Spookday Q&A

 Questionable Insertion

Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a frightful new edition of the Q&A. The scariest day of the year is rapidly approaching, but don't worry, I'll have full coverage of the upcoming election next week. This week is all about Halloween.

Q: What's the best way to have a safe Halloween?

A: From inside a hardened concrete bunker. Halloween has become increasingly dangerous, with the current generation of idiots realizing they will have to up the mischief factor if they want their prank videos to be noticed on Youtube. Add to that the moral degradation of children due to years of Spongebob cartoons, and you have a potent cocktail of misanthropy and narcissism being unleashed on All Hallow's Eve.

Q: Am I going to die getting candy?

A: Seems like a pretty honorable way for a grown man to die. Given that modern medicine and diplomacy have all but blotted out the honor in death, and your choices now range between getting hit by bus or crapping yourself in a hospital bed for an extended period. Why not go out like a man, chain smoking cigars whilst shoveling rare-cooked steak into your mouth in a violent alcoholic stupor? You'll win first prize at the costume contest for sure.

Q: How come I never find razors in my candy?

A: If you're like me, you spent your childhood searching for the elusive free razor blade many authority figures claimed various ne'er-do-wells were prone to insert into any unassuming piece of candy. Maybe my luck wasn't good enough back then. Nowadays, we know that Homeland Security inserts the razors themselves to combat terrorism. It's for your own good, citizen. What if a terrorist decided to celebrate an impending act of terrorism with a piece of delicious candy? Except that candy has a razor in it. Score one for Uncle Sam.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you follow these tips to have a safe and happy Halloween. Always inspect your children's treats, and remember to send them back out with another improvised costume if you don't feel they brought in enough candy this year.

Stay tuned for more parenting tips from the Doctor!