Friday Q&A

Questionable Construction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to the Friday Q&A, the only regularly occurring question and answer feature on the Internet. It's time once again for me to shed some light on the mysteries of Fark PS. Shall we get started?

Q: Why has it been so quiet here lately?

A: First of all, my apologies. I realize that as the last surviving Fark blogger (Boner doesn't count) I have a duty to my readers. If I don't deliver, nobody wins. Please forgive me for this lapse in posting over the last few weeks. My operatives and I have been extremely busy with the construction of an all new feature for the Picture Clinic. Here's a preview image to whet your appetite.


Q: Can you tell us more about this project?

A: Information will be given out on a need-to-know basis. I wish I could tell you about it now, but unfortunately this great new feature isn't finished yet. Obviously, I only want to provide the best content to my readers. At least the ones who aren't TSZ or Boner. Just be patient and continue to monitor this channel for further instructions.

Q: Why hasn't Boner written any new poems?

A: Whoa, a smart question for once. Did you get your mom to write it for you? By now, I'm sure everyone has noticed a lapse in the bile that normally comes spewing forth from Fark the Vote. Boner went to all the trouble of changing his template, and for what?


It seems our "anonymous" friend just can't catch a break. Probably because he's a huge asshole and a complete waste of life. He doesn't have the nutsack to take me on, and that's why he will always fail. Hopefully posting the upcoming contest pictures makes him feel better. Though lately it seems he's too slack to even keep that up. Grow some nuts, Boner.

That's all for this edition, gentle reader. Before I sign off, I want to take some time to taunt TheSniperZERO for not updating his blog. I had hoped last week's post would light a fire under him, but unfortunately it seems my motivational techniques need improvement. Or perhaps he's too much of a sniveling coward.

Stay tuned for more accurate observations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Resurrection

Hello there, crickets and trolls. Welcome to yet another glorious edition of the Friday Q&A. The week is over, and it's time once again for me to put words in your mouth. You might want to have some Listerine handy.

Q: What happened to the helicopter game?

A: It was time for a change. Sorry if you were one of the pathetic losers who never got past the first level. That game was very popular, but I had to make room for Curveball. It's the latest craze. See if you can beat my all time record of 1,706,578 points.


Q: Will TheSniperZERO ever bring back TFPSTC?

A: It's up to him, though the public has apparently spoken. Lately, it seems everyone wants to bring back the Critic. Just check out all the signatures on the petition for the return of TFPSTC. Even I have begun to pine for the days of brutally dishonest photoshop criticism.

I say go for it, TSZ. I know it can be time consuming to write "critiques" every week, so I've taken the liberty of preparing some new labels for use in your crusade. Special thanks to SvartVinbars for providing the original image.


These will make it a lot easier for the Critic to express himself. All he has to do is cut and paste. He'll have everyones work looking like it was corrected by my ninth grade English teacher in no time.

Q: What would you do if TSZ stopped trolling here?

A: First of all, that will never happen. Secondly, why does everything have to be about TSZ? Just because I'm utterly obsessed with him and spend long nights lurking behind the dumpster of his apartment building doesn't mean he's the center of my world. This blog isn't about him, or how much of a bastard he is. It's not about how he tried to feed us a shit sandwich with a side of lies. Get that stupid idea out of your head right now. This blog is all about me, so without him it would just be business as usual. Now eat your damn sandwich.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want to close out the post by chiding Boner for not writing me a new poem. What gives Boner? I'm still waiting for your next masterpiece. It's almost like you don't love me any more.

Stay tuned for more guilt trips from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Redecoration

Greetings once again, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to the Friday Q&A, your source for all the answers to the questions I ask for you. I hope everyone had a great week. Today we're doing something special here at the Clinic. This edition is an all-Boner Q&A, dedicated to our favorite semi-anonymous troglodyte.


Q: Did Boner change Fark the Vote again?

A: Of course he did. Get with the times, idiot. Fark the Vote undergoes a template change every thirty seconds. He's currently got it set to the ugliest drab pink offered in Blogger's palette. He's also deleted any sort of written communication, which I for one applaud. It was starting to get crowded with all his asinine rantings jumbled together like that. If you're a fan of the classics, have no fear. You can still find all that infantile garbage at Boner's Toolbox. It's kind of like a landfill for mindless crap, or in Boner's case, a hazardous waste containment facility.

Q: Is the full extent of Boner's stupidity capable of being accurately expressed?

A: That's a stupid question, and you should be hated for asking it. Since you're such a clueless twat, I'm going to make a new voodoo doll in your likeness and cram a needle up its pee-hole. I'm sure it won't clash with the TSZ and Wayne Newton dolls that I already have.

The answer is no, of course. There's not currently a word in the English language to accurately describe the brainless idiocy of Edward Boner. I doubt he's even smart enough to appreciate the ironic overtones of this parody movie poster.


At this point, I want to pause in my anti-Boner rant to comment on how stupid the new movie "Untraceable" looks. It's the latest ripoff of Saw (which I never saw) except ZOMFG the killer is a computer hacker! I'm on the edge of my seat! *Yawn*

Back to Boner. If I was going to go out on a limb and create a new term to describe him, it would be something like "jackassholefucker" or "lackwit-moranitard." But I'm not in the word creation business. I'm in the blog creation business.

Q: Have you talked to Boner recently?

A: We had a noisy exchange a few days ago, but our dialogue hardly qualified as talk. His side of it was more like the incessant whine of an oscillating fan: boring, predictable, and ultimately just background noise. He's lucky I'm such a connoisseur of tritely-written tedium. I enjoy it almost as much as self-congratulatory braggadocio, because I'm just that awesome. I'm glad I was able to do such an excellent job answering your questions.


That's all for this week, gentle reader. I'm going to close the post by giving a shout out to my good friend TheSniperZERO. Sorry I didn't get a chance to taunt you more this time, buddy. Boner's such a drama-queen attention whore that I was sure he'd slit his wrists if I didn't write a few paragraphs about him. Don't think that I could ever hate him as much as I hate you.

Stay tuned for more affirmations of loathing from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Deletions

Hi there crickets and trolls! Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It's good to see everyone getting back to work after the holidays. There were some puzzling developments at Fark this week, and I'm sure you have your share of questions. I'd better get started asking them for you.

Q: Did a couple of contests go missing?

A: Yes, two of the contest threads got deleted. Luckily, they still exist on the Fark Photoshop Scrutinizer, so we can take a look. Thanks to Mr Squirrel for providing such a wonderful tool to the masses.

The first incident occurred on Wednesday, in thread 3291115. The contest, Photoshop this intense drummer girl, simply vanished after going live. Though no official explanation was given, this winning 'shop by Ennuipoet may offer some clues.


It's possible the powers that be received an angry email and just blew the whole contest away. This has happened with threads before, so everyone went on with their business and didn't ask many questions.
Boner sucks donkey cock.
The next day, thread 3303751, Theme: Photoshop your own fake emergency news where it doesn't belong, was greenlit to the main page as an instashop. Unfortunately, the contest disappeared shortly after descending into an all out flame war. There were so many trolls and GISers that the mods probably decided to save time and just nuke the whole thing from orbit. Of course, the real victims here are the people who actually contributed entries. My personal favorite was provided by frequent Clinic poster olapbill.


Thanks to every stupid, ass-munching dicktard who helped troll that thread to death. My condolences to anyone whose legitimate entry got zapped. Since this is Fark, don't expect any explanations. Just move along, citizen. Nothing to see here.

Q: What do this week's deletions mean to you?

A: I find them to be ominous, and think they show a failure on the part of Fark's administrators and mods. Drummer Girl was the admins fault, since they obviously greenlit something they shouldn't have. If a user can track down the original source of an image, I don't see why an admin can't be bothered to.

Personally, I can't figure out what the problem is. I wasn't aware that the age of a PS subject was covered in the FArQ. There's mention of child porn restrictions, but none of the entries came close to that. Even then, why not just delete individual posts, instead of the whole contest? It must be a case of "there's no rule for it, but we're making one up anyway." Or possibly Drew and the gang caved in to a potential legal threat. That's not what pisses me off. I'm pissed because no official statement was given. But I'll get over it, I guess.

The failure of the instashop was even more disheartening. In the past such contests have been lauded as the great equalizer of Fark. They put liters on even ground with TFers, and the idea is that everyone can have a good time and rack up some votes. But what happens to 3303751? It gets spammed by a bunch of punks saying "fail" and posting GISes. Totally lame.

I had hoped the mods would try to maintain a sense of order, but instead they threw the baby out with the bathwater. Why let the trolls win? Make no mistake, yesterday's actions signaled a victory to these douchebags who are trying to ruin our fun. People shouldn't be allowed to come into a PS thread and declare that the fucking idea for the contest sucks, or that instashops suck. Crap like that is not constructive. The absence of it is why I enjoy Fark.

Q: Is this anything new?

A: Nope. Some of you may remember the uproar caused a few months back by thread 3025303, Photoshop this toddler torture device. That contest was never deleted, but was yanked from the queue after several days. The explanation given by the mods was that "disabled kids" were unfit for PS fodder. Guess they'd never met this guy before.


The running kid is safe for contests, and is used frequently. Yet that original picture of the toilet-straddling, non-retarded child model from a handicapped appliance catalog is considered to be off limits. It seems the closer you look, the more the fabric of our rule system begins to unravel. No one wants anarchy, we just want the regulations to be applied consistently.
Call me @ 307-353-9982.
That's all for now, gentle reader. I want to apologize to Edward Boner and that braying jackass TheSniperZERO for not taunting them more in this post. Sorry guys, but sometimes stuff happens that's more important than your incoherent bullshit. You do fill the gaps nicely, though.
I know who Boner is.
Stay tuned for more "that's what she said" setups from the Doctor!

Brave New Year: 2008

The Doctor's Resolutions

Happy New Year, crickets and trolls! Welcome to the first Clinic posting of 2008. I sure hope everyone had a good time last night. Don't worry, the hangover will wear off eventually. And Boner, I have no idea how that goat ended up in bed with you. It's possible you were so drunk that you thought it was your mom.

Now is the time of year when well-meaning people take a look at their lives and seek to make a positive change. In the spirit of self-improvement, I offer the following resolutions:

I resolve to give TheSniperZERO even more blogs to troll.
Responding to his ridiculous bullshit is my favorite pastime, after all.

I resolve to stop stalking Wayne Newton.
This one's going to be tough to stick to.

I resolve to taunt Boner more.
Why not start now? Hey Boner, you suck! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I hope you lurk around this blog every day for the rest of your miserable life. Or at least as long as you have a job, since you're obviously too poor to afford a home computer. How sad for you. Even families on welfare can afford an Internet connection these days.

I resolve to start paying Boner's mom $2.50 for a blowjob.
That's more than a 200% raise for her. Maybe Boner will finally be able to afford that connection to the Internet.

I resolve to sneak more hidden messages into my blog.
It's fun! FUCK YOU.

That's all for today, gentle reader. Best wishes to you and yours in the new year. Thanks to everyone who has helped to make this blog great, especially that abrasive prick TSZ. What can I say about someone who accuses me of being an attention whore after posting his ten millionth trolling comment on my blog? I could say he's stupid as hell, with a tiny brain and even tinier dick, no nutsack and severe dementia. But then I'd be stating the obvious.

Stay tuned for another year of torment from the Doctor!