Happy Halloween!
Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a very special Halloween edition of the Clinic. This is my favorite time of year, next to Christmas, Yom Kippur, my birthday, Kwanzaa, and garbage day. Halloween is a magical holiday, when we dress our kids up as demons and prostitutes. Fun is fun, but we can't forget for even one minute that people want to murder our children. Follow these Halloween Fun Tips to assure yourself a safe and happy celebration.
Halloween Safety Tips
1. Use the Cover of Darkness: Encourage your children to select darkly colored costumes, such as "ninja" of "black ghost." Pedophiles will have a tough time sighting your kids, and will move on to more easily spotted prey.
2. Strength in Numbers: You can avoid having to escort your little hooligans around the neighborhood by appointing the oldest child the "leader." If you only have one kid, let him/her borrow the sharpest kitchen knife or broken bottle you own, for protection.
3. Costume Swap: Dress your kids in layers of costumes, so they can hit up the same houses multiple times. You'll find they bring home a much better haul that way.
4. Vanguard: In this modern age, you just can't trust anyone. Psychos and maniacs are everywhere. Help keep an eye on the neighborhood children by following them around in a van. This will protect them against opportunistic kidnappers.
5. Perform a safety test: Make sure the kiddies bring their treats to you for careful inspection (and ingestion). If a piece of candy looks like it's been tampered with, it's best to have one of your kids try it first. Watch them for a few minutes. Make sure they don't go into convulsions or get a razor blade stuck in their esophagus.
That's all for now, gentle reader. I'm off to crouch in the bushes outside Boner's house. After that, I've got a carton of eggs with TSZ's name on it. Best wishes for a happy Halloween!
Stay tuned for more spooky messages from the Doctor!
8 comments:
This is the best blog ever.
That's not saying much, but thanks for your support!
those are awsome suggestions. i will definately have to try these with my kids next year. hell, i might even try them in april.
Thank you. I think it's everyone's responsibility to preserve the vanishing holiday of Halloween. Every year the Christmas crap gets put out earlier and earlier.
Love the new picture maker, Doc.
I drawed something.
Beautiful! I'll hang it on my refridgerator.
Of course, that's just a micronized version of the full-sized Picture Maker featured at TPC:VIP.
don't get me going on the VIP, doc.
I find it hard enough to shop thru the tears....
Sorry about that, Bill. I'm working to debug the problem. Unfortunately, the Asylum only lets me send 200 outgoing messages a day. After my daily blast to Wayne Newton, there isn't much left over. Don't worry, I'll get to you.
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