No Photoshop Needed

WTF? GIS?! ZOMFG!!
GIS sucks now anyway
Lately, I've been getting pissed off at the glut of "no shop, no votey" GIS crap posted on Fark. Fortunately, I remembered that I run a hate blog. If the Critic can call out a bunch of people for actual photoshopping, then I can write a snotty post chastising a few morons for screwing up our contests.

The Unusual Suspects
It's TheSniperZERO of image search engines.
Our first offender was late to the party, so you may have missed his post. I chose to call pelicanman out first because he's a Totalfarker. Seriously dude, WTF? A Totalfarker! Unbelievable. Martha Stewart?
No fooling?

When I think lust, the first thing that comes to mind is NOT Martha Stewart. Yuck. Just yuck.
DO NOT WANT
Farker ravenlore thought this "had to be posted." At least she didn't enable voting.
Anime sucks.

Doesn't seem to obvious to me, but what do I know? I guess a lot of people lust after anime. I can't even begin to tell you how sad that is. Not as sad as furries, though.
Fucking losers.
Farker copperheadclgp also decided to go with the "unedited anime GIS" angle. Of course, thanks to the wonderful and awesome auto-vote feature, he accidentally left voting on. Then some morons always think it's funny to vote for the unedited GIS, because it kind of is.

Now that I look at it, I think it's the same anime chick as before. What is the etticate for posting an unedited GIS that has already been posted by someone else?

Farker covarde_anonimo was surprised that no one had posted the Mythbusters chick. I guess she's cute, but I don't really lust after her.

The mods let it stand. At least it doesn't have voting enabled. Sigh.
Damn auto voter.
Ok, this is getting pathetic. Farker jeroendehaan... well, see for yourself.

Son of a bitch! I'm not sure that's even a GIS. I don't know what it is. Fark sucks now.

ItalianVinny also chose to go with the "anime GIS" angle for lust. I don't recognize the reference, but then I'm not a total loser living in my parent's basement.

Too many clothes to be hot, IMO. Why do people post this garbage?

This GIS posted by espiaboricua was allowed to stand, even with voting enabled.

Another "no 'shop, no voting." With voting. FSM, I love the auto-vote enabler.

Boris S. Wort gives us another GIS, but at least there's no voting. This picture was "obvious" to him.

What I always get a kick out of is seeing what's "obvious" to some people. Humanity is a strange animal, indeed.

Farker steveurkel blessed us with an unedited picture of Allison Stokke. I don't see what the big deal is about this chick. I guess she's hot, but she looks like three girls that I went to high school with and seven I went to college with. Nothing unique. Just sayin', there's way hotter underaged chicks out there.

It got over 26 votes. Alter your playbooks, PSers. Underage chicks in need of a boob job are the new hotness.

Nocens is the last Farker on our list. I'm not sure how to react to this, really. He writes "No voting, no shopping was required" and voting is clearly enabled, so I got kind of a laugh. Beyond that, I have to wonder about this guy's state of mind.

I like his name, though. Nocens, get it? Like how posting farm animals in a Lust contest makes no sense. Do anyone besides farmers and TheSniperZERO have sex with sheep?

Ok, that's all for now. I don't even think that was all of the unedited stuff. I just don't get it. You'd think the Powers That Be would be aware that whenever a contest goes live, some idiots spam it with crap. If they're going to zap stuff by paying contributors, they can at least be on guard for the ever-rising flood of garbage. By no means was that last statement meant in a harsh tone towards the lovely Gwinny, or any of the mod squad for that matter. Reading through the hate in some of these Fark flame wars gives me new appreciation for what they do.

Stay tuned for more passive aggressive behavior from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Questions
HAHA hit he with another poem, hoss!
Has it been a week already? Gather round, kids. It's time for your favorite feature, the Friday Q&A. Don't let it slip my mind next time. Saturday Q&A doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
I wish they'd fix the fucking que. And you're a fag.
Q: What was your favorite Fark image this week?
It is teh suxxors lately.
A: Easy question. You're stupid for not knowing, and should be hated. Hands down, the best image this week has to be an entry that appeared in the "Sloth" contest. Created by the lovely and talented Quickdraw, this one easily landed in the winner's circle.
I hate stupid rules.
Why was Lust an insta? Dumbshits.

Breathtaking, isn't it? Looks like I've got a new desktop wallpaper. Way to raise the bar, QD. Unfortunately, from a modly perspective it qualified as an unaltered GIS (whuh?) and got zapped. Which leads us to our next question.

GISers deserve to die.

Q: What's with all the unedited GIS pictures in the recent contests?
"NO PS N33D3D!"

A: There were always a few, but it seems to have gotten bad lately. There was some outright thievery in the Anger contest that I found shocking. I suppose there will always be a few morons who post "No PS needed" with some stupid GIS image, but we notice it more with the auto-vote feature. Look for an upcoming post with some of the crap I saw in today's Lust contest. You can hate on Totalfarkers, but at least we don't post garbage like that. I think regardless of the theme or picture, we do a pretty good job setting up a contest for the general population to come take a big crap on. You just don't see GIS nonsense and trolling comments until after a thread goes live. Speaking of which...

What kind of a name is Edward Boner?

Q: What's with the trolling crap?

Dick is short for Richard, not Edward.

A: Seems to be a common occurrence lately. Every contest has some jerk to proclaim it the "worst contest ever" or chastise us for not PSing some stupid idea that seems obvious to them. IMO, anyone who does that should get their Fark account banned after being kicked down a stairwell filled with broken glass and used syringes. Maybe I'm just bitter. I should write a poem about it.

Who do you think I am now, asshat?

Thanks for reading, crickets and trolls. I want to close out today's post by expressing my extreme disappointment with Fark the Vote. I've been waiting for your next hamfisted poetic "attempt" for two days now, Boner. What gives? We miss you, already.

LOL "Dick is short" probably not the 1st time he heard that.

Stay tuned for more burning questions from the Doctor!

New Hotness

Changing the Face of Criticism
WTF? No hate poem today?
Hello once again, crickets and trolls. I thought I'd take time to highlight some of the exciting new features here at the Clinic. By now, you've probably noticed my improved profile avatar. Since the Critic is no longer wearing his Palpatine mask, my old ass-faced icon was looking a bit out of style. Definitely time for an update.
Stupid asshat.
BWAK BWAK BWAK BWAK!!!
New! The Video Dumpster and News Feed

Fark the Joke is more like it.

New features abound here at the Clinic. I've installed a feed to keep you updated on the latest photoshopping information. It's conveniently located on the sidebar, below the polls. There you can also find another exciting new feature, the Video Dumpster. It's your go to place for all the hottest PS tutorials. Just click a video that looks interesting. It will play at the top of the screen in a teeny tiny window. Squint your eyes, and it might be useful. Isn't Blogger great?

Your poetry sucks.

Stay tuned for more useful features from the Doctor!

Irrefutable Proof

The Evidence is in the Picture
Secret code: tghs fdfewe fdfdc eee edfefye ffwesf fg iiiiirew rw?
For any idiots out there who still might think my Fark alter ego is Texaco Saves, here is indisputable proof of that claims impossibility. I had almost forgotten, but Texaco and I were photographed together during the 2007 Fark PS Jamboree.
bonus code: ghhhsd wqq fewwe hgrews grwsdwf greeer ewqwer!
Like poems are going to make me quit posting.
He's the one on the left. I had a wonderful time at this year's festivities. It was a great chance to get together with everyone and bicker endlessly about pixel theft. Several fist fights broke out, and I'm proud to say I absconded with a fairly large chunk of the Critic's hair. Nowadays I now wear it around my neck as a good luck charm.
More poems please.
Stay tuned for incontrovertible evidence from the Doctor!

Special Tuesday Edition

An Overdue Apology
goddamned idiot
Greetings, crickets and trolls. I want to start by offering a public apology to Texaco Saves, who apparently received a harshly worded email that was intended for me. Sorry Texaco. Why wasn't the message sent to my clearly listed address? Odd.
this is hilarious
Return to Sender
please write another poem LMAO
I guess we'll never know what was said in the email, but we can safely assume that it was awkwardly phrased and riddled with misspelled words. Perhaps it was presented in the form of a shoddily constructed poem, a la Fark the Vote. It's a shame the author was too much of a chickenshit to post his bile here, for all seven of us to see.
Dickface
Poetry Spam
TF will never die.
I'm loving the lyrical spirit of the newest Fark hateblogger. Reading paragraph after dry paragraph over at TFPSTC has gotten to be so tedious. Boner has the Critic beaten hands down. He doesn't even try to make sense. He just types a bunch of weird stuff that's vaguely homoerotic. Long live Fark the Vote. Suck it, Totalfark Elite.
TheSniperZERO is gay. And he sucks.
Stay tuned for more long overdue apologies from the Doctor!

The Bitch is Back

Welcome Back, Boner...
Fark the Vote rules.
We're all celebrating here at the Clinic. Today, I have a glorious announcement: the return of Fark the Vote! Well, not the original, of course. More of a pale imitation, possessing none of the wit and charm that captured my heart last week. That being said, I'll take what I can get. His first post appears to be directed at me, so I'll respond here. Maybe then a few people will actually read it.
I'm glad you're back.
In His Own Words PWNED
Leave some more comments, bitch.
You Idolize TheSniperZERO.
I am wearing mirrors! WTF does that even mean?
OK, I'm going to stop you there. I do not idolize TheSniperHOMO. In fact, if any aspect of my life ever begins to even remotely resemble his, I'll kill myself. He's so bitter and burned out. Is that what all photoshoppers eventually become? Perhaps he and his goons are the symptoms of a larger disease.
They are. Big time.
And why shouldn't you?
He's a moran.
1. He can't write.
2. His blog isn't funny.
3. He sucks.
4. Something else that I reserve the right to make up at random.
He's gay.
You sit there, twiddling your thumbs, just wishing you could show people how witty and humorous you are. Your talents are wasting away. You need to find a canvas to spill yourself upon before your ego consumes you.
More like my Id at this point.
Are you kidding me? I'm a Farker. The whole world knows how awesome I am. Have you ever even been to
Fark? Check it out sometime.
Twiddling? The only thing I twiddle is your mom's cunt.
Then you see TheSniperZERO. Look at all the attention he's getting!
LMAO at that one.
Was that intended as sarcasm?
Nah he's not smart enough for sarcasm.
That attention should have been yours.
What attention? His average of two comments per post?
Or yours, right?
ROFL
You can't let your words fall on deaf ears. Like a leech you cling to him.
More like blind ears.
In case you're too stupid to notice, I haven't said one thing over at TFPSTC since the Critic reinstated comments. Not even anonymously, TSZ. And what's with all this "like a leech, you cling," bullshit? Corny.
No reason to comment at TFPSTC. The Critic reads this blog.
You wear mirrors to try and reflect his minimal success.
That's offically the stupidest thing I've heard today.
OK, now I know you're the Critic. If you aren't, please note that confused imagery is his bit. Nobody likes a ripoff, Boner.
The Critic is my bitch now.
You're the sincerest form of flattery, however oblivious to it you may be.
Kill yourself.
It's funny, I was about to say the same thing about you. Thank you so much for coming back. We missed you in the three days you were able to stay away. Now get back to doing what you do best: posting the contest "O's" in BMP format.
Bring it on, jackass.
Stay tuned for more cross-posted insanity from the Doctor!

Oh Boner, Where Art Thou?

Losing a Friend
HAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING PUSSY!
Today is a sad day at the Picture Clinic. It is my solemn duty to report the untimely demise of the hate blog Fark the Vote. The mysterious and enigmatic blogger known only as "Edward Boner" has unshared his profile, effectively ending his war against the Totalfark "elite." Why Boner? Did your ill-conceived sponsorship end? Did TheSniperZERO's assassins finally finish the job? We may never know, since he's too much of a coward to leave anon comments on my blog anymore.
Totalfark RULES
He was TSZ, I bet.
You know what I'll miss the most? Worrying about whose head would end up on a pike if a Liter rebellion ever occurred. Clearly, that was the intent of "Boner's" page: to trigger some sort of uprising in the Farklite community. Like a Helter Skelter of image mangling, or some such nonsense.
You're too chicken to comment. bwak bwak bwak!

Five Bucks: A LOT of Money

What a douchebag.
Honestly, I'm not sure what his beef was with Totalfark. It's the cheapest recurring expense in my budget. I spent all week paying out money to various asshole corporations. I have no problem giving Drew five bucks to obtain an unfair advantage in the PS contests. Fark is not a level playing field, but its uneven nature has inspired some of my favorite 'shoppers to better themselves. To that effect, I say long live the status quo.

LMAO loser

Stay tuned for more victorious rhetoric from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Urgent Questions Abound
Don't act like a bitch on the new forum, TSZ
Greetings once again, crickets and trolls. I've been getting a huge number of requests here at the Clinic, via my email address. I really wish I could answer all your questions. It would be stupid on my part to divulge all of my secret tips, but I guess I can let a few of the basic ones go. I present them to you here, in a handy Q&A format.
LOL, BTW. Mr Squirrel beat you to the punch.
Q: What is the best image manipulating program?
Or were you just bullshitting?
A: This one is easy. You should be considered retarded for even daring to ask it. In the eyes of the serious professional, there is only ONE program. Microsoft Image Editor, baby. I have a copy of version 1.0, and it's great. I had to downgrade my system to Windows 98, but it was totally worth it.
Where can I get a pint of astronaut ice cream?
Q: What is the best image format?
Blogging rules.
A: Another easy question. It's like the drunk freshmen sorority slut of questions. If you don't already know the answer, please kill yourself and spare the world the disgrace of your "learning". The best format EVAR is bitmap. Don't listen to the jpeg snobs. Bmp has many advantages over jpeg and the other "bastard" formats. For example, bitmap images are HUGE. Keeping a bunch of superfluous crap on your hard drive is a great way to remind yourself that there's a bunch of superfluous crap on your harddrive.
TheSniperZERO is an AW.
Q: Are you mad that the Critic ripped off your redlit images feature?
I've seen him kill before.
A: Finally, a real question. As you are all aware, Papa Bear has taken up the worthy cause of redlit PS links. Good for you, Critic. Am I mad? Of course not! For the record, it's not the first time he's copied me. I think we all know that the "Photoshoppers of the Week" has been a regular feature in my blog since 1997. Critty Boy took that idea and ran with it. I don't like to call it a ripoff. More like inspiration, really.
He's a monster and must be stopped.
Q: Do you like the Critic's new avatar?
What happend to Fark the Vote? No posty!?
A: Absolutely. What a great look for him. I see a lot of parallels between Loco Roco (a video game that few people understand), and TFPSTC (a blog that no one understands the purpose of).
Like we fucking care who he is.
That's all the questions for today, kids. Keep sending them in, and I'll continue to share my wealth of knowledge. Trying to be like me is the most worthy cause of all.
Jackass.
Stay tuned for more smug assumptions from the Doctor!

Responding to your Emails Part III

Hate Mail Bag
you are stupid
Greetings again, crickets and trolls. The hate mail keeps on flowing in here at the Clinic. In the latest installment of an ongoing series, I will try to address some of your most pertinent concerns.
I am not Texaco Saves or Heamer
Our first letter comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous, and is not me:
Posting upcoming Os is teh suxxorsz.
Dear Idiotface,
Your blog is the world's greatest proof of reincarnation; no one could get that dumb in just one lifetime. How about putting that into proper syntax, form, and grammar so that I can at least understand what you are saying before I dismiss it?
I suppose I should have some sympathy for your handicap. You are obviously paralyzed from the neck up. You wouldn't know Up from Down if you had three guesses. To quote Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
Your Clinic has that certain nothing. Truly, it is about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. All that and you probably have a face that could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck. Please DIAF.
Sincerly,
Enonymous
blogs are fun.
Wow. Did it feel good to let that out? I bet it did. Probably like taking a big shit. That's a great metaphor for the Internet. Millions of people shitting on each other. As for guessing up from down, I think I could probably get it in two tries.
I banged your mom.
Here is another anonymous email that wasn't written by me:
KILL YOURSELFKILL YOURSELFKILL YOURSELFKILL YOURSELF
Dear Fucktard
Everyone knows you bathe in the opaline off-scum rejecting from the underarm cavity of a Kterigadian Pimple Popper. Your body reeks of the misty mucidness pugging from the sweat orifices of a Chartreudian Earspider. Your chances for the future are the bronze cesspool browsing from the dirt pores of a Danthian Hnot. May you step in the glaucous extravasation imbedding from the secret pore of a Perdian Mucousdripper. Caution: Someone knows about your jaundiced grime multiplying from the slime nooks of a Boogfudian Floppydwart. May your hip pockets overflow with the lurid leucorrhea oozing from the sweat cavities of a Quooxmudgian Maggotdangler.
Your friend,
Halfwit Critic Fan
Seriously. KILL YOURSELF.
Wow. That hurts. Especially the Boogfudian Floppydwart part. You didn't have to go there. Below the belt, IMO, but what do I know? I'm just a Perdian Mucousdripper. Your kind of opinions are precisely why I posted my email address. Every opinion is valid, especially ignorant ones that are unsupported by reality.
secret code: GSKD/HGED/GFDGH/HDF/JSDHW
Stay tuned for more sad truths from the Doctor!

Rise of the Proletariat

We interrupt your regularly scheduled idiocy...
Fuck TheSniperZERO
The Emergence of Emergency
I am the egg man
Well well well. Well, well, well, well. It appears we have a new player on the Fark Blog scene. In addition to the more upscale sites like TFPSTC and my own beloved Picture Clinic, we now also have Fark the Vote. This exciting new Fark Blog is run by a mysterious photoshopper who identifies himself only as "Edward Boner."
I am the walrus
Boner (his real name) sees himself as the liberator of the unwashed Fark masses. He wants to knock down the ivory tower of the Totalfark elite, to confiscate our votes and distribute them amongst the Fark Lite masses. Sorry Boner, but if communism didn't work in eastern Europe, I doubt it can be properly implemented on a moderately popular news aggregate site.
Secret Code: JHGD/USKI/GJTRIU/YGO/EHGR/URYU/EDWE
In his first posting, Boner revealed several upcoming PS contest pics. Of course, he has since removed that posting since it was a flagrant violation of the Fark TOS. However, a cryptic message has appeared in its place:
Hey there, friend.
DON'T FRET MY PET
Currently working on a better way to threaten your votes. Stay tuned.
Posted by farkthevote@gmail.com at 1:09 PM 0 comments
you wish you were me.
We joke about a lot of things here at the Clinic, but voting is not one of them. How dare you threaten our precious votes? Voting is the most important thing in the world! Mocking the Critic is fun and all, but the very thought of letting those filthy liters get their grubby little hands on the contest pics ahead of schedule? That goes against the natural order.
the critic started that new blog
And he's currently working on a better way to threaten our votes. FSM only know what devious schemes a mastermind like that is capable of cooking up. Run TFers. Run for cover.
I bet he did...
Stay tuned for more fear-mongering from the Doctor!

The Face of Criticism

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free! Today is a very special day here at the Clinic. It's TheSniperZERO's BIRTHDAY! TSZ is the beloved 36 year-old blog administrator of our sister site, TFPSTC. Many happy returns to you, Sniper. Keep dancing!

Pimpin' these O's Part I

Red Light District
The Critic is gay
What were the admins thinking when they let this submitted photoshop link get passed over? What a shame. There are literally two ideas that I can think of for this one. Let us take a look at what could have been...
Ever had Astronaut Ice Cream?
sevas ocaxet ton ma i
This first one was inspired by the myth of Global Warming. What a load of hogwash. I've pulled more believable scientific theories out of my ass. It's just a diversion designed to distract us from the fact that vampires are real. This has been proven in at least 12 scientific research journals. Email me if you wish to discuss the details.
Wait for the birthday surprise...

I was born in Saginaw Mich.

This second image is dedicated to Heamer, a talented photoshopper who was accused of being me (how loathsome) merely because of his choice of the superior BMP image format. I salute you Heamer, for you are not me.

fuck the critic.

Stay tuned for more denials from the Doctor!

Cliché Today

Back by Popular Demand

Greetings, crickets and trolls. A recent poorly spelled email noted that some time had passed since my last cliché tutorial. While I disagree with what the writer had to say about my mother, I admit he has a point about the tutorial lapse. After all, clichés are the most important thing in the world. Way more important than original ideas. "Original" stuff makes me confused. Am I supposed to like it? Is it funny? How do I know if it's funny unless I've seen the joke a thousand times? Today, we will be taking a look at a classic Fark cliché. Can you guess which one? I'll give you a hint...
I like astronaut ice cream
It's an X-Files Reference
I have a picture of the Sniper's real face.
That's right, the notorious "I want to believe" poster from Fox Mulder's office. And for the record, I like to think of it as a reference to the "good" episodes of the X-Files. Like the one where the guy crawled in through the air duct and ripped out that dude's liver. Not the shit episodes that led up to the shit movie. Damn, that movie sucked.
Look for the Jib Jab video soon.
TheSniperZERO is a cocksmoker
Proper Usage
I'm so sick of his shit.
In the past, clever Farkers have often replaced the spacecraft with any number of humorous things. Purists will claim that "thing" substituted should be roughly disc shaped, but they are simply too old fashioned to keep up with modern trends. Nowadays, clever photoshoppers will put in all types of ironic items for hilarious comedic effect.
Thanks for turning your non comments back on, Critic.

I'm your best enemy

For example, here I have pasted in a picture of a book that I once saw in a motel. A great many politicians believe in this book. They live their lives by it, when they aren't abusing drugs and petitioning police officers for oral sex. That makes "the Bible" a source for great comedic fodder. For more comedy tips, look for my upcoming post "Humor 101."

I will never stop posting.

Here is my winning entry from the tumbleweed contest. Obviously it is of superior quality. Note the ragged edges. I've learned the hard way not to spend too much time on a Fark entry. If you make your work too clean, the voters will think you're some kind of know-it-all bitch. If you spend more than five minutes on a photoshop, you are over-thinking the concept. Also, it has been previously stated, but let me reinforce that you should be using only the most up to date version of MSPaint.

FUCK YOU TSZ

Stay tuned for more humorously stated insights from the Doctor! They are valuable to the community!

Responding to your Emails Part II

Hate Mail Bag
SECRET CODES ARE TEH AWESOME
Greetings again, crickets and trolls. I'm super swamped here trying to respond to the steady stream of angry emails flowing into my new listed address. Rest assured, your opinions matter to me. That being said, here are a few more of your complaints.
Get your detector rings ready, kids!
This first letter, as always, was not written by me:
Today's coded message GHO/PYSS15A/H7HEX/DA23HED LOLz!
Dear Lamer,
I see that you are fluent in Gibbering Moronese. Unfortunately, I'm not. Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001 worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. The good news is that no normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the sewers in search of your git. I shall leave you with a quote from the Bard.
"Thou art unfit for any place but hell."
Taken from: Richard III
Best Wishes,
A Friend
Show us you true face. No more hiding behind the Cobra Commander.
Ah, Shakespeare. My one true weakness. I shall favor you with this quotation from Henry IV, part 2. "Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you filthy bung, away!" As for your own quote, it's right on target.
(I've already seen it by the way)
This next message was also not written by me:
Secrets are fun
Dear Doctor,
You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature; Battlefield Earth and Moron Movies II. You would be out of focus.
Regards,
Doctor Hate Club Local 637
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Thank you. It's good to hear from your chapter of the Hate Club. Please try to check in more often. You raise several good points in your message. However, I must take issue with your mild insinuation that I am clueless. I assure you, I am great at getting clues. I could even get a clue in a parallel universe where the board game "Clue" had instead been called "Murderer."
Also, don't you ever talk about Battlefield Earth like that again. That movie is a sacred text in my religion.
Isn't the Blogosphere GREAT?! LETS GO SAVE DARFUR!!!11!
Stay tuned for more frustration and anger from the Doctor's vanquished foes!

TheSniperZERO: Stop Spamming the Contests!

An Open Letter
Brian O'Blivion is better than you. And nicer. Now THATS sad!
The following letter is hereby submitted to my dear friend, TheSniperZERO. It is presented on behalf of a cabal of Fark Photoshop elites, who both like and accept me.
Your work is pathetic, Andrew St. Clair.
Dear TheSniperZERO,
Since your glorious return to Fark on July 10th, in the year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster 2007, you have entered a total of nine contests. Nine. In almost two months! That's an entry every 6.66 days! Talk about spamming the threads! Another sentence with an explanation point!
Go back to Something Awful.
Mister ZERO, we all understand that you are brimming with humorous ideas for photoshop contest submissions. That was made clear to us by this hilarious picture. Please give some of us other photoshoppers a chance to weigh in! Man alive, it's like I scroll through any given contest, and every other entry is from TheSniperZERO. Slow down Sniper, you're going to strain your trackball hand.
Fark hates you. You'll get over it.
Of course technically, I don't consider two of your recent entries "new," since one is recycled SA garbage, while another is a retread of a bad concept. Both of them scored well, and since winning is everything it can be argued that nothing is wrong here. Nothing except the fact that you seem to be at a loss for fresh ideas. That, and the fact that you consider this atrocity to be vote-worthy. IMO that's inexcusable for a photoshopper of your experience. Bad on ya! That being said, this image is pretty good. Nice work, TSZ!
Your PS work is as humorous as your blog.
I want to close out the letter by stating that we miss you over here at the Clinic. Ever since Brian O'Blivion pointed out how hopelessly pathetic you appear during our flame wars, your vitriolic bile has been curiously absent from my comment section. You might as well come out and play, Critty Boy. It's not like you have much to lose. Besides, I have ways of making you talk, regardless of your actual participation.
We should hang out this weekend. Doing anything Saturday night?
Your Best Enemy,
The Photoshoptor Doctor
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Stay tuned for more close-minded open letters from the Doctor!

Responding to Your Emails

Heed their Rising Voices
Hai stoopid!
Greetings again, crickets and trolls. A few days ago I set up an email address for you to write to, because I value the opinions of my readers. Hundreds of letters poured in, and believe me, it has taken a long time to go through them all. Over the coming weeks and months, I will try my best to highlight your concerns.
I'm a crazy son of a bitch.
This first letter comes from an anonymous sender that was not me:
You've got no idea what I'm capable of.
Doctor Idiot,
Your blogging incompetence is an inspiration to botched lobotomy patients everywhere. Your ineffective imitation of good posting style only serves to illuminate your lack of substance, good taste, and decency.
If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to drive an ant's Go-cart around the inside of a bottle cap.
You have about as much class as a bucket of mucous lodged on top of a dumpster in a Blue Light district of New Jersey. Maybe you wouldn't come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if your brain cells weren't on the Endangered Species list. Who am I kidding? You would.
Finally, why don't you go and get lost somewhere where they don't have a "found" department?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Why aren't you posting, Critty boy? Too scared?
Wow, sorry you feel that way. Thank the FSM you cared enough to favor us with your opinion through the time honored tradition of the harshly-worded email. Your ideas are well formed, and you have shown great initiative by taking five minutes to vomit out a mindless diatribe for all the world to see. Good for you, anonymous. That being said, don't ever talk that way about Jersey. Those are fighing words with me.
Delete your blog.
This next email was also definitely not written by me:
I will never go away
Dear Person I Hate,
Your "Clinic" is a tedious, homogenised, chameleon-esque scribble which amounts to nothing more than the demented cacophonous racket of a mindless lunatic banging loudly on kitchen pots and pans. Dullard, do yourself and everyone else a favor: disconnect your computer from the Internet.
The Anti-Moron™ software on my PC went crazy when I started to read your blog. You could type every thing you know about photoshopping on back of a microscopic postage stamp and still have room leftover for a shopping list.
Finally, take a look at this map. See this little tiny island, way out in the Gulf of Mexico Ocean? That's where the people who care live.
Sincerely Yours Truly,
Anonymous
Even if you ignore me
Sorry, anonymous. I couldn't get your map attachment to load properly. Try resending it as a .jpg file. I would be interested to know where this Gulf of Mexico Ocean is located. At any rate, thank you for your concern. Your harsh words have shamed me so much that I hereby resolve to stop blogging forever, after 5000 posts. Until then I look forward to receiving further electronic messages from you.
See you in your nightmares!
Stay tuned for more vitriolic bile from the Doctor's critics! And keep those hate emails coming!

Photoshoppers of the Week

The Best and Worst for 9/2-9/8

If I'm ever going to keep pace with Papa Bear over at TFPSTC, I had better step up my game. Therefore, I submit to you the Photoshoppers of the Week, before the week is over. How do ya like being beaten to the punch, Critic?
The Worst
Yodelscream's Greg Brady contest pic makes me want to retch. I am being extremely generous when I say that. I couldn't believe it placed as high as it did. If Drew Curtis would ever respond to my Farkbacks and make my vote worth 100 votes, we wouldn't have crap like this landing in the top ten. It's an insult to us as a community.

This entry by Galactic Drunk is pure crap. Somebody should tell this guy to line the tongue and balls up properly. Frankly, it's not a good concept. I fail to see the humor in it. Why would a giraffe want to lick a squirrel's nuts? They taste terrible. I alerted the moderators about this one, because I don't think trash like this belongs in a Fark contest. like TSZ
The Best
Cherry Sphincter wowed the Fark audience with his winning entry in the Giraffe contest. By using the longest running Fark cliche, Roger Mexico's Wife (whose origins are uncertain) CS was assured a big win.
This stunning entry from TheDiaperHERO was the top vote getter in the Greg Brady contest. Well done, TDH. He received over 600 votes, and a lifetime Ultrafark subscription. Also, Rick Astley came to his house and gave him a reach around while wearing a gorilla costume.
I think what made this picture stand out was the complex interplay of light and shadow. Or Perhaps it was the pretty picture frame. At any rate, during the Post Contest Interview, TheDiaperHERO said that he owed all his success to anally-induced ejaculation. TSZ's Greg Brady was awesome. Well done!
Stay tuned for more fictitious critiques from the Doctor! TSZ, I am your father!

September Surprise

The Search for Hidden Meaning

I have decided to take a cue from Papa Bear over at TFPSTC, and begin including secret messages inside each of my blog postings. I'm not sure how many times he did it, but I know for a fact that he included one in this post from August 22nd, 2007. I felt just like Scooby Doo when I highlighted the text and saw the secret message. Since we can all agree my Clinic is just a pale imitation of TFPSTC, I thought it was about time I started ripping off the Critic's ideas a little more. How else am I to become as well liked on the Internet as his alter ego TheSniperZERO? ROFL
Easter Egg Cunt
As of this hour, I have updated a few of my postings to include "secret" text. Highlight the page by pressing Ctrl-A, and it should be visible to you. What I've done is make the "secret" text the same color as the background. Why did the Critic do this in his blog? I have no idea. Seems pretty dumb to me. But then, I'm not nearly as smart as he is. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Stay tuned for more "secret" messages from the Doctor. Who knows? Maybe I'll reveal my true identity! NO.