St Patrick's Day Q&A

Questionable Intoxication

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special St Patrick's Day edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you took time from your busy schedule of vomiting into a trashcan to check in. St Patick's Day is one of the few religious holidays where dying of alcohol poisoning is a high likelihood. But really, what do we know about this annual debauched celebration? Today, I'll be sharing some of the secrets about St Patrick's Day that you won't find in the history books, or any other sources steeped in "facts".

Q: Who was St Patrick's Day?

A: Saint Patrick Day was a man with a very strange name. His mother knew he was destined for great things. That's why she named him Saint. Day was born into the Dark Ages, I'm not sure of the century but it was one of the ones where we still burned witches. Life in the Dark Ages was arduous to say the least. Back then, you couldn't just strap your self to a blog and claim your fortune, a man had to work for a living. But Day had a plan. One that would make a name for him and drive all the snakes from Ireland.

Q: Ireland had snakes?

A: Snakes aren't a big part of the Irish ecosystem, but Saint Patrick Day didn't let petty things like scientific fact get in the way. That tenacity was what made him destined to become such a renowned religious figure. His first step was to find some snakes, so I assume he put an ad on Craigslist, or whatever people in the Dark Ages used for Craigslist. Ebay Classified pages maybe.

Q: What did he do with all those snakes?

A: Saint Patrick Day did a lot of depraved things with those snakes that I won't mention in a family blog like this. Needless to say, religious figures could get away with a lot more back then. Which is saying a lot. But at some point there comes a time, as the old saying goes, that you must discard your semen-filled snake carcasses into the sea. And that's just what Saint Patrick Day did to become famous and be declared a saint (the Dark Ages equivalent of a People's Choice Award). I guess people were more easily entertained back then.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Here's hoping you enjoy your Saint Patrick's Day responsibly. According to the beer companies, this involves dancing with bikini-clad women at raucous parties. I think that's the kind of responsibility we can all get in on.

Stay tuned for more responsible drinking from the Doctor!