The Photoshoptor Spooktor

Happy Halloween!

Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a very special Halloween edition of the Clinic. This is my favorite time of year, next to Christmas, Yom Kippur, my birthday, Kwanzaa, and garbage day. Halloween is a magical holiday, when we dress our kids up as demons and prostitutes. Fun is fun, but we can't forget for even one minute that people want to murder our children. Follow these Halloween Fun Tips to assure yourself a safe and happy celebration.

Halloween Safety Tips

1. Use the Cover of Darkness: Encourage your children to select darkly colored costumes, such as "ninja" of "black ghost." Pedophiles will have a tough time sighting your kids, and will move on to more easily spotted prey.

2. Strength in Numbers: You can avoid having to escort your little hooligans around the neighborhood by appointing the oldest child the "leader." If you only have one kid, let him/her borrow the sharpest kitchen knife or broken bottle you own, for protection.

3. Costume Swap: Dress your kids in layers of costumes, so they can hit up the same houses multiple times. You'll find they bring home a much better haul that way.

4. Vanguard: In this modern age, you just can't trust anyone. Psychos and maniacs are everywhere. Help keep an eye on the neighborhood children by following them around in a van. This will protect them against opportunistic kidnappers.

5. Perform a safety test: Make sure the kiddies bring their treats to you for careful inspection (and ingestion). If a piece of candy looks like it's been tampered with, it's best to have one of your kids try it first. Watch them for a few minutes. Make sure they don't go into convulsions or get a razor blade stuck in their esophagus.

That's all for now, gentle reader. I'm off to crouch in the bushes outside Boner's house. After that, I've got a carton of eggs with TSZ's name on it. Best wishes for a happy Halloween!

Stay tuned for more spooky messages from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Answers

Happy Friday, crickets and trolls. I hope you had a great week. Unless you're one of my many enemies, in which case I hope it sucked.
At any rate, it's time once again for the Friday Q&A. There's no doubt in my mind that your empty heads are filled with questions. Fire away, gentle readers!

Q: Hey! Where's the "Photoshoppers of the Week" feature over at TFPSTC?!

A: I'm sad today, because the Critic hasn't updated his blog with the latest Photoshoppers of the Week. What gives? It's Friday. I've been waiting patiently to see who TSZ is going to shit on. Very disappointing. Hopefully he will read this message, get off his lazy ass and start criticising. Hop to it, Sniper!

Q: Will the Critic extend voting on his Tillman poll again?

A: Good question. You must be channeling the spirit of a non-retarded person. Last week, voting was extended on the 100% unbiased Tillman poll. According to the results, 43 people dislike the Tillmeister's work. That's a pretty big number. One that I'm sure was not manipulated in any way. Shouldn't a lynch mob be forming at this point?

Q: Why does your blog piss people off so much?

A: You'd think they would just ignore me. Then again, maybe they've tried. When Texaco Saves started getting my hate mail, I knew I'd struck gold. I never did anything to give the impression that I'm Texaco. I never even hinted at it. It was just wishful thinking on the part of whoever sent those messages. In a recent comment section, some asshat listed a bunch of Farkers who I "obviously was." How can I be more than one person? Fucking ridiculous.

That's all the questions for now, gentle reader. This week I'll be bringing you another installment of the blog directory. Be sure to check out my frank and honest assessment of TEMBTTOOFPSTC. I hope you join me again next time. Have a great weekend!

Stay tuned for more selective dyslexia form the Doctor!

Blog Directory Part I

A Guide to the Fark Blogweb

Hello there, crickets and trolls. As promised, I am bringing you a handy reference guide to the ever-expanding universe of Fark blogs. As previously stated, a new one is created every fifteen seconds. Thank the FSM that Blogger has such ease of access to the mentally ill.

Picture Clinic VIP
My newest offering to the Fark Blogweb is becoming way more of a hit than I ever expected. It's a troll-free speakeasy, where popular PSers can meet to exchange ideas and conspiracy theories. To avoid undue attention, I've requested all members not to speak about the VIP Clinic in the PSAEF. This week, I've been letting a few of my allies write their own feature posts. I think it adds a level of user interactivity that other blogs fail to deliver.
Overall Grade A++

The Credibility Critic
Apparently a "historical recreation" of the original Credibility Critic's blog. For anyone new to the Fark blogosphere, TCC was one of the first to speak out against the Critic. The original site featured screenshots of deleted comments and other interesting conjecture about TFPSTC's motives. Unfortunately, the original text of TCC was lost in a fire that the Critic denies all knowledge of.
Overall Grade: C

The Anonymous Critique
This mysterious blog appeared recently, but has remained largely inactive. It appears to be written in some sort of bizarre code. There is potential here, but it is largely untapped.
Overall Grade: D+

Classic Fark the Vote
Who among us doesn't pine for the hate poetry of Edward Boner? You don't? Well you should. After all, he changed the way we think about how people with severe head injuries view the Fark community. Maybe we can convince him to write us a few more verses. Why not Boner?
Overall Grade C+

The Sneaker Critique
Go check out Boner's newest blog to see his humorous take on amputees. What a hilarious concept. Unfortunately, this blog is written by Boner, so it suffers from his inability to construct a sentence in the English language. If you're as big a fan of poor writing as I am, you'll definitely want to check this one out.
Overall Grade: F--

TheSniperZERO Critique
My own foray into PS criticism, where I critique the only PSer who truly deserves to have his work shit on, TheSniperZERO. He's never responded in person, but an "anonymous" poster always shows up to defend his lackadaisical image manipulation. Unfortunately, TSZ just isn't prolific enough of a PSer to support a full-time hate blog.
Overall Grade: B-

The Fark Photoshop Thread Critique
The original source of PS antagonism, TFPSTC is a hate blog run by formerly anonymous Farker TheSniperZERO. Many claim he has lost his edge since the unmasking, but I welcome the change in attitude. Maybe if he kisses enough ass, we'll except him back into our good graces. Perhaps even forgive his sock puppetry and hamfisted attempt at silencing dissent. Nah, that'll never happen. Still a good read, though.
Overall Grade: C

TFPSTC Classic
If you're like me, you miss the old look of the TFPSTC. Not too long ago, TSZ changed his name to the Super Happy Fun Critic, abandoning his Palpatine mask. If you get nostalgic for his old grinning visage, just head over to TFPSTC Classic . While you're there, be sure to check out the grammar-corrected posts.
Overall Grade: B-

That's all for this installment, gentle reader. As always, thanks for stopping by. Be sure to join me next time, when I'll be reviewing more Fark blogs. Who knows? Maybe I'll even post a screenshot of TPC:VIP for all you peons to drool over.

Stay tuned for more snotty elitism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Actions

Greetings, crickets and trolls. It's time once again for the the Friday Q&A. This week I've received tons of email from alert readers. I only wish there was enough time to address each of your concerns. Let's begin, shall we?

Q: Is TFPSTC done picking on Tillman, yet?

A: I doubt it. I used to think the Critic personally hated Tillmeister, but now I'm starting to think it's because he represents something the Critic can't stand: people who don't listen to his advice. We all know of TSZ's "strategy" for winning PS contests. Tillman blatantly ignores every tenet of that system. Also, he apparently doesn't read TFPSTC (like most people) so there's no chance of him wandering in to defend himself. Everyone knows it's easier to hit someone with their back turned.

Q: Did you add some new links to your "Site Friends" section?

A: How astute of you to notice. Your three brain cells must be working overtime. Yes there are some new links for you to peruse. As you know, a new Fark blog is created every 15 seconds, and it's my goal to catalog as many of them as possible. Look for a "blog directory" post in the near future. In addition to the incomparable Picture Clinic: VIP, you can also check out a reconstruction of the Credibility Critic and Texaco Saves' new photography blog. Boner has also been hard at work, rebadging his lackluster homeless critique into a stump-slappingly hilarious mockery of amputees. Way to go Boner! Can't wait to see what you've got planned for your next move.

Q: How do I become worthy enough to join the Picture Clinic: VIP?

A: We're always accepting applications. My best advice is to not be a dick. As of yet, most of the well-known PSers and hangers-on of Fark have joined up. Who knows? Maybe you'll check your email today and find an invitation. Go look now. It's OK, I can just wait here.

Well, that's all for today, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for taking time to visit my blog. Before I go, I want to apologize to my good friend olapbill for screwing up his invite to TPC:VIP. Sorry, Bill. There must have been a malfunction in the Series of Tubes. I'll see if I can't debug the problem and get back to you. Have a great weekend, gang!

Stay tuned for more pleasantries from the Doctor!

Special Tuesday Edition

Preemptive Apology of the Week

Greetings, crickets and trolls. As you all know, I get accused of being a different Farker every week. First it was prufrock2, back in the first days of the Clinic. Then, people thought I was Texaco Saves for some reason. That claim was preposterous, of course, as Texaco and I have been photographed together many times. I think at some point I was accused of being Heamer, too.

None of these photoshoppers deserve to get their names dragged through the mud. They're all good people, and certainly not assholes. That pretty much guarantees they aren't me, right? At any rate, I was wondering who would get accused next.

Tillman of the Hour

The snarky comments have been pouring in ever since my post mentioning Tillman. I guess it's my own fault for defending one of TheSniperZERO's perennial targets. For the record, I don't really care who TSZ chooses to smear. We all know the true motivation behind TFPSTC. What pissed me off was the laughably biased poll he ran:

So far, "forgettable" has the most votes. If he was truly forgettable, wouldn't you be able to shut up about him? How many people voted for "what's a Tillman", anyway? He's hardly forgettable. IMO, he's one of the most recognizable Farkers. Certainly the most talked about. He's also not a jackass, unlike some people I know.

Here's some friendly advice for the PS haters: If you don't like someone's work, try putting that person on ignore instead of bitching about it. Better yet, put everyone on ignore. Then there's no chance of you scratching your fragile corneas some jagged pixels.

Of course, now all the idiot trolls that reside in my comment section think I'm Tillman. It's only a matter of time before he starts getting hate letters (like what happened to Texaco), so I figure I should just apologize in advance. Save myself some time. Sorry Tillman. You're a good person, and you don't deserve to be attacked by some arrogant pixel-snobs. Now you get to join the illustrious ranks of the falsely accused.

Special Note: Picture Clinic VIP

By now most of the popular Farkers have RSVPed their invitations to join my exciting new blog, the Picture Clinic VIP. This premium edition of the Clinic provides exclusive content not available on the main page. We've been benefiting from a troll-free atmosphere, and the discussions have really been invigorating. Thanks to everyone who's helped make it possible.

Just because TPC:VIP is exclusive doesn't mean that I discriminate. If you're a loud jackass (hello, TSZ) and simply must be heard, you can access the blog by paying me a nominal fee of five dollars per month. It's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Stay tuned for more opportunistic capitalism from the Doctor!

Poetry Coroner II

Boner of a Lonely Heart

Hello there, crickets and trolls. It's a lovely day for a poetry critique, wouldn't you say? Boner has left me such a wonderful collection of verses. I'm so glad I saved them from the fire at the original Fark the Vote. Say what you want about old Boner, but his poetry is definitely on message. Overall, I'd have to say he doesn't seem to like me very much. I wonder why that is? Surely it isn't because I can pick apart every imbecilic argument he makes, even if HE WRITES IN ALL CAPS? We may never know, because Boner is perpetually silent. He's like the Calvin Coolidge (Silent Cal, as they liked to call him) of hate blogging.

Today's feature is a lovely untitled gem that I like to call Peace of the Manatees.

Peace of the Manatees
by Edward Boner
You call it your burden. You draw attention to your plight.
You whine and you moan, but make sure you're in sight.
When the pale horse comes
When the death rattle hums
There'll be none of you left, and to me that would be all right.
It was all just a show. You wore the costume of the clown.
You prayed they wouldn't find out. That your facade wasn't torn down.
It would crush your pathetic life, but maybe what you need is a little strife.
Something to bring you back down to earth, and smash your porcelain mask upon the ground!

Bleah, what a stinker! Well, at least Boner took my advice on poetic structure to heart. Unfortunately, he takes it to the opposite extreme. Unlike his earlier works, which suffer from a complete lack of structure, this poem is far too rigidly constructed. You get the sense that he worked pretty hard at not only rhyming it, but also matching up the length of the sentences. Unfortunately, these actions severely limit his ability to make sense. Throughout POTM, he seems to have no concept of poetic flow.

I love his creative use of imagery. For example, the line about "when the death rattle hums" really makes the poem. Odd, I've never heard of a person's death rattle sounding like a hum. I thought it was supposed to be more of a "rattle" sound. "Hey, Grandma's dying! Have her do Camptown Races!" I also like the "pale horse" bit. He probably wrote that line first, then built the poem around it. Classic amateur move, Boner. "When the pale horse comes?" Are the Four Horsemen going to get Totalfark accounts? I don't even want to know what Death's username would be. I'm damn sure it isn't TheSniperZERO, though.

Stay tuned for more damned sureness from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Motives

Hello there, crickets and trolls. It's time for the Friday Q&A. In this feature, my readers have a chance to seek enlightenment through the time-honored tradition of the Socratic Method. As a doctor, it is my sacred duty to heal the wounds of ignorance and mend the bones of knowledge. Ask away, gentle reader.
And bend the mind of Boner.
Q: Why does the Critic hate Tillman so much?
secret idenity clue: 8/15/07 posting
A: I have no idea. I just got done reading a scathing review of the old Tillmeister, over at TFPSTC. Looks like he made the Worst Photoshopper of the Week for the nine billionth time. The Critic should just rename that feature the Worst Tillman of the Week and be done with it. Why even bother to critique the rest?
The Critic is gay for Tillman.
Q: Did you see Boner's new Blogger avatar?

A: Oh yeah. And would you believe, he's a lot prettier than I expected? I know hate blogging isn't supposed to be a fashion show, but he's got me and the frumpy old Critic beaten hands down. Not much of a contest, really.

Q: What happened to Fark the Vote?

A: It assploded. Apparently Boner has decided to re-purpose his blog as a hilarious critique of the homeless. And why not? Nothing's funnier than going hungry while you die of hepatitis in the gutter. True comedy gold. But don't despair, poetry fans. His wit and wisdom are still available at Classic Fark The Vote.

That's all for today, gentle reader. As you all know, I like to close out the Q & A posts by taunting my good friend Boner. Ha ha ha. Why did you delete Fark the Vote? Don't you care about the Liters? The Totalfark "elite" laughs derisively at your piteous and misguided attempt to subvert our "hierarchy." Now go lay in the gutter so I can critique you.

I win again
Stay tuned for more taunting features and featureless taunts from the Doctor!

Poetry Coroner

Post Moron Depression

Happy Monday, crickets and trolls. I'm trying out a new feature here at the Clinic. Since my good buddy Boner has left behind such a wealth of hateful verses, why not critique a few? Today's masterpiece is called Post Mortem Depression, and it appeared on the second version of Fark the Vote.
you there Boner?
Post Mortem Depression
by Edward Boner
Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum
Your multiple accounts are so much fun.
You whore and you troll in your quest for more votes.
It's a symphony of disgust, hitting all the sour notes.
I'd be a liar if I said that you all lacked great skill,
but you've fed me so much bullshit, I've had quite my fill.
The new sheep to your flock, are as pretentious as ever.
Unshopped images abound, those are really quite clever.
Where's Aarkieboy to show you all the errors of your ways.
Where's the humor and the skill that once filled our yesterdays.
A wasteland's all that's left upon the contest pages.
The losers have taken over, the bickering still rages.
There's nothing exquicite about this corpse, it's merely beginning to rot.
And the votes and participation will continue to die, whether you like it or not.
your poetry is a joke.
Glad that's over. Post moron depression is more like it. This puppy is ten pounds of suck in a five pound bag. I love how Boner kicks it off with a non-rhyme. "Dum" and "fun"? It just doesn't work. I'm not being a dick here, either. Any teacher on Earth (even a science teacher) would tell you that this poem has no structure. Writing in verse is more complex than just rhyming the last words of some bile-drenched sentences. It takes a measure of wit and sophistication.

Boner must realize he's putting out a pretty limp-wristed effort, because about 3/4 of the way through it he drops Aarkieboy's name in there. Pretty lame, Boner. I met George Clooney once, and he said anyone who does that is an asshole. However, if you insist on dragging even more Farkers into this clusterfuck, perhaps you should check out this quote from Aarkieboy's profile:
go fuck yourself.
People who have no sense of humor chap my ass...Rule #62: Don't take yourself (or anything for that matter) too damn serious.

I couldn't agree more. It should be followed immediately by:

Rule #63: If you're a humorless dick, don't assume that everyone else is, too.

Some of us like to laugh. If you're having trouble getting the joke, turn off the magic porno-box and fix yourself a nice warm glass of STFU. We don't give two shits about what you think of Fark. Fuck you and the trite literary cliche you rode in on.

This poem sounds as though it were subcontracted out to a 14 year-old emo douchebag. It certainly wasn't written by anyone intelligent enough to spell exquisite correctly. But then, we're dealing with a guy who thought posting contest pictures on a blog read by no one would make a difference, so we already know Boner's pretty dumb. I just can't believe he's too scared to comment here at the Clinic. Keep in mind that he has pledged not "...to correspond or go back and forth with anyone trying to start some pathetic feud..." so don't expect a brilliantly composed rebuttal. Just remember, Boner: you might not think you started this feud, but if you show up on my property, Richard Dawson will tear you limb-from-limb.

Stay tuned for more poetic deconstructions by the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

It Burns When I GIS
Boner deleted his blog again. LOL...
Welcome back, crickets and trolls. I hope everyone is doing well today. I want to let the Critic know that I'm sorry he got passed up for promotion at the The Grace L. Ferguson Airline (and Shark Fin Canning Plant). That sucks, buddy. You're always welcome to come work with me at Hasenfeffer Incorporated.
Generally speaking, it was an exciting week at Fark. I'm sure you have a lot of questions for me. Fire away, gentle reader.
this never ever gets old.
Q: How pissed off are you, and why?

A: I'm madder than a trite literary cliche in heat about the goings-on at Fark this week. The hilarious Sin contest series set back my faith in Farklite PSers a long way, with all their GISing and trolling comments. Honestly, I used to see promise in their work. Now when I see good Liter shopping, I'm automatically suspicious that it was stolen from someone else. Everyone wants to take the easy way out. Why waste time PSing when you can just post someone else's picture? Son of a bitch!

Q: Full Metal Alchemist...

A: ARRGHHHH!!!! I fucking hate that show. Stupid bunch of anime garbage, IMO. Unfortunately, it seems to have a fairly large Fark following. In every one of the Sin threads, a bunch of jackasses posted FMA screencaps. That's what the two pics of the same anime chick that I mentioned in the previous post were referencing. Since they were mostly "no shop, no vote" entries they largely got deleted. That must have stuck in thelunatick's craw, because he posted this in the Envy contest:



Then he captions it "actual shop so mods won't delete." That pisses me off more, because it comes across like he's trying to circumvent the posting rules. He and about five others were posting lousy screencaps all week. This pic from Gluttony still stands, I believe.



I just don't understand why this symbolizes gluttony. Because it's a fat guy? And why would any of the seven deadly sins tie in with a show about the heretical practice of alchemy? It doesn't make sense.
I am not Texaco Saves. Are we still doing that?
Q: How stupid is alchemy?

A: Alchemy, the medieval practice of trying to turn lead into gold, is a pretty dumb idea. Gold isn't valuable because it's such a great metal. It's valuable because it's rare. If you go and make a bunch of gold, you just serve to drive down the price for that commodity. Starting with lead is a dumb choice, anyway. That element is like the D student of the periodic table.

Q: You're such a fucking attention whore!

A: OK, that wasn't really a question, but since you brought it up, I'd like to offer definitive proof that I'm not an AW.

Go look for this image in the train thread. You won't see it, because this shop was never posted. In fact, I never even intended for it to be a part of the train. We all know I have an alt account that I could have posted it under. And yet I didn't. There is, in fact, no need to. Though it would have been fun to defend against the sure-to-ensue barrage of identity accusations. Maybe next time.

secret idenity scramble: eyfhshufsghs

That's all for today, gentle reader. Before I close out the post, I'd like to take some time to personally taunt the blogger known as "Edward Boner." Hahahaha, you are stupid. Please write some more bad poetry and then delete it.

I win again

Stay tuned for more regularly occurring features and taunts from the Doctor!