best written Fark Blog to date. The careful page construction and finely-crafted prose is unequaled in the community. Its anonymous author has really outdone himself. A must read!
Overall Grade: A+

The Brian Winchester Love Resource
Boner's been hard (get it?) at work this week. His lackluster Sneaker Critique has once again been rebadged as The Brian Winchester Love Resource. Truly, our friend Boner is the chameleon of the blogosphere. In this week's incarnation, he gives us some insight into his love life. A bit too much information, perhaps, but enthralling nonetheless. Boner's newest offering is his best by far. I like blogs that provide a useful service, instead of just spewing random hatred. Wayne Newton must die!
Overall Grade: B+

Scars and Stripes
Guess I should review this page by Texaco Saves next. Poor Texaco. For some reason, people often get us confused. I have no idea why. Perhaps his critics are sleep-deprived from hanging out at my blog all night. At any rate, I enjoy viewing his pictures. I wish I could comment on them, but I'm afraid it would invite a torrent of "Hi Texaco!" responses from the trolls. I don't think my fragile ego could take such an onslaught. At any rate, good job, TS.
Overall Grade: A-

Brian O'Blivion Exposé
I can't actually review this blog since I'm not on the guest list, but I've often wondered about its true nature. Is BO'BE the result of an angry PSer's vendetta against internationally renowned image mangler Brian O'Blivion? Are revelations about his shadowy past being exposed to the light of day? I guess I'll never know. If you ever get in, tell me how it is. Until such a time, I'm giving it a low score. Deal with it, pricks.
Overall Grade: F--

The Even More Better Than The Other One Fark Photoshop Thread Critique
As Fark blogs go, this one is practically prehistoric. Created during the original Blog Wars (Episode I: The Phantom Jackass), TEMBTTOOFPTC is still one of the most amusing examples of Critic parody on the Fark Blogweb. The only thing that keeps it from earning a high score is the reluctance of its enigmatic author to continue posting. In case you're out there, it's my duty to inform you that you're dangerously close to having a "life". Well, whatever floats your boat.
Overall Grade: A+

That's all for this installment. Thanks for joining me, gentle reader. I'll be bringing you another Blog Directory installment in a few days. By then, we should have a nice crop of new ones to enjoy. Remember my motto: "every blog has its day."

Stay tuned for more terrible puns from the Doctor!

The Photoshoptor Spooktor

Happy Halloween!

Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a very special Halloween edition of the Clinic. This is my favorite time of year, next to Christmas, Yom Kippur, my birthday, Kwanzaa, and garbage day. Halloween is a magical holiday, when we dress our kids up as demons and prostitutes. Fun is fun, but we can't forget for even one minute that people want to murder our children. Follow these Halloween Fun Tips to assure yourself a safe and happy celebration.

Halloween Safety Tips

1. Use the Cover of Darkness: Encourage your children to select darkly colored costumes, such as "ninja" of "black ghost." Pedophiles will have a tough time sighting your kids, and will move on to more easily spotted prey.

2. Strength in Numbers: You can avoid having to escort your little hooligans around the neighborhood by appointing the oldest child the "leader." If you only have one kid, let him/her borrow the sharpest kitchen knife or broken bottle you own, for protection.

3. Costume Swap: Dress your kids in layers of costumes, so they can hit up the same houses multiple times. You'll find they bring home a much better haul that way.

4. Vanguard: In this modern age, you just can't trust anyone. Psychos and maniacs are everywhere. Help keep an eye on the neighborhood children by following them around in a van. This will protect them against opportunistic kidnappers.

5. Perform a safety test: Make sure the kiddies bring their treats to you for careful inspection (and ingestion). If a piece of candy looks like it's been tampered with, it's best to have one of your kids try it first. Watch them for a few minutes. Make sure they don't go into convulsions or get a razor blade stuck in their esophagus.

That's all for now, gentle reader. I'm off to crouch in the bushes outside Boner's house. After that, I've got a carton of eggs with TSZ's name on it. Best wishes for a happy Halloween!

Stay tuned for more spooky messages from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Answers

Happy Friday, crickets and trolls. I hope you had a great week. Unless you're one of my many enemies, in which case I hope it sucked.
At any rate, it's time once again for the Friday Q&A. There's no doubt in my mind that your empty heads are filled with questions. Fire away, gentle readers!

Q: Hey! Where's the "Photoshoppers of the Week" feature over at TFPSTC?!

A: I'm sad today, because the Critic hasn't updated his blog with the latest Photoshoppers of the Week. What gives? It's Friday. I've been waiting patiently to see who TSZ is going to shit on. Very disappointing. Hopefully he will read this message, get off his lazy ass and start criticising. Hop to it, Sniper!

Q: Will the Critic extend voting on his Tillman poll again?

A: Good question. You must be channeling the spirit of a non-retarded person. Last week, voting was extended on the 100% unbiased Tillman poll. According to the results, 43 people dislike the Tillmeister's work. That's a pretty big number. One that I'm sure was not manipulated in any way. Shouldn't a lynch mob be forming at this point?

Q: Why does your blog piss people off so much?

A: You'd think they would just ignore me. Then again, maybe they've tried. When Texaco Saves started getting my hate mail, I knew I'd struck gold. I never did anything to give the impression that I'm Texaco. I never even hinted at it. It was just wishful thinking on the part of whoever sent those messages. In a recent comment section, some asshat listed a bunch of Farkers who I "obviously was." How can I be more than one person? Fucking ridiculous.

That's all the questions for now, gentle reader. This week I'll be bringing you another installment of the blog directory. Be sure to check out my frank and honest assessment of TEMBTTOOFPSTC. I hope you join me again next time. Have a great weekend!

Stay tuned for more selective dyslexia form the Doctor!

Blog Directory Part I

A Guide to the Fark Blogweb

Hello there, crickets and trolls. As promised, I am bringing you a handy reference guide to the ever-expanding universe of Fark blogs. As previously stated, a new one is created every fifteen seconds. Thank the FSM that Blogger has such ease of access to the mentally ill.

Picture Clinic VIP
My newest offering to the Fark Blogweb is becoming way more of a hit than I ever expected. It's a troll-free speakeasy, where popular PSers can meet to exchange ideas and conspiracy theories. To avoid undue attention, I've requested all members not to speak about the VIP Clinic in the PSAEF. This week, I've been letting a few of my allies write their own feature posts. I think it adds a level of user interactivity that other blogs fail to deliver.
Overall Grade A++

The Credibility Critic
Apparently a "historical recreation" of the original Credibility Critic's blog. For anyone new to the Fark blogosphere, TCC was one of the first to speak out against the Critic. The original site featured screenshots of deleted comments and other interesting conjecture about TFPSTC's motives. Unfortunately, the original text of TCC was lost in a fire that the Critic denies all knowledge of.
Overall Grade: C

The Anonymous Critique
This mysterious blog appeared recently, but has remained largely inactive. It appears to be written in some sort of bizarre code. There is potential here, but it is largely untapped.
Overall Grade: D+

Classic Fark the Vote
Who among us doesn't pine for the hate poetry of Edward Boner? You don't? Well you should. After all, he changed the way we think about how people with severe head injuries view the Fark community. Maybe we can convince him to write us a few more verses. Why not Boner?
Overall Grade C+

The Sneaker Critique
Go check out Boner's newest blog to see his humorous take on amputees. What a hilarious concept. Unfortunately, this blog is written by Boner, so it suffers from his inability to construct a sentence in the English language. If you're as big a fan of poor writing as I am, you'll definitely want to check this one out.
Overall Grade: F--

TheSniperZERO Critique
My own foray into PS criticism, where I critique the only PSer who truly deserves to have his work shit on, TheSniperZERO. He's never responded in person, but an "anonymous" poster always shows up to defend his lackadaisical image manipulation. Unfortunately, TSZ just isn't prolific enough of a PSer to support a full-time hate blog.
Overall Grade: B-

The Fark Photoshop Thread Critique
The original source of PS antagonism, TFPSTC is a hate blog run by formerly anonymous Farker TheSniperZERO. Many claim he has lost his edge since the unmasking, but I welcome the change in attitude. Maybe if he kisses enough ass, we'll except him back into our good graces. Perhaps even forgive his sock puppetry and hamfisted attempt at silencing dissent. Nah, that'll never happen. Still a good read, though.
Overall Grade: C

TFPSTC Classic
If you're like me, you miss the old look of the TFPSTC. Not too long ago, TSZ changed his name to the Super Happy Fun Critic, abandoning his Palpatine mask. If you get nostalgic for his old grinning visage, just head over to TFPSTC Classic . While you're there, be sure to check out the grammar-corrected posts.
Overall Grade: B-

That's all for this installment, gentle reader. As always, thanks for stopping by. Be sure to join me next time, when I'll be reviewing more Fark blogs. Who knows? Maybe I'll even post a screenshot of TPC:VIP for all you peons to drool over.

Stay tuned for more snotty elitism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Actions

Greetings, crickets and trolls. It's time once again for the the Friday Q&A. This week I've received tons of email from alert readers. I only wish there was enough time to address each of your concerns. Let's begin, shall we?

Q: Is TFPSTC done picking on Tillman, yet?

A: I doubt it. I used to think the Critic personally hated Tillmeister, but now I'm starting to think it's because he represents something the Critic can't stand: people who don't listen to his advice. We all know of TSZ's "strategy" for winning PS contests. Tillman blatantly ignores every tenet of that system. Also, he apparently doesn't read TFPSTC (like most people) so there's no chance of him wandering in to defend himself. Everyone knows it's easier to hit someone with their back turned.

Q: Did you add some new links to your "Site Friends" section?

A: How astute of you to notice. Your three brain cells must be working overtime. Yes there are some new links for you to peruse. As you know, a new Fark blog is created every 15 seconds, and it's my goal to catalog as many of them as possible. Look for a "blog directory" post in the near future. In addition to the incomparable Picture Clinic: VIP, you can also check out a reconstruction of the Credibility Critic and Texaco Saves' new photography blog. Boner has also been hard at work, rebadging his lackluster homeless critique into a stump-slappingly hilarious mockery of amputees. Way to go Boner! Can't wait to see what you've got planned for your next move.

Q: How do I become worthy enough to join the Picture Clinic: VIP?

A: We're always accepting applications. My best advice is to not be a dick. As of yet, most of the well-known PSers and hangers-on of Fark have joined up. Who knows? Maybe you'll check your email today and find an invitation. Go look now. It's OK, I can just wait here.

Well, that's all for today, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for taking time to visit my blog. Before I go, I want to apologize to my good friend olapbill for screwing up his invite to TPC:VIP. Sorry, Bill. There must have been a malfunction in the Series of Tubes. I'll see if I can't debug the problem and get back to you. Have a great weekend, gang!

Stay tuned for more pleasantries from the Doctor!

Special Tuesday Edition

Preemptive Apology of the Week

Greetings, crickets and trolls. As you all know, I get accused of being a different Farker every week. First it was prufrock2, back in the first days of the Clinic. Then, people thought I was Texaco Saves for some reason. That claim was preposterous, of course, as Texaco and I have been photographed together many times. I think at some point I was accused of being Heamer, too.

None of these photoshoppers deserve to get their names dragged through the mud. They're all good people, and certainly not assholes. That pretty much guarantees they aren't me, right? At any rate, I was wondering who would get accused next.

Tillman of the Hour

The snarky comments have been pouring in ever since my post mentioning Tillman. I guess it's my own fault for defending one of TheSniperZERO's perennial targets. For the record, I don't really care who TSZ chooses to smear. We all know the true motivation behind TFPSTC. What pissed me off was the laughably biased poll he ran:

So far, "forgettable" has the most votes. If he was truly forgettable, wouldn't you be able to shut up about him? How many people voted for "what's a Tillman", anyway? He's hardly forgettable. IMO, he's one of the most recognizable Farkers. Certainly the most talked about. He's also not a jackass, unlike some people I know.

Here's some friendly advice for the PS haters: If you don't like someone's work, try putting that person on ignore instead of bitching about it. Better yet, put everyone on ignore. Then there's no chance of you scratching your fragile corneas some jagged pixels.

Of course, now all the idiot trolls that reside in my comment section think I'm Tillman. It's only a matter of time before he starts getting hate letters (like what happened to Texaco), so I figure I should just apologize in advance. Save myself some time. Sorry Tillman. You're a good person, and you don't deserve to be attacked by some arrogant pixel-snobs. Now you get to join the illustrious ranks of the falsely accused.

Special Note: Picture Clinic VIP

By now most of the popular Farkers have RSVPed their invitations to join my exciting new blog, the Picture Clinic VIP. This premium edition of the Clinic provides exclusive content not available on the main page. We've been benefiting from a troll-free atmosphere, and the discussions have really been invigorating. Thanks to everyone who's helped make it possible.

Just because TPC:VIP is exclusive doesn't mean that I discriminate. If you're a loud jackass (hello, TSZ) and simply must be heard, you can access the blog by paying me a nominal fee of five dollars per month. It's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Stay tuned for more opportunistic capitalism from the Doctor!

Poetry Coroner II

Boner of a Lonely Heart

Hello there, crickets and trolls. It's a lovely day for a poetry critique, wouldn't you say? Boner has left me such a wonderful collection of verses. I'm so glad I saved them from the fire at the original Fark the Vote. Say what you want about old Boner, but his poetry is definitely on message. Overall, I'd have to say he doesn't seem to like me very much. I wonder why that is? Surely it isn't because I can pick apart every imbecilic argument he makes, even if HE WRITES IN ALL CAPS? We may never know, because Boner is perpetually silent. He's like the Calvin Coolidge (Silent Cal, as they liked to call him) of hate blogging.

Today's feature is a lovely untitled gem that I like to call Peace of the Manatees.

Peace of the Manatees
by Edward Boner
You call it your burden. You draw attention to your plight.
You whine and you moan, but make sure you're in sight.
When the pale horse comes
When the death rattle hums
There'll be none of you left, and to me that would be all right.
It was all just a show. You wore the costume of the clown.
You prayed they wouldn't find out. That your facade wasn't torn down.
It would crush your pathetic life, but maybe what you need is a little strife.
Something to bring you back down to earth, and smash your porcelain mask upon the ground!

Bleah, what a stinker! Well, at least Boner took my advice on poetic structure to heart. Unfortunately, he takes it to the opposite extreme. Unlike his earlier works, which suffer from a complete lack of structure, this poem is far too rigidly constructed. You get the sense that he worked pretty hard at not only rhyming it, but also matching up the length of the sentences. Unfortunately, these actions severely limit his ability to make sense. Throughout POTM, he seems to have no concept of poetic flow.

I love his creative use of imagery. For example, the line about "when the death rattle hums" really makes the poem. Odd, I've never heard of a person's death rattle sounding like a hum. I thought it was supposed to be more of a "rattle" sound. "Hey, Grandma's dying! Have her do Camptown Races!" I also like the "pale horse" bit. He probably wrote that line first, then built the poem around it. Classic amateur move, Boner. "When the pale horse comes?" Are the Four Horsemen going to get Totalfark accounts? I don't even want to know what Death's username would be. I'm damn sure it isn't TheSniperZERO, though.

Stay tuned for more damned sureness from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Motives

Hello there, crickets and trolls. It's time for the Friday Q&A. In this feature, my readers have a chance to seek enlightenment through the time-honored tradition of the Socratic Method. As a doctor, it is my sacred duty to heal the wounds of ignorance and mend the bones of knowledge. Ask away, gentle reader.
And bend the mind of Boner.
Q: Why does the Critic hate Tillman so much?
secret idenity clue: 8/15/07 posting
A: I have no idea. I just got done reading a scathing review of the old Tillmeister, over at TFPSTC. Looks like he made the Worst Photoshopper of the Week for the nine billionth time. The Critic should just rename that feature the Worst Tillman of the Week and be done with it. Why even bother to critique the rest?
The Critic is gay for Tillman.
Q: Did you see Boner's new Blogger avatar?

A: Oh yeah. And would you believe, he's a lot prettier than I expected? I know hate blogging isn't supposed to be a fashion show, but he's got me and the frumpy old Critic beaten hands down. Not much of a contest, really.

Q: What happened to Fark the Vote?

A: It assploded. Apparently Boner has decided to re-purpose his blog as a hilarious critique of the homeless. And why not? Nothing's funnier than going hungry while you die of hepatitis in the gutter. True comedy gold. But don't despair, poetry fans. His wit and wisdom are still available at Classic Fark The Vote.

That's all for today, gentle reader. As you all know, I like to close out the Q & A posts by taunting my good friend Boner. Ha ha ha. Why did you delete Fark the Vote? Don't you care about the Liters? The Totalfark "elite" laughs derisively at your piteous and misguided attempt to subvert our "hierarchy." Now go lay in the gutter so I can critique you.

I win again
Stay tuned for more taunting features and featureless taunts from the Doctor!

Poetry Coroner

Post Moron Depression

Happy Monday, crickets and trolls. I'm trying out a new feature here at the Clinic. Since my good buddy Boner has left behind such a wealth of hateful verses, why not critique a few? Today's masterpiece is called Post Mortem Depression, and it appeared on the second version of Fark the Vote.
you there Boner?
Post Mortem Depression
by Edward Boner
Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum
Your multiple accounts are so much fun.
You whore and you troll in your quest for more votes.
It's a symphony of disgust, hitting all the sour notes.
I'd be a liar if I said that you all lacked great skill,
but you've fed me so much bullshit, I've had quite my fill.
The new sheep to your flock, are as pretentious as ever.
Unshopped images abound, those are really quite clever.
Where's Aarkieboy to show you all the errors of your ways.
Where's the humor and the skill that once filled our yesterdays.
A wasteland's all that's left upon the contest pages.
The losers have taken over, the bickering still rages.
There's nothing exquicite about this corpse, it's merely beginning to rot.
And the votes and participation will continue to die, whether you like it or not.
your poetry is a joke.
Glad that's over. Post moron depression is more like it. This puppy is ten pounds of suck in a five pound bag. I love how Boner kicks it off with a non-rhyme. "Dum" and "fun"? It just doesn't work. I'm not being a dick here, either. Any teacher on Earth (even a science teacher) would tell you that this poem has no structure. Writing in verse is more complex than just rhyming the last words of some bile-drenched sentences. It takes a measure of wit and sophistication.

Boner must realize he's putting out a pretty limp-wristed effort, because about 3/4 of the way through it he drops Aarkieboy's name in there. Pretty lame, Boner. I met George Clooney once, and he said anyone who does that is an asshole. However, if you insist on dragging even more Farkers into this clusterfuck, perhaps you should check out this quote from Aarkieboy's profile:
go fuck yourself.
People who have no sense of humor chap my ass...Rule #62: Don't take yourself (or anything for that matter) too damn serious.

I couldn't agree more. It should be followed immediately by:

Rule #63: If you're a humorless dick, don't assume that everyone else is, too.

Some of us like to laugh. If you're having trouble getting the joke, turn off the magic porno-box and fix yourself a nice warm glass of STFU. We don't give two shits about what you think of Fark. Fuck you and the trite literary cliche you rode in on.

This poem sounds as though it were subcontracted out to a 14 year-old emo douchebag. It certainly wasn't written by anyone intelligent enough to spell exquisite correctly. But then, we're dealing with a guy who thought posting contest pictures on a blog read by no one would make a difference, so we already know Boner's pretty dumb. I just can't believe he's too scared to comment here at the Clinic. Keep in mind that he has pledged not "...to correspond or go back and forth with anyone trying to start some pathetic feud..." so don't expect a brilliantly composed rebuttal. Just remember, Boner: you might not think you started this feud, but if you show up on my property, Richard Dawson will tear you limb-from-limb.

Stay tuned for more poetic deconstructions by the Doctor!