Friday Q&A

Questionable Education

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me once again. If you're new to the Clinic, this weekly feature explores issues of interest to Fark's Photoshop community. As a common courtesy, I ask that all newcomers click the Paypal "donate" button and contribute some funds towards the upkeep of this blog. Give whatever you're comfortable with. Any amount of money is fine, assuming it can be quantified as a shitload.

Q: Why should people listen to you?

A: For starters, I'm always right, 100% of the time. This fact alone puts me head and shoulders above the now-deceased competition. A wise man was once quoted as saying, "the Doctor is a brilliant genius." I forget who said that, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. I usually don't describe myself without using the word "godlike."

Q: What makes you so smart?

A: It's not so much that I'm smart (though I totally am, don't think for a second that I'm not). It's that everyone else is so very, very stupid. That is by no means an insult to you personally. I'm sure you serve your purpose admirably. Stupid people are a valuable commodity, and have their place in any functioning society. Why do you think so many stores sell extended warranties?

Q: How can I get smarter?

A: I'm afraid that would be impossible. It's a sad fact that ignorance can never be fully cured. Even if it could, who would want to do such a thing? Someone has to buy all those extended warranties, and it sure as hell isn't going to be me. Most people seem happy enough being stupid. I, for one, am glad their ranks are so abundant.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this look into the many stupid aspects of the human condition. I think you'll find it goes a long way towards explaining quite a few of life's mysteries, especially the voting outcome of many Fark Photoshop contests.

Stay tuned for more intellectual certitude from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Speculation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature takes a hard look at Fark's Photoshop community. You might not always agree with me, but that's probably just because you're an ignorant prick with wrong opinions. Don't despair! By carefully following my instructions, you can be an ignorant prick with all the correct opinions.

Q: How have you been keeping track of your stats?

A: I've had to get creative since the demise of the Scrutinizer. It's funny how just a bit of code can mean the difference between a Golden Age at Fark and the current Photoshop Dark Age. At least until the new archive site is complete, we're on our own to determine whether or not we're superior to our fellow PSers.

Q: What calculations do you use?

A: Personally, I'm not much of a math guy. The fun of image mangling comes crashing down for me when I have to put two and two together (damn that number 22). I used the Scrutinizer more as an online portfolio than as a tool for statistical analysis. The appeal in obsessing about one's vote average has always been lost on me.

Q: Then how do you know if you're better than anyone?

A: I already know I'm better than everyone when I wake up in the morning (or mid afternoon as the case may be). I'm more concerned with losing track of which contests I've entered. That's why I'm glad Fark includes the profile option to automatically favorite threads you post in.


This option doesn't really work if you regularly post in non-Photoshop threads. So do the honorable thing and stick to trolling Youtube, at least until the new archive site is online. Or hold your breath and wait for Drew to incorporate Scrutinizer functionality into our Fark profiles.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Since the current Dark Age of Photoshop has left us without proper stats to compare, I'm praying that no arguments break out. There would be no way to tell which side has the most wins or higher vote average (and is therefore correct).

Stay tuned for more ambiguous victories from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reconstruction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a hard look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. It's a dirty job, but someone who is always right (and also a genius) has to do it. Now if you'll excuse me, those issues aren't going to take a hard look at themselves.

Q: Is the Scrutinizer still offline?

A: Unfortunately, it looks like the Scrutinizer is going to stay broken. As mentioned in a previous Q&A, Mr Squirrel's formerly indispensable site has fallen into serious disrepair. It really is the end of an era. The loss of such a valuable resource is bad enough, but I'm even more disappointed at losing the man himself. Mr Squirrel's skills and generosity were far more valuable than a hundred archive sites and forums combined. He'll always be welcome in our community, should he ever decide to return.

Q: What about the replacement site?

A: The currently unnamed replacement project was unveiled on Friday to much fanfare. Special thanks to Farker ballchain for setting things up. It might not be much to look at right now, but the design is at least on par with some of the early incarnations of the Picture Clinic. Check it out here if you haven't already.

Q: How does it compare to the Scrutinizer?

A: The fact that it works at all is a massive improvement. Beyond that, things are still taking shape. From what I understand, the finished product will boast more accurate stat tracking than the Squirrel site. Thanks again to ballchain for setting up the next generation of Photoshop archival and analysis.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by reminding you that the Picture Clinic's third anniversary is less than a month away. It seems like only 1064 days ago that I set out to slay the demons of ignorance and hubris, which had infested Fark's Photoshop community. I have no idea whether or not I was successful, but the sheer force of my effort is proof enough that I am genius with God-like power.

Stay tuned for more forceful reckoning from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Continuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm back from my vacation to the glorious worker's paradise of Puerto Rico. It turns out they actually have a pretty close relationship with the US. Enough to fully comply with requests for extradition, anyway. Take that, Communism!

Q: Is it the end of an era?

A: Apparently so. This was the news I returned home to, anyway. You never want eras to change when you're out of the country. At some point, most likely when I was hunched over the guardrail of a cruise liner hurling crab Rangoon into international waters, the Photoshop Scrutinizer stopped working. Whilst this may come as no surprise to anyone who has been monitoring the status of that site, it was still a rude awakening to the general public.

Q: How long has the Scrutinizer been having problems?

A: I don't fully recall when the first problems started to appear over at Mr Squirrel's venerable site. At some point, the contest dates stopped being recorded, and comparative stats have been offline for a while now. Bugs aside, the Scrut had continued to chug along with limited functionality until earlier this month. What changed is anyone's guess, but it would seem there's only a matter of time before the last gasp of that long-suffering resource.

Q: Should we despair?

A: No. As a matter of fact, don't. This is the kind of problem that basically resolves itself, at least after the courageous efforts of heroic individuals. Not being any of those things (especially not an individual, damn you Dissociative Identity Disorder) I'm sitting this one out. I do, however, offer my sincere thanks to the person working on a replacement site. Without people like this, our humble tradition of privately mocking each other's low voting average could easily come to a close.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. It's sad to see a celebrated part of our community like the Scrutinizer fall into disrepair. A process which, compared to the relatively quick death of the Honor Roll, has been agonizingly painful. I guess losing an archive site is like ripping off a band-aid. Though as a medical practitioner, I always caution my patients against removing their bandages, at least until I have a chance to speak with my lawyer.

Stay tuned for more possible negligence from the Doctor!

Independence Day Q&A

Questionable Expatriation

Greeting, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special July Fourth edition of the Q&A. Independence Day is the time of year when all Americans come together to celebrate our nation's founding. The sentiment is generally accomplished by setting off low-grade explosives and discounting the price of retail merchandise. Join me this week, as I take a look at what it means to be an American.

Q: Why is the Fourth of July such a special day to Americans?

A: July Fourth commemorates the date in 1976 when our Founding Fathers dumped tea into the Boston harbor, single-handedly liberating the entire country from oppressive British rule. To honor the day, America was founded. This came as a relief to the Founding Fathers, who had been wondering why people kept calling them that. Our brave new nation was forged on the principle of freedom from such tyrannical British practices as public healthcare, driving on the wrong side of the road, and drinking room temperature beer.

Q: How do you celebrate the Fourth?

A: I used to create my own fireworks display every year, using simple household chemicals. Unfortunately, since the implementation of certain government surveillance programs, procuring the proper ingredients can be difficult without landing yourself on the no-fly list. That's why this year, I took the occasion to travel overseas.

Q: Why did you leave the country?

A: What better way to celebrate the birth of America than by getting the hell out of it? Don't get me wrong, I love this country as much as the next guy. I wear the same American flag boxer shorts 365 days a year. Occasionally over my pants, if I have to dress myself in a hurry. But there comes a time when partisan bickering grows tiresome. People should spew their bile about things that matter, like Fark Photoshop contests. That's why I escaped the USA, seeking refuge in the glorious Communist paradise of Puerto Rico. With any luck, Fidel Castro will cede power to me in a bloodless coup.

That's all for this time, patriotic reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you have a great Fourth of July, unless you disagree with me, in which case please disregard any warning labels printed on your fireworks. It's perfectly acceptable to light bottle rockets inside the house.

Stay tuned for more safety instructions from the Doctor!