Friday Q&A

Questionable Intelligence

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the Friday Q&A, your favorite recurring feature. It's been an exciting week, with TSZ's attempted sock puppetry and Boner's paranoid ramblings. Maybe I just noticed it more, since Fark has been unreliable at best. At least we have a snazzy new user page to play with. Clearly a lot of hard work has gone into its construction. Let me be the first to say I hate it. Change it back! Change it back! I'm kidding, of course. Let's get to the questions.

Q: Have you talked to TheSniperZERO lately?

A: You mean besides his hamfisted attempt at socking HellYeahHokie? Why yes, I have. The new page was only up for a few hours before TSZ found his way into the chatroom. Anyone want to guess how he greeted me?


What a delightful exchange. It really makes me feel bad about "ruining his life" with my blogs. Though honestly, I can't figure out how something like that is even possible. If TheSniperZERO defines so much of his self worth from his Internet personae, then why doesn't he make even the slightest attempt at being diplomatic? Take our dynamic, for example. If someone had a hate blog about you, wouldn't you at least try to reason with them? Not TSZ. It makes me happy that he doesn't bother. Knowing him as I do, there's no reason to believe any apology offered by that asshat is worth its weight in dog shit.

Q: So are we going to start seeing a bunch of sock puppets again?

A: Thankfully, no. Blogger has finally fixed the ridiculous security flaw that allowed anonymous users to mimic blogger accounts by cut/pasting the URL from the victim's profile. This trick was used in the past by TheSniperZERO to impersonate not only HellYeahHokie, but also And-1 and Ban_Sidhe. And me. Probably a bunch of others, too. Thank you to whomever alerted the Blogger team about this issue.

Q: Will you tell us who Boner is?

A: What, and break my favorite toy? I have to think about the future. TSZ isn't always going to be around. He'll probably lose control and spiral into oblivion. So I need Boner, to keep this hate train on the tracks. Right now, he's offering a fabulous prize for the full disclosure of his identity. It's mighty tempting, but there's not a chance in hell. If I release Boner's dossier to the public, I run the risk of igniting a powder keg in the forum. It would be TSZgate all over again. I'm afraid I can't be responsible for something like that. Besides, I'm getting much more of a kick from guessing at which of my VIP members will crack first, spilling the juicy info. Only time will tell, I suppose. Meanwhile, I encourage Boner to churn out as many poems as possible.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I want to take some time here at the end to personally taunt Boner for being such a hateful misanthrope. That was classy of you to spout out bile towards a bunch of well-meaning people, none of whom have ever given you cause for such a ridiculous outburst. I'm glad you have a problem with everyone. After all, we've formed such a strong alliance against you. That was sarcasm, BTW. You might want to take notes. After you look up the definition of "misanthrope," of course.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the Doctor!

Talk Dirty to Me

Introducing: Clinic Chat

Greetings, Crickets and trolls. As my frequent readers know, I've been taunting you with promises of an exciting new Clinic feature for some time now. No doubt you've been racking your brains to decipher what it could be, and for that I truly apologize. We have enough problems in the blogosphere, with all of TSZ's asshattery and Boner's whining.

Until now, we have been scuttling back and forth, leaving comments on each other's blogs. As you well know, it can sometimes take up to twenty minutes for me to respond to your pathetic attempts at trolling. Then I have to wait for your boss to go to the shitter before you can formulate a comeback. How tedious. Surely there must be a better way!

Well, now there is. Starting today, you can insult me in real time! Just head on over to the Clinic Chat. Once there, you can call me pathetic, a waste of time, or even a pathetic waste of time. It's all up to you. I think it gives the Clinic a measure of interactivity that isn't found anywhere else.

What are you waiting for? I'll be standing by to take your questions/comments/insults. Unless you're Boner. We all know he's too much of a bitch to confront someone directly.

Stay tuned for more interactive features from the Doctor!

Farkout

What to do during a Fark Outage

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Fark has been having some major problems lately, and I feel sorry for those of you who don't have a petty Internet feud and longstanding rivalry to fall back on. I also feel sorry for anyone whose contest goes live during one of these blackout periods. You guys are fucked. Feel free to register your dismay amongst the "who cares?" and "fuck you!" masses of Totalfark Discussion. Or send some crudely-phrased Farkbacks.

Meanwhile, I have compiled a handy list of activities for you to busy yourselves with during the next outage.

1. Go somewhere else. Believe it or not, Fark isn't the only site on the Internet. Just the only one that matters.
2. Write your congressman. Better not spill any flour on the envelope.
3. Find someone you don't like and start a protracted blog war. Don't forget to be petty!
4. Send threatening letters to Drew. Signed, TheSniperZERO.
5. Get over it. You will.

That's all for now, gentle reader. I hope this list serves you well. These days, you never know when a Fark outage will strike. Since management is too busy fucking with the "preview" button, I doubt they will offer much of an apology for service interruptions. That would be like asking TheSniperZERO to apologize to the people he dumped on and insulted. A nice idea, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen. Unless you're Boner.

Stay tuned for more laughable demands from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Sanity

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I hope everyone had a great holiday. Welcome to yet another edition of the Friday Q&A. Let's get to the questions. I have some leftover turkey calling my name from the refrigerator.

Q: Did Boner delete Fark the Vote?

A: Your family must have slipped some smart pills into the gravy this year, because you're much more alert than normal. Boner has cleaned out Fark the Vote again, leaving only a blank page in its place. Don't worry, kids. I'm sure he'll have some new insipid poetry for us to read in no time. Meanwhile, go check out some of his most recent work at Bonertown, USA.

Q: Why are there always three questions in the Friday Q&A?

A: Three is a very powerful number. Think about it. There have been three presidents since the 40th President of the United States. There are three pyramids in Egypt. President Garfield was assassinated on the third day of the month. TSZ has three nipples. Do I even need to mention Three Mile Island?

Q: Why hasn't anyone signed the petition for the return of TFPSTC?

A: I don't know. Didn't something like 200 people vote in the first Critic poll? You'd think he would have some supporters. Don't you people want to be judged? What happened to his goon squad? Surely all those anonymous trolls from his comment sections miss their master.

That's all for now, gentle reader. I want to close this post by saying that Boner is a pathetic waste of life. Fuck you, Boner. Go write some more crappy emo poems and cut yourself, shithead.

Stay tuned for more italicized words from the Doctor!

Special Thanksgiving Edition 2007

Happy Spanksgiving!

Greetings, turkeys and rolls. Welcome the the first annual Thanksgiving edition of the Clinic. This is the time of year when patriotic Americans show thanks to the people who make their lives better. My international readers can disregard this post. Go sweep the dirt floor of your hut, or squat by the fire and eat some bugs.

Think of all the things that make this time of year so magical. Singing Thanksgiving carols on a cold autumn night. Watching the children hang giblet bags from the mantelpiece in eager anticipation of a visit from Tom the Turkey, who scurries down the chimney to leave presents in the oven. Yes, this is truly a wonderful season.

Giving Thanks

• Thank you, TheSniperZERO, for coming back to Fark this summer. You've made the last few months a blast. Everyone loves being judged by a condescending jerk.
  
• Thanks again to TheSniperZERO for leaving us this fall. It turns out we got sick of your shit pretty fast. Go figure.
  
• Thanks to all the fucktards who claimed Fark PSers have no skill/aren't funny. I really needed a good laugh.
  
• Thanks for Internet porn. Obligatory.
  
• Thanks to Blogger, for creating such a wonderland of bickering and deceit. I don't know how I lived without it.
  
• Thanks to everyone who has ever trolled my comment sections. Pwning you is my favorite sport. Don't worry. One of these days you might actually think of a good comeback. Perhaps when hell freezes over.
  
• Thanks for America, with its purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain. This portion of the post completes my community service.
  
• Thanks to all my readers. You know who you are.
  
• Thanks to Boner for being an incompetent douchebag with no social skills or redeeming character. And for introducing me to his mom.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I've got a turkey to carve. Go check out the new article over at TheSniperZERO Critique. Be sure to witness the anonymous comment posted by TSZ, where he refers to himself in the third person and accuses me of being Texaco Saves. I'm sure nobody saw that one coming.

Stay tuned for more holiday greetings from the Doctor!

Picture Clinic: The Movie

Cliché Slaughterhouse

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the world premiere of Picture Clinic: The Movie. It contains strong violence and mature situations, so please don't bitch to me that it gave your kids nightmares. Just give them some whiskey or something. That's how I fend off my recurring dream that TheSniperZERO is chasing me down a darkened hallway with an industrial vacuum cleaner.

Stay tuned for more recurring nightmares from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reactions

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I hope everyone is doing great. This week, I'm answering some tough questions. Let's get started before Boner writes another poem.
Boner's IP: 63.117.228.138
Q: Why is the Friday Q&A on Friday?
OrgName: Webster Bank
A: That's actually a good question. Did you get a smart person to write it for you? The answer is because Friday was the only day that rhymed with Q&A. "Thursday Q&A" just doesn't sound right.
OrgID: C00999846
Q: This blog is a waste of time.
Address: 10 Main Street, Bristol CT 06010
A: First of all, that isn't a question. Secondly, I love how the Internet has turned every jackass on Earth into an efficiency expert. Sorry, but I won't take notes on how to spend my time from someone who trolls a parody blog. Maybe we're all on the web too much. Let's turn off our computers and go outside. We can hug puppies and baby dolphins!

Q: Is there anything we can do to bring back TFPSTC?

A: There sure is. Click here to sign my petition for the return of TFPSTC. Together we can make a difference. We will stand side by side and let our voices be heard. Except for me. I'm not signing it. Good riddance, I say.

That's all the questions for now, gentle reader. Stay tuned for the unveiling of an exciting new feature here at the Clinic. You won't want to miss it. In the meantime, be sure to taunt our good friend Boner about being such a hopeless prick faced jizz-drinking fucktard.

Stay tuned for more unquestionable truth from the Doctor!

Blog Directory Part III

Blogged Down

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another installment of the Blog Directory. I had originally planned to get this done in two posts, but a half dozen new Fark blogs have popped up in the last couple of weeks. I thought I was halfway done, but now it looks like I've barely scratched the surface. Let's get started shall we? I'm afraid if we stand still too long we're going to start taking on more blogs.

The Clinic Arcade
The newest wing of the Picture Clinic, the Arcade is your source for all the hottest flash games on the net. As fun as it is, I have to say that it wouldn't exist without the VIP Clinic. Would you believe I thought making it public was a bad idea? Thankfully I can rely on the sound judgement on my compatriots. They'll always steer me on the right path.
Overall Grade A++

Fark the Vote
WTF happened to Brian Winchester? Boner has reverted his blog back to the classic Fark the Vote format of bad poetry and impotent angst (the worst angst of all). His new stuff just doesn't sparkle like it should. I'm afraid I can't award him a perfect score, as much as I'd like to. Sorry, Boner. You need to put some mustard on it. I'm afraid you come off sounding a bit like a whiny 15 year-old emo douchebag.
Overall Grade: C

The Photoshoptor Socktor
Hate blog memories light the corners of my mind. Back in the first days of the Clinic, a blogger known as the Opinionator (aka: Information Desk) took offense at the existence of my blog. What first started as snarky prodding to disclose my Fark alter-ego culminated in a crude impersonation of the Clinic itself. What did he accomplish, other than showing us how easy it is to impersonate your enemies on Blogger? Nothing. That's why I'm giving him the lowest score possible.
Overall Grade: F-:(:(---

AVG's Attic
This blog is written by the incomparable Abe Vigoda's Ghost, and it's one of my personal favorites. IMO every Fark PSer should have a blog. We're a fucked up bunch, and I like seeing what each of us does with the Blogger platform. I just wish AVG would update his page more. That's the only thing that keeps it from getting a perfect score.
Overall Grade A-

TheSniperZERO Photoshop Blog
Does anyone remember when TSZ was a PSer? Back in the halcyon days of 2004, our good friend had a blog where he didn't even insult anyone's photoshop work. Weird, right? That's what I thought, anyway. If you peruse his posts from back then, you can see the seed of bitterness start to grow. In a way, all of this, even my blog, started right there. For that reason, I have to award him the highest score possible.
Overall Grade A++:):):)&++#1

That's all for this installment, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Be sure to join me tomorrow for the Friday Q & A. I'll be answering some tough questions, and questioning some tough answers. You won't want to miss it.

Stay tuned for more jokes about Boner's mom from the Doctor!

Hello Again, PSAEF!

PSHEYEF

I saw that Fark_the_poor! linked me in the PSAEF. Hello again to everyone. Hope you're all doing well today. And no, I don't have a problem with Fark, PS contests, or PSers. Ok, I have to go finish working on my Blog Directory post.

Stay tuned for more brief messages from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Integrity

Hello once again, crickets and trolls. It's Friday, which means it's time for your favorite feature, the Friday Q&A. What a week it's been! I hope everyone is doing great. I know I don't say this enough, but I love each and every one of you with all my heart. Unless you don't like me, in which case you can go fuck yourself in hell. At any rate, it's time for some questions.
Boner has a tiny penis
Q: Do you have any news on TheSniperZERO's whereabouts?

A: As a matter of fact I do, you bloated sack of shit. I'm sorry, that came out wrong. It's just that I'm a little emotional today. You see, there was a horrible tragedy during TSZ's alpine mountaineering expedition. His rope snapped during the treacherous assent to the summit, and the poor bastard plummeted three thousand feet. Thankfully, some sharp rocks broke his fall. I'm sure he'll make a speedy recovery, just as soon as we get his internal organs back on the inside of his body. Lucky for him, he knows a damn good doctor.

Q: What's the deal with Boner?

A: You have to respect Boner, because he plays by his own rules. Rule #1, apparently, is to post crappy MSpaint manipulations of the upcoming contest pics. I'm not really sure why he does this. He isn't helping the Liters any more, because they don't get a clean copy of the O, and he certainly isn't bringing down the Totalfark "elite."


So much for the Messiah. What he could really use is some instruction on the fine art of MSPainting. Look for some upcoming tutorials on that subject, Boner. And don't worry, you'll get better. You are, after all, a magic man. Try, try, try to understand.
worst song ever
Q: Why haven't some people gotten their VIP invitations yet?

A: Sorry about that. The fact is, we've had some serious VIP verification problems, most notably with my old pal Olapbill. Blogger is a piece of crap. You can be sure I've contacted their tech support about this matter. Don't worry, I won't let anyone who isn't a douchetard get left out of the VIP fun and games. Speaking of which, I've added a few new games to the arcade. Look for some more tonight.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I've off to work on the Clinic's newest feature, whose scheduled unveiling will occur shortly. In the meantime, keep watching for another installment of the Blog Directory. I know I was supposed to write it this week, but I've been very busy stitching the Critic back together. Remember, a stitch in time saves nine, so nine stitches in time should save 81.

Stay tuned for more third grade math from the Doctor!

Tuesday Night Update

Insert Coin

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I hope everyone is doing well this week. Still no word from TheSniperZERO. I'm beginning to think he doesn't love me any more. Life goes on, I suppose. We'll miss ya, Snipey. After much debate over at TPC:VIP, we've decided to open our most popular section to the public. Starting today, you can find all our great games over at the Clinic Arcade. It's a nice diversion from endless hate blogging and Internet one-upsmanship. Try and beat my high scores. Unless you're too much of a coward.
BWAK BWAK BWAK!!! LOL
I've also brought a new game over to the Clinic's main page. Of course, Mini Putt is still available at the Arcade. If you think you can beat my high score of eight under par, take your best shot.

Stay tuned for more challenges from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Features

Hello there, crickets and trolls. What a week it's been! Hope everyone's doing great. Except for my many enemies, who can eat shit in Hell. Since I'm apparently the only blogger who can keep a regular feature going, why don't we jump right into the Q&A?

Q: Do you have something to show us?

A: Why yes, I do. And unlike your "uncle" who lives in the park, it isn't a penis. This week, we had a friendly competition over at TPC:VIP . The challenge was to draw our good friend Boner's world using only the Picture Maker. I was really impressed with the outcome. As promised, I am displaying the top two vote-getters here in the Friday Q&A. This first one comes to us from (NAME WITHHELD). It's NSFW, so if you're at work you shouldn't view this page.

This is apparently an artist's rendition of Boner's mom. Yowza, she's a hottie! Boner, can I hang out at your house tonight? Speaking of which, this next image depicts Boner's sprawling and palatial estate.

Drawn by (NAME WITHHELD), it's the only B&W entry that got any votes. Good job, (NAME WITHHELD)! I hope to see more great stuff from you in future VIP contests.

Q: Did you install a new game?

A: Wow, your cognitive recognition is quite astute. Yes, Mini Putt was voted the most popular game in TPC:VIP's Fun and also Games section. As the winner, it gets to hang out here at the Picture Clinic Lite for a while. I'm happy, because it gives me one more thing pwn you at. Eight under par, bitches. First fucking try. How do like those particular apples?

Q: Why hasn't TSZ updated his blog?

A: I can understand your concern. Don't worry, the Critic hasn't given up on us. It turns out he's been on a mountaineering expedition and has been unable to get a decent Wi-Fi signal. He left me a spare set of keys to TFPSTC . I'm supposed to feed his cats at some point.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I hope you have a good weekend. Join me next time for another edition of the Blog Directory. We'll be taking a look at The Photoshoptor Socktor, as well as any other blogs that pop up in the meantime. Until then, keep hope alive. And let faith die in the gutter.

Stay tuned for more featured insanity from the Doctor!

Blog Directory Part II

TSZ Come Home!

Greetings again, crickets and trolls. As promised, here's the next installment of my guide to the wonderful world of Fark blogging. We're going to start by taking another look at a previous review. Last night I got a phone call from a very intoxicated TheSniperZERO, during which he begged me to reconsider my C rating of TFPSTC. Okay, Papa Bear. No sweat. Maybe I was a tad harsh in my original assessment. Here's my second take on the Critique, along with the rundown on a few other exciting blog destinations.

The Fark Photoshop Thread Critique
If there's one thing I can say about the Critic, it's that he makes a lot of good points. It's just unfortunate that he chooses to express himself through the time-honored tradition of being a jerk. However, if there's one thing I've noticed about TSZ's blog, it's that people bitch regardless of what he does. If he acts nice, people complain. If he gets mean, people complain. You really have to give him credit for straddling two extremes. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't note that many prominent PSers have praised the Critic for instilling them with a drive for self-improvement. It's for those reasons I have decided TFPSTC deserves a much higher rating.
Overall Grade: A

The Stupid Blog
Definitely the best written Fark Blog to date. The careful page construction and finely-crafted prose is unequaled in the community. Its anonymous author has really outdone himself. A must read!
Overall Grade: A+

The Brian Winchester Love Resource
Boner's been hard (get it?) at work this week. His lackluster Sneaker Critique has once again been rebadged as The Brian Winchester Love Resource. Truly, our friend Boner is the chameleon of the blogosphere. In this week's incarnation, he gives us some insight into his love life. A bit too much information, perhaps, but enthralling nonetheless. Boner's newest offering is his best by far. I like blogs that provide a useful service, instead of just spewing random hatred. Wayne Newton must die!
Overall Grade: B+

Scars and Stripes
Guess I should review this page by Texaco Saves next. Poor Texaco. For some reason, people often get us confused. I have no idea why. Perhaps his critics are sleep-deprived from hanging out at my blog all night. At any rate, I enjoy viewing his pictures. I wish I could comment on them, but I'm afraid it would invite a torrent of "Hi Texaco!" responses from the trolls. I don't think my fragile ego could take such an onslaught. At any rate, good job, TS.
Overall Grade: A-

Brian O'Blivion Exposé
I can't actually review this blog since I'm not on the guest list, but I've often wondered about its true nature. Is BO'BE the result of an angry PSer's vendetta against internationally renowned image mangler Brian O'Blivion? Are revelations about his shadowy past being exposed to the light of day? I guess I'll never know. If you ever get in, tell me how it is. Until such a time, I'm giving it a low score. Deal with it, pricks.
Overall Grade: F--

The Even More Better Than The Other One Fark Photoshop Thread Critique
As Fark blogs go, this one is practically prehistoric. Created during the original Blog Wars (Episode I: The Phantom Jackass), TEMBTTOOFPTC is still one of the most amusing examples of Critic parody on the Fark Blogweb. The only thing that keeps it from earning a high score is the reluctance of its enigmatic author to continue posting. In case you're out there, it's my duty to inform you that you're dangerously close to having a "life". Well, whatever floats your boat.
Overall Grade: A+

That's all for this installment. Thanks for joining me, gentle reader. I'll be bringing you another Blog Directory installment in a few days. By then, we should have a nice crop of new ones to enjoy. Remember my motto: "every blog has its day."

Stay tuned for more terrible puns from the Doctor!