Jesus Day Q&A

Questionable Blasphemization

Greetings crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Easter edition of the Q&A. It truly is a wonderful time of year, as families gather round the old Easter tree to sing their favorite Easter carols. Join me, as I take a look at how we celebrate this curious holiday.

Q: Why do we dye eggs at Easter?

A: Way back in the caveman days, when the first Easter was celebrated, mankind was a very sinful creature. Not at all like now. Back then, Jesus had an idea to civilize society by dying chicken embryos in various pastel colors. As you can imagine, there was much rejoicing. Society immediately became pious and Christian. The ignorant and backwards Roman empire gave way to the enlightenment of the Dark Ages.

Q: How do rabbits figure into the holiday?

A: The Easter Bunny, renowned for his ability to sneak into Children's homes whilst delivering high fructose corn syrup treats, is steeped in Christian mythology. I'll bet you didn't know that many of God's messages to Moses Malone were written on rabbits. In modern times, the bunny visits the homes of all children, though he only leaves gifts for the Christian ones. With the other kids, he just stands menacingly at the end of the bed, then hops away to wipe their tooth brushes on his ass.

Q: Who is more powerful, Jesus or the Easter Bunny?

A: I guess it makes a difference whether it's a street brawl or a sanctioned match. Jesus is naturally going to have the advantage when any kinds of regulations are in play, since He created them all by proxy. The Easter Bunny has much greater stealth ability, seeing how Jesus can't accidentally bump into anything without having it turning into wine or a snake. The Bunny's ears are more sensitive, as well. It's also fairly common knowledge that the Easter Bunny was in 'Nam. Jesus refused to serve in the Vietnam War, because he would have had to get a hair cut. Or maybe it was just a guy that looked like him in some old 1960's protest footage.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by to celebrate Easter with me. I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday. I also hope that this post was enlightening for my non-Christian readers, who now will at least know to put their toothbrushes in a locked drawer.

Stay tuned for more Easter tips from the Doctor!