Saturday Q&A

Questionable Zombification

Greetings, cadavers and ghouls. Welcome to a special Saturday Halloween edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by, you can help me barricade the windows and doors in case of a zombie attack. The zombie apocalypse is something that every homeowner should be prepared for. In today's Q&A, I'll be giving you some helpful tips on how to survive in a grim dystopia where the survivors envy the dead. If you live in Detroit, you might also find it helpful.

Q: Why would you want to survive a zombie attack?

A: Good question! After all, the idea of eternally walking the Earth to feast on the living seems downright appealing. To me at least. But you have to remember that after a while, most of the humans will be eaten. Zombies will be forced to subsist off a diet of cable news anchors and "reality" television stars. But for a few pockets of humanity, survival brings the promise of looted treasure and plenty of free parking. Plus the option of burning whole cities to the ground based entirely on having had a bad layover there once.

Q: How should I protect my home against a zombie attack?

A: A home is no good. You'll be a sitting duck there. What you need is a good survival shelter. You want to build your zombie survival shelter right next to one used by the elderly, infirm, pregnant or handicapped. The zombies will hopefully be distracted by these easy targets long enough for you to effect a courageous retreat. In the event that no one is available to distract the zombies, try building your shelter precariously atop a flagpole. In all the movies I've ever seen, not one zombie has ever climbed a flagpole.

Q: What if I get bitten?

A: BOOM! Headshot. But if I get bitten, it's a completely different story. This is another area where I differ with conventional horror films. Why do wounded characters always seem to insist on being shot before they turn? Being shot hurts way less after you've changed into a zombie than it does beforehand. And if you wait until I turn, you might as well let me go be a zombie with the rest of zombie society. Changes to my blog would barely be noticeable.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. And in the event that zombies actually do attack one day, I promise to carry the torch of mankind's legacy into the new era. As long as it isn't too heavy, or if I need room in my looted car for all the stuff I'm looting.

Stay tuned for more post-apocalyptic looting from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Horrification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As I'm sure you're aware, Halloween is just a few days away. This spooky season has always been my favorite part of the year, mainly since it's the only time when my outdoor holiday decorations that I refuse to take down are relevant. Though the lights do work just as well at Christmas.

Q: Why do you like Halloween so much?

A: It's one of those holidays that remind me of when I was a kid. I'll bet you can't name another holiday wherein anyone can don a crudely fashioned costume and impersonate a child for the purpose of getting candy. Never mind the awkward moment when someone notices there's a bit too much hair on the knuckles of that hand holding a trick or treat bag.

Q: Isn't trick or treating for kids?

A: Yeah, kids of all ages. The older you get, the more candy you can haul. Here's a tip, try working a car into your costume so you can use it to carry excess loot. For example, you could say you're the Headless Horseman for the 21st century prior to suffering the decapitation that earned his moniker. Or you could say you're a Transformer in vehicle mоde, that way you don't even have to get out of the car.

Q: Why not just buy candy from the store?

A: I'm going to pretend you didn't ask something so stupid. Or actually, I'm going to mock you for it a bit more. BUY candy? From a STORE? Have you seen how bad the economy is? Halloween is my chance to score enough provisions to last until Thanksgiving. Then I can subsist off of fun size Snickers and Zagnut bars.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Remember, it's never too early to start trick or treating. I've been doing it myself since September. Join me next week, when I'll be offering more tips to have a spooktacular Halloween! Or I might just move on to something else, since this holiday is advertised far enough in advance that most people are sick of it by that time it actually arrives.

Stay tuned for more Christmas fun from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Prognostication

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you took the time to join me again. Each week, I examine various issues that are occasionally of interest to Photoshoppers of Fark.com. The elite cadre of image manglers who choose to push pixels for that site are some of the best people the Internet has to offer. We often wonder what the future holds for our community, so this week I'm going to use the power of my superior intellect to forecast, nay dictate what is to come.

Q: What is to come?

A: Examining the current trend of incremental reduction amongst contest participants would lead one to believe that we will continue to see a decline in entries per year. However, there has to be a point where it levels out. Otherwise we would eventually just be a handful of people entering contests, with masses of empty threads unchristened by any Photoshopper. I have yet to see a contest go live with zero TF entries, and even in low volume threads the Liters always pick up the slack.

Q: What about the current scheduling effort?

A: The current policy amongst Fark's administrators of keeping the contests to a schedule is probably the most ambitious effort made on their part thus far to breathe life into our community. It can be argued that it's a bit too little too late, but I'm just happy to see the gears are turning. I believe that if kept up, it might just turn the tide. However, it's going to take a long time to see actual results.

Q: What will we do in the meantime?

A: The same thing we always do. Either bitch about the decline of Fark or rigidly defend it. At no point should either side consider the points made by the other. Remember, this is the Internet, where opinions do battle on a glorious field of misinformation. I doubt that Fark itself has much to fear, as the community seems to be self-sustaining. Declining percentages mean nothing to me when I can still browse a contest thread and get the same amount of enjoyment as I did in previous years.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this look into the future. Feel free to refer back to it later on to see how right I was. I feel confident enough making these predictions, as we already know the world is set to be destroyed by the Mayan death gods in 2012, if that John Cusack movie I only saw the previews for was any indicator. So we really only have to make it another year or so.

Stay tuned for more certain demise from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Incrementation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues pertaining to the Photoshop community at Fark.com. It's my way of giving back, without expending serious effort or relinquishing anything of actual value.

Q: Has contest participation begun to improve?

A: As you might already know, Fark's administrators recently began a policy of keeping the Photoshop contest live times on a more rigid schedule. The question is, will giving Photoshoppers a bit more scheduling consistency actually translate to higher participation? According to stats courtesy of Misfit Squirrels, the number of entries per year has been falling steadily since 2004. I expect the overall number of entries to fall for 2011 as well, given the powers that be waited until the late part of the year to attempt any changes.

Q: Why did they wait so long?

A: This is the question I've been asking my self. We've all been aware of the falling participation for years now, the entirety of several whiny blogs having been devoted to the subject. Why are the admins only just now waking up to this fact? And why did it seem like they were absolutely determined in previous years to put the best contests at the worst times of day?

Q: Why do you find this to be so hilarious?

A: Because none of us know what we want. We complain about people posting too many entries per contest in one breath, and complain about the number of entries per year falling in the next. We haughtily recall the good old days, when we should be reaching out to new users. All while the people in charge sit on their hands until the last minute, and then hope a stopgap solution will act as a panacea.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I sincerely hope that the new measures put in place will serve to draw in more participants to our community. However, I see no immediate change. This is unfortunate, because if this is the kind of gradual, incremental change that you never notice happening, it's bound to have lost my attention by the time it does any good.

Stay tuned for more attention dysfunction from the Doctor!