Friday Q&A

Questionable Subtraction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I explore issues facing the Fark Photoshop community. Such past issues have included how awesome I am, and how much my enemies suck. The people must know!

Q: What happened to all the themes?

A: The powers that be in Farkland apparently are on a quest to give me something to bitch about. In the month that has been this year so far, we've had a shockingly small number of theme contests. It's unfortunate, because this more freestyle form of image mangling competition has been known to elicit some of the most perversely comedic entries from our community's denizens.

Q: What is the historic average for theme contest approval?

A: Finding out would require I do a bunch of tedious research, and we both know that isn't going to happen. Besides, there has never been a precise formula for the number of themes approved at any given time. It tends to vary based on the number of submissions, the administrator's mood, and the current lunar cycle. What I can tell you is that we used to have a lot more to work with. Back in the good old days (roughly six months ago), theme contests were much more abundant.

Q: Did the Lunar cycle change or something?

A: No, I'm pretty sure that would have caused more tidal waves. Instead, we appear to be on the cusp of a different cycle. Every few months, the flow of themes will slow to a trickle. This starts a chain reaction of whiny complaints and poorly-written blog postings. Eventually, the admins approve a few more contests. To date, this has provided me with enough fodder for a dozen posts on the subject.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As always, thanks for stopping by. Am I the only one who misses the Golden Age of multiple themes (mid 2009 to late mid 2009)? Hopefully, Fark's admins will wake up and let a few more into the queue.

Stay tuned for more wishful thinking from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

Questionable Suspension

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. Due to an unfortunate Internet outage yesterday, I was unable to post this column at its usual time. But thanks to an eight foot ladder and my neighbor's unsecured wifi hotspot, I'm back online and ready to take your questions.

Q: What's wrong with the Scrutinizer forums?

A: Mr Squirrel's forum, a haven for intelligent discourse since its inception, has been experiencing technical difficulties as of late. Posting there has been discontinued until repairs can be effected. This has actually been the case for a couple weeks now. Hopefully, things will be cleared up soon.

Q: Why didn't you bring this up last week?

A: Lack of information, which I'm afraid I still don't have. Mr Squirrel hasn't been around to answer questions for the last few months, so I only know what has previously been discussed in the PSAEF. When everything gets fixed, I'll be sure to post an update here.

Q: What happened to Mr Squirrel?

A: I have no idea. If he's anything like the other squirrels I've encountered, he may have trouble crossing the street without sustaining injury. It's also possible that our old friend has suffered the same fate as countless other Farkers, who are slowly drawn away by expanding professional and/or personal responsibilities. It's almost like there are more important things in life than Photoshopping. Of course, we all know that can't possibly be the case.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully the Scrutinizer forum crisis will be resolved soon. It's unfortunate to see a resource used by so many fall into such disrepair. Mr Squirrel's site has been a part of our community's infrastructure for longer than many can remember.

Stay tuned for more understatement of importance from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Compensation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I answer questions pertaining to the Fark Photoshop community. It's nice of you to join me for this third post of 2010. Get ready for the best decade ever! At least until the entire world is destroyed in 2012. Maybe if we start sacrificing virgins right now, the Mayan death gods will back off for a few more centuries. I'm totally in favor of this plan, even if it means losing most of the Clinic's reader base.

Q: Should Farkers be paid for their winning Photoshop entries?

A: This question comes up every now and then, seemingly more often during an economic downturn. I guess people are looking for ways to supplement their income without trying very hard. Certainly old moneybags Drew can share some of his Internet millions with the unwashed Fark masses. Is he so busy cleaning caviar stains off the upholstery of his Learjet that he fails to notice how truly unwashed the masses have gotten lately?

Q: Why is it a bad idea to offer rewards for Photoshopping?

A: It's not necessarily a bad idea. Many sites have implemented monetary rewards, after all. It's just a lousy idea for Fark. I don't know if you've noticed, but we have several contests post every day. Even if the reward was small, it would quickly become a financial sinkhole. Some people have suggested offering free TotalFark membership for winners. This too, is an idiotically shortsighted plan. Drew needs that five dollars a month from everyone. Learjet upholstery cleaner has gotten expensive since the economy went to shit.

Q: Wouldn't the addition of cash prizes attract more serious Photoshop participants?

A: Yes, and that's another huge problem with this idea. Drew doesn't have millions to spare attracting the top echelon of Photoshoppers. Even if he did, why the hell would he want to? So far, we've done a good job of avoiding the pretension that plagues many image mangling communities. Say what you will about the Golden Age, but Photoshop contests on Fark still brim with raw comedy whilst constantly attracting fresh faces. There is a level of accessibility that simply is not found elsewhere.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Don't worry about the looming threat of a Mayan apocalypse. I'm sure our government is taking steps, such as constructing subterranean fortresses with elaborate defensive grids to keep the unwashed rabble at bay.

Stay tuned for more security planning from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Publication

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It's nice of you to join me today. Here at the Picture Clinic, I pride myself on giving the readers what they desire. Lucky for me, most people just want self-important pap. We conducted a poll at one point. If I recall correctly, "self important pap" barely edged out "childish flame war."

Q: Have you read any good books lately?

A: No, but I'm about to. I recently came across SharedBook, a service that will print the contents of any blog in book form. Finally, I get my shot at being a published author! Never mind that there will only be one copy in existence, and I'll have to pay upwards of $100 for the hard-bound version. Also never mind that the auto-generated layout looks like something an ADD kid might throw together whilst waiting for his Ritalin to kick in.


Q: How many copies are you going to purchase?

A: How about none? The price those people are charging is ridiculously high. It would be much cheaper to put together something that I could print out at my leisure. Pretty much any copy shop is going to do a good enough job for much less than $100. I'll just have to make sure they don't use that shitty recycled paper. Nothing but the best for my manifesto!

Q: Why would anyone want to print out a blog?

A: This is the question I've been asking myself. I don't know if you've had time to peruse the entirety of the blogosphere, but very little exists in the way of meaningful content. Sure, there's a few witty, insightful blogs to be found, but the signal-to-noise ratio is all wrong. For every Picture Clinic, there's a hundred TFPSTCs. But then again, every pointless egotard creams at the idea of seeing his awkward prose immortalized in print. I know I do, at least. There might be a market for SharedBook yet.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Since this is only the second post of the new decade, I'll close it by reminding you to stick with your New Year's resolutions. Whether you pledged to lose weight or masturbate less, I think we can all agree that you could stand to do both.

Stay tuned for more accurate assessments from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Dehydration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the very first Clinic post of the new decade. I'm glad you survived last night's festivities. Unless you disagree with me, in which case I wish you had done the world a favor by finally drinking yourself to death. Just get it over with! At any rate, thanks for joining me.

Q: What were some of your greatest accomplishments in 2009?

A: I'm just happy to have spent another year hating everything in sight. At least, everything that disagrees with me. I also restored Cliche City, after it was briefly knocked offline by overzealous litigation. On top of all that, I still found time to constantly remind the readers of my superiority. It's a dirty job, but someone who is infinitely more intelligent than you has to do it.

Q: What are some of your resolutions for the new year?

A: Resolutions are for imperfect individuals. In my own sphere of consciousness, I see no need for improvement. In fact, the rest of the universe should aspire to be more like me. This world would be a much better place if only there were a few more egomaniacal pissants around to spew venomous bile.


Q: Do you have any plans for the Picture Clinic in 2010?

A: Plans are for thinkers. I'm a man of action, and I don't have time to sit around plotting my next move. Let future historians bicker over what the right strategy should have been. One thing I can guarantee: this blog will continue to stand as a beacon of hope and truth (assuming hope and/or truth do not countermand my opinions).

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I'm afraid this Q&A must be cut mercifully short so that I may attend to my raging hangover. I want to close my first post of the new year by wishing you happiness and prosperity throughout the next decade. Assuming you agree with me about Photoshop, of course.

Stay tuned for more conditional blessings from the Doctor!