Friday Q&A

Questionable Consecration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. I suppose you're all disappointed that the world didn't end last weekend. I know am I. I'm beginning to think this whole religion thing might be some sort of scam. I mean, if God really was merciful, He would have blown up the world a long time ago to save us from the never-ending tide of reality-based TV shows. His failure to smite our hedonistic excess calls his whole existence in question.

Q: Doesn't God have more important things to do?

A: No, a God of love would simply not allow so many shows about Kardashians to exist. Or perhaps the rapture did occur, and there weren't enough truly devout people left for anyone to notice their disappearance en masse. Either way, humanity is lost. We are alone in the hell we have created. God is far too busy ignoring the prayers of starving children to rescue us from this madness.

Q: What about your plans for the Rapture?

A: Well, you know the old saying "you plan for the Rapture whilst God laughs." Frankly, I'm not liking this new, post-Rapture hellscape. There's way too many survivors left. I had hoped at least there would be fewer cops. My plans to spend the summer marauding in the American southwest have gone right out the window.

Q: If I pray harder, will Jesus kill everyone?

A: I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Nowadays, Jesus only accepts blood sacrifices. I don't know about you, but I like having all my blood. I don't think I'm going to go sacrificing it anytime soon. Then I'll be walking around a quart low for the rest of my life. I don't see why he needs it anyway, can't he just turn more wine into blood or whatever?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Don't feel bad about not getting Raptured. Heaven is probably a pretty tedious scene anyway, filled with prayer and dead relatives that have been watching you masturbate for decades. And of course Hell is full, you're looking at a six month wait just to get on the waiting list for that place.

Stay tuned for more theological conundrums from the Doctor!