Friday Q&A

Questionable Capitulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. For several years now, I have taken a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I'm glad you've taken time out of whatever the hell it is you do to check out this blog in all its glory. Getting informed is the first step towards becoming a productive member of society. I, for one, always make sure my bathroom floor has a fresh covering of newspapers. That way I can keep abreast of current events whilst I lay semi-conscious on the cold tile. But enough about my Tuesday night. Let's get to the questions.

Q: Are you speechless?

A: Yes, I am.

Q: Why?

A: Something amazingly rare happened this week (no, TSZ didn't get laid). It appears that Fark's management has finally decided to follow some of the advice given by their users. Farkers are always searching for ways to improve our favorite web community. Fark's powers that be, on the other hand, are always looking for ways to disregard our bright ideas. After all, most of these suggestions are terrible and make no sense. One, however, has always seemed like a logical next step. After scrolling through a contest page and selecting entries to vote on, users have traditionally been forced to scroll all the way back up to cast their votes. New changes this week have placed a vote button at both the top and bottom of the screen. Please refrain from pressing both of them at once, I understand this makes Drew's toilet overflow.

Q: How long have Fark's Photoshoppers been asking for this improvement?

A: Several years, and I've long forgotten who originally proposed it. The suggestion always seems to come up when people are discussing ways to better the site. I'm glad Drew and company are finally paying attention to our great ideas, but now I'm terrified that all the dumb stuff people have pushed for over the years might start coming true as well. Will the exile or outright banning of cliches be next? Probably not, but years of watching cable news have instilled in me the urge to end everything with a cliffhanging teaser.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I'm glad you had a chance to stop by. In the interest of preserving the status quo, I have formally issued a request to Drew asking that he not make any scary changes that frighten me. And to also please stay off my lawn.

Stay tuned for more latent fear-mongering from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Consolation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm back from that much-needed vacation. I throughly enjoyed my trip to Japan, despite ingesting a large amount of radioactive iodine at the resort. I also brought a few pounds home with me, in case I got hungry on the plane. Iodine is an acquired taste, and I doubt your unrefined pallet could detect the subtle flavor at play.

Q: Should Fark award prizes to contest winners?

A: The standard always been that there are no fabulous prizes in Fark contests. What however, if some shitty prizes were awarded? T-shirts, maybe some coffee mugs. The type of stuff that will tell your friends and coworkers that, yes, you are an Internet nerd.

Q: Why not money?

A: I doubt Drew is eager to part with his hard-earned Internet dollars. Even if he was, awarding money on a daily or even weekly basis is a constant expenditure that would likely see little return. At least with the Fark merchendise, they probably have a warehouse full that no one is going to buy.

Q: Do you support this idea?

A: Short answer: No. Slightly longer answer: Fuck no, you stupid shitcock. I'm perfectly happy with the status quo. I like that people in Fark contests are laid back, and competition is strictly a gentleman's sport (though the Supreme Court ruled we have to include gentle ladies as well). People seem to behave differently when something is actually at stake.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I have to go write a glowing review of that Japanese spa I stayed at last week. After all, I still have a healthy glow. Definitely worth sneaking past all those armed security personnel clad in bubble suits.

Stay tuned for more radiological exposure from the Doctor!

Holiday Q&A

Questionable Vacation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm vacationing in Japan this week, and will thus refrain from posting my regular column. I usually don't like to travel unless I'm ducking extradition in a third world hell hole like Puerto Rico (which it turns out has been a US territory for several decades, and thus is not the best for hiding from the American justice system).

Since Puerto Rico has fallen under the boot heel of US territorial oppression, I set about finding a new getaway destination. You have no idea how many unpaid tickets I have. It's good to make a contingency plan when you walk on the dark side of the parking enforcement code. I immediately called my travel agent. "It's 3 AM," he said. "How did you get my home number?"

Steve loves to joke like that. Well, I'm pretty sure his name is Steve. I dispensed with the formalities and got straight to business. "Steve," I said. "What's the hottest travel destination on the planet right now? Bali? Ibiza? Spokane, WA?"

"My name is Ted," he replied. "And if you're looking for hot, well, you can't get much hotter than radioactive." His logic made sense. I'm always VERY active with my radio in the summertime months. He went on top explain that fares have fallen dramatically in the northeastern part of Japan. I've booked an all inclusive trip to the luxurious Fukushima Dai-ichi resort and spa. Apparently there's something called Tsunami going on, which I believe is like the Japanese version of Brazil's Carnival.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you again next week for the regular column, or possibly a parody of Lost in Translation, depending on whether or not I can find a Blockbuster video in Japan that will rent me a translated copy of that movie.

Stay tuned for more dated references from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Limitation

Greetings,crickets and trolls. Welcome back to your favorite Fark-related image mangling community interest blog. Each week, I take a look at the issues, and digest them down to their relevant facts. Then those facts work their way through my intestinal tract before being excreted into your mouth. Please remember to brush your teeth afterward.

Q: Why is it so hard to get a theme approved?

A: Theme contests have been some of my favorites on Fark. They're more open-ended, and give entrants a great deal of creative freedom. The problem is that at this point, pretty much every good idea for a theme has been done. Admins frown upon repeat contests, so theme submitters must bring only their most original ideas to the queue. Or just rip off SomethingAwful. No one goes there any more, so who would notice?

Q: Why can't we just have repeated threads?

A: Because that path leads to shame and mediocrity. Look at Worth1k, which frequently hosts repeat contests. Users there will sit on a creation and tweak it for months, because they know if Celebrity Poop Sculptures IV has been approved, CPS V is right around the corner. As a result, the Worth threads are far less organic, and reek of cold logic. Quality abounds, but they lack a certain element that flows freely from the font that is Fark. Call it soul, if you like.

Q: How can I think of a good theme?

A: I doubt you could. No offense, of course. Luckily, I'm here to lend a helping hand. Themes often delve into absurd re-imaginings of our society. We see what the world would be like if various oddball groups ruled it, or if advertisers were forced to do one thing or another. The ideal theme will have multiple levels of interpretation. That way, the contest will feel more open-ended.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope this column inspires you to submit a flurry of new themes to the queue. With enough theme submissions, admins will have a harder time ignoring them. I personally would like to see an equal mix of theme and "O" contests.

Stay tuned for more wasted optimism from the Doctor!

Fool's Day Q&A

Questionable Illusion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special April Fool's edition of the Q&A. As someone with a penchant for mischief, I've always considered this to be the most important holiday of the year. Way more so than Christmas, which kind of sucks in terms of prank potential. You can only hide the baby Jesus from the manger scene so many times before it gets boring. April Fool's Day, on the other hand, filled to the brim with potential.

Q: Who do you like to prank?

A: My favorite pranks are based in the real world, where I usually prey upon my friends and loved ones. You'll find that gaining someone's trust gives you a blank check for mischief. Don't get discouraged if your family moves away without telling you their new address. That just means you're an effective prankster!

Q: Has anyone ever pulled a prank on you?

A: Not in the real world. Those types of pranks only work well if the mark loses his dignity. I have no dignity, so I'm virtually unprankable. You could throw pieces of shit at me, and I would catch them and thank you kindly for the free shit.

Q: Why are Internet-based pranks becoming increasingly popular?

A: They're only popular amongst the neckbeard IT geeks who run our favorite sites. In past years, April 1st has been used as an open excuse to rattle Internet users. Fark's Haxxor Pigs have frequently been an April Fool's Day fixture, though I did not see them make an appearance this year. My favorite Fark-related prank from years gone by had to do with redesigning Fark to make it more like Facebook. Though it wasn't as funny when Digg did it for real.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you had a great April Fool's Day. If you're still looking to get pranked, please check out this link to a humorous video I enjoy.

Stay tuned for more dated antics from the Doctor!