Friday Q&A

Questionable Denunciation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing the Photoshop contest participants at Fark.com. Fark, like all Internet communities, is under constant threat of total devastation, despite having gotten along fine for a number of years. I do my best to be the voice of reason, shouting fire in a crowded theater. Better safe than sorry.

Q: What is destroying Fark this week?

A: Long answer? Everything. Short answer? You. In all likelihood, anyway. As a blogger, I have unique insight into the various ills that plague our community. They lurk around every corner, in every thread. Sometimes they are invisible to everyone but me. I'm sure you have doubts, but that's probably just because you're a brainwashed agent of the conspiracy. No one's perfect, I guess.

Q: What is Fark enemy #1?

A: Probably people using humor or enjoying themselves through a small bit of creative expression. That has always been a real big problem. Why can't people take their leisure activity seriously? And sit up straight, no slouching. Spit out that gum. The coveted bragging rights that come from winning a Fark contest necessitate the highest levels of comportment.  We should all be wearing cummerbunds, really.

Q: Are cliches a part of the problem?

A: Cliches will be instrumental in destruction of Fark, given that they have existed for the entire life of the site, and in many cases were around before the Internet itself. Even hatred of cliches is itself a cliche. As is creating witty and original content, and/or smashing your computer after your head explodes from trying to please everyone on the Internet. The worst cliches of all. Besides the Heineken guy.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this informative and interactive rundown of what is killing Fark. Unfortunately, there was not enough room to include all the things that threaten the sanctity of our community. For a complete list, check sections A through Z in a dictionary.

Stay tuned for more partial listings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Comparison

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, Friday's most trusted name in blogging. Thanks for joining me again. As normal for an election year, I've been preoccupied with the race for the Presidency. We've all got a tough choice to make when we cast our vote. This week, I'll be taking an unbiased look at the candidates, both Obama and the unlikeable Republican billionaire robot trying to replace him.

Q: What do you know about Obama?

A: Barrack Saddam Hussein Obama was born in a far away country called Hawaii, many years ago. His Communist Nazi father saw, in young Barrack, a way to strike back at the evil fascist corporatist capitalist optometrist US government. His son would groomed to run the highest office in the land. Or, if none of the media conglomerates were looking for CEOs at the time, President of the United States. 

Q: What do you know of his challenger?

A: Mitt Romney is a conservative politician who is often referred to as a moron. His moron faith guides every decision he makes. This is an odd sight to behold for most Americans. We're used to Presidents like George W. Bush, who never made mistakes and clearly was an actual human person. Not some sort of botched alien replicant test tube error.

Q: How do the candidates differ?

A: Depending on whom you listen to, both of them want to destroy the world. This is good news for people who hate the world. Until they realize that most politicians never deliver. You can't trust a politico to destroy something like the world, that's where most of their campaign donations come from. Besides that, we know that Mitt Romney once killed a dog with his bare hands, and that Obama personally smoked bath salts out of a bong made from the hollowed out skull of William Howard Taft. And that was just last week.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Regardless of how you cast your vote this November, in someone's eyes you are damning humanity to either the cruel bootheel of commufacism or the tedious whims of the oligarchs. Choose wisely.

Stay tuned for more important decisions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Celebration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special anniversary edition of the Q&A. Four score and five years ago, I looked upon the Fark-related hate blogging community and found it wanting. Where was the carefully-sourced accuracy? The unbiased commentary that we were all demanding so vocally? A change had to be made, and so I took pen to paper. Later on, I would discard the paper and just write directly on the computer screen to save time.

Q: Why does Fark need bloggers?

A: Everything needs bloggers. Blogging is the single greatest form of human expression ever comprised. Better than poetry, better than painting, the tapestry I carefully weave with my butthurt is fit to hang in any gallery, alongside works by the great masters of every artistic discipline. In fact, get all that old crap out of there. Maybe if da Vinci had rambled on incessantly about his various opinions, people would remember whatever it is he's famous for.

Q: How did you get into blogging?

A: A dear old friend of mine showed me just how fun it can be to vomit out a wall of text and then stare as it languishes on the screen. Good old TSZ. We'll never know exactly what happened to him, but I assume he died. Let's have a moment of silence now, in honor of all the silent moments we experienced whenever he attempted humor.

Q: Why are you celebrating the Clinic's anniversary a month late?

A: Oops. In classic Picture Clinic style, I didn't pay attention. It's not exactly worthy of being marked on my calendar, so the only way I can save the date is by remembering it. Now we all know my memory is flawless. I'm able to recall things that happened five or even ten minutes ago. But somehow, the golden anniversary of my hate blog's inception went unnoticed. Both readers must have been pretty upset about that. My apologies.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping in. I hope to bring you many more years of insane commentary that is tangentially related to Photoshop. The traditional gift for the five year anniversary is wood, but I already get wood every time you happen by to read my words of hate.

Stay tuned for more unpleasant imagery from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Convention

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Your source for the hottest wild speculation and outright falsehood. It's an election year here in America, the only part of the world that matters. A Presidential election to boot, and that means 24/7 coverage and conjecture. So, pretty much exactly like it's been since the end of the last Presidential election.

Q: Did you watch the Republican and Democratic National Conventions?

A: I was torn between my duty as a blogger to be uninformed, and my patriotic need as an American not to give a crap about politics. Still, it's impossible to turn away from these shit fests with our 24 hour a day media. 

Q: Which candidate do you support?

A: It's tough to tell them apart. Though one of them is black, I guess that makes it easier. And the other one is some kind of robot, space alien, or lab-cloned genetic mutant, depending on which email forwarded from your crazy aunt that you choose to inform yourself with. I must say, it's tough to root against the human race. 

Q: So do you implicitly agree with the militant fascist communazi dogma espoused by all mainstream liberal politicians?

A: Conflating all of those ideologies is like getting chocolate in my peanut butter. I'm an American. I don't have time to hate specific things. It's easier to just lump it all together in a big seething pile of raw political thought and see what kind of strange hybrids emerge. That's how I got my plan to require a five day waiting period before the purchase of lawn gnomes. 

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. When you cast your vote this November, I want you to envision a majestic, soaring eagle, carefully gripping the constitution or perhaps another raggedy document in his talons. And a kicking rock ballad is blaring in the background as the eagle swoops majestically over both purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain. Then go ahead and vote for whatever retard you feel like.

Stay tuned for more futile imagery from the Doctor!