Friday Q&A

Questionable Competition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to an exclusive Olympic edition of the Q&A. The awe and excitement of watching the world's athletes compete on a national stage is something I should probably get around to experiencing at some point. People certainly never seem to shut up about our bi-annual proxy war with China over who can successfully not fall off a pommel horse.

Q: What is your favorite Olympic event?

A: Biathlon, the one where they ski and then inexplicably shoot a rifle. What the hell is up with that? Is it a dry run to assassinate the Yeti? That event must be hard to pull off in the summer games, with all the snow. And even harder this year, since England has no guns. Maybe they can just hurl cutting British sarcasm at Paddington Bear during a downpour of frigid rain. Close enough. 

Q: How should Olympic cheaters be punished?

A: I think they should be applauded. After all, it's a proxy war against other, shittier countries. We have to show these foreign bastards up, and make them look like the garbage they are. Sometimes a few corners have to be cut. Blood has to be doped. How else are we going to win the proxy war and gain proxy control of the proxy world? Foreign athletes who cheat, however, should face stiff penalties and brutal crowd-based beatings. It's only fair we be given an advantage. 

Q: What is the best part of the Olympics?

A: I would have to say the closing ceremony. I've never watched it, but it always gives me relief that we can stop caring about the Olympics for another two years, and that my regularly scheduled programming will soon return to the lineup. Hooray for ancient re-runs of Dharma and Greg.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Let us now begin the closing post ceremony. I award the gold medal to you, for sitting through another insightful and relevant edition of the Q&A. I award myself the silver, for publishing it in nearly the same week as Friday. No one cares about the bronze, so we can melt that down to deal with the world's mounting financial crisis, which is in no way caused by everyone standing around giving each other medals.

Stay tuned for more fiscal alleviation from the Doctor!