Rejected Themes Part IV

How to Succeed at Failure Be TSZ
Welcome again, friends. It seems I can not get enough of that sweet little drug called rejection. Why do I continually yearn for the things that push me away? Only my ex-girlfriend's lawyer knows for sure. Time again for a look at the contests that never were, and the pictures that shouldn't be.
Lost Theme 7: "Well, that doesn't belong there..." I banged your mom.
It's too bad this one didn't go green. The other PSers would have put up a good fight, given such clearly defined thematic boundaries. It's sad to say that a lot of people just don't have the special kind of intellect that I do. It's like I'm awesome and great at the same time. That being said, here is a hastily thrown together mock-up of what my winning entry would have looked like.
Definitely out of place, by my reckoning. The other 'shoppers could have kissed their vote averages goodbye if this bad boy had gotten the greenlight. By using the classic cliché of "The Fark Photoshop Thread Critic," I have created something that all the voters are aware of, and can readily identify with. Hail the conquering champion! The Critic should DIAF.
Lost Theme 8: Old School Video Game Movies
That's not the exact wording of the headline. There have been two links in the last few days with this same basic premise. I'm not sure why the admins aren't going for it, since movie themes tend to be popular. Maybe they think we've had too many in recent weeks. At any rate, it's only a matter of time before they greenlight another movie theme. And I'll have this masterpiece on deck. Look out, world...
Does Minesweeper count as a video game? Millions of bored people at work think so. They're the ones viewing Fark, and they're the ones that would be voting for my entry in droves. I mean if it had gone green. But since it didn't, I can declare a premature end to the voting, and proclaim myself the winner. I therefore retain the top spot on the Imaginary Fark Honor Roll. Congratulations, me.
Stay tuned for more crap from the Doctor! And be sure to drop me an email at my all new listed address... Andrew St. Clair sucks.

TFPSTC: The Motion Picture Part III

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free! Time for another spectacular motion picture event, starring Yours Truly and the Critic. Or does he want us to call him TheSniperZERO now? He surely won't see this, as he is no doubt hard at work on his next spam email. Aloha Critic!

Rejected Themes Part III

Redlight Visions Redux
The stench of failure is all around me. What can I say? I like doing these rejected themes. Anyone who has ever read this blog will know that I'm a big fan of things that are pointless. It is to that effect that I present part three, or III, of my redlight study. Here are two recently rejected themes that would have been great to see. I'm sick of your attitudes. Grown men acting like children!
Lost Theme 5: Updated Versions of Norman Rockwell Paintings You don't own Fark.
We just had an art contest, so I guess that's why this one got shot down. It's just as well no one even tried. They would have faced certain defeat at the hands of my unstoppable powerhouse, a repurposing of "Crackers in Bed."
As you can see, I have created a Cliché Crossover, the most unbeatable kind of winning Fark entry known to man. By using the two most hilarious Fark Clichés, I have created a transcendent piece of classic humor. The best part is that by only spending 15 minutes on its construction, I gave myself more time to bask in its brilliance. Like my ex-girlfriend used to say, "just hurry up and finish, I have to get back to work."
Lost Theme 6: What does an Asshat look like?
I'm not sure if this theme has unlimited potential, but I can think of at least one possible contest pic. Can you guess my concept? I'll give you a hint: he's the biggest ass I know. Give up? Scroll down, Gentle Reader...
Get it? Ass hat? Asshat? Well screw you, then. You don't know enough about humor to understand why this is funny. Your fucking blog sucks.
Stay tuned for more elitist dismissals from the Doctor!

Rejected Themes Part II

Redlight Visions
It's been said that opportunity only knocks once, but failure bangs on your walls at all hours of the night. It is in that spirit that I present part two, or II, of my red theme study. Here are two rough concept sketches of what my glorious winning entry could have looked like, if only the admins would see fit to give us some more theme goodness.
Lost Theme 3: Video Game Expertise Translated into Real Life
I'm not sure why this theme got denied. I would have had fun with it. I can think of a couple of concepts for this one, but for my example I will use GTA.
Of course, I probably would have spent more than 20 minutes on it if I was going to enter it in a real contest. Probably would have used a different font as well. For anyone who cares, the source pic is from a Tivo commercial, I believe. A guy is hanging his head out the window in the original, so I had to clone that away. Now the car looks kind of weird without a driver.
Lost Theme 4: Become Big Brother. Create a Propaganda Poster for your very own Dystopia TSZ should hang himself.
This one seemed limitless to me on the surface, but now I'm not so sure. How many variations of the Big Brother poster do we need to see? Also, I believe we did a propaganda poster contest not too long ago.

Here's my vision for the Big Brother contest. Apologies to Papa Bear over at the TFPSTC. The source is an original Big Brother poster that I inverted. Not my best work, but it's stupid to spend more than 20 minutes on a non-contest piece. However, since I am the only one to attempt either theme, that means I automatically won. Congratulations, me. I always knew I could do it.. You are a pussy.

Stay tuned for more imaginary self-congratulations from the Doctor!

Photoshop Theme: Rejected Theme Contest Ideas

The Theme Team

Hello again, crickets and trolls. There was a lot of talk about theme contests in yesterday's comment section, and it got me thinking about my own graveyard of redlit submissions. What would I have done if the contest went green? I used to think I'd abstain from posting, but lets face it... submitting a greenlit theme contest and not participating is a bit like buying a sports car and never driving it. Here are two of my past redlit contest ideas, along with a couple quick and dirty sketches of what a potential winning entry from yours truly might look like. Because winning is everything. Winners are losers.

Lost Theme 1: Design a Coloring Book or Activity Page that deals with Modern Issues

I had high hopes for this submission. No dice, it was red within five minutes. Just as well I guess... could you imagine an entire thread of B&W "coloring book" pages? They would have all probably started to look the same after a while. Here's one I threw together in 20 minutes, not counting the GIS.

Lost Theme 2: Design a Trading Card for a Fark Photoshopper (Not Yourself)

I thought this was such a great idea when I submitted it. Now, seeing the way we squabble amongst ourselves, I'm not so sure. Still, I think we could have had fun with this one. I added the "not yourself" difficulty to prevent vote whoring, but I guess if you're targeting a particular Farker, you're at least whoring for one vote. Oh well.

I chose Ike for my example, but please don't get jealous. Any of you would have made a fine subject. It would just take too long to crank out one of these for everyone. I can't spend all day photoshopping, you know. I have to at least reserve some time for jerking off. hahaha you read my blog! LOSER!

More to Come... TFPSTC is a vaginal bloodfart.

That's all for now. I'm off to pour myself a glass of bourbon and lament the failures of my Fark career. Why is it that the words "blogging" and "descent into madness" so often go hand in hand? Only my pistol knows for sure...

Stay tuned for more drunken suicidal rantings from the Doctor! And share your own lost themes if you feel like it...

The Critic Should 23 Skidoo

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free! Hello again, crickets and trolls. Here is another motion picture event starring the Critic and his favorite cliche, the Paint Huffer guy!

Cliché Exposé!

R.I.P. HA!HA! Guy
Recent forum chatter has indicated the death of Fark's beloved HA!HA! Guy, since the usage of this paticular cliché involves nothing more than adding text to the picture. It's always sad to see a beloved cliché fall by the wayside, so I would like to observe a moment of silence for the HA!HA! Guy.
(Please wait exactly one minute before continuing on...)
Was that long enoungh? I can't tell, my watch doesn't have a minute hand. Whatever. Anyway, this paticular image dates back to the 1960s (when tri-corner hats found new 'retro' appeal), and is obviously an advertisment for Insoluble Dry Plates, which were later rendered obsolete by Insoluble Wet Plates.

Text Nazis
So What's the deal about adding text to a photo not being a photoshop, Fark Mods? What if I use photoshop to add the text? Way to stifle creative freedom. I hate to see things like that. I really do. It makes me afraid to even use words in my work at all, lest it meet the same fate as my next example...

Down Comes the Hammer

This picture was leading the pack with an insurmoutable lead of 120 votes. Then some Moderator, no doubt drunk on power and stoned on paint fumes, comes waltzing into the thread and ZAP! There goes my hard work. Really, try to have a bit of decency, you monsters.

Good Night Friends

That's all for now. Be sure to catch the spirited debate in our comment section. Today's topic will be TFPSTC: Is He Stupid, or Just an Idiot? Both sides are sure to weigh in. And be sure to get your aguments ready for tommorrow's big debate Using the Same Handle Everywhere on the Internet: Really Dumb Idea, or Really Really Dumb Idea? Figured out who I am, yet?

Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor! Like how to avoid making a complete ass of yourself on the Internets...

TFPSTC: The Motion Picture

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free! Hola, amigos.
Here is a brand new movie starring the Critic and everyone's favorite me, Me!

Tears of a Clown Sweater

Clown Sweater: Cliche Heavyweight
Greetings, Crickets and Trolls. Anyone familiar with the garden of our beloved Fark Cliches is well aware of its immutable nature. Over the years, no cliche has ever fallen into disuse or been forgotten. By far the most used cliche of 2007 has been the Clown Sweater.

History Lesson
Pictured above is the cliche in question. It is a photograph of actor Bill Heaton, the star of the hit 90's TV show Filthy Space Communists: The Next Generation. The sweater he is wearing is reportedly similar to one often worn by The Fark Photoshop Thread Critic. This picture has appeared in over 2,692 contests this month. It is living proof that Fark Cliches do not have a life span, never fall out of favor, and never become passe..
Proper Usage
The Fark Voting Public (or FVP) have demanded that the Clown Sweater must be used in all situations involving clowns, sweaters, or space communists. Also, this cliche is closely associated with The Fark Photoshop Thread Critic, as he reminds many Farkers of a clown.

One Way Ticket to Clown Town
Here is my winning entry from the "Paste the Paint Huffer's Face onto the Clown Sweater" theme contest from last week.

I won, as usual. Not much of a contest when I enter, obviously. Many famous Farkers commented on it, saying it caused them to beat their children out of frustration in the face of my brilliance. Honestly, I don't blame them. I'm a pretty hard act to follow.

Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor! And make sure to read the inane blather belted out by Socky, the Sock Puppet Troll in our comment section!

Cliche Tutorial IV: Golden Boy

H.R. Huff 'n Stuff
One of the most respected cliches on Fark is the Paint Huffer Guy (Painterus-Hufferus), also referred to by TFPSTC as Tillman's Dad. It is widely acknowledged by the Internet Humor Tracking Council to be one of the gravest threats to international humour security in the entire world.

The Man
Take a good look. This is the picture you will be posting/ losing to in the Fark PS contests. Obviously, this picture is a Fark exculsive, not seen anywhere else in the world of the Internet. No one knows who this man is, or why this picture was taken. Some have speculated that it may be a birthday photo. Perhaps it was taken on the day he graduated from law school.
Proper Usage
The Fark Voting Public (or FVP) have decreed that Huffer Guy be used in all situations where a guy has a face. The picture is quite versitile, and lends itself well to that effect. Today, I took some time out from blogging to post a Fark entry. I had almost forgotten I'm a photoshopper.

I Won...
I entered this in the "Make a Celebrity into the Paint Huffer Guy" contest that posted today. It was a late submission, but it totally dominated the limp-wristed efforts of the PSAEF regulars (hello if you're still actually reading this, guys! I really hope you have better things to do, though...)
Try to Keep Up
I see the Photoshoptor Socktor has updated his blog, found linked on the main page of TFPSTC. That's good, Socktor. Now there can be two voices of Truth and Reason. I'm glad you can use the cut/paste feature. Keep it going, friend.
Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor! The troll thats so much of a troll that he only trolls other trolls...

The Internet: a Place for Rational People to Discuss Things

Touching a Nerve
Anyone who takes time to carefully examine yesterday's comment section may have noticed a bit of a conflict between the sock puppet Me (controlled by a coward) and the Critic. I hate that things got so ugly, but I think the Critic may have actually gotten his message across. I had never thought about it before, but he is just as stupid and gay as he claims to be. I was over-thinking the situation. At any rate, it's obvious to everyone how ruthlessly he got PWNED. I woke up this afternoon to a bunch of spam cambot postings. Wow. You know, that was the last straw. I hereby resolve to give up blogging forever. Just as soon as the Critic takes down his blog and I die of old age.
The Return of the King
My rivalry with Papa Bear over at the main site has apparently made him reconsider his "no comment" policy. Comments are now up and running. Go check the "site friends" links and see for yourself. I'm sure we'll all be glad to have a return to spirited debate over at TFPSTC. Thank the FSM for that. And kudos to the Critic for the snazzy new page design.
This May get Ugly
Anyone with a weak stomach had best not read tonight's comment section. Things are about to get said about people's mothers that you wouldn't believe. I'll allow it though. If Sock Puppet Me and the Critic want to duke it out, they can have at it. Keep it clean, guys!
Coming Soon to a Blog Near You...
The requested return of my most popular section, the MSPaint Tutorial. We'll be handling "Paint Huffer Guy," the perennial cliche heavyweight. Beloved by all, Huffer Guy is one cliche that is completely exclusive to Fark. No one else on the entire Internet is amused by it. Be sure to check out our exclusive write up.
Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor! The anonymous defender of Free Speech who thinks the Critic should STFU!

Attack of the Clones

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery
I want to welcome all the new "mees" to the site. I was not aware I had such a differing opinion of myself. The Internet is fun. I knew people would sock me when I started this place. Why do you think I chose such a stupid name as "Photoshoptor Doctor"? Ha ha, you made an "ass" of yourself... Get it? Well, we both know that if you were good at "getting" jokes you wouldn't be picking apart the other Farkers' work.
How to Spot a Phony
Anyone visiting the comments section has no doubt noticed more than a few copies of me. Probably someone's attempt to get me to turn off anon commenting. Sorry, no dice Bucko. Anyone who wants to anon comment about anything, whether it be the Critic's sandy vagina or my own pathetic attempt at parody are more than welcome to. Here's how to spot a phony me:
1) Posting time of 6:00-12am: Not me. I don't get up that early. The only Blogger I know who of who posts from that time is Papa Bear over at the TFPSTC. I've seen him post around 7:30 am a couple of times. His goon squad has the run of this place until around noon.
2) Link goes to profile with fewer views than 200 something: Not me. The profile was created trying to match my own exactly. Though I'm not sure if they got the song right. I'd have to check. Anyway the new mees have much lower profile views.
3) Poorly written comments: Not me. Anyone who reads this rag should know of my own particular style. My impostors may want to consult a thesaurus.
4) Naming Farkers I hate: Not me. I love every Farker, especially the senior ones. Most definitely Brian O'Blivion. My work would not exist without yours. I even love the Critic. I hope he never shuts up. I didn't laugh this hard at the Simpsons Movie, and that's saying a lot.
Something Beautiful Happened
I don't often intend to do this, but I'm going to talk about some real Farkers for a minute. Anyone who follows the PSAEF should be familiar with the dust up that occurred between And-1 and HellYeahHokie. Both are PSers of the highest caliber, and it has hurt me to see them sniping at each other. I think their conversation in "R.I.P. TFPSTC Comment Section" helped to clear the air a bit. Sorry to put the spotlight on you guys, but I respect both of you too much to let this pass without giving other Farker's a chance to learn from your example. This forum will be open to anyone wanting to settle a beef. Just look out for the clones...
Speaking of Which
I want to apologize to any of you who were sock puppeted. Rest assure I had nothing to do with it. If anyone wants me to believe it's really you, use And-1's "waves at the bloggers" idea. Accept maybe you shouldn't post in the PSAEF. That might be distracting/threadjacking if it happens all the time. Just paste your comment's time code into your Fark Profile. Unless you're Roger Mexico's haxxxor, LOLz...
I Defeated your Assassin
Thought you could get the drop on me by sending that assassin dressed up like the mailman yesterday, eh Critic? The jokes on you, pal. He won't be reporting back any time soon. What's next, a fake meter reader? Bring it on.
I am an Attention Whore
I want you to look at me. LOOK AT ME!!!!!111!!eleventy!!! I am the best Blogger in the world. Love me! LOVE ME!!!!11!!! Oh yeah? Well I never loved you anyway. I hate you for making me love you! You never touch me anymore.
Stay tuned for more vaginal siliacate-infused jackassery from the Doctor!

Greetings PSAEF (Update)

Hello to all
And-1 linked me in the forum, so I had to make a new post. Hey guys! Great to have you here... Let the sock puppetting commence!
How To
Write the name of the person you want to spoof, then paste their profile url (fark, blogger, etc) into the website blank. So that's how the Critic did it! Thanks And-1! UR teh roXXorz!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!
Look out for the "fake" Me.
My precious identity has been stolen. There is now a counterfiet Doctor. Awesome. Now I can argue with myself, just like at home. Look out for this jagoff... He'll bite ya!

R.I.P. TFPSTC Comment Section

The End of an Era
It looks like Papa Bear has turned off his comment section over at the Photoshop Critique. It's such as shame. Just as the spirited debate was heating up, too. I wonder what I will do now in between making stupid pictures. It really is too bad... And what of the Troll Poll? Has it's usefulness been negated? Drat. I was really looking forward to beating "Whichever Poster is Brian O'Blivion."
Welcoming Arms
I am hereby extending a hand to the Critic. Since his comments have suddenly been destroyed, most likely by Communists, he is welcome to post here. That goes for his goon squad, too. If any of you have a well thought rebuttal, or want to call me a poopy face, you are welcome to. Anon to your heart's content. Just keep in mind the Critic cuts himself every time you say something bad about him. Let the man have some blood for FSM's sake.
The Internet: Won?
Should we break out the Mission Accomplished banner? By removing his comments section, the Critic took his own critics out of the picture. Unfortunately, he also removed his only supporters. Not to worry though. They are all welcome here, as I enjoy a spirited debate. So come and comment, we're all waiting for you.
Stay tuned for more anonymous sabre-rattling from the Doctor!

Flame Wars: Essential to Photoshopping

The Art of the Flame
Creating quality, cliche-filled work can only get you so far on Fark. If you ever want to win, you've got engage in the time honored tradition of the Flame War. Here is an easy guide to flaming. Follow it, and you too can join the vast pantheon of people who have opinions.
Know your Opinion
Much like the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the journey to becoming an opinionated asshat begins with a single thought. What is that thought, you may ask? Simple: I am better than everyone else. This thought is often followed quickly by another: Everyone is stupid but me. Thinking this way is good for the creative process, and helps to ward off stagnation of design.
/Flame On
Now that you have an opinion, it's time to get out there and tell everybody. Only bitter people keep their opinions to themselves. You've got to let the world know, baby!
1. Find the nearest person (it may be necessary to find someone who disagrees with you).
2. Tell them that they suck.
You may want to get on the Internet to do this. However, this guide also works in the meat-world as long as you don't mind getting punched in the face.
Show No Mercy
Anyone who disagrees with you is your sworn enemy. Don't even consider that they may have a valid point. Points are irrelevant. Flame wars aren't about making points. They are about yelling and stamping your feet. No one's mind ever got changed in a flame war, so don't bother trying.
The Keepers of the Flame
To keep things straight, you need to get a list going of all the people you hate. Annotate it according to whether or not you have discredited the person yet. Keeping an ongoing tally of everyone who hates each other in the Fark forums can be difficult, but no one said this was going to be easy. Oh wait, did I?
Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor! Be sure to call me a fag in the comments section!

Tutorial on Roger Mexico's Wife

Proper Creepy Guy placement
The longest running and perhaps best understood Fark Cliche is the Creepy Guy, also referred to as Roger Mexico's Wife. Everyone knows what he is a reference to, but no one is sure exactly who first started posting him. What is known is that every Fark entry, to be taken seriously, must include a Creepy Guy.

Here is the Creepy Guy, also referred to as Roger Mexico's Wife. His origins are mysterious and elusive.

Here is an attempt by a beginner that posted in a recent contest. WRONG! You fail! You can't even see his face. This n00b should just quit. Go hang yourself or something...

Here is an example of proper execution of the Roger Mexico's Wife cliche. Note how he is in the center, where you can see him.

Here is the winning entry that posted in that contest. I like to call this type of work a "cliche crossover." It is often unbeatable. The only defense? Paint Huffer Guy...
Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor, whose secret identity will never be determined. Never!

Winning in One Easy Lesson

How to win a Contest

Child's play, really. All you have to do is harness the power of the allmighty Fark Squirrel. Fire up MSPaint and get to gettin'.

As you can see, this original is pure crap. Everyone knows that hummingbirds are flightless, so this pic has obviously been manipulated before submission. Highly dubious.

Now we're seeing some progress. By including as much of the Squirrel source as possible, you assure yourself a high number of votes. Good on Ya. There's still room for improvement, though.

This entry is what I like to call "top tier" work. It's almost too good to submit. It would dwarf the other contest pics. I don't want to steal anyone's thunder. That's not what this blog is about.

Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor

10 Photoshop Demandments

Time To Make Some Demands
I have compiled this list to help my fellow Farkers become more high minded, like my friend the Critic. Go over it carefully. I have found that compiling lists of things is a great way to get better at photoshopping. Try it yourself some time. Make sure to take yourself seriously. After all, the internet is Serious Buisness. I want to thank all the newcomers who have commented on my blog. Stick around. You just might learn something.

I will soon begin posting some basic MSPaint tutorials. If you pay close attention to them you will be well on your way to following the Path of the Righteous Photoshopper.
I'm just doing my part to make sure more people turn out like the gang over at TFPTC.
Stay tuned for more tips from the Doctor!

Setting Up

Trackballs: Worth the Money?

If you're going to compete in a Fark PS contest, you'd better have the right tools for the job. Don't let the salesman at your local electronics warehouse talk you into a Wacom. You'll never be able to create anything decent with one of those. You need to locate a trackball. You know what I'm talking about? They're like an upside down mouse. DO NOT TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN. Or wait, maybe you're supposed to. Whatever.

The Proper Enviornment

Photoshopping requires a free mind, and a free mind requires a free workspace. Locate a room or partioned area at least 4x5. Make sure to keep it clear of living insects. Here's a hint: If you keep enough trash on the floor, you won't even be able to see the roaches. Out of site, out of mind.

Begin

Go to Fark.com's contest page . View the headlines. DO NOT CLICK ON THE PICTURE LINKS! You aren't ready yet. Once you've seen a headline, you should start to get an idea. Click the picture link so you can be dissapointed with whatever got greenlighted. Then go off to your blog and bitch about how the quality of Fark has declined.

Go Fuel Yourself

At this point, you're probably hungry. Go get in your car and drive to McDonald's. You might want to switch to a laptop so you can continue reading this blog without having to drag your desktop all the way there.

Take a Nap

All Fark Photoshoppers, every single one, takes a nap before he/she photoshops. Nothing like a 16 hour nap to get the creative juices flowing. If you still don't have an idea when you wake up, just go back to sleep. Repeat until your muscles atrophy.

Stay tuned for more helpful hints from the Doctor!

Welcome

People frequently ask me, "Doctor, how can I become a better photoshopper?" Well, ok, no one has asked me that, but if they ever do, I will tell them that the secret involves many complex principles, all of which I will expound on here.
hahahahaha made you look!
The right software for the job
Two words: MSPaint. Oh wait that's one word. At any rate, it's a word you need to learn. Go to your local compter software store and ask the clerk about the newest version of MSPaint. Accept no substitutes.
you fucking SUCK dude!
Compile a list of enemies
You're not going anywhere without a good list of enemies. Anyone who posts in a Fark contest is a threat to your precious vote average. Discredit them at every oppurtunity.
I'll never tell you who I am.
Huff paint
It gives you great ideas.
I have a pretty good idea who Boner is.
Jack off to pictures of Macauly Caulkin
It worked for the Fark Photoshop Thread Critic. He told me once that it's the secret of his power. Personally I don't want to win that badly.
Can't wait to confirm it. LOLz!
Create 200 alternate accounts
200 accounts means 200 votes. Way more than enough to ensure victory. For details consult TFPTC.
Here is a hint: you are a worthless turd.
Purchase some Vagina Sand
This can be obtained at Homo Depot. Make sure to get the extra fine grain variety. Cram about six pounds up your vagina/mangina. This will aid you in forming opinions about people's work.
LOL Blogger.
Stay tuned for further advice from the Doctor!