The Doctor's Gift Guide

The Year of Giving Dangerously

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the first annual Doctor's Gift Guide. Hopefully you've followed my advice, and put off Christmas shopping until the very last minute. Times are tough, and many Americans have a pretty slim budget this holiday season. Don't worry, I'm here to help! If you've actually purchased any gifts, just throw them in the garbage or burn them. You can't afford to waste a single dollar with the economy like this!

Gifts to Give:

1. Nothing: Every gift makes a statement, so why not say nothing? After all, nothing says nothing like nothing!

2. Name a fake star: There are quite a few websites that allow you to name a star after your loved one for a nominal price. They even provide you with a certificate of authenticity to validate your purchase. Of course, any good Photoshopper can replicate the certificate's design in a few minutes. No need to waste money on what is ostensibly the lamest gift imaginable. Follow my advice, and you could give the lamest gift imaginable for free!

3. Expired medication: Everyone likes pills! Now you can thrill your loved ones with the fun and mystery of taking an unknown controlled substance, whilst ridding your medicine cabinet of any unwanted Cipro or anti-psychotic drugs.

4. Charitable donation: Instead of spending big bucks on presents for your kids, just lie and tell them you gave all their gifts away to the Salvation Army. That way your kids learn a valuable lesson about giving, and you save a bit of cash. The needy families don't actually get anything, but they're probably too busy picking through the garbage for their next meal to notice.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Sorry there weren't more options in the Gift Guide this year. What can I say? Times are tough. Hopefully, these money-saving tips will allow you to enjoy the holiday season without breaking your budget. I think you'll find it's still possible to enjoy the warmth of family togetherness without decadent luxuries like mp3 players, video games, plasma TVs, food, clothing or basic medical care.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!