Friday Q&A

Questionable Reanimation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Today marks an important milestone: it's the one year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. Didn't you ever see 1994's The Crow? So far, everything I learned from that movie has been true to life. Detroit is indeed a depressing shithole populated by roving gangs of drug-addled sociopaths. The subplot about crows bringing people back to life is bound to be accurate.

Q: Why bring back Michael Jackson?

A: I feel the Photoshop community has lost a very important cliche in the wake of Jacko's passing. Jokes about him are increasingly irrelevant. Future generations of kids won't even get the one about little boys pants being half off. They won't get molested by him, either, but it's kind of a shitty trade off when you think about it.

Q: What about Gary Coleman?

A: Oh, we're so bringing back Gary Coleman. The best thing about him is that if we pool our money, we'll probably be able to buy the remains from his wife. But first things first, we need to get our zombie Jacko up and moonwalking towards vengeance. Those paparazzi and quack medical practitioners aren't going to commit acts of brutally graphic, cinematic violence against themselves.

Q: Don't these celebrities deserve the peace of the grave?

A: If digging up dead celebrities is wrong, I don't want to be right. Besides, nobody was complaining when I dug up Farrah Fawcett earlier today. Granted, the security guards were on their lunch break. It's just too bad she was cremated. Whatever, I can still work with it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. As the self-proclaimed King of Hate Blogging, I hope at least one of you will heed this call to bring back the self-proclaimed King of Pop. Give a hoot, dig up Jacko's corpse! I've already trapped several crows for use in the ritual. I figured we might need a few practice birds, I haven't preformed black magic since high school.

Stay tuned for more avian experimentation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Electrocution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regularly occurring feature, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Admittedly, the issues are oftentimes only tangentially related. This week will prove to be no exception, thanks to an errant lightning bolt from the FSM.

Q: What happened to Touchdown Jesus?

A: I'm afraid he's with the 60 foot-tall angels now. The King of Kings, a gigantic statue of Christ located aside I-75 in Ohio, was destroyed by lightning earlier this week. It had been constructed in 2004, and was featured in this Fark contest from 2005.


Q: What kind of God would burn down his own statue?

A: The same God who created electricity and its various properties. "Touchdown Jesus," as the statue was so affectionately known, consisted of a steel frame wrapped in flammable material. Apparently, the word of the Lord doesn't mention anything about electrical conductivity.

Q: Has this event disproved God's existence?

A: Quite to the contrary! Taking out such an eyesore proves that the FSM is not only real, he also has a pretty good sense of aesthetics. I'm sure the burned-out husk is far more appealing to Interstate travelers. And, as previously mentioned, the entire construction was a six story high lightning rod located in a giant pool of water. It's a miracle no one was killed during the frequent baptisms that took place there.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by apologizing to the FSM, for ever doubting His awesome power. If I'd known He had such a great sense of humor, I'd have been going to church a long time ago. An act of God against an affront to God has to be the highest form of irony.

Stay tuned for more ungodly affronts from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Supervision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This award-eligible recurring feature takes a hard look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Consider this series an ongoing investigation into the subject of why I'm better than you. It's not just because I shower regularly, though that probably does play a factor.

Q: Which tutorials are best for a beginner?

A: One thing I never recommend is the use of tutorials. They tend to subtract fun and mystery from the learning process. Real PSers learn by doing. You might have several large, expensive books on the subject of Photoshop. Throw them away! You wasted your money there, my friend. You can't learn Photoshop by reading a bunch of words. Hell, I can't read at all. Over the years, I've paid a series of friends, relatives, caseworkers and homeless people to transcribe my various rantings.

Q: What's the best way to get good at Photoshop?

A: As previously stated, real Photoshoppers learn by doing. Explore your image editing program of choice. Use valuable resources like the PSAEF and nascent Misfit Squirrels forum to fill any gaps in your knowledge. This process, along with my meager eight years of art school, has served me extremely well.

Q: Why don't you offer more Photoshop tips?

A: Mostly, I don't want anyone to get better than me. It would take a long shot for something like that to happen, but I didn't get where I am by taking chances. Over the years, I've witnessed many cliché hacks develop into solid competitors. Remember the Golden Rule of Fark Photoshop: everyone is a threat to your vote average. I treat our mutual hobby as a gentleman's sport, but only if I'm guaranteed to win 100% of the time.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. Don't feel bad about my illiteracy. Nowadays, books are only for scientists and obese teenagers. I actually had a computer program at one point that would read words off the screen, but I had to terminate my PC before it became self-aware. The last time something like that happened in 1997, all of the world's nukes got launched. We simply can't afford for such a blunder to happen again. Do you know how expensive nukes are? Besides, some parts of Los Angeles still haven't been rebuilt from the last Judgment Day.

Stay tuned for more urban renewal from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Edification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature deals with issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me once again. I'm glad you're here! It's important to get your recommended daily allowance of venomous bile.

Q: Do you have any advice on how to get more votes?

A: The resurgence of an old PSAEF discussion has prompted me to share some observations I've made concerning Fark's inscrutable voting process. It may appear outwardly chaotic, but an undertow of very predictable patterns can be found just below the surface. Master them, and you're well on your way towards still being vastly inferior to me.

Q: What do the voters like?

A: Above all, they like to laugh. It's a fact that the majority of Farkers live woefully tedious lives. They aren't perusing these threads as part of an art history lesson, they just want a brief diversion from the horrors of daily life. This does a lot to explain why less complicated images frequently win. More often than not, voters will reward humor over technical skills.

Q: What do the voters dislike?

A: I'm afraid I simply haven't experienced enough failure to know what constitutes it. I tried my luck with some hastily thrown together entries, to no avail. Each craptacular image received hundreds of votes. Damn my considerable talent! You'll just have to look towards your own body of work to determine what the voters don't like.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I've long considered Fark voters relatively easy to please. Good concepts will always be rewarded, as will pop culture references and tasteless humor. Fine art is also appreciated, but has to be technically impressive to stand out from a field of dick and fart jokes.

Stay tuned for more conceptual advice from the Doctor!