President's Day Q&A

Questionable Nation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special President's Day weekend edition of the Q&A. Four score and seven years ago, our four fathers spewed forth the contents of a new nation. One where all white landowning males were created equal. To honor these brave men, our government decided to mash all their birthdays together and use the resulting holiday as an excuse for furniture store discounts.

Q: Isn't combining people's birthdays kind of disrespectful?

A: Offices do it all the time. What is America if not a gigantic workplace? Though it is ironically quite difficult to find a job at times. Shamefully bastardizing the birthdays of key historical figures is a great way to teach kids that dead people cannot fight back. Good thing, too. Grave robbing is one of the last industries left in many parts of the country.

Q: What would George Washington think of the new Fark voting system?

A: I think he would at first be mystified at the strange type on the screen of the magical humming box. Then he would probably question why it's called a contest if there isn't a clear winner. Think about what this country would be like if Washington had settled for being "funniest" at the Battle of Guadalcanal. We'd still be sipping tea instead of coffee, and not disregarding the results of soccer matches. Which we would call "scones".

Q: What could Lincoln teach Drew about leadership?

A: Lincoln knew the value of keeping our nation together. It was important enough to send over a million people to their graves. And not to in any way cheapen that sacrifice, but I see direct parallels between our voting crisis and the Civil War. Except there are way, way fewer people fighting for the Confederacy in this analogy. Like, if the Confederacy was just two or three guys. Only Jefferson Davis Hogg and Stoneballs Jackson, if you will. Also they have automatic weapons and air support, and we only have rocks and larger rocks.

That's all for this time, good American. Thanks for stopping by. If you want to learn more about the Civil War, you can sometimes get good information from strangers at the bus station. You also might have a library in your area. Get there before the homeless burn all the books for warmth.

Stay tuned for more literary combustion from the Doctor!