Friday Q&A

Questionable Horrification

Greeting, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special edition of the Q&A. Halloween is just around the corner, and I like to kick off the scariest month of the year in proper frightful fashion. Time to string up the spooky decorations, or if you're like me, do nothing. Since you never took them down from last year.

Q: Do have any decorating suggestions?

A: Always. Halloween is one of those holidays where you want to go all out. I do my best to give my home the classic, spooky haunted feel. Mainly by performing little to no maintenance or yard work throughout the entire year. If you do your house up right, it will scare off any unruly kids and you won't have to waste good money on overpriced candy.

Q: Why does a "fun size" candy bar cost more than a full size one?

A: Candy companies are terrified of the shrinking market caused by health obsessed, paranoid parents. Parents who suddenly have a problem with their children ringing the doorbells of strange houses to receive something that has most likely not been poisoned by a psychopath. If you still have trick-or-treaters happen by your home in 2012, you most likely live in a picturesque rural township that acts as a front for a meth production operation. So just give the kids some of your meth.

Q: Do you have any costume suggestions for this year?

A: Once upon a time, you didn't have to worry about dressing up on Halloween unless you were under 10 years old. But in modern society, where adults seldom progress mentally past that age, it's commonplace to find yourself socially obligated to plan a costume. If you find yourself in such a situation, first check which sex you are. Females are socially obligated to dress as some sort of whore or whore version of a popular character. If you're a guy, just put a trash bag over your head and be a ghost. You got off lucky this time. No one gives a fuck what you're wearing, everyone is ogling the women.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you follow these tips to help plan a safe and happy Halloween. Remember to never paint your house, avoid buying candy and dress yourself in trash bags if at all possible. Though the average Clinic reader most likely does all these things.

Stay tuned for more condescending assumptions from the Doctor!