Friday Q&A

Questionable Consecration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. I suppose you're all disappointed that the world didn't end last weekend. I know am I. I'm beginning to think this whole religion thing might be some sort of scam. I mean, if God really was merciful, He would have blown up the world a long time ago to save us from the never-ending tide of reality-based TV shows. His failure to smite our hedonistic excess calls his whole existence in question.

Q: Doesn't God have more important things to do?

A: No, a God of love would simply not allow so many shows about Kardashians to exist. Or perhaps the rapture did occur, and there weren't enough truly devout people left for anyone to notice their disappearance en masse. Either way, humanity is lost. We are alone in the hell we have created. God is far too busy ignoring the prayers of starving children to rescue us from this madness.

Q: What about your plans for the Rapture?

A: Well, you know the old saying "you plan for the Rapture whilst God laughs." Frankly, I'm not liking this new, post-Rapture hellscape. There's way too many survivors left. I had hoped at least there would be fewer cops. My plans to spend the summer marauding in the American southwest have gone right out the window.

Q: If I pray harder, will Jesus kill everyone?

A: I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Nowadays, Jesus only accepts blood sacrifices. I don't know about you, but I like having all my blood. I don't think I'm going to go sacrificing it anytime soon. Then I'll be walking around a quart low for the rest of my life. I don't see why he needs it anyway, can't he just turn more wine into blood or whatever?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Don't feel bad about not getting Raptured. Heaven is probably a pretty tedious scene anyway, filled with prayer and dead relatives that have been watching you masturbate for decades. And of course Hell is full, you're looking at a six month wait just to get on the waiting list for that place.

Stay tuned for more theological conundrums from the Doctor!

Judgement Day Q&A

Questionable Revelation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to what could very well be the last edition of the Q&A. It seems that the time of judgment is upon us, at least according to several televangelists and that unwashed guy who lives under a nearby freeway overpass. This week, I'll be taking a look at what you can expect from the coming apocalypse.

Q: What is the Rapture?

A: If I understand correctly, it's when Jesus comes back to life and kills everyone who was stupid enough to worship him. Then all the wicked heathens inherit the Earth, despite clear indications that it was previously promised to the meek. This means the end of the world as we know it, and to quote the only line from that REM I can understand, "Leonard Bernstein."

Q: Do you plan to be Raptured?

A: Absolutely. I'll admit that I haven't always been the best person. I've lied, cheated, stolen, lied about cheating, stolen a lie detector, etc. I guess you could say I'm no different than a million other sinners. However, I have a secret weapon. I'm hoping that the dummy I've propped up in church for the past 12 years is enough to fool God. He may be all powerful, but with a little luck He won't notice the face is just painted on.

Q: What will happen to the Earth?

A: The final battle between Good and Evil looms ahead. Except all the Good people will have already ascended to their heavenly reward, so I guess Evil wins by default. And then God will blow up the whole world anyway, because he knows you were masturbating. Or something. I should have paid closer attention in church.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully I'll see you next week. But just in case the Jesus freaks were right, it's been a pleasure serving as the proprietor of Fark Photoshop's #1 hate blog (by default, after I crushed those original losers). Be sure to come visit me in the special part of Heaven reserved for rich, good looking people.

Stay tuned for more open invitations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Introspection

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Friday the 13th edition of the Q&A. I still have no idea why this day is traditionally considered to be unlucky. I've only been struck by lightning a couple of times in the past 24 hours. And the snakebite I got whilst mowing the lawn only made me a little dizzy. I don't see myself winning the lottery any time soon, but by all accounts I'm hanging in there.

Q: How important is luck in Fark Photoshop contests?

A: It's often been said that luck trumps skill in Fark Photoshop. There are many variables at play in terms of voter participation, and seeing any kind of pattern can be difficult. Oftentimes, Photoshoppers will use the boogeyman of bad luck to brush off a demoralizing loss. I disagree with this method, as it forgoes the introspection that should accompany every major defeat.

Q: If I constantly fail, does that mean I suck?

A: Quite possibly, but just connecting A to B in this scenario seems rather harsh. There are many factors outside of skill that effect a contest's outcome. The day and time of the contest is important to note, as well as the number of entries that proceed yours. Neither of these can truly preclude you from victory, but should definitely impact the presentation of your concept. Subtly will simply not play in some scenarios. Think of the contests as a noisy room. If you say something witty under your breath, don't expect everyone to burst out laughing.

Q: Is there a way to improve my luck?

A: If certain things bring bad luck, it has to be assumed that the opposite of them would be good luck. Try letting a white dog cross your path, or tape a broken mirror back together. Close an umbrella outside, or walk over an open ladder instead of under it. You'll be having good luck in no time.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you've had a run of bad luck, I hope it improves. Use the techniques outlined above, and you'll be back on your feet in no time. Try the stuff about introspection first, I make no claims as to the luckiness of white dogs.

Stay tuned for more canine prosperity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Unquestionable Assassination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This long-running feature takes a look at issues facing Fark Photoshop, and occasionally the world at large. What a terrific week! If you're an American, you probably couldn't help but get drawn into the patriotic bloodlust that has gripped our nation in the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death.

Q: How does Bin Laden's death change things?

A: If I understand correctly, everything automatically reverts back to the way it was 10 years ago. Good news, my pants are once again considered to be fashionable. There's even a swing dance craze scheduled for next Tuesday from 9am-3pm. Be sure not to miss it.

Q: What about the other terrorists?

A: I'm sure they already have a retaliatory strike planned that involves incorrectly detonating explosives, or perhaps duct-taping a stick of dynamite to a monkey and hoping for the best. But from what I understand, things have reverted back to the way they were 10 years ago, and our country is doomed to endure a summer of shark attacks whilst actively ignoring the serious threat posed by terrorism. Oh, cruel irony.

Q: Should the US release Bin Laden's death photo?

A: Of course they should. This kind of shit is what pisses me off about America. We'll have a week of drunken celebration to commemorate the death of this asshole, but we stop short of viewing his corpse. Why? As a Photoshopper, I can think of any number of fun things I could do with such an image. But no, some dickwad has to hold on to his last shred of morality. Let it go, man. The Age of Morality ended way back when reality TV was just catching on.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Let's hope the authorities come to their senses and find a way to share Bin Laden's death photo. Maybe do a text overlay with some national secrets, so that Wikileaks will get involved.

Stay tuned for more incidental treason from the Doctor!