Holiday Q&A

Questionable Emotion

Greetings, crickets and elves. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of the Friday Q&A. Happy holidays to you. Whether you practice Christianity or some other weird religion, this is a magical time of year.

Q: What kind of presents did you give?

A: I only give one kind of gift: scratch-off lottery tickets. They're the best kind of present, even though there's only an infinitesimal chance your loved one will actually be getting anything. And of course you can take the ticket back if they win. Does Nana think she can stop me? I will fuck Nana's shit up. Judge me all you want, but if a $20,000 card got scratched off in my house, there would be a fistfight between at least a dozen people.

Q: What's the best thing about Christmas?

A: Knowing that the so-called joyous season is almost over. In a world where every store puts up Christmas decorations the day after Halloween, you come to cherish the brief moments before another onslaught of holiday crap. But joy to the world, and all that.

Q: Do you just pay lip service to Christmas as an excuse to get presents?

A: Doesn't everybody? Hey, I don't see you going to church every Sunday. I think our culture has proven that you don't need a strong faith in the FSM to celebrate Christmas. Or even Christianity. My church is located inside an old decommissioned Chuck E Cheese. We still have a nativity pageant, but the baby Jesus is animatronic, and he shoots lasers out of his eyes.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Merry Christmas once again. I hope you got everything you wanted, unless you disagree with me. Happy New Year, I look forward to seeing many more great Photoshops from all of you.
except TheSniperZero
Stay tuned for more Christmas cheer from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Celebration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to anther edition of the Friday Q&A. Christmas is right around the corner! In this season, it's customary to set our differences aside. At least until after the third cup of egg nog.

Q: How are you celebrating this Christmas?

A: I suppose every family has their own way. In my house, we all gather 'round for the traditional burning of the Yule log. This is usually followed closely by the traditional calling of the fire department. Maybe next year, I'll remember to unblock the chimney first. Even if it means accidentally letting that bastard trespasser Santa Claus into my home.

Q: Was this a good year for Photoshop?

A: It was a good year for a lot of things, and Photoshop was definitely one of them. I'm sure you probably disagree, or think that some previous era outshines this one. Well, you're an idiot. I'm sure it would be fun to live in the past (especially during the gangster or cowboy eras), but we all have to move forward.

Q: What about the Golden Age?

A: Give everyone a gift this season, and let the damn Golden Age die. Seriously, it's time to load up the old shotgun and take that mythical era for a long walk into the woods. Just because your PS skills peaked a few years ago, that's no reason to bring the rest of us down.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Happy holidays from everyone here at the Picture Clinic, regardless of whether or not you agree with me. Though in case of the latter, you really should think about getting a grip on reality.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Frustration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It's nice of you to join me again. As you're no doubt aware, I value nearly all of my readers. At least those who swear a loyalty oath to uphold my ideals. Like all great geniuses, I'm able to recognize that everyone who disagrees with me is stupid. Thankfully, there's still hope for a few of you.

Q: What's the best way to win a Fark contest?

A: It's easy, you just have to give the public what they want. If voters are only interested in seeing tired cliches repeated ad nauseum, you'd better be there to serve that tripe on a platter. Skilled and insightful work can only take you so far in our community. Formulaic and obvious are much better recipes for success on Fark.

Q: Why does my best stuff always seem to score poorly?

A: This lament is so common, it should be part of the Adobe EULA that you have to agree to when you install Photoshop. People always want to know why an entry they spent ten minutes on can outshine something that took hours to complete. My best advice would be to make sure your piece contains an actual joke before you expend a lot of effort on it. Voters don't know how long it took for you to finish something, and aren't really judging your image on that criteria.

Q: Why do Fark voters favor quick and dirty stuff over more advanced entries?

A: Once again, you've missed the point entirely. Voters don't necessarily favor simplistic work, they just want a laugh. Cliches serve this purpose well, and often act as ready-made comedic devices for Photoshoppers who didn't have the pleasure of attending Sarcastic Joke University. In the past, there have been many attempts to elevate what we do. That's all well and good, of course. No one is saying you shouldn't spend time on your entries, or work to improve your skills. Just make sure the concept you choose is at least mildly amusing. Fark is, after all, primarily a humor site.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad we had a chance to further explore the debate of skill vs funny. Ultimately, you will find yourself best served by having a little of both. Though it's much more likely that you have none of either.

Stay tuned for more honest evaluations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Restitution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I answer the questions that no one else thinks to ask. It's just my way of giving back to the Fark PS community. As a wise man once said, "the Photoshoptor Doctor is brilliant and everything he says is right." Or possibly that was me referring to myself in the third person. It makes sense, I'm the smartest guy I know.

Q: Are there any lawsuits pending in our community?

A: Not yet, but a storm is brewing. Apparently, another one of Fark's beloved Photoshop cliches has lawyered up. Pat Tribett, the infamous "Huffer", is newly sober and gradually becoming aware of his vast Internet notoriety. Naturally, his first reaction was to sue a bunch of people. This means bad news for anyone in the fledgling market of Internet meme-based novelty items.


Q: Does his suit have merit?

A: That's a difficult legal question. From a copyright standpoint, it would appear not. The mugshot is a public domain image. However, the courts may side with Mr Tribett over the use of his face for another person's financial benefit without permission. Patrick isn't the first cliche to threaten legal action, if you recall Grampy's trouble with the Nutsack Squirrel. Thankfully, Drew has pledged his full support to any Farker that gets caught in this potential clusterfuck.

Q: Will you remove the Huffer from Cliche City?

A: Absolutely not. Unlike the original Cliche City, my recreation of Grampy's site does not contain a merchandise section. That means I in no way profit from Mr Tribett's image. I've updated the page to reflect his newly found sobriety and litigiousness. For the good of everyone involved (except maybe Tillman) let's hope Pat stays off the Krylon.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I want to close this edition of the Q&A by once again wishing Mr Tribett the best of luck in his sobriety. Our community will mourn the loss of such a prolific cliche (some of us more than others).

Stay tuned for more exclusionary sentiments from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Competition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. How was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully terrible, if you disagree with me in even the slightest way. Let's hope you spent the day digging through rotted garbage for nourishment. I'm thankful that a lot of places padlock their dumpster nowadays.

Q: Who is currently leading the Scrutinizer's Honor Roll?

A: Nobody, followed closely by no one. As detailed in a previous edition, Mr Squirrel has not yet adjusted his site's code to accommodate for changes recently made to Fark. As a result, the current Honor Roll page looks like this:

Q: Is the entire site broken?

A: Individual stats are still being logged, and you'll have no problem viewing the ever-expanding gallery of crap you've submitted. Unfortunately, all pissing matches are currently on hold until the requisite changes can be made. As previously stated, Mr Squirrel is incommunicado. Please do not email him, as I'm sure he already has an inbox filled with alerts pertaining to this problem.

Q: Are there any positive aspects to a Scrutinizer outage?

A: Certainly, but you'll need a mindset above that of an infant to recognize them. Therefore I fully expect my next few sentences to fly right over the average Clinic reader's head. The Scutinizer is a great resource for our community, but like all tools, it can be misused. Far too often, it becomes a ruler for insecure Photoshoppers to measure their dicks with. Placement on the Honor Roll does not correspond to actual PS skill, yet somehow stats are inevitably dragged out during almost every disagreement in our community. Your somewhat higher win percentage does not invalidate opposing viewpoints.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It's unfortunate that the Scrutinizer is malfunctioning, but keep in mind that there are still plenty of ways to feel superior amongst your fellow PSers. You'll just have to find something besides intelligence, Photoshop ability, or body odor. Perhaps you're really good at puzzles or something.
Doubtful.
Stay tuned for more suggested talents from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Dedication

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, part of an ongoing series exploring the numerous ways that I am superior to you. You probably think it's pretty easy for me to sit here in my ivory tower and thumb my nose at the common man. And you're right! It's become one of my favorite pastimes, second only to trading erotic Judge Judy fanfic.

Q: Why did you start this blog?

A: Since its inception, the Picture Clinic has been a bastion of free speech. Provided you agree with me, of course. The Web needed another opinionated asshole, and I bravely stepped forward to fill that role. It's the kind of inspiring story that could only happen in America, or pretty much anywhere else in the world.

Q: What makes your opinions correct?

A: That's a good question. I'm surprised you were able to come up with it. But then, I'm consistently surprised you can find the button to turn your computer on. At any rate, my opinions are the smartest because they are forged in the fires of my brilliant mind. As I've stated before, my IQ is at least 175 (by my own estimate). Does this make me better than you? I guess it depends on whether or not your IQ is below 175. If so, then yeah, probably.

Q: Are you a hero?

A: Absolutely not. I'm just a simple man writing a simple blog that simple-minded people read. The real heroes are fighting overseas (or very close by if you live in a particularly shitty country). The Clinic is just my humble contribution to a community that I care about.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I'm glad you stopped by. Thanks for letting me take some time to clarify my blog's mission statement. I promise a full return to my probing coverage of community issues in the next edition. For now, please take some time to make sure your opinions don't clash with mine.

Stay tuned for more ideological alignment from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Premonition

Greetings crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Friday the 13th edition of the Q&A. I've always considered this date to be lucky, since I'm a creature of darkness that feeds off the misery and hatred of others. I get more than my fill from this blog alone, but having the 13th fall on Friday three times this year has been a nice bonus.

Q: Is luck important in Photoshopping?

A: I'm sure many of my contemporaries would say yes. The conventional logic amongst most of Fark Photoshop's elite seems to be that our voters are unpredictable. You just never know what they're going to elevate or shun. Well, maybe you don't know. I myself have mastered the art of predicting a contest's winners and losers.

Q: What is the secret to your predictions?

A: If I shared that, I'd give away my edge in the contests. Then I would only have my massive technical skills and outstanding sense of humor to set me apart from the pack. And also my good looks and intelligence. If you really want to know the secret behind Fark's voting trends, you'll just have to sit back and observe the outcome of a few contests for yourself. This may mean closing three or more of the bestiality porn tabs you have open on your browser, so be prepared to make sacrifices.

Q: Are psychic abilities a factor in the outcome of Fark's contests?

A: Absolutely. As a trained medical professional, I can say that psychic powers are just as real as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. Since the dawn of time, mankind has sought to control his destiny. How better to do so than by predicting the future? A man named Nostradamus once said a bunch of stuff that I have trouble translating because it's in a foreign language. Luckily, trusted TV psychic Miss Cleo thinks enough to speak American (or Español if you press 2). She had no problem confiding with me at great length about the impending outcome of many Fark contests. If it weren't for her indictment by the FCC, my winning streak would have remained unbroken.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I don't need psychic powers to know you're doubting my claims about the existence of said powers. Try thinking of a number between one and ten (preferably seven). Did you guess seven? How about six? Five, eight or three? If I haven't guessed your number yet, you're probably a witch.

Stay tuned for more arbitrary predictions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Deletion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regular feature, I explore important issues facing the Fark Photoshop community. I'm not the first Photoshopper to take up blogging, but I'm one of the few who isn't a miserably ignorant piece of shit with 100% wrong opinions. I'll have you know that only 57% of my opinions are wrong. And you'd better damn well agree with all of them.

Q: Why does Photobucket suck?

A: There simply isn't enough space in a single Q&A to contain my entire list of why Photobucket is a crappy image host. We'll set aside the eye-gouging interface for now and just focus on their despotic moderation policy. Many PSers have found themselves on the wrong side of Photobucket's TOS. Without warning, the offending images are replaced with an angry red placecard.

Q: What kinds of images are forbidden?

A: The answer might surprise you. Classical artwork with any kind of nudity seems to be a frequent offender. Likewise, Nazi imagery also seems to be verboten. Beyond that, I devised a test to determine what kind of content the PB mods dislike. When I set up the new Cliche City, I hosted most of the images at Photobucket. Over the past few months, they've gradually been picked off. Birth of Man and Paris Hilton's open snatch were obvious gets, but the latest victim surprised even me.

The Special Olympics kid is one of Fark's oldest cliches. It may not be the most politically correct, but it's far from offensive. And there's certainly no copyright at stake. As far as I know, that image is in the public domain.

Q: Why does Photobucket hate retarded people?

A: I have no idea, but such a policy seems bad for business. Probably half of all Photobucket users are retarded, so that's a lot of pictures to delete. They're going to need a diligent staff of fascists working around the clock just to keep up with demand.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'll continue to monitor the authoritarian takeover of Photobucket. Nudity and racism are one thing, but when their mods deny our constitutional right to mock the handicapped, they're messing with forces they cannot possibly understand.

Stay tuned for more uncensored derision from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

Questionable Apparition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a spooky Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. How nice of you to join me for the Picture Clinic's third annual Halloween Special. As you well know, this ghoulish evening is serious business for me. I've been setting werewolf and dracula traps all week. I plan to capture evidence of the paranormal, or more likely, my own schizophrenia. At any rate, let's get to the questions.

Q: Why didn't Target use Domo Kun this year?

A: As some of my readers may recall, last Halloween the Target corporation used beloved Fark cliche Domo Kun in their seasonal store displays. This concentration of marketing resulted in a collective cheer from the Fark community and a collective WTF from pretty much everyone else. While your area may have differed, this year I was unable to find any Domo Kun merchandise at my local Target store. However, their website still has a wide variety available.


Q: Has Halloween become more dangerous?

A: Absolutely. When you send your kids out trick-or-treating, you're introducing them to an element of danger. Without proper supervision, there's a good chance they won't return with enough candy. Children are easily replaced (see my series of instructional videos) but the possibility of losing those precious Butterfinger and Nestle Crunch bars is far too much of a gamble.


Q: Do you have any Halloween safety tips?

A: I sure do. There's no telling what kind of weirdos lurk in the neighborhood. That's why I always send my kids out with a loaded firearm. Remember, forearmed is forewarned. Or maybe it's the other way around. Years of ether abuse have damaged my ability to interpret common axioms. At any rate, just tell your kids to only point the gun at people who threaten their candy.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Have a happy Halloween. I know the idea of giving your children loaded weapons may seem dangerous, but would you rather lose all that delicious candy? The potential rewards far outweigh the risks.

Stay tuned for more safety tips from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Comparison

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, your source for Photoshop information and ad hominem attacks. It's important for you to recognize that you're stupid, and all that of your opinions are incorrect. Luckily, I have a genius-level IQ (by my own estimation) which I happily put to work educating the unwashed Photoshop masses.

Q: What is the best image editing program?

A: As you're no doubt aware, there are many options available when it comes to image manipulation software. Debates frequently occur over which one is truly best, usually devolving into bitter catfights between users of Photoshop and the GIMP.

Q: What advantages does the GIMP offer?

A: The GNU Image Manipulation Program is an open source graphics editor. As such, it is not beholden to any type of corporate interest. This makes the GIMP very popular among hippies and cheapskates. It offers all the advantages of using an unpolished, often broken application. But it's a FREE unpolished and broken app.

Q: What advantages does Photoshop offer?

A: Adobe Photoshop is the industry standard. It enjoys superior name recognition and the benefit of corporate funding. It also suffers the detriment of built-in spyware, with the Adobe LM Service constantly monitoring your system as an anti-piracy measure. If you can abide this level of corporate scrutiny, and have several hundred dollars, PS may be the program for you.
This is not a hidden message.
That's all for this time, gentle reader. I hope this week's discussion shed a bit of light on the old GIMP vs. Photoshop debate. Maybe you learned something about yourself, like the fact that you're a dirty open source hippy or a corporate sellout with a spyware-infested computer.

Stay tuned for more harsh reality from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Contribution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Here at the Picture Clinic, I do my best to shine a beacon of hope and truth on the masses of Fark's Photoshop community. Failing that, I insult my readers and carry out petty grudges with persons of diminished mental capacity. Good times, indeed.

Q: Has the Scrutinizer been fixed yet?

A: Apparently not. As featured in last week's edition, some changes to Fark have caused complications over at the Scrutinizer. The date/time stamp of all recent contests is still being displayed incorrectly. Any attempts to reach Mr Squirrel have failed, but it's assumed that he is very busy and unable to fix the problem at this time.

Q: What kind of changes were made to Fark?

A: It would appear that Drew & co have finally heeded the suggestion to display a list of current Photoshop contests. This is feature has been requested time and again by members of our community. Hopefully, we'll see a surge in voting as the contests become easier to browse. The list can be found linked under the headline of every PS thread.

Q: What other features would you like to see added?
TSZ reads this blog every week.
A: There are so many that I can think of. First of all, I'd like a way to ignore people with more talent than me. Placing every single one of our community members on my ignore list has become a bit tedious (though necessary for the hyperinflation of my ego). I'd also like a filter to automatically block small images from being submitted to the contest queue. The recent past has seen more than a few postage stamp-sized O's.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully the recent changes made to Fark will result in a higher voter turnout. Unfortunately, since the same changes seem to have broken the Scrutinizer, it will be difficult to tell.

Stay tuned for more ironic conundrums from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Malfunction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regular feature, I take a look at issues facing the Fark Photoshop community. As luck would have it, I also frequently find time to antagonize people who have the misfortune of disagreeing with me. But not in this week's post. I'm afraid we have no choice but to set aside the unquestionable banality of your Photoshop work. There are fare more pressing matters at hand.

Q: What's wrong with the Scrutinizer?

A: There's no question that the heretofore reliable Scrutinizer is experiencing some technical difficulties. There have been more than a few indications that the stats aren't being tallied correctly. Earlier this week, an alert PSAEFer noticed this anomaly on the one of the "most votes, single entry" charts.


The fate of those "disappeared" from the list is anyone's guess. I suggest we form a search party, leaving no stone unturned. On second thought, that sounds like a bit too much work. It would probably involve going outside, or at least Googling something.

Q: Is anything else wrong with the Scrutinizer?

A: Statistical anomalies aside, Mr Squirrel's site has been running fairly well without much attention from the man himself. Unfortunately, recent changes to Fark have resulted in more problems.


Now none of the dates after the 8th will display properly. Luckily, stats continue to be calculated. Hopefully Mr Squirrel will find time to perform some much-needed maintenance the resource he has so graciously provided.

Q: Where is Mr Squirrel?

A: That appears to be the question of the hour. All efforts to contact Mr Squirrel by email have failed. No one seems to know the whereabouts of this revered community member. Even my tracking unit has lost contact.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I want to apologize to Mr Squirrel for poking fun at him in this week's edition. Like everyone else, I recognize that his busy schedule does not leave a lot of time for Farking, and even less for maintaining a resource that he ostensibly doesn't use.
Also, TSZ is a douche.
Stay tuned for more preemptive mitigation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Substitution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you took the time to join me today, as we have important business to discuss. Sure, it might seem like the same tired crap that's been debated ad nauseum in the PSAEF, but facts can be deceiving.

Q: Do you prefer positive comments or votes?

A: This question is frequently asked in our community. Many consider positive feedback on a Fark entry to be as important (if not more so) than the total number of votes it receives. Personally, I've never felt this to be true. In reality, one usually begets the other. It's rare for an image to draw a large amount of comments without also garnering a decent vote tally. If so, it means usually means whomever enjoyed it wasn't smart enough to also click the "vote" box.

Q: Why is voting so important?

A: The outcome of voting is not necessarily more important than generating positive feedback, but unfortunately the Scrutinizer doesn't keep track of comments made about an entry. Good or bad, anything said is bound to be quickly forgotten. Meanwhile, your vote average will live on in perpetuity thanks to the incomparable Mr Squirrel.

Q: Do you vote for yourself?
There is no secret message is this week's post.
A: It's true that many Photoshoppers won't cast a vote for their own entries. They see this practice as dishonest, since the margin of victory in these contests is often so slim. I'm elated that people feel this way, because I totally don't! I love voting for my own stuff. It gives me a leg up on what can otherwise be some pretty intimidating competition. No matter what your level of skill is, you will kneel before the power of my one extra vote!
Also, TSZ is a jackass.
That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. I hope this week's discussion convinced you of the importance that voting will always hold in our community. At least until a clever Farker figures out how to average the total number of positive comments for a given Photoshopper into a percentage that person can obsess over and be judged by.

Stay tuned for more acute discernment from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Adulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature is usually chock full of hatred and animosity. After all, that's what my readers demand. As the last surviving Photoshop hate blogger, I feel it's my duty to package bile-ridden spite for the masses to consume. However, occasionally something will happen that requires me to set aside the pretense of negativity. Such an event occurred earlier this week, when yet another Fark entry appeared on the urban legend website Snopes.com.

Q: How many Fark entries have ended up on Snopes?

A: Until recently, the answer has been only one, Lukket's infamous "Computer of the Future" from 2004. It still pops up around the Web in various articles and blog posts, often presented as a real photograph. The Snopes writeup can be found here.

It was once stated (by a failed critic) that modern age Photoshoppers could never hope to create an image this subversively hilarious. Personally, I felt that it was only a matter of time. The approval of thread 4580667 certainly aided the process.

Q: Which image made it to Snopes?

A: That honor goes to SvartVinbars, whose fifth place entry featuring Barrack Obama as a member of the Black Panther Party has had great success trolling Right Wingers. Here is the image, in case you missed it:

This picture has been making the rounds in emails, often alleging a cover up by the mainstream media. At this rate, we'll be lucky not to have another gaggle of Obama conspiracy theorists on our hands by next month. Congratulations to SvartVinbars, and anyone who forwarded the image to a panicky relative or coworker.

Q: Why did the Black Panther Obama have so much success?

A: I try to refrain from political commentary on this blog. However, I can say without a doubt that there are some people who desperately want SvartVinbars' image to be real. Snopes goes to great length in pointing out that the picture is an obvious 'shop. The source pic is well known, and Obama couldn't have been more than 10 years old when the Black Panthers were active. While there's no way to predict the long term circulation of Black Panther Obama, you won't catch me betting against the power of human stupidity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I want to close this post by once again congratulating SvartVinbars on attaining what so many before him failed to achieve. I admire his Photoshop skills and ability to troll simple-minded idiots, the latter of which is second only to my own.

Stay tuned for more unnecessary self-aggrandizement from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Calculation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again, even if you're only checking this blog to see if I insult you. Let's get that out of the way early, shall we? You're stupid and your mother is a whore. Your opinions about Photoshop are more laughable than your interactions with the opposite sex. Go get the rustiest pair of pliers you can find and forcibly remove yourself from the gene pool. After you've spared future generations from the torment of your spawn, we can get to this week's questions.

Q: How can I win more Photoshop contests?

A: This is the eternal question in our community. Our voters seem so fickle, and their reactions impossible to gauge. But what if I told you that I could easily predict the winners of each and every Photoshop contest? You'd probably say I'm full of shit, when in reality that assumption is only partially true. It's a fact that winning comes easily to those who have learned what I call the Secret to Photoshop Success. I can't say too much other than it involves a lot of practice, patience, ritual dancing and goat's blood.

Q: Have you made any new additions to Cliche City?

A: I sure have. A recent email from a concerned visitor pointed out the rather glaring omission of Disaster Girl. Her absence has since been rectified. For anyone unfamiliar with the meme:


Thanks again to the alert patron who notified me. You can read the revised page here. I appreciate any interest shown in improving Cliche City. After all, it's only been a few months since I found the site code in a dumpster behind Grampy's house.

Q: Why do you keep trolling TheSniperZERO?

A: Because, unlike so many other things in life, it requires very little effort. I like things that are easy (I'll resist the temptation to reference your mother here, as I have expended my quota for this post). Pushing that idiot's buttons is not exactly a chess game. It's more like Connect Four (minus three).

That's all for this time gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. In the coming weeks, I hope to move past certain petty differences that have been so prominently featured at the Clinic. Negativity and ill will have no place here, except in the secret messages I include with each post.
Fuck you, shithead.
Stay tuned for more hidden animosity from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

Questionable Fascination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. Some of my more astute readers may recognize this week's post comes a day late. My apologies for any inconvenience caused by the temporary rescheduling.

Q: Why did you post a day late this week?

A: I thought posting on September 11th would be in poor taste. Farkers know when to show their respect for a national tragedy. For example, we hardly ever post this image any more:


Of course, that modicum of restraint was not my true reason for postponing the Q&A. If you're a hardcore Clinic reader, you know that today is the birthday of my old arch-nemesis TheSniperZERO! Happy birthday, TSZ. You're the most persistent and insane troll I've ever encountered.

Q: Why are you taunting TheSniperZERO?

A: A great man (I think it was Jesus or perhaps Elliott Gould) once said, "if it feels good, do it." My old foe is going to read this blog regardless of what I write about, so why not pause to offer my sincerest thanks? Without him raging over every post, there's no telling how long the Clinic would have lasted.

Q: Does he really hate this blog?

A: Oh yeah. His recent attempts at trolling are a huge tell. Over the years, he's made some pretty lame attacks on this place, but the last few were just sad. Gone are the days of multiple sock puppets and wall-of-text psych analysis. It's a real shame. Perhaps he'll get his act together and rally another assault on the Clinic.

That's all for this time gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by, especially to my number one fan TheSniperZERO. Hopefully, he'll leave a monosyllabic retort or spam posting in this week's comments section.

Stay tuned for more obvious troll bait from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reiteration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'd like to start by welcoming all of my new readers. I realize that many of you may be unfamiliar with the Clinic, so let me tell you how things work: I'm always right, and anyone who disagrees with me is stupid. I'm going to go over a few my core beliefs in this week's post. That way, newcomers can determine their level of intelligence without having to search through my vast archives.

Q: How do you feel about cliches?

A: Here at the Picture Clinic, I fully support the use of Fark's beloved Photoshop cliches. These reoccurring images are part of our community's shared iconography. Spend some time outside of the contests if you don't believe me. The fact that Pat Tribbett gets a greenlit thread every time he's arrested would tend to support my position.

Q: How important is skill in a Fark contest?

A: The conventional wisdom is that our voters tend to favor cliches, passing over more intricate shops to vote for the same old stuff. This causes much grief in our community, as members frequently bemoan the lack of respect for artistic merit. I personally don't subscribe to this theory. I've seen plenty of non-cliche entries win, but Fark is by and large a humor site. The voters want a cheap laugh, whether it gets delivered in the form of a cliche or a silly joke is of little consequence. An entry has to be truly jaw-dropping to get the public's attention without the benefit of a dick or fart joke.

Q: What is your opinion on voting?
TSZ = fail
A: I tend to respect it, regardless of the outcome. Whilst I've already stated how pointless it is to rant against the people we're trying to entertain, I can understand some of the frustration. Unfortunately, the voters have no idea how long you spent crafting an image. When someone invests a lot of time working on something, they tend to overlook the flaws in their own creation. Kind of like how every parent thinks their kid is special, and not just another screaming brat. My best advice would be to take a step back periodically and evaluate what you've made. If it isn't living up to your expectations, drown it in the bathtub.
My Photoshops are like my children (in that I spent five minutes making them).
That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. As always, the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the Fark Photoshop community, but they damn well should.

Stay tuned for more suggested opinions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Repetition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another exciting installment of the Friday Q&A. Here at the Picture Clinic, I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion. That doesn't mean you have to agree with me, it just means I'm always right, and you're stupid. The cornerstone of this blog has always been reasoned debate. As long as the outcome favors my own predetermined ideals.

Q: How do you feel about repeat themes?

A: This debate seems to reoccur periodically in the Fark community. Some purists don't like the idea of working on a theme that has previously been featured. I have a bit of trouble understanding why. Perhaps these individuals are unaware that most archived threads quickly devolve into a sea of broken links. Even the best Photoshop contests are quickly forgotten.

Q: How do you feel about repeat themes?

A: The biggest perceived issue with reusing a past contest is by far the myth that people will simply rehash old ideas from the previous thread. On a website where the same picture of Pat Tribbet repeatedly wins, this is somehow seen as a big deal. I think the concern is a bit misplaced. Even if someone was to copy a winning entry, there's no guarantee if would score the same a second time around. There are different competitors, a fresh batch of voters, and any number of other variables that preclude the outcome from being predetermined.

Q: How do you feel about repeat themes?

A: I don't see any reason for contests to be a one shot deal. Our community's transient nature means that many weren't around the first time. Others may have learned new tricks they wish to employ. If you don't like a thread, no one says you have to post in it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I would like to remind any surviving members of the Golden Age that Fark is not a museum. There isn't even an on-site archive of Photoshop work. It seems silly to complain about a contest having been done before, when the active participants and audience have completely changed.
Fuck you, TSZ.
Stay tuned for more tedious repetition from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Selection

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. What a terrific week. We're closing in on the final days of the Picture Clinic's anniversary month. Though the blog war is now a distant memory, I remain committed to providing our community with the finest fact-based opinions. You might not always agree with me, but I think we've already established that you seldom agree with anyone.

Q: What is the Experience Project?

A: If you're asking this question, you're either a big-time Photoshop hero or a pixel-scraping attention whore (depending on whom the assessment is being made by). This week, a number of Farkers received this private message:


Apparently Fark will soon be partnering with experienceproject.com. ExperienceProject wants to showcase winning entries from "the best PS contests." It's an exciting chance to share our work with people outside the Fark community. Though since only winners will be chosen, it remains doubtful that any of this blog's regular readers will partake in the spotlight.

Q: Do you foresee any problem with this arrangement?

A: As previously stated, only winners will be chosen for this exchange program. Any veteran Photoshopper will tell you that some really great entries don't even make the top ten. I have my doubts about spectators receiving the full effect of a Fark contest if they only get to see one image.

Q: Will our memes make sense to this new audience?

A: I suppose this is probably my biggest question about the upcoming partnership. Will traditional Fark cliches like Pat Tribbet and Domo Kun register with our new audience? I have to think they probably will. Any image considered to be a cliche on Fark will have seen its fair share of circulation in other online forums. Some of the more arcane references may not make the cut, but these entries seldom win regardless.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I want to take some time here at the end to personally taunt my old nemesis TheSniperZERO, who made a drive-by attempt at trolling in last week's comment section. Sorry you've been reduced to spewing monosyllabic nonsense. I miss the old nonsense that used to take up several paragraphs.

Stay tuned for more expressions of disappointment from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

Questionable Citation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. In honor of the Picture Clinic's second anniversary, I've decided to set aside petty differences. At least until the next time I get drunk. This truce is guaranteed to stand for about five minutes. Meanwhile, I'm taking a break from discussing imaginary conspiracy theories to answer some questions about the Clinic itself.

Q: How can readers help the Picture Clinic?

A: The traditional second anniversary gift is cotton. What luck that US currency is composed of 75% cotton! Show your appreciation by clicking the Paypal button on the right side of the page. Feel free to donate the entire contents of your bank account. The $1.75 you contribute will be money well spent.

Q: How have you helped the Photoshop community?

A: Throughout its history, the Clinic has been a platform for me to effect positive change. I've seldom taken the opportunity, but the option has always been there. Some of you may recall my restoration of Cliche City, after it was knocked offline by overzealous attorneys. Today that much-needed resource is standing strong, outside the jurisdiction of the United States legal system (the compound in which I live has been declared a sovereign nation). It will continue to serve until Grampy decides to bring his own site back online.

Q: Why don't you give out more Photoshop tips?

A: And obliterate what little edge I have over the competition at Fark? Never. You'll just have to look elsewhere for snarky Photoshop advice. I believe the "You Suck at Photoshop" series has that niche covered nicely. Unlike previous Fark bloggers, I don't see the need to mislead my readers with questionable tutorials.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks so much for stopping by. I'm glad you had a chance to check out the Clinic's second anniversary post. The Q&A will return to its regularly scheduled day next week. I want to close this special edition by taunting my fallen enemies. Looks like the tequila is starting to kick in.

Stay tuned for more drunken rants from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Fluctuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I do my best to shed some light on the issues facing our community. Join me once again, as I express the only views and opinions that matter: those formulated within the syphilitic confines of my mind.

Q: Can you follow up on last week's queue discussion?

A: As you may recall, the previous Q&A was devoted to a sudden dearth of Photoshop contests over at Fark. I rationally concluded that Bigfoot was most likely involved. Shortly after I posted this reasonable explanation, a good crop of themes and "O" threads suddenly appeared in the queue. Perhaps my Sasquatch hypothesis was a bit too close to the truth.

Q: So the queue is plentiful again?

A: Not at the moment. Once again, only a handful of contests are listed at the time of this column's posting. The recent trend has apparently been to let the queue dwindle toward week's end. Current PSAEF speculation points to the possibility of one or two specialized admins approving Photoshop links. Since this theory contains no reference to Bigfoot, I'm not inclined to believe it.

Q: Why is August such an important month?
TSZ still reads this blog.
A: In just a few days, we'll be celebrating two wonderful, glorious, adjective-filled years of the Picture Clinic. In honor of this banner occasion, I'm turning August into a month-long extravaganza. Join me as I celebrate this blog's anniversary in style.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Join me again next week for a special birthday edition of the Q&A. And remember: the views expressed here at the Picture Clinic are the only correct ones to have.

Stay tuned for more ideological superiority from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Abbreviation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As always, thanks for joining me. I'm glad you're here, provided we share the same opinions about Photoshop. If not, feel free to fuck off and die.

Q: Why has the contest queue been so short?

A: This is not a repeat from two weeks ago. In what is becoming a common occurrence, the queue of upcoming Photoshop contests has once again dwindled to less than a dozen. A bit of grumbling in the PSAEF might grease the wheels, but the fact remains that a lot of good material has been getting passed over lately.

Q: Are the admins on vacation?

A: Preposterous. Who vacations in summertime? I think the obvious culprit here is alien abduction and/or Bigfoot. There can be no other explanation in my mind, at least not without getting time travel involved.

Q: Are there any advantages to the short queue?

A: There certainly are for me. As a blogger, it gives me something to bitch about. For the rest of the community, I see no particular benefit. Especially among those who bought Totalfark solely for the access to upcoming Photoshop contests.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, this fluctuating contest queue is only a temporary problem. In the meantime, you might as well take the opportunity to start a new hobby. Perhaps one that necessitates wearing pants.

Stay tuned for more activity suggestions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Devotion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I explore those issues that matter most to the Fark Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me once again. Today, I'll be offering a bit of explanation for any newcomers to the Clinic. Veteran readers should probably skip straight to deciphering the secret hidden messages in this post.
You are stupid.
Q: What is your mission?

A: My mission has always been the same. I'm just doing my part to spread good will in our community. Unless you disagree with me, in which case you can fuck off. I like to think of myself as the voice of reason, my Iranian assassination conspiracies notwithstanding.

Q: How do you decide which issues to cover?

A: That's a good question. Obviously you're having a moment of clarity in your otherwise inhalant-clouded existence. Issues dealt with at the Picture Clinic are decided by a scientific study of an unscientific poll. All the data is then handed over to my crack team of typewriting monkeys, who hurl their feces at the the most pressing matters of the day. At some point, spell check is applied, and any references to bananas are removed.

Q: Is anything off limits?

A: I try not to make fun of your mother's penis, but otherwise pretty much anything goes. I believe in shining a harsh light on current events, whilst not getting bogged down in tedious facts. My only crimes are caring too much, and arson.

That's all for this time gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope I was able to enlighten some of the newcomers about this blog's purpose and core message. If you still don't understand, try rereading the post with a thesaurus handy. You might be getting thrown off by all the literary flourishes and poop jokes.

Stay tuned for more excretory humor from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Decomposition

Greetings crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me once again. In this weekly feature, I take time to address issues directly related to the Fark Photoshop community. Let nothing sway my vigilant gaze.

Q: Did any more famous people die this week?
Abe Vigoda LIVES
A: Yes, probably a few. Death is a natural part of life, and our celebrities will always be in danger of assassination at the hands of secret Iranian agents. This week, it is my sad duty to report the passing of Walter Cronkite. I'm no journalist, but I've always seen direct and obvious parallels between his work and my own.

This just in! My egomania has reached staggering depths!

Q: Is Imageshack back online?

A: It would appear so. One week ago, Imageshack was the victim of a bizarre hacker attack that substituted many hosted images with a tl;dr rant on the subject of Internet security. Luckily, the damage appears to have been repaired. All the images are visible again, and there have been no further incursions by Anti-Sec.

Q: Why is the contest queue so short?

A: No one knows for sure why Fark's admins occasionally fail to greenlight Photoshop threads. In the past few days, the list of upcoming contests has dwindled to less than a dozen. There's been no shortage of good submissions, but so far most of them have been rejected.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Please do your part by submitting a contest for Fark's admins to reject. If that doesn't work, the Parrot may want to consider eating more fiber.

Stay tuned for more dietary suggestions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Exploitation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me once again. I was all set to rant about dead public figures, but some late-breaking news has intervened. My salute to Steve McNair and Robert McNamara will have to be postponed until further notice. In the meantime, Ronald McDonald has been moved to a secure location.

Q: What happened to Imageshack?

A: Friday evening, Imageshack came under attack by a group of hackers calling themselves Anti-sec. If you host your pictures on that site, there's a good chance they were briefly replaced with this manifesto:

Take notes TSZ.
Q: What does this group want?
Your DDOS attempt last week was pathetic.
A: You'll have to spend a little more time than I did deciphering their anarchist boilerplate to solve that mystery. Suffice to say, the disruption of Fark Photoshop contests was not their primary objective. Hopefully, the targeted images have only been temporarily replaced. It's unknown at this time whether or not the originals will return.

Q: How does this affect Fark?

A: Apparently not at all, despite the disruption of a few threads. Anti-sec's attack didn't swap out every Imageshack pic, and that host has done such a piss-poor job in the past few years that only a few PSers still use it. Those that do have no doubt become accustomed to randomly losing their images. Seeing the substitution of something other than a golden frog was probably a welcome change of pace.

That's all for this time gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, this evening's attack will be quickly repaired by Imageshack. I'm not comfortable with the unfair advantage given to those posts that were substituted with Anti-sec's manifesto. Someone obviously spent more than 15 minutes on that thing, placing it high above the creative standards of my own work.

Stay tuned for more unfair disadvantages from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Assassination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Independence Day edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for stopping by, assuming you agree with me about Photoshop. If not, you're obviously an enemy of America. Why do you hate our troops, and freedom?

Q: Is this a somber week?

A: It certainly is. The plague of celeb-u-deaths has finally hit home. Since last week's edition, two more stars have fallen from the sky. Or possibly three, you never can tell with the damn Internet rumor mill. I'm going to go ahead and say four, that way this post will stay current for at least a couple of days.

Q: Could anything top the shock of losing Michael Jackson?

A: Sure. Probably a lot of things could. For example, none of us were ready for the tragic passing of Billy Mays. He will be missed, but his death is overshadowed by the loss of yet another star. I'm talking of course, about Karl Malden.

Karl Fucking Malden died this week.

At this point in the Q&A, I'm going to pause for a moment of silence, in observance of Mr Malden's passing. Please wait one minute before proceeding to the next question.

Q: Who is responsible for this epidemic of dead celebrities?

A: The answer should be more obvious than the flaws in your personality. Which country was in the news right before all these celebs started kicking the bucket? My theory is that covert Iranian operatives are killing off our entertainers to distract the media from that government's ongoing election crisis. If so, the plot succeeded well beyond their wildest expectations.
I killed Weird Al's parents.
That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. As you celebrate this Fourth of July weekend, please take time to remember the sacrifices made by brave Americans, like Karl Malden and Billy Mays. And please aim your fireworks away from the remaining celebrities.

Stay tuned for more safety precautions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Desecration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for stopping by. This week was sobering, to say the least. That's an unpleasant experience for anyone who spends as much time in a bottle as I do. It would seem that our b-list celebrities are dropping like flies. Protect Mr T! He's practically all we have left.

Q: Can you explain the arcane concept of "too soon?"

A: Certainly. Before the Internet was invented, people still had a measure of civility. Openly mocking the recently deceased was frowned upon in polite company. Thank the FSM that backwards age is finally behind us! Nowadays, mankind is free to mine the comedy gold that lies in the heart every tragedy.

Q: Is anything off limits?

A: You're only limited by your own boundaries of good taste, which I assume have been whittled down to nothing after years of reading this blog. A recent discussion in the PSAEF posited whether or not it was okay to make fun of Michael Jackson's passing. If you wouldn't hesitate to mock him during life, why stop now that he's dead? I'm sure he's way too busy diddling little kids in child-molester heaven to wreak any kind of post mortem vengeance upon you.

Q: Why have we become so desensitized?

A: This question can be debated endlessly, but my theory has to do with the volume of information that modern humans consume. We are bombarded by tragedy on a daily, often hourly basis. At some point, it becomes difficult to care about the latest celebrity to overdose in his mansion.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. Please forgive the morose overtones of this edition. I just find it bemusing when sainthood is bestowed upon fallen celebrities by the very same media that once vilified them. Let's hope we all find similar post mortem glory.
Except me because I'm a robot.
Stay tuned for more fatalistic prognostication from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Election

Greetings crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A, on what will no doubt be remembered as an important week in world history. I finally remembered to change my underwear! Also, there was some kind of protest in Iran. You may have noticed, as over two dozen discussion threads on Fark's main page have been devoted to the subject.

Q: Why should we care about the Iranian uprising?

A: The Iranians are a proud and brave people, with a rich history of using Photoshop. Fortunately, they aren't good enough at it to threaten my ego. You may remember this gem of propaganda from last year.


Somehow, a keen observer caught onto a few misplaced pixels in the above image. The Iranian regime was universally derided for the incident, but you have to give them credit for trying. After all, can you imagine the mockery that would have ensued if they had released the unedited version where the missile didn't fire?

Q: Did the Iranian Propaganda Ministry learn their lesson?

A: If they did, it sure wasn't a Photoshop lesson. In the past week, Iran's government has once again been busted for trying to pass off a doctored image. This time, they altered the crowd of a pro-Ahmadinejad rally to include more people.



As you can see, there are several things wrong with the image above. For example, they didn't add a Paint Huffer Guy, Ceiling Cat, or even a Mustard Man. In fact, you'll notice the distinct absence of any Fark cliches. Also, the circled areas are a dead giveaway. You hardly ever see enlargement bubbles IRL.

Q: Is Iran the first government to use Photoshop for propaganda purposes?

A: No more than I'm the first jackass to use a blog for narcissistic attention-whoring purposes. Image editing has long been used as a political tool. In the days before Twitspace and Facetube, dictators would often alter images for the sake of propaganda. Nowadays, governments continue to under-estimate the number of 'shoops we have whooped. Evidence can be seen in this image recently circulated by China.

As it turns out, antelope do not like the sound of noisy trains tearing through their breeding ground. But the Chinese government needed to make a point, and thus the photographer was "motivated" (either by electrodes or bullets) to create this rather dodgy composite image. China was able to save some face when the poor bastard was once again "motivated" to confess to the forgery. I'm not sure what happened to the antelope, but I imagine their carcasses were ground up to dilute the lead content of Chinese baby food.

That's all for this time, crickets and trolls. Thanks again for stopping by. Regardless of this new Iranian revolution's outcome, a watershed moment has been reached in the area of international relations. All across the world, people have followed the crisis in real time, while the MSM fumbled. The efforts of misinformation by President Ahmadinejad were quickly thwarted by diligent cyber citizens. I'm glad to see so many web communities come together for a common cause, regardless of whether or not they agree with me about Photoshop.

Stay tuned for more electronic solidarity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Progression

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It's always nice to see you, provided you're one of the few people who hasn't done something to get on my rather lengthy List of Enemies. If by some miracle you've managed to avoid my ire, pat yourself on the back. But be aware that I hate people who do that. You just made the List, fuckhead.

Q: How did you develop your Photoshop skills?

A: By thinking outside the box. Every time my thoughts begin to enter any sort of tetrahedron-styled structure, I immediately guzzle a large bottle of rot-gut tequila. Not only does this help with the creative process, it also enables me to communicate better with my family. If only they would tell me where they keep moving to.

Q: Who is the best Photoshopper?

A: I've always considered myself to be. Sure, some people might have more skill, but this is Fark we're talking about. Skills are definitely not a prerequisite for success in any contest. That's not to say our voters love crap, they just tend to favor the ability to conceptualize over the ability to polish an idea. The fact that they regularly vote for unedited images should give a clue that your performance is not being judged on the basis of ability.

Q: Why does anyone bother getting better at Photoshop?

A: Because votes are only a small part of the Fark experience. Most people do this because they enjoy it, so naturally they want to improve their skills. However, most fail to realize that voters don't necessarily reward skill. This leads to a lot of bitterness toward the less "serious" members of our community. Who, ironically, are the ones actually giving the audience what they want.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. My advice would be to strike a balance between skill and humor, thereby avoiding the trap of artistic malaise that seems to permeate our community. But given that you're a frequent visitor of the Clinic, not getting boogers on your Wacom is probably a more realistic goal.

Stay tuned for more diminished expectations from the Doctor!