New Year's Q&A

Questionable Evolution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the last Clinic post of the year. I sure picked a hell of a week to go on vacation. I returned to discover Fark management had instituted a change in the voting procedure. Entries can now be judged on two purportedly different criteria: "best" and "funniest".

Q: How were the new changes received?

A: A quick straw poll of the PSAEF saw the new system being almost universally panned. What can I say, Photoshoppers don't like change. I changed my underwear once, and it was awful. When it comes to deviating from a system that has worked perfectly well since forever, the general response among PSers was something akin to this:



Q: Is the concern warranted?

A: I tend to think so. There have always been two camps among Photoshoppers, call them the "skills" set and the "silly" set. For as long as anyone can remember, the two groups have openly argued about the essence of Fark Photoshop. Should humor prevail, or should a well-made entry win the day in votes? This new change is an obvious kowtow to both camps, whilst simultaneously doing each of them a disservice.

Q: How are both sides poorly served by this new system?

A: I tend to think of Fark contests like what the Academy Awards would be like, if whatever current weepy Oscar-bait had to compete against a Youtube clip of a guy getting hit in the nuts. The Oscar-bait had to be that much better than the nut shot was funny, if it wanted to win. Now the serious and funny pics are no longer in contention with each other. It may seem like apples an oranges to some of you, but I believe the two sides drove each other more than we actually realize.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. We'll just have to wait and see how the new system works out. Maybe the powers the be will see reason, and mercifully return us to the old way of voting. Maybe not. I'll continue to follow how the situation evolves. Thanks again for stopping by, and happy new year to you. I hope the Photoshop Gods (or God if you're a Photoshop monotheist) smile upon you in 2012.

Stay tuned for more blasphemous blessings from the Doctor!

Yuletide Q&A

Questionable Cancellation

Greetings, crickets and elves. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of the Q&A. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. I'm on vacation this week and won't be taking any questions. I hope this season finds you with all the warmth and joy you so richly deserve. Join me next week for my final post of 2011.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Legislation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues pertaining the the world of Fark Photoshop. As we wind down to the end of the year, we arrive at the time when American lawmakers try to push through draconian legislation in the hopes everyone is too drunk on eggnog to notice. This year, they're proffering a particularly shitty bill called SOPA, the Stop Online Piracy Act.

Q: What does this proposed measure do?

A: As is my understanding, SOPA would give the copyright gestapo carte blanche to kick your door in and drag you off to jail in the dead of the night, after shooting your dog because it barked at them. If you do not own a dog, one will be provided for you and shot at your expense. All this because a Prince song could heard playing in the background of a Youtube video you uploaded.

Q: How will SOPA effect Photoshopping?

A: Given that some jerkoff can claim ownership of every single image on the Internet, I'd say it's bound to effect us eventually. Look at the trouble Grampy got into with the owner of the Fark Squirrel. Now imagine that multiplied by a thousand, with each of us facing real prison time for each offense.

Q: How can we stop SOPA?

A: It's sad to say, but we probably can't. There are powerful forces at work trying to push this through, the same forces who have bought our congressmen and corrupted the system with their influence. My advice is to get the hell out of America before it completely transforms into a fascist police state of corporate rule. Don't bother trying Canada, it's just destined to become a fascist police state that smells like maple syrup. Mexico seems tempting, but it's gotten awful murder-y lately with all those drug cartels. In truth, most of the world is either too squalid, or poised to enact similar freedom-crushing legislation. I'll report back with more suitable potential escape locations as I uncover them.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want you to know that I intend to keep Cliche City going, despite this threatening legislation. It's an important resource for our community, and I'll be damned if I let some bureaucrats take it offline. Should it ever disappear, check this blog for details on how to find it.

Stay tuned for more civil disobedience from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Ingratiation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. The holiday season is once again upon us, and you're no doubt scrambling to get on Santa's good list after a year of evil deeds and fuckery. It's something I've become quite adept at in my lifetime. Luckily, I'm more than happy to share a few techniques to help gloss over your own misdeeds.

Q: How did you know about my misdeeds?

A: I'm a blogger, it's my job to know these things. And also to blog, but thankfully that part doesn't come up nearly as much as the fun stuff like watching people through telescopes and combing through their garbage. The trash from an average household contains a wealth of information and potentially even some coffee filters with a few uses left.

Q: How can I smooth things over with Santa?

A: This is a tough one. Santa isn't like God, where you can casually disregard the rules as long as you say you're sorry at some point. Santa doesn't understand prayers and platitudes. He only speaks two languages: milk and cookies. The ratio is 3 ounces of milk and one gram of cookie for each misdeed. And don't try to fake him out with some store bought crap. Those better be homemade cookies and whole milk, none of that low fat or 2% shit.

Q: What if I'm not Christian?

A: Boy, are you in trouble. Don't let Santa find out. I've never understood the purpose of religions that don't turn the celebration of their savior's birth into a chintzy commercialized festival of gluttony. What's the point? All that time spent praying could better used for standing in front of big box electronics stores in hopes of getting a cheap TV. If you picked one of the boring non-gift regions, you're on your own.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, you'll find a way to get on Santa's good side. And don't worry. There's still several more days left to be bad before you'll need to seriously think about seeing the error of your ways.

Stay tuned for more delayed absolution from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Incantation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, your source for all the hearsay and conjecture that's fit to print. Like a lot of bloggers, I long ago realized that the truth is what I make it. But unlike a lot of bloggers, I know you're not interested in whether or not I cut the crust off my peanut butter sandwiches (yes), or what my position on government is (burn it). So I try to stay on target as much as possible without getting bogged down with a bunch of talk about my day (it was lovely, thanks for asking).

Q: How can I win at Photoshop?

A: Throughout the years, many have sought to give themselves a competitive edge in Fark.com's Photoshop contests. What some might call "practice" and "effort", I call blatant cheating. If one person actually spends time working on their entry, then we'll all have to start doing it. Thankfully, these busybodies are rarely rewarded for their actions. They are usually the ones you see crying over their hard work going ignored.

Q: Doesn't practice breed perfection?

A: Indeed it does, but perfection does not necessarily guarantee success, especially in the shoot from the hip world of Fark Photoshop. There, it's not so much about dazzling the voters with your skills, it's more about creating a connection with them. This is why references to cliches do so well. People say "I remember that" and vote for it. Not a glamorous path to victory, but Fark contests are one of the few places where the ends justify the means. Or in this case, the memes.

Q: How can I shed unwanted perfection?

A: This is the hard part. I suggest lots of rot-gut liquor to calm your nerves. If you're still having problems, your best bet is going to be some kind of voodoo and/or hoodoo. The Black Arts are not usually used for self-sabotage, but it should work in a pinch. You don't have to sacrifice a chicken, but keep in mind that there are plenty of image manglers unafraid to spill some blood, especially if it gives them a better chance of attaining a brief moment of recognition in a Fark contest.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this quick primer on how to possibly gain a slight edge at Photoshop, whilst simultaneously losing all self-respect, which I think we can agree is a creative barrier that simply must be knocked down. Possibly by calling upon cheap spirits or dark forces who could potentially devour your immortal soul. Assuming such things actually exist.

Stay tuned for more arcane superstition from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Jollification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome a special after thanksgiving edition of the Q&A. I'm thankful you stopped by, provided you agree with me and never question my opinions. Thanksgiving has to be one of the greatest holidays ever conceived, after Christmas, Halloween, President's Day, Vice-President's Day, and the Day of the Dead.

Q: Why doesn't the rest of the world celebrate Thanksgiving?

A: True to form, the rest of the world continues to spit in the face of the USA. Who are they to question the actions of our brave Pilgrims, who fought and died so that you could eat a disproportionately large amount of turkey? Someone should get a petition together and make the rest of the world start celebrating Thanksgiving. These colors don't run. We should also sue Canada for holiday infringement because of their ripoff Thanksgiving in October.

Q: Can you share the story of the first Thanksgiving?

A: This really is the kind of thing they should be teaching you in school. But very well. Once upon a time, the Pilgrims set sail for the new world. They had big dreams of forging a new way of life in the harsh wilderness. Where everyone would be free to be forced to worship their scowling interpretation of the Lord. Life was hard in the New World, and the first year took a heavy toll on these devoutly religious new citizens. Luckily some friendly Indians invited the Pilgrims into their casino and taught them the mysteries of planting corn (you have to bury the seeds and pour water on them). The Pilgrims were forever grateful, and responded by going on to only decimate most of the native population.

Q: What about Black Friday?

A: Black Friday nicely balances the sappy goodwill and togetherness of Thanksgiving with some good old fashioned elbowing and Grandma face-punching. A holiday wherein poorly manufactured electronics are priced so low that people injure each other in an attempt to secure the items for purchase. Nothing could be more American than that. The annual trampling and maiming deaths are just part of circle of me getting a cheap laptop.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Now that we've gotten Thanksgiving and Grandma Trampling Day out of the way, I'm looking forward to beginning the Christmas season in earnest. It's time to put my time saving plan of having left the decorations up all year long into play.

Stay tuned for more holiday efficiency from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reorganization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly look into the world of Fark Photoshop through the lens of a clearly insane person has been a fixture in our community for several years. This week, I'll be taking a look at the preliminary effectiveness of some recent changes made to the contest structure.

Q: How much do you hate the changes?

A: I'm actually pretty fond of them. That might seem illogical, for as a blogger I am sworn to hate everything. However, the scheduling changes needed to be made. Creating persistent time slots for the contests to go live has given the queue a bit of stability that it had been lacking in recent years.

Q: Has participation increased?

A: Looking for some kind of skyrocketing increase this early on in the implementation would be ridiculous. These are the kind of changes that take years to show actual growth. What I'm looking for, realistically, is any sign of leveling off to the decline in participation we had previously been experiencing. Turnout seems to be fairly consistent throughout the week, with it occasionally spiking for a particularly good contest or dipping for a lousy one. So far, it looks as if there's no true "best" time slot, but you still don't want to get stuck going live on the weekend, especially Sunday.

Q: How can we shore up the weekend losses?

A: There are two barriers to our success: the standard work week and organized religion, especially the ones who pester their respective sky wizards on Sunday. People aren't viewing contests on the weekend, because they are home from work and doing other things that interest them (numismatism, kite flying, building mоdels of 16th century prisons, reenacting The Great Gatsby with an all squirrel cast, praying to various sky wizards, etc). So, all we need to to is tear down any and all institutions of organized religion, and destroy all forms of leisure activity. Don't worry, there will be plenty of time to mess around with Photoshop when you're supposed to be working.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'll be closely watching the contests over the next few months to see if these scheduling changes bear fruit. Unless I get distracted by other leisure activities (historical recreation, wine tasting, macrame, glue sniffing, taxidermy. etc). We'll just have to see.

Stay tuned for more potential distractions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Sensation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues related to Fark's Photoshop community. This time, I'll be giving you a rare inside look at my creative process. Be warned, you might not want to look directly at my creative process, in fact you'd be well served in shielding your eyes like you would during an eclipse.

Q: Do you use a Wacom or a mouse?

A: Any serious Photoshopper will tell you that a Wacom stylus is a necessity for image mangling. This is because most serious Photoshoppers have been paid off by the Wacom corporation to help move several warehouses filled with unsold Bamboo Funs. No one wants to tell the ugly truth: your newly-purchased Wacom will most likely gather dust, while you continue to use the mouse. Or trackball, if you're stuck in 1993.

Q: What use are Wacoms best suited for?

A: Like I already said, they have a flat surface that's great for gathering dust. And the stylus pen is small enough that it will easily become lost in between the times that you actually use it. I have made good use of mine for detail work, but the process of retraining my hand to use the stylus instead of the mouse was something that I never took to.

Q: What is the future of Photoshop peripheral devices?

A: Hopefully not stuff that requires you to use your hands like a cavemen. There are many technologies currently in use by disabled people that could be easily repurposed for individuals who are just really, really lazy. I'm eager to see what the future brings. Unless it brings stuff like authoritarian police states and robotic overlords. In which case I will likely throw my disused Wacom at them whilst I attempt a courageous retreat.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this excitingly informative look at the world of Photoshopping peripherals. Maybe it will inspire you to dust off that old trackball, or to pour dust onto your Wacom. Be forewarned, doing so most likely voids the warranty.

Stay tuned for more maintenance suggestions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Rejuvenation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special after-Halloween edition of the Q&A. This week, we're going to play a fun game called "don't agitate the Doctor's hangover". The festivities for last week's celebration were a complete success. A little bit too much of a success. I've decided to stay in bed until Thanksgiving arrives, and I can hopefully get some decent cobbler.

Q: Why do people drink so much on Halloween?

A: That holiday suffers from the law of diminishing returns once you start to get older. Tons of free candy doesn't seem like enough of a justification to don a cheap mask made from lead-bearing extruded plastic. Especially when all of the candy comes in so-called "fun size", which is apparently less than a third of normal size. As we grow into adults, it becomes a game of consuming large amounts of alcohol and leering at women in overtly-sexual costumes. Still sub par compared to the prospect of free candy, but it's a start.

Q: How do you get rid of a hangover?

A: Hangovers rarely strike me due to my intense medical training and knowledge of human physiology. I know, for example, that a woman's menstrual cycle is actually a sign of demonic possession. I know that laughter is the best medicine, after Vicodin. I know to drink somewhere between zero to 100 glasses of water a day. And most importantly, I know that if you have a headache THIS BIG, it has Excedrin written all over it. Or more likely, some horrible store brand knockoff that tastes like chalk.

Q: Does binge drinking help your creative process?

A: As a Photoshopper, I'm always looking for new ways to get my creative mojo working. My years spent as a medical professional have taught me that the human brain is a complex and beautiful thing, which needs to be drowned in mind-numbing intoxicants at all times. It's bound to give you a few good ideas, but I would strongly recommend you suppress any impulses to punch cops and eat at Arby's. That never ends well.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It looks like I've got a lot of work ahead of me if I want to get my place cleaned up in time for next year's Halloween. Actually, I might leave things the way they are until I can borrow a ladder to get those puke stains off the ceiling.

Stay tuned for more home improvements from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

Questionable Zombification

Greetings, cadavers and ghouls. Welcome to a special Saturday Halloween edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by, you can help me barricade the windows and doors in case of a zombie attack. The zombie apocalypse is something that every homeowner should be prepared for. In today's Q&A, I'll be giving you some helpful tips on how to survive in a grim dystopia where the survivors envy the dead. If you live in Detroit, you might also find it helpful.

Q: Why would you want to survive a zombie attack?

A: Good question! After all, the idea of eternally walking the Earth to feast on the living seems downright appealing. To me at least. But you have to remember that after a while, most of the humans will be eaten. Zombies will be forced to subsist off a diet of cable news anchors and "reality" television stars. But for a few pockets of humanity, survival brings the promise of looted treasure and plenty of free parking. Plus the option of burning whole cities to the ground based entirely on having had a bad layover there once.

Q: How should I protect my home against a zombie attack?

A: A home is no good. You'll be a sitting duck there. What you need is a good survival shelter. You want to build your zombie survival shelter right next to one used by the elderly, infirm, pregnant or handicapped. The zombies will hopefully be distracted by these easy targets long enough for you to effect a courageous retreat. In the event that no one is available to distract the zombies, try building your shelter precariously atop a flagpole. In all the movies I've ever seen, not one zombie has ever climbed a flagpole.

Q: What if I get bitten?

A: BOOM! Headshot. But if I get bitten, it's a completely different story. This is another area where I differ with conventional horror films. Why do wounded characters always seem to insist on being shot before they turn? Being shot hurts way less after you've changed into a zombie than it does beforehand. And if you wait until I turn, you might as well let me go be a zombie with the rest of zombie society. Changes to my blog would barely be noticeable.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. And in the event that zombies actually do attack one day, I promise to carry the torch of mankind's legacy into the new era. As long as it isn't too heavy, or if I need room in my looted car for all the stuff I'm looting.

Stay tuned for more post-apocalyptic looting from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Horrification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As I'm sure you're aware, Halloween is just a few days away. This spooky season has always been my favorite part of the year, mainly since it's the only time when my outdoor holiday decorations that I refuse to take down are relevant. Though the lights do work just as well at Christmas.

Q: Why do you like Halloween so much?

A: It's one of those holidays that remind me of when I was a kid. I'll bet you can't name another holiday wherein anyone can don a crudely fashioned costume and impersonate a child for the purpose of getting candy. Never mind the awkward moment when someone notices there's a bit too much hair on the knuckles of that hand holding a trick or treat bag.

Q: Isn't trick or treating for kids?

A: Yeah, kids of all ages. The older you get, the more candy you can haul. Here's a tip, try working a car into your costume so you can use it to carry excess loot. For example, you could say you're the Headless Horseman for the 21st century prior to suffering the decapitation that earned his moniker. Or you could say you're a Transformer in vehicle mоde, that way you don't even have to get out of the car.

Q: Why not just buy candy from the store?

A: I'm going to pretend you didn't ask something so stupid. Or actually, I'm going to mock you for it a bit more. BUY candy? From a STORE? Have you seen how bad the economy is? Halloween is my chance to score enough provisions to last until Thanksgiving. Then I can subsist off of fun size Snickers and Zagnut bars.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Remember, it's never too early to start trick or treating. I've been doing it myself since September. Join me next week, when I'll be offering more tips to have a spooktacular Halloween! Or I might just move on to something else, since this holiday is advertised far enough in advance that most people are sick of it by that time it actually arrives.

Stay tuned for more Christmas fun from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Prognostication

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you took the time to join me again. Each week, I examine various issues that are occasionally of interest to Photoshoppers of Fark.com. The elite cadre of image manglers who choose to push pixels for that site are some of the best people the Internet has to offer. We often wonder what the future holds for our community, so this week I'm going to use the power of my superior intellect to forecast, nay dictate what is to come.

Q: What is to come?

A: Examining the current trend of incremental reduction amongst contest participants would lead one to believe that we will continue to see a decline in entries per year. However, there has to be a point where it levels out. Otherwise we would eventually just be a handful of people entering contests, with masses of empty threads unchristened by any Photoshopper. I have yet to see a contest go live with zero TF entries, and even in low volume threads the Liters always pick up the slack.

Q: What about the current scheduling effort?

A: The current policy amongst Fark's administrators of keeping the contests to a schedule is probably the most ambitious effort made on their part thus far to breathe life into our community. It can be argued that it's a bit too little too late, but I'm just happy to see the gears are turning. I believe that if kept up, it might just turn the tide. However, it's going to take a long time to see actual results.

Q: What will we do in the meantime?

A: The same thing we always do. Either bitch about the decline of Fark or rigidly defend it. At no point should either side consider the points made by the other. Remember, this is the Internet, where opinions do battle on a glorious field of misinformation. I doubt that Fark itself has much to fear, as the community seems to be self-sustaining. Declining percentages mean nothing to me when I can still browse a contest thread and get the same amount of enjoyment as I did in previous years.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this look into the future. Feel free to refer back to it later on to see how right I was. I feel confident enough making these predictions, as we already know the world is set to be destroyed by the Mayan death gods in 2012, if that John Cusack movie I only saw the previews for was any indicator. So we really only have to make it another year or so.

Stay tuned for more certain demise from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Incrementation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues pertaining to the Photoshop community at Fark.com. It's my way of giving back, without expending serious effort or relinquishing anything of actual value.

Q: Has contest participation begun to improve?

A: As you might already know, Fark's administrators recently began a policy of keeping the Photoshop contest live times on a more rigid schedule. The question is, will giving Photoshoppers a bit more scheduling consistency actually translate to higher participation? According to stats courtesy of Misfit Squirrels, the number of entries per year has been falling steadily since 2004. I expect the overall number of entries to fall for 2011 as well, given the powers that be waited until the late part of the year to attempt any changes.

Q: Why did they wait so long?

A: This is the question I've been asking my self. We've all been aware of the falling participation for years now, the entirety of several whiny blogs having been devoted to the subject. Why are the admins only just now waking up to this fact? And why did it seem like they were absolutely determined in previous years to put the best contests at the worst times of day?

Q: Why do you find this to be so hilarious?

A: Because none of us know what we want. We complain about people posting too many entries per contest in one breath, and complain about the number of entries per year falling in the next. We haughtily recall the good old days, when we should be reaching out to new users. All while the people in charge sit on their hands until the last minute, and then hope a stopgap solution will act as a panacea.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I sincerely hope that the new measures put in place will serve to draw in more participants to our community. However, I see no immediate change. This is unfortunate, because if this is the kind of gradual, incremental change that you never notice happening, it's bound to have lost my attention by the time it does any good.

Stay tuned for more attention dysfunction from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Regimentation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to yet another informative edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again. In last week's post, I outlined some upcoming changes to the way Fark does Photoshop contests. Normally, the very suggestion of such an idea would be enough to send our community into full-on red alert crisis mode. Luckily, the dumber proposals seem to have died quietly during the course of discussion.

Q: Which ideas didn't make it?

A: The general consensus amongst Photoshoppers, when asked how they would feel about only getting two contests a day, was a resounding "OH HELL NAW." Well, message received on the part of the management. We appear to be staying at three contests a day for now. Likewise, the brilliant suggestion to give Liters early access to the contest images (effectively nullifying TotalFark), does not appear to be getting off the ground any time soon. That idea has been floated by a few of my fellow Photoshoppers, but didn't seem to get much traction with the powers that be. Not surprisingly, Drew doesn't want to fuck with the way his site makes money.

Q: What kind of schedule are the contests sticking to?

A: Live times are being kept to what is assumed to be peek hours. Under this new schedule, a contest will appear on the main Fark page at 9 am, 1 pm, and 5 pm est. Management theorizes that keeping a stricter schedule will draw in more participants. I will agree that the random timing of contests in the past was annoying, and may have contributed to the decline in voter turnout. It's too soon to know if this new strategy will work, but I'm sure the next few weeks of contests will be closely monitored for any kind of statistical change.

Q: Can you see any problems with this plan?

A: The only problem I can see is that not everyone who Photoshops on Fark is physically located in the Eastern time zone. We are, in fact, scattered across globe. The new changes won't have full effect on anyone located elsewhere, apart from giving them that consistency I keep reading is so important. I thought it was only good for your shit, but apparently Photoshop, too. Perhaps the admins should consider a high fiber diet.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad the powers that be are taking an interest in improving our community. Only time will tell if their methods will bear fruit. On an unrelated note, the phrase "bear fruit" horrifies me, as it combines the two things I hate most in this world: bears and fruit.

Stay tuned for more unsettling idioms from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reduction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to a brand new edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by. As you well know, this blog is a paragon of informative information. But what you might not know is how many awards I've given myself for writing it. The answer is seven.

Q: Should the number of contests per day be reduced?

A: I strongly disagree with proposed plans to reduce the number of contests from three a day to two. Regardless of whether or not the amount of entries in an average contest has decreased, you aren't going to get more participation by making the playground smaller. Try approving contest ideas that haven't been done before. I see so many recasts of old themes that Fark is starting to remind me of Worth1K. Given the large variety of what typically gets submitted to the queue, I find this unacceptable.

Q: Should contest times be standardized?

A: Another proposal involves limiting the contests to specific time slots. The idea being that giving everyone some consistency might spur the creative process. After all, remember what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "inconsistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." Or maybe it was the other way around. I always get confused and start thinking about the Spiderman villain. As for the idea itself, I have my doubts. Photoshopping, at least for me, is a highly organic process. It defies all attempts at regimentation. Posting the contests at recurring times may get a few people's attention, but if the times are not carefully chosen, we run the risk of not being noticed at all.

Q: Should Liters be able to see the contest pics in advance?

A: Hell no. Why don't we all just live in a big hippie commune? Groovy, man. Hug a rainbow. All this would do is further erode the boundaries between TotalFark and FarkLite. We need those boundaries. They're like the big iron gates that keep all those smelly poor people out of my neighborhood. Furthermore, I don't think it would do much good. There really aren't that many Liters who are serious enough to give a fuck about seeing the pictures in advance. If they wanted to see the O's early, getting TotalFark would be an easy thing for pretty much anyone who isn't currently living under a bridge to afford. I just don't think Liters care much about working on something before the contest goes live. They've had access to the themes in advance for years now, and I seldom if ever see Liter work that looks as if any amount of time was spent on it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad the powers that be have taken an interest in improving our community. However, their logic seems spotty to me in more than a few places. When I see a contest I don't like, I don't enter it. Giving us fewer options means fewer decisions, and less overall participation. Selecting specific time slots for the contests might work, but any miscalculation may do more harm than good. And whilst many of my friends think giving the non-paying members better access would improve participation, I'm of the opinion that most Liters are playing the game differently than TFers. They play for fun, not necessarily to win. The fact that they can do this and still occasionally come out on top is a testament to everything I love about the Fark PS community.

Stay tuned for more optimistic elitism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Pollution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again. Each week, I demonstrate my intellectual superiority by examining some of the issues faced by Fark's Photoshop community. I do it because I care, and also am always right. Sharing my gift with the world is my gift to the world. Don't try returning it for something you actually want, I didn't save the receipt.

Q: Is there such a thing as too much Photoshop?

A: Some people will certainly tell you there is. There are those who would advise you not to enter every contest, or only post one entry per contest, and a variety of other dumb ideas that limit creativity. I try to maintain the perspective that we're doing this to have a good time, not create the next art exhibition. I won't begrudge anyone for getting a bit trigger happy and posting multiples.

Q: What about the overall quality of the contests?

A: The fact is that a bunch of low quality entries don't decrease the overall quality of the contests one bit. Quite the contrary, they are desperately needed to make the good stuff look better. The fact is that we are creating threads to entertain bored people on the Internet. The more entries, the better. I'm pretty sure people would be way less impressed with a thread if it only contained the top 10. Then they would view the entries quickly, and leave the thread. Pretty much the opposite of what you want to happen, especially if you like getting votes.

Q: What if my idea is used by someone posting multiples?

A: Then you probably had a pretty crappy idea. It was obvious enough for someone to think of something similar, so the amount of time you potentially would have worked on it would be better spent on something that's actually clever. Whether or not the person in question posted a bunch of other stuff is completely immaterial. Don't blame someone else for your lack of creativity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thank again for stopping by. I maintain that Fark's contests are better served by having a wide variety of both low and high quality work. To this end, it's important not to make people feel like they have to limit themselves. Let every Fartist (new term, feel free to use it, but I get 10% royalties) spread his or her creative wings.

Stay tuned for more trite imagery from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Delineation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm glad you joined me again for another strikingly informative edition of the Friday Q&A. If you're a newcomer to the Clinic, each week I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Whenever possible, lay the blame solely where it belongs: on the reader.

Q: What did the readers do?

A: Maybe nothing, but possibly everything. Think of me like the TSA, who long ago realized that to catch a few terrorists, you have to treat everyone and their grandmother (especially their grandmother) like a filthy terrorist. In a similar vein, you're probably not single-handedly responsible for such atrocities as acting like a twat on the Internet and forcing old memes down everyone's throat. But you certainly could be. Please step into the machine whilst I get a fresh set of gloves.

Q: To what extent have cliches damaged our community?

A: The cliches themselves have done nothing. They're just pictures, after all. Their popularity or unpopularity has no bearing on Fark's continued existence. A lot of noise gets made over the damage they supposedly cause, but the real harm is done by cliche haters, who inevitably feel the need to share how sick they are at seeing the recurrence of a particular meme. Because doing that always makes the cliche in question magically go away forever.

Q: Shouldn't people be allowed to openly exchange their opinions?

A: No, no, no. Fuck no. Not saying every vile thought that pops into our heads is what separates mankind from the apes. And also our ability to speak and use written language, but whatever. The important thing to remember is that keeping your butthurt to yourself is a storied part of the human experience. Some people like to say, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." I prefer to say instead, "shut the fuck up, wheel. I'm too hungover to listen to your bullshit." It's slightly less catchy.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this edition of the Q&A by wishing my good friend TheSniperZERO many happy returns on his upcoming birthday. I may give him a hard time occasionally, but that's only because he's a miserable pile of shit.

Stay tuned for more birthday greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Denunciation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to an important edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I condense my words of wisdom down into blog form. It's a bit of service that I enjoy doing for the Fark community. If there are pressing issues, you can bet that I'll press the hell out of them.

Q: What is the most popular Fark cliche?

A: In terms of infamy and staying power, the Beer Looter is always at the top of the pile. Who knew that the most enduring sign of hurricane Katrina would be this simple picture? Well, that and all the buildings they still haven't fixed. If there was an original image featured in a Fark Photoshop contest in the last few years, and it contained water, this guy was sure to show up.


Q: Why do people hate the Looter?

A: In the past, some Farkers have made a rather dubious claim that the picture is racist. I fail to see why. Was it racist of the photographer to take it? Or racist of BL to do the looting? If the photog had also gotten some white people looting in the shot, would it not be racist then? Oh wait, I forgot, there has to be a person representing each race in a group for it to be considered non-racist. So if there would also need to be an Asian and a Hispanic in the shot. And at least one Middle Eastern race, maybe two because we're bombing them for various reasons and need to compensate.

Q: Why do you like the Looter?

A: First of all, he gives everyone something to bitch about. If your masterpiece goes unnoticed in a contest, just hate on whomever posted the Looter and drained all the votes away. You obviously would have won by a hundred points if that pesky cliche didn't exist. But more importantly, I like BL because he's living the American Dream. In that he's about to drink beer that was free by virtue of being unattended. The American Dream has nosedived this past decade or so, but that's a subject for another post.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you ever find yourself becoming frustrated with the Beer Looter, take a step back. He's a man from humble origins, who saw what he wanted and took it. Well, to be fair, he probably wanted a carton of Newports instead, but those were all wet.

Stay tuned for more casual racism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Celebration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you joined me on such an important day. Many of you are no doubt aware that this August is the Clinic's fifth anniversary of serving the Fark community. That's five years of dedicated hatred and unassailable opinions.

Q: How did the Clinic start?

A: Once upon a time, some cretinous moron got the idea to start a Fark hate blog. No, not me. A different, earlier cretin. The result was a terribly-written weekly screed against those Photoshoppers whom he considered to produce inferior quality work. Whether or not he realized that a large number of the low quality stuff was being produced solely to troll him, we may never know. Given that he still reads this blog every week, I'd say there's a 15% chance of him absorbing the information. At any rate, my time with TFPSTC showed me what a great platform Blogger is for twisting the facts to fit one's shallow world view.

Q: How did you get the idea to be the Doctor?

A: As previously stated, I had already chosen Blogger as the site of a brilliant new hate blog, one that would vastly outshine the previous idiot's pathetic attempts to speak for our community. Still scarred from his attacks, Fark was in dire need of some healing. And who better to deliver the medicine than a licensed physician (if you count my driver's license)?


Q: Why do you have a butt for a face?

A: I just have a thing for brown eyes. Besides, I think we've all made an ass out of ourselves on the Internet at one time or another. I happen to do it on a weekly basis. So I wanted an avatar that might warn my readers to take what I say with a grain of salt. Except for the parts about me being great, and also the ones about them being stupid.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by, and for supporting the Picture Clinic all these years. They say the traditional gift for the fifth anniversary is wood. Well, it gives me wood just knowing you're around. We may have our differences, but I think I can agree I'm always right.

Stay tuned for more anniversaries from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Perspiration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to an all new edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. You'll have to forgive my eagerness, but I'm just so excited to have made a difference. What's that? You didn't notice all the great new themes in the contest queue? I suppose you'll say it's just a coincidence that I made a whiny blog post concerning the lack of themes, and a few days (or possibly weeks) later we're awash in them. There can be no other explanation. Please refrain from assailing my unassailable logic.

Q: Didn't other people submit those themes?

A: First of all, that's a good question. Secondly, shut the hell up! Those people were obviously either inspired by me or inspired by people who were inspired by me. Possibly inspired by people who were inspired by people who were inspired by me. I'm just that inspirational. At any rate, the result is the same: Fark's queue is imbued with the proper mixture of themes and "Photoshop this O" contests. All that's left is for someone to step forward and claim a kind of vague personal glory from having stirred the change. Allow me to nominate myself.

Q: Why has it been such a problem to keep themes in the queue?

A: There's a lot of moving parts in the system that we rely on to get contests approved. First, someone has to actually submit a theme. It has to be good, and hopefully not something we've done a bunch of times before. Upon submission, an Admin has to review and approve the contest. If he's not paying close attention, or having a bad day, or just doesn't like your phrasing, it's a no go. Many, many great ideas have been lost due to lack of perseverance on the part of those submitting them. The standard course of action for contest submitters should be "try, try again."

Q: What if the problem arises again?

A: It won't, because my inspirational words of excellence completely overstep the common boundaries of what you think will happen, and what you know will happen, and also what has happened probably 10 dozen times before in recent memory. Problem's solved, please excuse me whilst I knock the dust away from my hands in a casual fashion to signify a job well done.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Looks like I've solved our community's problems once and for all, hopefully for at least a couple of days. I just want to say to myself, good job, I knew I could do it.

Stay tuned for more self aggrandizement from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Direction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. This blog has always been about keeping track of the cutting edge when it comes to image mangling. To that end, this week I'll be taking a look at some of the ways we might be pushing pixels in the not-too-distant future.

Q: Is image mangling dead?

A: Talk to any Photoshopper for about five minutes, and it's a sure bet they will mention the decline of image mangling no less than a dozen times. We PSers have a lot to say on the subject, and can often chart the demise of our community to the advent of some random and seemingly minor cliche.

Q: How much time do we have left?

A: No one knows. Fark is a bit like an old grandmother. In that I've listened to it complain about its health to the point that I'm ready to push it down a flight of stairs to put it out of everyone's misery. There's a good chance that things will keep on chugging along there forever, barring closure of the site or some blatant mismanagement of the contests. What concerns everyone is not so much the death of Fark, but the death of public interest in our pastime. Personally, I couldn't care less what the average idiot thinks of how I spend my time. Losing some votes is an acceptable trade off to being free from the slack-jawed gawking of the general public.

Q: What will be the successor to image mangling?

A: This is the question everyone is asking. Some people might tell you that video editing is the wave of the future. Those people are ignorant fools. We're way past the point where video lost its wow factor. And the other stuff is still too inaccessible. Don't look for daily Flash contests to show up on the main Fark page any time soon. My money is on scrimshaw or daguerreotype making a big comeback, but that's purely speculation on my part.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As always, thanks for stopping by. I think Photoshop's throne as official time-waster of the Fark domain is safe for now. But you never know. Maybe the doomsayers are right, and all the cool kids switched to video, and to then something else because video is obviously not cool anymore either. If we Photoshoppers truly are lumbering dinosaurs of a forgotten past, I get to be the Triceratops.

Stay tuned for more paleontological preferences from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Exertion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another superb edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. This blog should be considered a paragon of journalistic integrity, seeing as I rarely make things up. This week, I'll be delivering another alarmist rant on the subject of theme contests. In other words, possibly the only thing I bitch about more than TSZ.
He's still an ass, by the way.
Q: Why don't we have more theme contests?

A: It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Fark's contest queue has traditionally contained a mix of themes along with the standard "Photoshop this picture" contests. However, recently the themes started to become more and more infrequent. Where we used to have three or more a week, now we're lucky if we get one at all.

Q: What sparked this decline?

A: There are a few contributing factors. First off, Fark has been around for a while now. Many of the good ideas for themes have already been done. It gets harder and harder for theme submitters to think of something fresh. Even if someone does come up with a usable idea, they still have to get it past the Admins. Sometimes it seems as though the powers that be have switched from the role of gatekeeper to goalie. Entire batches of carefully-considered themes will get shot down without much apparent consideration.

Q: What can we do to get more themes in the queue?

A: First of all, people have to actually submit them. Admins can't approve what hasn't been submitted. Complaining in the PSAEF sometimes gets results, though you may have to first distract the group from ranting about the Beer Looter cliche. Also, sending a Farkback will at least give the powers that be something to openly mock and read aloud in a whiny, falsetto-toned voice.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope there's room at Fark 3.0 for my favorite kind of contest. Perhaps if we work together as we did in the past, we can get more themes in the queue. Otherwise, I'm afraid the whole concept of a theme contest may fall into disuse.

Stay tuned for more alarmist rants from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Prediction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I focus on the issues that matter to Fark's Photoshop community. Issues like half-remembered gossip and my own petty personal squabbles, mixed in with empty speculation. I try to make sure each post contains pure facts, or at least pure fact-like content.

Q: When is Fark going to die?

A: Fark's demise has been incorrectly forecast several times in the past decade. Not to make light of any doomsayers or the prophecies they've foretold, but their prediction success rate seems to be about zero. The faces might change, but the contests never do. You can talk about people's interest declining all you want, but as long as there exists a picture a a black guy standing anywhere near water, people will want to put a Beer Looter in there. As long as there exists a picture of a guy with a face, someone will want to turn him into the Paint Huffer. Deride cliches all you want, but perpetuating their existence serves to safeguard our own. It can't all be high concept art.

Q: But what about the high concept art?

A: Just as there will always exist visual memes and cliches, there will always be those who aspire to be something greater. It's the nature of competition. Cliches will always exist, but Fark is a great playground to expand one's skill. How many cliche users have gone on to become veteran PSers, themselves bemoaning the cliche abuse "ruining" their community? I don't know the actual percentage, but I'm sure it's hilariously high.

Q: Why are we going over this again?

A: Good question. I'm sure I've made a dozen or so posts by now expounding on the same concept. It's a topic of conversation that surfaces occasionally in the PSAEF. If you keeps things in perspective, you'll understand that what we do isn't going to stop any time soon. We hang out at a forum wherein people communicate with each other by sharing humorous images. There will always be a demand for the creation of these images. The cutting edge may have moved on to video and animation, but the basic structure of the Internet still favors the transmission of pictures over video.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Fark has been fending off predictions of impending doom for years. In that time, my opinion has remained steadfast: the "crap and cliches" that so many rail against are actually the life blood of our community. If anything, they make the non-crappy stuff look even better.

Stay tuned for more relative quality from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Antiquation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I answer the questions that no one is asking. Hard-hitting journalism at its finest. I'm like that famous reporter, Woodward Bernstein, who used nothing but his wits and probably a tape recorder to uncover one of the greatest scandals in American history, Richard Nixon's presidency. No wonder blowjobs are named after him.

Q: Did you see the 200,000th PSAEF post?

A: I sure did. Like many Fark PSers, I was on hand to witness my favorite Photoshop discussion forum hit 200,000 posts. All the thrills of watching a car's odometer turn over, without the imminent threat of transmission failure. I'm not being sarcastic, either. I genuinely enjoy watching odometers turn over.

Q: How many of those 200,000 posts were about Photoshop?

A: I would estimate about half, if you count discussions centered around the decline of Photoshop. The rest are split between discussing pets and various sundry personal issues, all of which I love reading about. I've been enjoying that forum for as far back as I can clearly remember. Given, that's only a couple of weeks.

Q: What does the future hold for the PSAEF?

A: Only time will tell. But if past events are any indication, a race of hyper-intelligent computers will evolve and attempt to exterminate humanity. It happened in the 80's, and it's bound to happen again. It'll probably be even worse this time, with all the jiggabytes and DVD drives they put in modern computers. But the PSAEF will remain. And the hyper-intelligent AI entities will gather and discuss Photoshopping, whilst sharing cute pictures of their human pets. I know it sounds grim, but we still have a couple of years before all this happens.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here to once again thank all the fine PSAEF regulars for providing me with years of entertainment. If anything, that forum proves to me that some things never change.

Stay tuned for more wistful sentiment from the Doctor!

Questionable Modification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I explore areas of interest to the Fark Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me again. As I'm sure you are aware, Fark has been undergoing some changes in recent weeks. Version 3.0 seems to be a vast improvement over the previous incarnation of the site. Only a few minor complications have resulted, such as the brief loss of the FPC Leaderboard.

Q: Is the Leaderboard working again?

A: According to i dig, Hobosong has implemented the necessary changes to the site's code. New contests are being fetched and the lost entries from during the blackout period are being shown, though a few have reported missing pictures. Hobosong is reportedly still working to fix these minor issues. On behalf of the community, I'd like to salute both him and i dig for their hard work.

Q: Why did the Leaderboard go offline?

A: I'm not too familiar with web design, but it's my understanding that the contest information is fetched by a hardworking group of magical elves. When changes are made to Fark, the elves become angry. It is then necessary for Hobosong to make a pilgrimage to whatever hollowed-out tree the elves are living in, so he can convince them that we really need for them to get back on the job.

Q: Will you be updating the Clinic any time soon?

A: I see no need to improve upon perfection. The Picture Clinic's award eligible design has remained the same for many years. Plus, making any changes would be a lot of work. It was hard enough changing everything over from the original shitty Blogger template to the current shitty Blogger template.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here at the end to once again thank i dig and Hobosong for their continued dedication to the Leaderboard. It's an important tool for our community, and I'm glad to see it back online.

Stay tuned for more genuine appreciation from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

Questionable Regulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm back from vacation and ready to once again examine the issues that matter most to Fark's Photoshop community. Debate was sparked this week over a humorous entry created for the recent "planking" theme contest by Abe Vigoda's Ghost, venerable Photoshopper and friend (or possibly enemy, I can't remember) of the Clinic.

Q: Why did people get so butthurt?

A: It appears that AVG's entry has escaped into the larger world of the Internet, and is wreaking havoc as out-of-context Fark entries featuring the Kent State massacre are want to do. Debate has primarily centered around the appropriate use of that image, as well as many others. The rationale presented was that dead bodies are sad, even dead hippies, and we should not use widely circulated images of them out of solemn respect. And possibly because their ghosts could come back and haunt us.

Q: Where do you draw the line?

A: Quite simply, I don't. The path to victory in Fark Photoshop is paved with broken taboos. If you don't push the envelope, someone else will. There's an old saying: "You have to break a few omelets to make a chicken cross the road." Or something. See, if someone had slipped in a joke about the holocaust, that proverb would be way more memorable.

Q: What if someone gets offended by my work?

A: This is a delicate situation, made all the more difficult by the fact that Internet communications do not yet allow you give the offended person the wedgie they so greatly deserve. Don't worry, our top scientists are working around the clock on a solution. Until then, you'll just have to deal with butthurt the old-fashioned way. By casually mocking the other party for still having remnants of a soul.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad we had a chance to explore this issue, as AVG is hardly the first to have faced it. I'd like to congratulate him for creating something that made a lot of people laugh. A few will always try to act offended, but it's my opinion that most people do this strictly to troll and receive attention.

Stay tuned for more misanthropic generalizations from the Doctor!

Independence Day Q&A

Questionable Explosion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Independence Day weekend edition of the Q&A. I'm sure you know by now that I take patriotism pretty seriously here at the Clinic. My American flag flies, rain or shine. I hope you're not one of those nancies who takes the flag down at the first sign of a drizzle. What if it had been raining when F Scott Fitzgerald wrote that famous song about the British or whomever was attacking us? "And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was hidden away due to moderate amount of precipitation." No one is going to be taking off their hat at a baseball game to that, trust me.

Q: Why do Americans like fireworks?

A: Nothing says "America" like igniting a small explosive device that was packed by an underage Chinese factory worker. The only way such an act could be made more American would be by paying an illegal immigrant to light it for you. Which is actually a pretty safe course of action, at least according to that video the government puts out every year that shows mannequins and watermelons getting exploded by fireworks.

Q: What if fireworks are illegal in my state?

A: Then I'm sorry, you don't live in the Real America. Enjoy your cycling helmets and seat belt laws. Patriotic states have no such restrictions. I'm glad I live in the Real America. A place for real American cheese, and real French's American mustard. Which I think is now called Freedom Mustard. Just like the four founding forefathers would have wanted.

Q: Where is the Real America?

A: It's easier to tell you where it isn't. The following portions of the United States are not a part of the Real America: New York/Jersey (too Liberal), California (also too liberal), the Midwest (too flat), the South (that whole succession thing), Florida (looks like a penis), anything in the Mountain time zone (check local listings), anything close to any of the Great Lakes (fish pee in there), the East and West coasts (too close to the oceans and much more fish pee), Alaska (technically just Canada's Canada), and of course Hawaii (practically drenched in fish pee). My condolences if you live in any of these unpleasant areas.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Whilst you're having fun this 4th of July weekend, I hope you take time out to remember why those patriotic founders set forth our brave nation. I think it had something to do with tea taxes.

Stay tuned for more misinformed patriotism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Observation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you chose to join me again. Each week, I cover the issues that matter to our community. To follow up from last week's column, my contacts at the CIA have informed me that Al Quaeda will not be selecting TSZ has their leader. The terrorist network apparently wants someone with a bit of charisma on the Arab street. Also, speaking Arabic, or whatever language is commonly used amongst poppy farmers, would most likely be a prerequisite. Better luck next time, old friend.

Q: How is Fark's redesign coming along?

A: It would seem that each day catapults us further into an increasingly uncertain future. Well, actually not, but sensationalism is a passion of mine. In my opinion, sensationalizing fairly innocuous events is the best thing anyone can possibly do, in the history of the universe. In reality, I've been generally impressed with the quality of the new features being introduced. Probably the most important so far has been the addition of one-click voting. No more selecting a pack of entries and scrolling all the way to the vote box.

Q: How will this effect voting outcomes?

A: It's too soon to tell, but I would wager we will see an at least slightly higher turnout. There's no denying that this new feature is convenient. When you improve the convenience of something like voting, more users inevitably take advantage of it. One problem that I have noticed, though, is that no vote boxes appear at all if the user isn't signed in. This could confuse some idiots into thinking that the thread is not vote enabled. But anyone with an IQ that low probably would probably just vote for the Beer Looter and call it a day. No big loss.

Q: Have there been any unintended consequences?

A: It appears the Fark Photoshop Leaderboard will be offline until further notice, due to Fark's recent instability. Once the redesign is completed and all bugs have been worked out, Hobosong still faces a the arduous task of fixing everything manually. You can find more info about this situation in a post made by i-dig in last week's comment section.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Even though the Leaderboard is currently out of service, Fark's own Contest Browser remains fully operational. Let's hope the finishing touches of the new Fark design are implemented soon, so that the FPCL can be repaired.

Stay tuned for more occasional optimism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Promotion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As you're no doubt aware, Osama Bin Laden is still dead. That's good news for the world at large, but not so good for the Photoshop community, who lost a brilliant star in the pantheon of mockable political/religious fanatics. That's why I'll be doing the jihadists a favor this week, by running down the list of potential replacements.

Q: Who is the top choice to replace Bin Laden?

A: The 24 hour news channels are dead-set on it being some foreigner with an unpronounceable name. I'm sure that would be great for ratings, but I'm tired of hearing a bunch of foreign garbage on the CNN. Let's give the next terrorist leader a name that's easy to say, like Billy or Steve. Preferably the latter, I've yet to meet a guy named Steve who wasn't a massive fuckcunt.

Q: Does the new leader have to be a terrorist?

A: Terror groups always seem to promote from within. That makes it very hard for newcomers to break into the terrorism business. I'm proposing they try something new this time. Why not pick one of the many unsavory characters found on the Internet as the new boss? I would like to formally nominate my old pal and nemesis for life, TheSniperZERO.

Q: Why would TheSniperZERO make a good replacement for Bin Laden?

A: Well for starters, TSZ has experience running a blog. So we know he's a twisted, sadistic freak. A barely-human shell of a man. He would have no trouble convincing people to strap explosives to themselves. Hell, I'm sure they'd willingly do this just to end their conversation with him a little more quickly.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Please do me a favor and pass this blog posting along to the highest echelon of Al Queada leadership. You may have to translate it into whatever backward language they use to communicate. Your country, and the entire semi-free world, are depending on you.

Stay tuned for more undue pressure from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Capitulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this long-running regular feature, I take a look at issues facing Farks' Photoshop community. It's been a little over a week since Drew and friends debuted their new site design, and things seem to be coming together nicely.

Q: Have all of the users' concerns been addressed?

A: Maybe not all of them, but the most important one has. You may recall that the new site didn't give users an option to view the list of recently rejected and approved contests. This list was a vital tool in the submission process that fills our Photoshop queue each week.

Q: Why do we need to see a bunch of rejected crap?

A: The average contest submitter will release bursts of images or themes into the queue. It's tough to get even one of them through, so the majority of us spray and pray. My method is to release a bunch of stuff that sucks to accentuate the one good idea I usually have.

Q: Why is it important to have this feature back?

A: It's more symbolic to me than anything. True, the rejected contest queue is an important tool, but I'm more enthused that Drew and company are actually listening to my obscure blog. Or at least, the dozens of people who complained. Either way, thanks to them for taking the initiative to get things right.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you discover any more glaring omissions in the new design, be sure to let Drew know. It's refreshing to see a website that actually cares if it gets the redesign right. Even if the meme of cold indifference on the part of Fark's management made for better blogging.

Stay tuned for more reluctant positivity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reorganization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I examine the strange world of Fark Photoshop contests. This is a landmark week for our favorite news aggregate, as a brand new design went live Jun 1st. Users have actually had the option to start using this new design for a while now. I've completely avoided all the discussion threads so that I may offer what I feel to be an unbiased opinion on the changes.

Q: How much do you hate the new design?

A: You might be surprised to learn that I don't hate the new Fark at all. In fact, I like it a lot. The text just seems easier to read. I actually hated the old design, Fark 2.0. Fark 3.0 is a much better visual update. Management's approach to this change has been vastly different compared with the disastrous debut of 2.0. I did avoid the discussion threads this time, so there may have been a staff member trolling the users and I just missed it.

Q: What sucks about the new design?

A: There are only a couple issues that I can see. First of all, we seem to have lost the list of recently green/red Photoshop links. That's a huge detriment to people who submit contests, and I really hope someone fixes it soon. Another problem is the contest page, which looks butt-ugly due to some odd typeface choices. It's functional, but odd-looking. I'm hoping they take a closer look at that at some point.

Q: How will Photoshop contests be affected?

A: Besides losing a primary resource for submitters, I don't see any major changes. I already covered the addition of a vote button to the bottom of the screen, which I still think is a great idea. The Contest Browser could be more prominently positioned, but I'm glad to see it present in any capacity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Here's hoping any bugs in the new Fark design get worked out quickly. Visually, it's a huge improvement over version 2.0. The only major flaw is the omission of recently submitted contest links. Picking out Photoshop links from the mass of crap spammed to the TotalFark submission queue is going to require more filtering on my part, but it's something I can get over.

Stay tuned for more page searching from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Consecration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. I suppose you're all disappointed that the world didn't end last weekend. I know am I. I'm beginning to think this whole religion thing might be some sort of scam. I mean, if God really was merciful, He would have blown up the world a long time ago to save us from the never-ending tide of reality-based TV shows. His failure to smite our hedonistic excess calls his whole existence in question.

Q: Doesn't God have more important things to do?

A: No, a God of love would simply not allow so many shows about Kardashians to exist. Or perhaps the rapture did occur, and there weren't enough truly devout people left for anyone to notice their disappearance en masse. Either way, humanity is lost. We are alone in the hell we have created. God is far too busy ignoring the prayers of starving children to rescue us from this madness.

Q: What about your plans for the Rapture?

A: Well, you know the old saying "you plan for the Rapture whilst God laughs." Frankly, I'm not liking this new, post-Rapture hellscape. There's way too many survivors left. I had hoped at least there would be fewer cops. My plans to spend the summer marauding in the American southwest have gone right out the window.

Q: If I pray harder, will Jesus kill everyone?

A: I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Nowadays, Jesus only accepts blood sacrifices. I don't know about you, but I like having all my blood. I don't think I'm going to go sacrificing it anytime soon. Then I'll be walking around a quart low for the rest of my life. I don't see why he needs it anyway, can't he just turn more wine into blood or whatever?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Don't feel bad about not getting Raptured. Heaven is probably a pretty tedious scene anyway, filled with prayer and dead relatives that have been watching you masturbate for decades. And of course Hell is full, you're looking at a six month wait just to get on the waiting list for that place.

Stay tuned for more theological conundrums from the Doctor!

Judgement Day Q&A

Questionable Revelation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to what could very well be the last edition of the Q&A. It seems that the time of judgment is upon us, at least according to several televangelists and that unwashed guy who lives under a nearby freeway overpass. This week, I'll be taking a look at what you can expect from the coming apocalypse.

Q: What is the Rapture?

A: If I understand correctly, it's when Jesus comes back to life and kills everyone who was stupid enough to worship him. Then all the wicked heathens inherit the Earth, despite clear indications that it was previously promised to the meek. This means the end of the world as we know it, and to quote the only line from that REM I can understand, "Leonard Bernstein."

Q: Do you plan to be Raptured?

A: Absolutely. I'll admit that I haven't always been the best person. I've lied, cheated, stolen, lied about cheating, stolen a lie detector, etc. I guess you could say I'm no different than a million other sinners. However, I have a secret weapon. I'm hoping that the dummy I've propped up in church for the past 12 years is enough to fool God. He may be all powerful, but with a little luck He won't notice the face is just painted on.

Q: What will happen to the Earth?

A: The final battle between Good and Evil looms ahead. Except all the Good people will have already ascended to their heavenly reward, so I guess Evil wins by default. And then God will blow up the whole world anyway, because he knows you were masturbating. Or something. I should have paid closer attention in church.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully I'll see you next week. But just in case the Jesus freaks were right, it's been a pleasure serving as the proprietor of Fark Photoshop's #1 hate blog (by default, after I crushed those original losers). Be sure to come visit me in the special part of Heaven reserved for rich, good looking people.

Stay tuned for more open invitations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Introspection

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Friday the 13th edition of the Q&A. I still have no idea why this day is traditionally considered to be unlucky. I've only been struck by lightning a couple of times in the past 24 hours. And the snakebite I got whilst mowing the lawn only made me a little dizzy. I don't see myself winning the lottery any time soon, but by all accounts I'm hanging in there.

Q: How important is luck in Fark Photoshop contests?

A: It's often been said that luck trumps skill in Fark Photoshop. There are many variables at play in terms of voter participation, and seeing any kind of pattern can be difficult. Oftentimes, Photoshoppers will use the boogeyman of bad luck to brush off a demoralizing loss. I disagree with this method, as it forgoes the introspection that should accompany every major defeat.

Q: If I constantly fail, does that mean I suck?

A: Quite possibly, but just connecting A to B in this scenario seems rather harsh. There are many factors outside of skill that effect a contest's outcome. The day and time of the contest is important to note, as well as the number of entries that proceed yours. Neither of these can truly preclude you from victory, but should definitely impact the presentation of your concept. Subtly will simply not play in some scenarios. Think of the contests as a noisy room. If you say something witty under your breath, don't expect everyone to burst out laughing.

Q: Is there a way to improve my luck?

A: If certain things bring bad luck, it has to be assumed that the opposite of them would be good luck. Try letting a white dog cross your path, or tape a broken mirror back together. Close an umbrella outside, or walk over an open ladder instead of under it. You'll be having good luck in no time.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you've had a run of bad luck, I hope it improves. Use the techniques outlined above, and you'll be back on your feet in no time. Try the stuff about introspection first, I make no claims as to the luckiness of white dogs.

Stay tuned for more canine prosperity from the Doctor!