Independence Day Q&A

Questionable Explosion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Independence Day weekend edition of the Q&A. I'm sure you know by now that I take patriotism pretty seriously here at the Clinic. My American flag flies, rain or shine. I hope you're not one of those nancies who takes the flag down at the first sign of a drizzle. What if it had been raining when F Scott Fitzgerald wrote that famous song about the British or whomever was attacking us? "And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was hidden away due to moderate amount of precipitation." No one is going to be taking off their hat at a baseball game to that, trust me.

Q: Why do Americans like fireworks?

A: Nothing says "America" like igniting a small explosive device that was packed by an underage Chinese factory worker. The only way such an act could be made more American would be by paying an illegal immigrant to light it for you. Which is actually a pretty safe course of action, at least according to that video the government puts out every year that shows mannequins and watermelons getting exploded by fireworks.

Q: What if fireworks are illegal in my state?

A: Then I'm sorry, you don't live in the Real America. Enjoy your cycling helmets and seat belt laws. Patriotic states have no such restrictions. I'm glad I live in the Real America. A place for real American cheese, and real French's American mustard. Which I think is now called Freedom Mustard. Just like the four founding forefathers would have wanted.

Q: Where is the Real America?

A: It's easier to tell you where it isn't. The following portions of the United States are not a part of the Real America: New York/Jersey (too Liberal), California (also too liberal), the Midwest (too flat), the South (that whole succession thing), Florida (looks like a penis), anything in the Mountain time zone (check local listings), anything close to any of the Great Lakes (fish pee in there), the East and West coasts (too close to the oceans and much more fish pee), Alaska (technically just Canada's Canada), and of course Hawaii (practically drenched in fish pee). My condolences if you live in any of these unpleasant areas.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Whilst you're having fun this 4th of July weekend, I hope you take time out to remember why those patriotic founders set forth our brave nation. I think it had something to do with tea taxes.

Stay tuned for more misinformed patriotism from the Doctor!