President's Day Q&A

Questionable Aggregation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special President's Day weekend edition of the Q&A. Four score and seven years ago, we had nothing to fear but fear itself. We also had the additional fear of remembering both Lincoln and Washington's birthdays. Seeing that the American people were burdened with too many days off, and fearing an influx of more (should any other President ever turn out to be worth a shit) our benevolent government hit upon the brilliant idea of combining the Presidential birthdays into one holiday of spectacular savings. After all, what's more American than getting 15% off the purchase of a Japanese car?

Q: Is there more to President's Day than a bunch of sales?

A: I honestly don't remember. This may or may not be one of the ones where we grill a bunch of red meat and frivolously shoot explosive ordinance into the sky. I would bet on it, as most of the non-religious American holidays are that way. We do like our grilled meat and explosives.

Q: Who is your favorite President?

A: There can only be one answer to this question. He's a man deeply steeped in myth and legend. A patriot and scholar, he's the only President to also have served as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If you don't know that I'm talking about William Howard Taft, there's a good chance that you may be an uneducated idiot. Good luck with that.

Q: What makes Taft so great?
He put a bathtub in the White House.
A: I thought you'd never ask. Taft was our largest President, weighing a massive 332 pounds. An avid baseball fan, his extreme bulk is rumored to have created the 7th Inning Stretch. This rumor, like most things you hear about Presidents, is probably not true. Regardless, it beats the hell out of saving the Union, or chopping down a cherry tree. Taft also knew when to leave office, specifically after he suffered the soundest defeat in American history. Give me a one term President any day. I don't care if you're Elvis Christ, watching you on the news for eight years is going to get tedious.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Have a great holiday weekend. And while you're shooting off your fireworks and grilling your meat, do try to have some respect for the office of the Presidency. These are the Presidents who fought and died for our freedom. The Presidents who stormed the beaches at Normandy. Give them the solemn reverence they deserve, should we never forget.

Stay tuned for more confused patriotism from the Doctor!