Saturday Q&A

Questionable Zombification

Greetings, cadavers and ghouls. Welcome to a special Saturday Halloween edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by, you can help me barricade the windows and doors in case of a zombie attack. The zombie apocalypse is something that every homeowner should be prepared for. In today's Q&A, I'll be giving you some helpful tips on how to survive in a grim dystopia where the survivors envy the dead. If you live in Detroit, you might also find it helpful.

Q: Why would you want to survive a zombie attack?

A: Good question! After all, the idea of eternally walking the Earth to feast on the living seems downright appealing. To me at least. But you have to remember that after a while, most of the humans will be eaten. Zombies will be forced to subsist off a diet of cable news anchors and "reality" television stars. But for a few pockets of humanity, survival brings the promise of looted treasure and plenty of free parking. Plus the option of burning whole cities to the ground based entirely on having had a bad layover there once.

Q: How should I protect my home against a zombie attack?

A: A home is no good. You'll be a sitting duck there. What you need is a good survival shelter. You want to build your zombie survival shelter right next to one used by the elderly, infirm, pregnant or handicapped. The zombies will hopefully be distracted by these easy targets long enough for you to effect a courageous retreat. In the event that no one is available to distract the zombies, try building your shelter precariously atop a flagpole. In all the movies I've ever seen, not one zombie has ever climbed a flagpole.

Q: What if I get bitten?

A: BOOM! Headshot. But if I get bitten, it's a completely different story. This is another area where I differ with conventional horror films. Why do wounded characters always seem to insist on being shot before they turn? Being shot hurts way less after you've changed into a zombie than it does beforehand. And if you wait until I turn, you might as well let me go be a zombie with the rest of zombie society. Changes to my blog would barely be noticeable.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. And in the event that zombies actually do attack one day, I promise to carry the torch of mankind's legacy into the new era. As long as it isn't too heavy, or if I need room in my looted car for all the stuff I'm looting.

Stay tuned for more post-apocalyptic looting from the Doctor!