Friday Q&A

Questionable Inspection

 

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. With the upcoming election, I thought I would take a chance to more closely examine the current administration's record on free speech. It's my opinion that a President should be held to account for the actions of whatever protofacist agencies he or any predecessors have propped up. The shady and backhanded dealings of the Homeland Security department under his watch have been disgraceful.

Q: What does the Department of Homeland Security do?

A: All the jobs of the ATF, FBI, CIA, NSA, WNBA, GTA and ABC. Which means they're stretched pretty thin. They can barely oppress, imprison and otherwise intimidate US citizens anymore. Something obviously has to be done, and I have a feeling it will involve me getting a colonoscopy at the airport.

Q: What can be done to shore up our defenses?

A: It's true, there are still some people with dissenting opinions who haven't felt the bittersweet blast of pepper spray. Clearly a new agency must be created to combat this scourge of protest. We'll need to think hard if we're to come up with a name to rival authoritarian overtones of the "homeland" security department.

Q: What will be the scope of this new agency?

A: Slow down, there. Giving it a purpose just pigeonholes it into one area where it can fuck people's lives up. Let's leave it open to interpretation. Department of Stopping People I don't Agree With, Bureau of Thoughtcrime, Corporation Protection Agency, these are just a few ideas. Keep it broad so it can do all sorts of stuff, like seize Internet domains and imprison people without trial for the rest of their lives. We don't need a bunch of mission statements contradicting what the agency is supposed to do when it starts cavity searching grandma before her flight back to Yuma.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I realize that after writing this post, I may not be able to board an airplane again for the rest of my natural life. Which, by the way, I'm fine with. The airlines never pass out peanuts anymore, bunch of cheap assholes. But let's be perfectly clear: I never threatened the Homeland, hell, I'm still waiting for someone to tell me where it is. Must be in an elderly person's underwear, the airport rent-a-cops sure seem keen to take a peek up there.

Stay tuned for warrantless searches from the Doctor!