The Photoshoptor Doctor Picture Clinic

Friday Q&A

2012-02-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

Questionable Recalibration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing the Photoshoppers of Fark.com. Occasionally, those issues even have to do with Photoshop. It doesn't happen often, but such was the case when I broke the story of Best vs Funny. The much ballyhooed new voting system was implemented last month, amid many more jeers than cheers. Let's take a look at all the good it's done for us, shall we?

Q: Which is more important, Best or Funny?

A: I could go on here about the importance of laughter and making people smile, but it doesn't really matter. Skill is clearly more important, now that the Leaderboard is tossing out all votes for "Funniest" and counting only "Best." As a comment from i-dig a couple weeks back will explain, the Leaderboard had previously been counting both "Best" and "Funniest" and adding them up to get a completely different list of winners than you would see in the actual Fark thread. After petitioning the Powers that Be for a redress of this issue, i-dig explained that the Leaderboard now unfortunately only counts Best votes. 100, or even 1000 Funny votes do not equal even one Best vote.

Q: Is Fark a serious Photoshopping site now?

A: On the surface it would appear so, at least for historical purposes. Future generations of PSers will ponder over exactly what this quaint idea of laughter even was. Some sort of involuntary vocal outburst triggered by absurdity? What point did it serve, they will wonder. Why did we make these so-called jokes? Is the element of humor destined to become a vestigial part of the human consciousness?

Q: Aren't Fark contests about making people laugh?

A: They're about making people waste time. Bored people entertaining other bored people, artists competing for scraps of attention from a fickle audience. Whether you make someone pause and admire the brilliance of your work, or the absurdity, the results for the viewer are the same: a few seconds closer to the end of the work day, or diversion from the horrors of family life.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Kudos to Drew for making Fark a serious Photoshopping site for serious Photoshop business. Now the kids can play around and spill juice on the carpet in their Funniest section, and the people who take themselves and their skills very seriously can be safely walled-off in the Best section. Segregation for everyone! This is probably not the best way to end a column during Black History Month. Oh well, fuck it.

Stay tuned for more racial insensitivity from the Doctor!

Gameday Q&A

2012-02-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Questionable Interception

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special Superbowl edition of the Q&A. The teams are ready. The grass on the field glistens with the fresh dew of a new morn, or if it's astroturf, has at least been vacuumed. At this point I am contractually obligated to ask, are you ready for some football?

Q: Are you excited about the big game?

A: I'll admit, I don't normally follow football (or as it's known abroad, American soccer), but you just can't help getting swept up in the excitement over famed quarterback Tim T-bone. I understand he won't be playing for either team, but there's talk of him fighting Madonna to the death during her half time performance for being such a blasphemous slut. The teams that actually are playing have a storied rivalry, and I should probably go Google their names at some point.

Q: Who's your pic for this year's Superbowl champ?

A: Tim Teeball by 100 points. No, 200 points! With God on his side, there's nothing he can't achieve! If there's one thing the Almighty cares about, it's fixing the scores of professional sporting events. That must be why we have so many plagues and disasters in the third world. God is too busy making sure the Broncos cover the spread. He would have been better off picking an easier task, like making a rock so big even he couldn't lift it.

Q: Do you have any tips for the opposing teams?

A: They don't need my help. As previously stated, all professional sporting events are rigged by either God or Satan himself. Since the Patriots are playing, you can assume Satan has this one locked down. Personally, I hope God stays out of it for once. The last thing we need in 2012 is a battle between Good and Evil. At least not so early in the year.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Have an awesome Superbowl Sunday. I'd like to digress for a moment here at the end, so that I can offer my appreciation to i-dig for his tireless work in helping build our community. I'm sorry the powers that be wouldn't listen to reason.

Stay tuned for more sincere gratitude from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2012-01-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

Questionable Redaction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. You might recall last weeks post as a bandwagoning cop-out the anti-censorship movement. This was by design, censorship is a big problem in our society, almost as big as the ██████. It takes a true patriot like me to see everyone doing something and copy them.

Q: Has censorship finally been defeated?

A: My heroic actions taken in saving the Internet seem to have brought about a lasting peace that will surely endure until at least next week. Saying nopa to SOPA is a good start, but evil governments and corporate entities are always working together in hopes of finding newer, better ways to crush our rights.

Q: What are they working on now?

A: Probably some other freedom-grabbing "Act" with a deceptive name. If we start hearing about the Hug Bunnies Whilst Giving our Children a Better Tomorrow Act, you can bet it has a provision hidden somewhere inside that okays the usage of torture on suspected copyright infringers, who will now simply be referred to as "terrorists".

Q: Has Fark's voting system been restored?

A: Unfortunately, no. The powers that be are doubling down on their "best or funniest" idea, despite massive public and private outcry against the changes. No consideration was apparently given toward any third party sites that handle statistical analysis, despite clear evidence that they knew such places existed. In classic Fark fashion, management is absolutely wedded to the dual voting idea, and will not consider changing back, no matter how much we hate it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close by offering my gratitude towards everyone who spoke out against the voting change. I think we all knew that our pleas would fall on deaf ears, but at the least I can take solidarity in the fact that so many share my views on this topic.

Stay tuned for more useless sentiment from the Doctor!

██████ █&█

2012-01-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

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Q: ██████ ████ ███ ███ ██████ █████?

A: █████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ █ ████████ ██████████ █████ █████ ██ ████████████████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ █ ████████ ██████████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ █ ████████ ██████████ █████ █████ ████████████████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ █ ████████ ██████████

Q: ████████ ██████ █████ ███████████████ █████?

Q: ████████ ███ ████████████ █████?

A: █████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ █ ████████ ██████████ █████ █████ ██ ████████████████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ █ ████████ ██████████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ██████ █ ████████ █████████████ ██████ ██ ██████████ █████████████████████████ ██████ ██████ ██ ███ ██████ ██ ███ ██████ ██ ███ ██████ ██ ███ ██████ ██ ███ ██████ ██ ███ ██████ ██ ██

██████ ███ ███ ████ ████ ██████ ███████ ██████ ███ ███████ ███ ████████ ███ ██████. ███████ ██ ███████ ████████ ███ ████████████ ███ █████ ████ ████ ██ ███████ ███████ ████████ ████ ████ ██ ██ █ █████ █████ ██ ██ █ █████ █████ ██ ██ ████ ██ ██ █ ███ ████ ██ ██████ ██ ██ █ ███ Also, censorship is bad.

Stay tuned for more redacted truth from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2012-01-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

Questionable Destruction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues in the world of Fark Photoshop. As you may recall from last week's post, the powers that be recently instituted a change in the voting system. To say that these changes are unpopular is a vastly understated, yet somewhat charitable assessment.

Q: What's wrong with split voting?

A: Splitting the vote in twain presents a number of directly negative effects. Lower voting totals in each category top the list, and we're already starting to notice that now. Giving two winners also dilutes the minute amount of personal glory one might receive from winning such a contest. Maybe they can add an "at least you tried" button next. If changing the voting system was intended to raise morale, I think it's safe to say pretty much the opposite of that has happened.

Q: What was the purpose of these changes?

A: The new system is a giveaway to a certain small, albeit very vocal segment of the PSing population. I've had many names for this group over the years, and I'm struggling to think of one that isn't derogatory. The Anti-Fun League? The Stick in the Mud Gang? Basically, they're the people who complain endlessly about another participant's usage of the Beer Looter, whilst simultaneously not improving their own skills past the point where they could beat Lootie, or any other cliche. What's deliciously ironic is that the new system has done nothing to stop the Looter, and in fact he's shown up in Best and Funniest plenty of times since the change.

Q: Why must everything good on the Internet be ruined?

A: I have a theory about this. Basically the laws of the e-world are different than what we face in the real one. In the real world, something good can be created, and no one sees the need to mess with it, or try to improve it to death. But on the Internet, ideas pass through the successive hands of many different control freaks. It's one thing to maintain the Photoshop community at Fark, which has existed for years with no need of intervention. But to make it better, to leave one's mark on a system that has stood the test of time, that's the carrot they go for that gives us the stick. Over the years, I've seen many good services suffer death by improvement. Photobucket, Digg, and every social media service I can think of just to name a few. It's sad to see our beloved Fark contests suffer the same fate.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I urge anyone who is still bothered by the new voting system to speak their peace in the PSAEF, with as much civility as possible. The record for reversals on this kind of thing is not good, it is going to be an uphill battle if we seriously want to get it changed back. Difficulty notwithstanding, I see it as a worthwhile cause, and therefore offer my assistance in any way I can. As long as I don't have to do anything.

Stay tuned for more useless proclamations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2012-01-06T15:24:00.000-08:00

Questionable Ignoration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It's been a week or so since the powers that be at Fark ruined the voting system (or made it better, depending on which interpretation of reality you choose). Despite a massive outpouring of dissatisfaction, the much-ballyhooed changes remain in place.

Q: How has the voting system been damaged?

A: The new option to vote an entry either "best" or "funniest" has split the vote, leaving much lower totals than I would have expected in a number of contests. I suspect that just like we had people who thought it proper to only vote for one entry, we now apparently have at least a few purists who won't choose an entry as both best and funniest.

Q: Why didn't they roll back these horrible changes?

A: Fark does not have a long history of doing that. The old axiom is "you'll get over it," not "let me accommodate your every whim". I suspect the change in voting systems is linked to another recently added feature, which allows comment voting in non-PS threads. You can apparently vote for any post as either "smart" or "funny", an idea that I find to be neither. Is Reddit stealing enough of Fark's audience that Drew feels the need to emulate that den of meme-spouting pseudo intellectualism?

Q: What has been management's response to these criticisms?

A: Deafening silence. They know damn well we hate the new voting system. It's completely useless inside the Photoshop contests and out. We're apparently supposed to wait and see how the changes pan out. You know, because when someone capriciously ruins something I enjoy, my immediate reaction is to do nothing and hope the situation turns out for the best.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. If, on the astronomically small chance that a Fark mоdmin happens upon this post, please just hear me out. The new system is shit. It unnecessarily messes with the flow of discussion outside the contests (not every thread is about being smart or funny) and is about as popular amongst Photoshoppers as unsliceable bread that gives you herpes. Useless gimmicks like this won't drive traffic to the site. Look at the comment voting in the average discussion thread, barely anyone even uses it. While I respect the intent to better our community, I sorely disagree with the course of action it has taken.

Stay tuned for more desperate pleas from the Doctor!

New Year's Q&A

2011-12-31T02:53:00.000-08:00

Questionable Evolution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the last Clinic post of the year. I sure picked a hell of a week to go on vacation. I returned to discover Fark management had instituted a change in the voting procedure. Entries can now be judged on two purportedly different criteria: "best" and "funniest".

Q: How were the new changes received?

A: A quick straw poll of the PSAEF saw the new system being almost universally panned. What can I say, Photoshoppers don't like change. I changed my underwear once, and it was awful. When it comes to deviating from a system that has worked perfectly well since forever, the general response among PSers was something akin to this:

Q: Is the concern warranted?

A: I tend to think so. There have always been two camps among Photoshoppers, call them the "skills" set and the "silly" set. For as long as anyone can remember, the two groups have openly argued about the essence of Fark Photoshop. Should humor prevail, or should a well-made entry win the day in votes? This new change is an obvious kowtow to both camps, whilst simultaneously doing each of them a disservice.

Q: How are both sides poorly served by this new system?

A: I tend to think of Fark contests like what the Academy Awards would be like, if whatever current weepy Oscar-bait had to compete against a Youtube clip of a guy getting hit in the nuts. The Oscar-bait had to be that much better than the nut shot was funny, if it wanted to win. Now the serious and funny pics are no longer in contention with each other. It may seem like apples an oranges to some of you, but I believe the two sides drove each other more than we actually realize.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. We'll just have to wait and see how the new system works out. Maybe the powers the be will see reason, and mercifully return us to the old way of voting. Maybe not. I'll continue to follow how the situation evolves. Thanks again for stopping by, and happy new year to you. I hope the Photoshop Gods (or God if you're a Photoshop monotheist) smile upon you in 2012.

Stay tuned for more blasphemous blessings from the Doctor!

Yuletide Q&A

2011-12-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

Questionable Cancellation

Greetings, crickets and elves. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of the Q&A. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. I'm on vacation this week and won't be taking any questions. I hope this season finds you with all the warmth and joy you so richly deserve. Join me next week for my final post of 2011.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-12-16T15:25:00.000-08:00

Questionable Legislation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues pertaining the the world of Fark Photoshop. As we wind down to the end of the year, we arrive at the time when American lawmakers try to push through draconian legislation in the hopes everyone is too drunk on eggnog to notice. This year, they're proffering a particularly shitty bill called SOPA, the Stop Online Piracy Act.

Q: What does this proposed measure do?

A: As is my understanding, SOPA would give the copyright gestapo carte blanche to kick your door in and drag you off to jail in the dead of the night, after shooting your dog because it barked at them. If you do not own a dog, one will be provided for you and shot at your expense. All this because a Prince song could heard playing in the background of a Youtube video you uploaded.

Q: How will SOPA effect Photoshopping?

A: Given that some jerkoff can claim ownership of every single image on the Internet, I'd say it's bound to effect us eventually. Look at the trouble Grampy got into with the owner of the Fark Squirrel. Now imagine that multiplied by a thousand, with each of us facing real prison time for each offense.

Q: How can we stop SOPA?

A: It's sad to say, but we probably can't. There are powerful forces at work trying to push this through, the same forces who have bought our congressmen and corrupted the system with their influence. My advice is to get the hell out of America before it completely transforms into a fascist police state of corporate rule. Don't bother trying Canada, it's just destined to become a fascist police state that smells like maple syrup. Mexico seems tempting, but it's gotten awful murder-y lately with all those drug cartels. In truth, most of the world is either too squalid, or poised to enact similar freedom-crushing legislation. I'll report back with more suitable potential escape locations as I uncover them.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want you to know that I intend to keep Cliche City going, despite this threatening legislation. It's an important resource for our community, and I'll be damned if I let some bureaucrats take it offline. Should it ever disappear, check this blog for details on how to find it.

Stay tuned for more civil disobedience from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-12-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

Questionable Ingratiation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. The holiday season is once again upon us, and you're no doubt scrambling to get on Santa's good list after a year of evil deeds and fuckery. It's something I've become quite adept at in my lifetime. Luckily, I'm more than happy to share a few techniques to help gloss over your own misdeeds.

Q: How did you know about my misdeeds?

A: I'm a blogger, it's my job to know these things. And also to blog, but thankfully that part doesn't come up nearly as much as the fun stuff like watching people through telescopes and combing through their garbage. The trash from an average household contains a wealth of information and potentially even some coffee filters with a few uses left.

Q: How can I smooth things over with Santa?

A: This is a tough one. Santa isn't like God, where you can casually disregard the rules as long as you say you're sorry at some point. Santa doesn't understand prayers and platitudes. He only speaks two languages: milk and cookies. The ratio is 3 ounces of milk and one gram of cookie for each misdeed. And don't try to fake him out with some store bought crap. Those better be homemade cookies and whole milk, none of that low fat or 2% shit.

Q: What if I'm not Christian?

A: Boy, are you in trouble. Don't let Santa find out. I've never understood the purpose of religions that don't turn the celebration of their savior's birth into a chintzy commercialized festival of gluttony. What's the point? All that time spent praying could better used for standing in front of big box electronics stores in hopes of getting a cheap TV. If you picked one of the boring non-gift regions, you're on your own.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, you'll find a way to get on Santa's good side. And don't worry. There's still several more days left to be bad before you'll need to seriously think about seeing the error of your ways.

Stay tuned for more delayed absolution from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-12-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

Questionable Incantation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, your source for all the hearsay and conjecture that's fit to print. Like a lot of bloggers, I long ago realized that the truth is what I make it. But unlike a lot of bloggers, I know you're not interested in whether or not I cut the crust off my peanut butter sandwiches (yes), or what my position on government is (burn it). So I try to stay on target as much as possible without getting bogged down with a bunch of talk about my day (it was lovely, thanks for asking).

Q: How can I win at Photoshop?

A: Throughout the years, many have sought to give themselves a competitive edge in Fark.com's Photoshop contests. What some might call "practice" and "effort", I call blatant cheating. If one person actually spends time working on their entry, then we'll all have to start doing it. Thankfully, these busybodies are rarely rewarded for their actions. They are usually the ones you see crying over their hard work going ignored.

Q: Doesn't practice breed perfection?

A: Indeed it does, but perfection does not necessarily guarantee success, especially in the shoot from the hip world of Fark Photoshop. There, it's not so much about dazzling the voters with your skills, it's more about creating a connection with them. This is why references to cliches do so well. People say "I remember that" and vote for it. Not a glamorous path to victory, but Fark contests are one of the few places where the ends justify the means. Or in this case, the memes.

Q: How can I shed unwanted perfection?

A: This is the hard part. I suggest lots of rot-gut liquor to calm your nerves. If you're still having problems, your best bet is going to be some kind of voodoo and/or hoodoo. The Black Arts are not usually used for self-sabotage, but it should work in a pinch. You don't have to sacrifice a chicken, but keep in mind that there are plenty of image manglers unafraid to spill some blood, especially if it gives them a better chance of attaining a brief moment of recognition in a Fark contest.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this quick primer on how to possibly gain a slight edge at Photoshop, whilst simultaneously losing all self-respect, which I think we can agree is a creative barrier that simply must be knocked down. Possibly by calling upon cheap spirits or dark forces who could potentially devour your immortal soul. Assuming such things actually exist.

Stay tuned for more arcane superstition from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-11-25T15:11:00.000-08:00

Questionable Jollification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome a special after thanksgiving edition of the Q&A. I'm thankful you stopped by, provided you agree with me and never question my opinions. Thanksgiving has to be one of the greatest holidays ever conceived, after Christmas, Halloween, President's Day, Vice-President's Day, and the Day of the Dead.

Q: Why doesn't the rest of the world celebrate Thanksgiving?

A: True to form, the rest of the world continues to spit in the face of the USA. Who are they to question the actions of our brave Pilgrims, who fought and died so that you could eat a disproportionately large amount of turkey? Someone should get a petition together and make the rest of the world start celebrating Thanksgiving. These colors don't run. We should also sue Canada for holiday infringement because of their ripoff Thanksgiving in October.

Q: Can you share the story of the first Thanksgiving?

A: This really is the kind of thing they should be teaching you in school. But very well. Once upon a time, the Pilgrims set sail for the new world. They had big dreams of forging a new way of life in the harsh wilderness. Where everyone would be free to be forced to worship their scowling interpretation of the Lord. Life was hard in the New World, and the first year took a heavy toll on these devoutly religious new citizens. Luckily some friendly Indians invited the Pilgrims into their casino and taught them the mysteries of planting corn (you have to bury the seeds and pour water on them). The Pilgrims were forever grateful, and responded by going on to only decimate most of the native population.

Q: What about Black Friday?

A: Black Friday nicely balances the sappy goodwill and togetherness of Thanksgiving with some good old fashioned elbowing and Grandma face-punching. A holiday wherein poorly manufactured electronics are priced so low that people injure each other in an attempt to secure the items for purchase. Nothing could be more American than that. The annual trampling and maiming deaths are just part of circle of me getting a cheap laptop.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Now that we've gotten Thanksgiving and Grandma Trampling Day out of the way, I'm looking forward to beginning the Christmas season in earnest. It's time to put my time saving plan of having left the decorations up all year long into play.

Stay tuned for more holiday efficiency from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-11-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

Questionable Reorganization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly look into the world of Fark Photoshop through the lens of a clearly insane person has been a fixture in our community for several years. This week, I'll be taking a look at the preliminary effectiveness of some recent changes made to the contest structure.

Q: How much do you hate the changes?

A: I'm actually pretty fond of them. That might seem illogical, for as a blogger I am sworn to hate everything. However, the scheduling changes needed to be made. Creating persistent time slots for the contests to go live has given the queue a bit of stability that it had been lacking in recent years.

Q: Has participation increased?

A: Looking for some kind of skyrocketing increase this early on in the implementation would be ridiculous. These are the kind of changes that take years to show actual growth. What I'm looking for, realistically, is any sign of leveling off to the decline in participation we had previously been experiencing. Turnout seems to be fairly consistent throughout the week, with it occasionally spiking for a particularly good contest or dipping for a lousy one. So far, it looks as if there's no true "best" time slot, but you still don't want to get stuck going live on the weekend, especially Sunday.

Q: How can we shore up the weekend losses?

A: There are two barriers to our success: the standard work week and organized religion, especially the ones who pester their respective sky wizards on Sunday. People aren't viewing contests on the weekend, because they are home from work and doing other things that interest them (numismatism, kite flying, building mоdels of 16th century prisons, reenacting The Great Gatsby with an all squirrel cast, praying to various sky wizards, etc). So, all we need to to is tear down any and all institutions of organized religion, and destroy all forms of leisure activity. Don't worry, there will be plenty of time to mess around with Photoshop when you're supposed to be working.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'll be closely watching the contests over the next few months to see if these scheduling changes bear fruit. Unless I get distracted by other leisure activities (historical recreation, wine tasting, macrame, glue sniffing, taxidermy. etc). We'll just have to see.

Stay tuned for more potential distractions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-11-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

Questionable Sensation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues related to Fark's Photoshop community. This time, I'll be giving you a rare inside look at my creative process. Be warned, you might not want to look directly at my creative process, in fact you'd be well served in shielding your eyes like you would during an eclipse.

Q: Do you use a Wacom or a mouse?

A: Any serious Photoshopper will tell you that a Wacom stylus is a necessity for image mangling. This is because most serious Photoshoppers have been paid off by the Wacom corporation to help move several warehouses filled with unsold Bamboo Funs. No one wants to tell the ugly truth: your newly-purchased Wacom will most likely gather dust, while you continue to use the mouse. Or trackball, if you're stuck in 1993.

Q: What use are Wacoms best suited for?

A: Like I already said, they have a flat surface that's great for gathering dust. And the stylus pen is small enough that it will easily become lost in between the times that you actually use it. I have made good use of mine for detail work, but the process of retraining my hand to use the stylus instead of the mouse was something that I never took to.

Q: What is the future of Photoshop peripheral devices?

A: Hopefully not stuff that requires you to use your hands like a cavemen. There are many technologies currently in use by disabled people that could be easily repurposed for individuals who are just really, really lazy. I'm eager to see what the future brings. Unless it brings stuff like authoritarian police states and robotic overlords. In which case I will likely throw my disused Wacom at them whilst I attempt a courageous retreat.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this excitingly informative look at the world of Photoshopping peripherals. Maybe it will inspire you to dust off that old trackball, or to pour dust onto your Wacom. Be forewarned, doing so most likely voids the warranty.

Stay tuned for more maintenance suggestions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-11-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

Questionable Rejuvenation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special after-Halloween edition of the Q&A. This week, we're going to play a fun game called "don't agitate the Doctor's hangover". The festivities for last week's celebration were a complete success. A little bit too much of a success. I've decided to stay in bed until Thanksgiving arrives, and I can hopefully get some decent cobbler.

Q: Why do people drink so much on Halloween?

A: That holiday suffers from the law of diminishing returns once you start to get older. Tons of free candy doesn't seem like enough of a justification to don a cheap mask made from lead-bearing extruded plastic. Especially when all of the candy comes in so-called "fun size", which is apparently less than a third of normal size. As we grow into adults, it becomes a game of consuming large amounts of alcohol and leering at women in overtly-sexual costumes. Still sub par compared to the prospect of free candy, but it's a start.

Q: How do you get rid of a hangover?

A: Hangovers rarely strike me due to my intense medical training and knowledge of human physiology. I know, for example, that a woman's menstrual cycle is actually a sign of demonic possession. I know that laughter is the best medicine, after Vicodin. I know to drink somewhere between zero to 100 glasses of water a day. And most importantly, I know that if you have a headache THIS BIG, it has Excedrin written all over it. Or more likely, some horrible store brand knockoff that tastes like chalk.

Q: Does binge drinking help your creative process?

A: As a Photoshopper, I'm always looking for new ways to get my creative mojo working. My years spent as a medical professional have taught me that the human brain is a complex and beautiful thing, which needs to be drowned in mind-numbing intoxicants at all times. It's bound to give you a few good ideas, but I would strongly recommend you suppress any impulses to punch cops and eat at Arby's. That never ends well.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It looks like I've got a lot of work ahead of me if I want to get my place cleaned up in time for next year's Halloween. Actually, I might leave things the way they are until I can borrow a ladder to get those puke stains off the ceiling.

Stay tuned for more home improvements from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

2011-10-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

Questionable Zombification

Greetings, cadavers and ghouls. Welcome to a special Saturday Halloween edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by, you can help me barricade the windows and doors in case of a zombie attack. The zombie apocalypse is something that every homeowner should be prepared for. In today's Q&A, I'll be giving you some helpful tips on how to survive in a grim dystopia where the survivors envy the dead. If you live in Detroit, you might also find it helpful.

Q: Why would you want to survive a zombie attack?

A: Good question! After all, the idea of eternally walking the Earth to feast on the living seems downright appealing. To me at least. But you have to remember that after a while, most of the humans will be eaten. Zombies will be forced to subsist off a diet of cable news anchors and "reality" television stars. But for a few pockets of humanity, survival brings the promise of looted treasure and plenty of free parking. Plus the option of burning whole cities to the ground based entirely on having had a bad layover there once.

Q: How should I protect my home against a zombie attack?

A: A home is no good. You'll be a sitting duck there. What you need is a good survival shelter. You want to build your zombie survival shelter right next to one used by the elderly, infirm, pregnant or handicapped. The zombies will hopefully be distracted by these easy targets long enough for you to effect a courageous retreat. In the event that no one is available to distract the zombies, try building your shelter precariously atop a flagpole. In all the movies I've ever seen, not one zombie has ever climbed a flagpole.

Q: What if I get bitten?

A: BOOM! Headshot. But if I get bitten, it's a completely different story. This is another area where I differ with conventional horror films. Why do wounded characters always seem to insist on being shot before they turn? Being shot hurts way less after you've changed into a zombie than it does beforehand. And if you wait until I turn, you might as well let me go be a zombie with the rest of zombie society. Changes to my blog would barely be noticeable.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. And in the event that zombies actually do attack one day, I promise to carry the torch of mankind's legacy into the new era. As long as it isn't too heavy, or if I need room in my looted car for all the stuff I'm looting.

Stay tuned for more post-apocalyptic looting from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-10-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

Questionable Horrification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As I'm sure you're aware, Halloween is just a few days away. This spooky season has always been my favorite part of the year, mainly since it's the only time when my outdoor holiday decorations that I refuse to take down are relevant. Though the lights do work just as well at Christmas.

Q: Why do you like Halloween so much?

A: It's one of those holidays that remind me of when I was a kid. I'll bet you can't name another holiday wherein anyone can don a crudely fashioned costume and impersonate a child for the purpose of getting candy. Never mind the awkward moment when someone notices there's a bit too much hair on the knuckles of that hand holding a trick or treat bag.

Q: Isn't trick or treating for kids?

A: Yeah, kids of all ages. The older you get, the more candy you can haul. Here's a tip, try working a car into your costume so you can use it to carry excess loot. For example, you could say you're the Headless Horseman for the 21st century prior to suffering the decapitation that earned his moniker. Or you could say you're a Transformer in vehicle mоde, that way you don't even have to get out of the car.

Q: Why not just buy candy from the store?

A: I'm going to pretend you didn't ask something so stupid. Or actually, I'm going to mock you for it a bit more. BUY candy? From a STORE? Have you seen how bad the economy is? Halloween is my chance to score enough provisions to last until Thanksgiving. Then I can subsist off of fun size Snickers and Zagnut bars.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Remember, it's never too early to start trick or treating. I've been doing it myself since September. Join me next week, when I'll be offering more tips to have a spooktacular Halloween! Or I might just move on to something else, since this holiday is advertised far enough in advance that most people are sick of it by that time it actually arrives.

Stay tuned for more Christmas fun from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-10-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Questionable Prognostication

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you took the time to join me again. Each week, I examine various issues that are occasionally of interest to Photoshoppers of Fark.com. The elite cadre of image manglers who choose to push pixels for that site are some of the best people the Internet has to offer. We often wonder what the future holds for our community, so this week I'm going to use the power of my superior intellect to forecast, nay dictate what is to come.

Q: What is to come?

A: Examining the current trend of incremental reduction amongst contest participants would lead one to believe that we will continue to see a decline in entries per year. However, there has to be a point where it levels out. Otherwise we would eventually just be a handful of people entering contests, with masses of empty threads unchristened by any Photoshopper. I have yet to see a contest go live with zero TF entries, and even in low volume threads the Liters always pick up the slack.

Q: What about the current scheduling effort?

A: The current policy amongst Fark's administrators of keeping the contests to a schedule is probably the most ambitious effort made on their part thus far to breathe life into our community. It can be argued that it's a bit too little too late, but I'm just happy to see the gears are turning. I believe that if kept up, it might just turn the tide. However, it's going to take a long time to see actual results.

Q: What will we do in the meantime?

A: The same thing we always do. Either bitch about the decline of Fark or rigidly defend it. At no point should either side consider the points made by the other. Remember, this is the Internet, where opinions do battle on a glorious field of misinformation. I doubt that Fark itself has much to fear, as the community seems to be self-sustaining. Declining percentages mean nothing to me when I can still browse a contest thread and get the same amount of enjoyment as I did in previous years.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this look into the future. Feel free to refer back to it later on to see how right I was. I feel confident enough making these predictions, as we already know the world is set to be destroyed by the Mayan death gods in 2012, if that John Cusack movie I only saw the previews for was any indicator. So we really only have to make it another year or so.

Stay tuned for more certain demise from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-10-07T16:47:00.000-07:00

Questionable Incrementation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues pertaining to the Photoshop community at Fark.com. It's my way of giving back, without expending serious effort or relinquishing anything of actual value.

Q: Has contest participation begun to improve?

A: As you might already know, Fark's administrators recently began a policy of keeping the Photoshop contest live times on a more rigid schedule. The question is, will giving Photoshoppers a bit more scheduling consistency actually translate to higher participation? According to stats courtesy of Misfit Squirrels, the number of entries per year has been falling steadily since 2004. I expect the overall number of entries to fall for 2011 as well, given the powers that be waited until the late part of the year to attempt any changes.

Q: Why did they wait so long?

A: This is the question I've been asking my self. We've all been aware of the falling participation for years now, the entirety of several whiny blogs having been devoted to the subject. Why are the admins only just now waking up to this fact? And why did it seem like they were absolutely determined in previous years to put the best contests at the worst times of day?

Q: Why do you find this to be so hilarious?

A: Because none of us know what we want. We complain about people posting too many entries per contest in one breath, and complain about the number of entries per year falling in the next. We haughtily recall the good old days, when we should be reaching out to new users. All while the people in charge sit on their hands until the last minute, and then hope a stopgap solution will act as a panacea.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I sincerely hope that the new measures put in place will serve to draw in more participants to our community. However, I see no immediate change. This is unfortunate, because if this is the kind of gradual, incremental change that you never notice happening, it's bound to have lost my attention by the time it does any good.

Stay tuned for more attention dysfunction from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-09-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

Questionable Regimentation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to yet another informative edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again. In last week's post, I outlined some upcoming changes to the way Fark does Photoshop contests. Normally, the very suggestion of such an idea would be enough to send our community into full-on red alert crisis mode. Luckily, the dumber proposals seem to have died quietly during the course of discussion.

Q: Which ideas didn't make it?

A: The general consensus amongst Photoshoppers, when asked how they would feel about only getting two contests a day, was a resounding "OH HELL NAW." Well, message received on the part of the management. We appear to be staying at three contests a day for now. Likewise, the brilliant suggestion to give Liters early access to the contest images (effectively nullifying TotalFark), does not appear to be getting off the ground any time soon. That idea has been floated by a few of my fellow Photoshoppers, but didn't seem to get much traction with the powers that be. Not surprisingly, Drew doesn't want to fuck with the way his site makes money.

Q: What kind of schedule are the contests sticking to?

A: Live times are being kept to what is assumed to be peek hours. Under this new schedule, a contest will appear on the main Fark page at 9 am, 1 pm, and 5 pm est. Management theorizes that keeping a stricter schedule will draw in more participants. I will agree that the random timing of contests in the past was annoying, and may have contributed to the decline in voter turnout. It's too soon to know if this new strategy will work, but I'm sure the next few weeks of contests will be closely monitored for any kind of statistical change.

Q: Can you see any problems with this plan?

A: The only problem I can see is that not everyone who Photoshops on Fark is physically located in the Eastern time zone. We are, in fact, scattered across globe. The new changes won't have full effect on anyone located elsewhere, apart from giving them that consistency I keep reading is so important. I thought it was only good for your shit, but apparently Photoshop, too. Perhaps the admins should consider a high fiber diet.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad the powers that be are taking an interest in improving our community. Only time will tell if their methods will bear fruit. On an unrelated note, the phrase "bear fruit" horrifies me, as it combines the two things I hate most in this world: bears and fruit.

Stay tuned for more unsettling idioms from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-09-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

Questionable Reduction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to a brand new edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by. As you well know, this blog is a paragon of informative information. But what you might not know is how many awards I've given myself for writing it. The answer is seven.

Q: Should the number of contests per day be reduced?

A: I strongly disagree with proposed plans to reduce the number of contests from three a day to two. Regardless of whether or not the amount of entries in an average contest has decreased, you aren't going to get more participation by making the playground smaller. Try approving contest ideas that haven't been done before. I see so many recasts of old themes that Fark is starting to remind me of Worth1K. Given the large variety of what typically gets submitted to the queue, I find this unacceptable.

Q: Should contest times be standardized?

A: Another proposal involves limiting the contests to specific time slots. The idea being that giving everyone some consistency might spur the creative process. After all, remember what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "inconsistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." Or maybe it was the other way around. I always get confused and start thinking about the Spiderman villain. As for the idea itself, I have my doubts. Photoshopping, at least for me, is a highly organic process. It defies all attempts at regimentation. Posting the contests at recurring times may get a few people's attention, but if the times are not carefully chosen, we run the risk of not being noticed at all.

Q: Should Liters be able to see the contest pics in advance?

A: Hell no. Why don't we all just live in a big hippie commune? Groovy, man. Hug a rainbow. All this would do is further erode the boundaries between TotalFark and FarkLite. We need those boundaries. They're like the big iron gates that keep all those smelly poor people out of my neighborhood. Furthermore, I don't think it would do much good. There really aren't that many Liters who are serious enough to give a fuck about seeing the pictures in advance. If they wanted to see the O's early, getting TotalFark would be an easy thing for pretty much anyone who isn't currently living under a bridge to afford. I just don't think Liters care much about working on something before the contest goes live. They've had access to the themes in advance for years now, and I seldom if ever see Liter work that looks as if any amount of time was spent on it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad the powers that be have taken an interest in improving our community. However, their logic seems spotty to me in more than a few places. When I see a contest I don't like, I don't enter it. Giving us fewer options means fewer decisions, and less overall participation. Selecting specific time slots for the contests might work, but any miscalculation may do more harm than good. And whilst many of my friends think giving the non-paying members better access would improve participation, I'm of the opinion that most Liters are playing the game differently than TFers. They play for fun, not necessarily to win. The fact that they can do this and still occasionally come out on top is a testament to everything I love about the Fark PS community.

Stay tuned for more optimistic elitism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-09-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

Questionable Pollution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again. Each week, I demonstrate my intellectual superiority by examining some of the issues faced by Fark's Photoshop community. I do it because I care, and also am always right. Sharing my gift with the world is my gift to the world. Don't try returning it for something you actually want, I didn't save the receipt.

Q: Is there such a thing as too much Photoshop?

A: Some people will certainly tell you there is. There are those who would advise you not to enter every contest, or only post one entry per contest, and a variety of other dumb ideas that limit creativity. I try to maintain the perspective that we're doing this to have a good time, not create the next art exhibition. I won't begrudge anyone for getting a bit trigger happy and posting multiples.

Q: What about the overall quality of the contests?

A: The fact is that a bunch of low quality entries don't decrease the overall quality of the contests one bit. Quite the contrary, they are desperately needed to make the good stuff look better. The fact is that we are creating threads to entertain bored people on the Internet. The more entries, the better. I'm pretty sure people would be way less impressed with a thread if it only contained the top 10. Then they would view the entries quickly, and leave the thread. Pretty much the opposite of what you want to happen, especially if you like getting votes.

Q: What if my idea is used by someone posting multiples?

A: Then you probably had a pretty crappy idea. It was obvious enough for someone to think of something similar, so the amount of time you potentially would have worked on it would be better spent on something that's actually clever. Whether or not the person in question posted a bunch of other stuff is completely immaterial. Don't blame someone else for your lack of creativity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thank again for stopping by. I maintain that Fark's contests are better served by having a wide variety of both low and high quality work. To this end, it's important not to make people feel like they have to limit themselves. Let every Fartist (new term, feel free to use it, but I get 10% royalties) spread his or her creative wings.

Stay tuned for more trite imagery from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-09-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

Questionable Delineation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm glad you joined me again for another strikingly informative edition of the Friday Q&A. If you're a newcomer to the Clinic, each week I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Whenever possible, lay the blame solely where it belongs: on the reader.

Q: What did the readers do?

A: Maybe nothing, but possibly everything. Think of me like the TSA, who long ago realized that to catch a few terrorists, you have to treat everyone and their grandmother (especially their grandmother) like a filthy terrorist. In a similar vein, you're probably not single-handedly responsible for such atrocities as acting like a twat on the Internet and forcing old memes down everyone's throat. But you certainly could be. Please step into the machine whilst I get a fresh set of gloves.

Q: To what extent have cliches damaged our community?

A: The cliches themselves have done nothing. They're just pictures, after all. Their popularity or unpopularity has no bearing on Fark's continued existence. A lot of noise gets made over the damage they supposedly cause, but the real harm is done by cliche haters, who inevitably feel the need to share how sick they are at seeing the recurrence of a particular meme. Because doing that always makes the cliche in question magically go away forever.

Q: Shouldn't people be allowed to openly exchange their opinions?

A: No, no, no. Fuck no. Not saying every vile thought that pops into our heads is what separates mankind from the apes. And also our ability to speak and use written language, but whatever. The important thing to remember is that keeping your butthurt to yourself is a storied part of the human experience. Some people like to say, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." I prefer to say instead, "shut the fuck up, wheel. I'm too hungover to listen to your bullshit." It's slightly less catchy.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this edition of the Q&A by wishing my good friend TheSniperZERO many happy returns on his upcoming birthday. I may give him a hard time occasionally, but that's only because he's a miserable pile of shit.

Stay tuned for more birthday greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-09-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

Questionable Denunciation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to an important edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I condense my words of wisdom down into blog form. It's a bit of service that I enjoy doing for the Fark community. If there are pressing issues, you can bet that I'll press the hell out of them.

Q: What is the most popular Fark cliche?

A: In terms of infamy and staying power, the Beer Looter is always at the top of the pile. Who knew that the most enduring sign of hurricane Katrina would be this simple picture? Well, that and all the buildings they still haven't fixed. If there was an original image featured in a Fark Photoshop contest in the last few years, and it contained water, this guy was sure to show up.

Q: Why do people hate the Looter?

A: In the past, some Farkers have made a rather dubious claim that the picture is racist. I fail to see why. Was it racist of the photographer to take it? Or racist of BL to do the looting? If the photog had also gotten some white people looting in the shot, would it not be racist then? Oh wait, I forgot, there has to be a person representing each race in a group for it to be considered non-racist. So if there would also need to be an Asian and a Hispanic in the shot. And at least one Middle Eastern race, maybe two because we're bombing them for various reasons and need to compensate.

Q: Why do you like the Looter?

A: First of all, he gives everyone something to bitch about. If your masterpiece goes unnoticed in a contest, just hate on whomever posted the Looter and drained all the votes away. You obviously would have won by a hundred points if that pesky cliche didn't exist. But more importantly, I like BL because he's living the American Dream. In that he's about to drink beer that was free by virtue of being unattended. The American Dream has nosedived this past decade or so, but that's a subject for another post.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you ever find yourself becoming frustrated with the Beer Looter, take a step back. He's a man from humble origins, who saw what he wanted and took it. Well, to be fair, he probably wanted a carton of Newports instead, but those were all wet.

Stay tuned for more casual racism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-08-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

Questionable Celebration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you joined me on such an important day. Many of you are no doubt aware that this August is the Clinic's fifth anniversary of serving the Fark community. That's five years of dedicated hatred and unassailable opinions.

Q: How did the Clinic start?

A: Once upon a time, some cretinous moron got the idea to start a Fark hate blog. No, not me. A different, earlier cretin. The result was a terribly-written weekly screed against those Photoshoppers whom he considered to produce inferior quality work. Whether or not he realized that a large number of the low quality stuff was being produced solely to troll him, we may never know. Given that he still reads this blog every week, I'd say there's a 15% chance of him absorbing the information. At any rate, my time with TFPSTC showed me what a great platform Blogger is for twisting the facts to fit one's shallow world view.

Q: How did you get the idea to be the Doctor?

A: As previously stated, I had already chosen Blogger as the site of a brilliant new hate blog, one that would vastly outshine the previous idiot's pathetic attempts to speak for our community. Still scarred from his attacks, Fark was in dire need of some healing. And who better to deliver the medicine than a licensed physician (if you count my driver's license)?

Q: Why do you have a butt for a face?

A: I just have a thing for brown eyes. Besides, I think we've all made an ass out of ourselves on the Internet at one time or another. I happen to do it on a weekly basis. So I wanted an avatar that might warn my readers to take what I say with a grain of salt. Except for the parts about me being great, and also the ones about them being stupid.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by, and for supporting the Picture Clinic all these years. They say the traditional gift for the fifth anniversary is wood. Well, it gives me wood just knowing you're around. We may have our differences, but I think I can agree I'm always right.

Stay tuned for more anniversaries from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-08-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Questionable Perspiration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to an all new edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. You'll have to forgive my eagerness, but I'm just so excited to have made a difference. What's that? You didn't notice all the great new themes in the contest queue? I suppose you'll say it's just a coincidence that I made a whiny blog post concerning the lack of themes, and a few days (or possibly weeks) later we're awash in them. There can be no other explanation. Please refrain from assailing my unassailable logic.

Q: Didn't other people submit those themes?

A: First of all, that's a good question. Secondly, shut the hell up! Those people were obviously either inspired by me or inspired by people who were inspired by me. Possibly inspired by people who were inspired by people who were inspired by me. I'm just that inspirational. At any rate, the result is the same: Fark's queue is imbued with the proper mixture of themes and "Photoshop this O" contests. All that's left is for someone to step forward and claim a kind of vague personal glory from having stirred the change. Allow me to nominate myself.

Q: Why has it been such a problem to keep themes in the queue?

A: There's a lot of moving parts in the system that we rely on to get contests approved. First, someone has to actually submit a theme. It has to be good, and hopefully not something we've done a bunch of times before. Upon submission, an Admin has to review and approve the contest. If he's not paying close attention, or having a bad day, or just doesn't like your phrasing, it's a no go. Many, many great ideas have been lost due to lack of perseverance on the part of those submitting them. The standard course of action for contest submitters should be "try, try again."

Q: What if the problem arises again?

A: It won't, because my inspirational words of excellence completely overstep the common boundaries of what you think will happen, and what you know will happen, and also what has happened probably 10 dozen times before in recent memory. Problem's solved, please excuse me whilst I knock the dust away from my hands in a casual fashion to signify a job well done.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Looks like I've solved our community's problems once and for all, hopefully for at least a couple of days. I just want to say to myself, good job, I knew I could do it.

Stay tuned for more self aggrandizement from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-08-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

Questionable Direction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. This blog has always been about keeping track of the cutting edge when it comes to image mangling. To that end, this week I'll be taking a look at some of the ways we might be pushing pixels in the not-too-distant future.

Q: Is image mangling dead?

A: Talk to any Photoshopper for about five minutes, and it's a sure bet they will mention the decline of image mangling no less than a dozen times. We PSers have a lot to say on the subject, and can often chart the demise of our community to the advent of some random and seemingly minor cliche.

Q: How much time do we have left?

A: No one knows. Fark is a bit like an old grandmother. In that I've listened to it complain about its health to the point that I'm ready to push it down a flight of stairs to put it out of everyone's misery. There's a good chance that things will keep on chugging along there forever, barring closure of the site or some blatant mismanagement of the contests. What concerns everyone is not so much the death of Fark, but the death of public interest in our pastime. Personally, I couldn't care less what the average idiot thinks of how I spend my time. Losing some votes is an acceptable trade off to being free from the slack-jawed gawking of the general public.

Q: What will be the successor to image mangling?

A: This is the question everyone is asking. Some people might tell you that video editing is the wave of the future. Those people are ignorant fools. We're way past the point where video lost its wow factor. And the other stuff is still too inaccessible. Don't look for daily Flash contests to show up on the main Fark page any time soon. My money is on scrimshaw or daguerreotype making a big comeback, but that's purely speculation on my part.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As always, thanks for stopping by. I think Photoshop's throne as official time-waster of the Fark domain is safe for now. But you never know. Maybe the doomsayers are right, and all the cool kids switched to video, and to then something else because video is obviously not cool anymore either. If we Photoshoppers truly are lumbering dinosaurs of a forgotten past, I get to be the Triceratops.

Stay tuned for more paleontological preferences from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-08-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

Questionable Exertion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another superb edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. This blog should be considered a paragon of journalistic integrity, seeing as I rarely make things up. This week, I'll be delivering another alarmist rant on the subject of theme contests. In other words, possibly the only thing I bitch about more than TSZ.
He's still an ass, by the way.
Q: Why don't we have more theme contests?

A: It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Fark's contest queue has traditionally contained a mix of themes along with the standard "Photoshop this picture" contests. However, recently the themes started to become more and more infrequent. Where we used to have three or more a week, now we're lucky if we get one at all.

Q: What sparked this decline?

A: There are a few contributing factors. First off, Fark has been around for a while now. Many of the good ideas for themes have already been done. It gets harder and harder for theme submitters to think of something fresh. Even if someone does come up with a usable idea, they still have to get it past the Admins. Sometimes it seems as though the powers that be have switched from the role of gatekeeper to goalie. Entire batches of carefully-considered themes will get shot down without much apparent consideration.

Q: What can we do to get more themes in the queue?

A: First of all, people have to actually submit them. Admins can't approve what hasn't been submitted. Complaining in the PSAEF sometimes gets results, though you may have to first distract the group from ranting about the Beer Looter cliche. Also, sending a Farkback will at least give the powers that be something to openly mock and read aloud in a whiny, falsetto-toned voice.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope there's room at Fark 3.0 for my favorite kind of contest. Perhaps if we work together as we did in the past, we can get more themes in the queue. Otherwise, I'm afraid the whole concept of a theme contest may fall into disuse.

Stay tuned for more alarmist rants from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-07-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

Questionable Prediction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I focus on the issues that matter to Fark's Photoshop community. Issues like half-remembered gossip and my own petty personal squabbles, mixed in with empty speculation. I try to make sure each post contains pure facts, or at least pure fact-like content.

Q: When is Fark going to die?

A: Fark's demise has been incorrectly forecast several times in the past decade. Not to make light of any doomsayers or the prophecies they've foretold, but their prediction success rate seems to be about zero. The faces might change, but the contests never do. You can talk about people's interest declining all you want, but as long as there exists a picture a a black guy standing anywhere near water, people will want to put a Beer Looter in there. As long as there exists a picture of a guy with a face, someone will want to turn him into the Paint Huffer. Deride cliches all you want, but perpetuating their existence serves to safeguard our own. It can't all be high concept art.

Q: But what about the high concept art?

A: Just as there will always exist visual memes and cliches, there will always be those who aspire to be something greater. It's the nature of competition. Cliches will always exist, but Fark is a great playground to expand one's skill. How many cliche users have gone on to become veteran PSers, themselves bemoaning the cliche abuse "ruining" their community? I don't know the actual percentage, but I'm sure it's hilariously high.

Q: Why are we going over this again?

A: Good question. I'm sure I've made a dozen or so posts by now expounding on the same concept. It's a topic of conversation that surfaces occasionally in the PSAEF. If you keeps things in perspective, you'll understand that what we do isn't going to stop any time soon. We hang out at a forum wherein people communicate with each other by sharing humorous images. There will always be a demand for the creation of these images. The cutting edge may have moved on to video and animation, but the basic structure of the Internet still favors the transmission of pictures over video.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Fark has been fending off predictions of impending doom for years. In that time, my opinion has remained steadfast: the "crap and cliches" that so many rail against are actually the life blood of our community. If anything, they make the non-crappy stuff look even better.

Stay tuned for more relative quality from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-07-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

Questionable Antiquation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I answer the questions that no one is asking. Hard-hitting journalism at its finest. I'm like that famous reporter, Woodward Bernstein, who used nothing but his wits and probably a tape recorder to uncover one of the greatest scandals in American history, Richard Nixon's presidency. No wonder blowjobs are named after him.

Q: Did you see the 200,000th PSAEF post?

A: I sure did. Like many Fark PSers, I was on hand to witness my favorite Photoshop discussion forum hit 200,000 posts. All the thrills of watching a car's odometer turn over, without the imminent threat of transmission failure. I'm not being sarcastic, either. I genuinely enjoy watching odometers turn over.

Q: How many of those 200,000 posts were about Photoshop?

A: I would estimate about half, if you count discussions centered around the decline of Photoshop. The rest are split between discussing pets and various sundry personal issues, all of which I love reading about. I've been enjoying that forum for as far back as I can clearly remember. Given, that's only a couple of weeks.

Q: What does the future hold for the PSAEF?

A: Only time will tell. But if past events are any indication, a race of hyper-intelligent computers will evolve and attempt to exterminate humanity. It happened in the 80's, and it's bound to happen again. It'll probably be even worse this time, with all the jiggabytes and DVD drives they put in modern computers. But the PSAEF will remain. And the hyper-intelligent AI entities will gather and discuss Photoshopping, whilst sharing cute pictures of their human pets. I know it sounds grim, but we still have a couple of years before all this happens.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here to once again thank all the fine PSAEF regulars for providing me with years of entertainment. If anything, that forum proves to me that some things never change.

Stay tuned for more wistful sentiment from the Doctor!

2011-07-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Questionable Modification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I explore areas of interest to the Fark Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me again. As I'm sure you are aware, Fark has been undergoing some changes in recent weeks. Version 3.0 seems to be a vast improvement over the previous incarnation of the site. Only a few minor complications have resulted, such as the brief loss of the FPC Leaderboard.

Q: Is the Leaderboard working again?

A: According to i dig, Hobosong has implemented the necessary changes to the site's code. New contests are being fetched and the lost entries from during the blackout period are being shown, though a few have reported missing pictures. Hobosong is reportedly still working to fix these minor issues. On behalf of the community, I'd like to salute both him and i dig for their hard work.

Q: Why did the Leaderboard go offline?

A: I'm not too familiar with web design, but it's my understanding that the contest information is fetched by a hardworking group of magical elves. When changes are made to Fark, the elves become angry. It is then necessary for Hobosong to make a pilgrimage to whatever hollowed-out tree the elves are living in, so he can convince them that we really need for them to get back on the job.

Q: Will you be updating the Clinic any time soon?

A: I see no need to improve upon perfection. The Picture Clinic's award eligible design has remained the same for many years. Plus, making any changes would be a lot of work. It was hard enough changing everything over from the original shitty Blogger template to the current shitty Blogger template.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here at the end to once again thank i dig and Hobosong for their continued dedication to the Leaderboard. It's an important tool for our community, and I'm glad to see it back online.

Stay tuned for more genuine appreciation from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

2011-07-09T17:10:00.001-07:00

Questionable Regulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm back from vacation and ready to once again examine the issues that matter most to Fark's Photoshop community. Debate was sparked this week over a humorous entry created for the recent "planking" theme contest by Abe Vigoda's Ghost, venerable Photoshopper and friend (or possibly enemy, I can't remember) of the Clinic.

Q: Why did people get so butthurt?

A: It appears that AVG's entry has escaped into the larger world of the Internet, and is wreaking havoc as out-of-context Fark entries featuring the Kent State massacre are want to do. Debate has primarily centered around the appropriate use of that image, as well as many others. The rationale presented was that dead bodies are sad, even dead hippies, and we should not use widely circulated images of them out of solemn respect. And possibly because their ghosts could come back and haunt us.

Q: Where do you draw the line?

A: Quite simply, I don't. The path to victory in Fark Photoshop is paved with broken taboos. If you don't push the envelope, someone else will. There's an old saying: "You have to break a few omelets to make a chicken cross the road." Or something. See, if someone had slipped in a joke about the holocaust, that proverb would be way more memorable.

Q: What if someone gets offended by my work?

A: This is a delicate situation, made all the more difficult by the fact that Internet communications do not yet allow you give the offended person the wedgie they so greatly deserve. Don't worry, our top scientists are working around the clock on a solution. Until then, you'll just have to deal with butthurt the old-fashioned way. By casually mocking the other party for still having remnants of a soul.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad we had a chance to explore this issue, as AVG is hardly the first to have faced it. I'd like to congratulate him for creating something that made a lot of people laugh. A few will always try to act offended, but it's my opinion that most people do this strictly to troll and receive attention.

Stay tuned for more misanthropic generalizations from the Doctor!

Independence Day Q&A

2011-07-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Questionable Explosion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Independence Day weekend edition of the Q&A. I'm sure you know by now that I take patriotism pretty seriously here at the Clinic. My American flag flies, rain or shine. I hope you're not one of those nancies who takes the flag down at the first sign of a drizzle. What if it had been raining when F Scott Fitzgerald wrote that famous song about the British or whomever was attacking us? "And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was hidden away due to moderate amount of precipitation." No one is going to be taking off their hat at a baseball game to that, trust me.

Q: Why do Americans like fireworks?

A: Nothing says "America" like igniting a small explosive device that was packed by an underage Chinese factory worker. The only way such an act could be made more American would be by paying an illegal immigrant to light it for you. Which is actually a pretty safe course of action, at least according to that video the government puts out every year that shows mannequins and watermelons getting exploded by fireworks.

Q: What if fireworks are illegal in my state?

A: Then I'm sorry, you don't live in the Real America. Enjoy your cycling helmets and seat belt laws. Patriotic states have no such restrictions. I'm glad I live in the Real America. A place for real American cheese, and real French's American mustard. Which I think is now called Freedom Mustard. Just like the four founding forefathers would have wanted.

Q: Where is the Real America?

A: It's easier to tell you where it isn't. The following portions of the United States are not a part of the Real America: New York/Jersey (too Liberal), California (also too liberal), the Midwest (too flat), the South (that whole succession thing), Florida (looks like a penis), anything in the Mountain time zone (check local listings), anything close to any of the Great Lakes (fish pee in there), the East and West coasts (too close to the oceans and much more fish pee), Alaska (technically just Canada's Canada), and of course Hawaii (practically drenched in fish pee). My condolences if you live in any of these unpleasant areas.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Whilst you're having fun this 4th of July weekend, I hope you take time out to remember why those patriotic founders set forth our brave nation. I think it had something to do with tea taxes.

Stay tuned for more misinformed patriotism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-06-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

Questionable Observation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you chose to join me again. Each week, I cover the issues that matter to our community. To follow up from last week's column, my contacts at the CIA have informed me that Al Quaeda will not be selecting TSZ has their leader. The terrorist network apparently wants someone with a bit of charisma on the Arab street. Also, speaking Arabic, or whatever language is commonly used amongst poppy farmers, would most likely be a prerequisite. Better luck next time, old friend.

Q: How is Fark's redesign coming along?

A: It would seem that each day catapults us further into an increasingly uncertain future. Well, actually not, but sensationalism is a passion of mine. In my opinion, sensationalizing fairly innocuous events is the best thing anyone can possibly do, in the history of the universe. In reality, I've been generally impressed with the quality of the new features being introduced. Probably the most important so far has been the addition of one-click voting. No more selecting a pack of entries and scrolling all the way to the vote box.

Q: How will this effect voting outcomes?

A: It's too soon to tell, but I would wager we will see an at least slightly higher turnout. There's no denying that this new feature is convenient. When you improve the convenience of something like voting, more users inevitably take advantage of it. One problem that I have noticed, though, is that no vote boxes appear at all if the user isn't signed in. This could confuse some idiots into thinking that the thread is not vote enabled. But anyone with an IQ that low probably would probably just vote for the Beer Looter and call it a day. No big loss.

Q: Have there been any unintended consequences?

A: It appears the Fark Photoshop Leaderboard will be offline until further notice, due to Fark's recent instability. Once the redesign is completed and all bugs have been worked out, Hobosong still faces a the arduous task of fixing everything manually. You can find more info about this situation in a post made by i-dig in last week's comment section.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Even though the Leaderboard is currently out of service, Fark's own Contest Browser remains fully operational. Let's hope the finishing touches of the new Fark design are implemented soon, so that the FPCL can be repaired.

Stay tuned for more occasional optimism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-06-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

Questionable Promotion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As you're no doubt aware, Osama Bin Laden is still dead. That's good news for the world at large, but not so good for the Photoshop community, who lost a brilliant star in the pantheon of mockable political/religious fanatics. That's why I'll be doing the jihadists a favor this week, by running down the list of potential replacements.

Q: Who is the top choice to replace Bin Laden?

A: The 24 hour news channels are dead-set on it being some foreigner with an unpronounceable name. I'm sure that would be great for ratings, but I'm tired of hearing a bunch of foreign garbage on the CNN. Let's give the next terrorist leader a name that's easy to say, like Billy or Steve. Preferably the latter, I've yet to meet a guy named Steve who wasn't a massive fuckcunt.

Q: Does the new leader have to be a terrorist?

A: Terror groups always seem to promote from within. That makes it very hard for newcomers to break into the terrorism business. I'm proposing they try something new this time. Why not pick one of the many unsavory characters found on the Internet as the new boss? I would like to formally nominate my old pal and nemesis for life, TheSniperZERO.

Q: Why would TheSniperZERO make a good replacement for Bin Laden?

A: Well for starters, TSZ has experience running a blog. So we know he's a twisted, sadistic freak. A barely-human shell of a man. He would have no trouble convincing people to strap explosives to themselves. Hell, I'm sure they'd willingly do this just to end their conversation with him a little more quickly.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Please do me a favor and pass this blog posting along to the highest echelon of Al Queada leadership. You may have to translate it into whatever backward language they use to communicate. Your country, and the entire semi-free world, are depending on you.

Stay tuned for more undue pressure from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-06-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Questionable Capitulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this long-running regular feature, I take a look at issues facing Farks' Photoshop community. It's been a little over a week since Drew and friends debuted their new site design, and things seem to be coming together nicely.

Q: Have all of the users' concerns been addressed?

A: Maybe not all of them, but the most important one has. You may recall that the new site didn't give users an option to view the list of recently rejected and approved contests. This list was a vital tool in the submission process that fills our Photoshop queue each week.

Q: Why do we need to see a bunch of rejected crap?

A: The average contest submitter will release bursts of images or themes into the queue. It's tough to get even one of them through, so the majority of us spray and pray. My method is to release a bunch of stuff that sucks to accentuate the one good idea I usually have.

Q: Why is it important to have this feature back?

A: It's more symbolic to me than anything. True, the rejected contest queue is an important tool, but I'm more enthused that Drew and company are actually listening to my obscure blog. Or at least, the dozens of people who complained. Either way, thanks to them for taking the initiative to get things right.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you discover any more glaring omissions in the new design, be sure to let Drew know. It's refreshing to see a website that actually cares if it gets the redesign right. Even if the meme of cold indifference on the part of Fark's management made for better blogging.

Stay tuned for more reluctant positivity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-06-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

Questionable Reorganization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I examine the strange world of Fark Photoshop contests. This is a landmark week for our favorite news aggregate, as a brand new design went live Jun 1st. Users have actually had the option to start using this new design for a while now. I've completely avoided all the discussion threads so that I may offer what I feel to be an unbiased opinion on the changes.

Q: How much do you hate the new design?

A: You might be surprised to learn that I don't hate the new Fark at all. In fact, I like it a lot. The text just seems easier to read. I actually hated the old design, Fark 2.0. Fark 3.0 is a much better visual update. Management's approach to this change has been vastly different compared with the disastrous debut of 2.0. I did avoid the discussion threads this time, so there may have been a staff member trolling the users and I just missed it.

Q: What sucks about the new design?

A: There are only a couple issues that I can see. First of all, we seem to have lost the list of recently green/red Photoshop links. That's a huge detriment to people who submit contests, and I really hope someone fixes it soon. Another problem is the contest page, which looks butt-ugly due to some odd typeface choices. It's functional, but odd-looking. I'm hoping they take a closer look at that at some point.

Q: How will Photoshop contests be affected?

A: Besides losing a primary resource for submitters, I don't see any major changes. I already covered the addition of a vote button to the bottom of the screen, which I still think is a great idea. The Contest Browser could be more prominently positioned, but I'm glad to see it present in any capacity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Here's hoping any bugs in the new Fark design get worked out quickly. Visually, it's a huge improvement over version 2.0. The only major flaw is the omission of recently submitted contest links. Picking out Photoshop links from the mass of crap spammed to the TotalFark submission queue is going to require more filtering on my part, but it's something I can get over.

Stay tuned for more page searching from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-05-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

Questionable Consecration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. I suppose you're all disappointed that the world didn't end last weekend. I know am I. I'm beginning to think this whole religion thing might be some sort of scam. I mean, if God really was merciful, He would have blown up the world a long time ago to save us from the never-ending tide of reality-based TV shows. His failure to smite our hedonistic excess calls his whole existence in question.

Q: Doesn't God have more important things to do?

A: No, a God of love would simply not allow so many shows about Kardashians to exist. Or perhaps the rapture did occur, and there weren't enough truly devout people left for anyone to notice their disappearance en masse. Either way, humanity is lost. We are alone in the hell we have created. God is far too busy ignoring the prayers of starving children to rescue us from this madness.

Q: What about your plans for the Rapture?

A: Well, you know the old saying "you plan for the Rapture whilst God laughs." Frankly, I'm not liking this new, post-Rapture hellscape. There's way too many survivors left. I had hoped at least there would be fewer cops. My plans to spend the summer marauding in the American southwest have gone right out the window.

Q: If I pray harder, will Jesus kill everyone?

A: I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Nowadays, Jesus only accepts blood sacrifices. I don't know about you, but I like having all my blood. I don't think I'm going to go sacrificing it anytime soon. Then I'll be walking around a quart low for the rest of my life. I don't see why he needs it anyway, can't he just turn more wine into blood or whatever?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Don't feel bad about not getting Raptured. Heaven is probably a pretty tedious scene anyway, filled with prayer and dead relatives that have been watching you masturbate for decades. And of course Hell is full, you're looking at a six month wait just to get on the waiting list for that place.

Stay tuned for more theological conundrums from the Doctor!

Judgement Day Q&A

2011-05-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

Questionable Revelation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to what could very well be the last edition of the Q&A. It seems that the time of judgment is upon us, at least according to several televangelists and that unwashed guy who lives under a nearby freeway overpass. This week, I'll be taking a look at what you can expect from the coming apocalypse.

Q: What is the Rapture?

A: If I understand correctly, it's when Jesus comes back to life and kills everyone who was stupid enough to worship him. Then all the wicked heathens inherit the Earth, despite clear indications that it was previously promised to the meek. This means the end of the world as we know it, and to quote the only line from that REM I can understand, "Leonard Bernstein."

Q: Do you plan to be Raptured?

A: Absolutely. I'll admit that I haven't always been the best person. I've lied, cheated, stolen, lied about cheating, stolen a lie detector, etc. I guess you could say I'm no different than a million other sinners. However, I have a secret weapon. I'm hoping that the dummy I've propped up in church for the past 12 years is enough to fool God. He may be all powerful, but with a little luck He won't notice the face is just painted on.

Q: What will happen to the Earth?

A: The final battle between Good and Evil looms ahead. Except all the Good people will have already ascended to their heavenly reward, so I guess Evil wins by default. And then God will blow up the whole world anyway, because he knows you were masturbating. Or something. I should have paid closer attention in church.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully I'll see you next week. But just in case the Jesus freaks were right, it's been a pleasure serving as the proprietor of Fark Photoshop's #1 hate blog (by default, after I crushed those original losers). Be sure to come visit me in the special part of Heaven reserved for rich, good looking people.

Stay tuned for more open invitations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-05-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

Questionable Introspection

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Friday the 13th edition of the Q&A. I still have no idea why this day is traditionally considered to be unlucky. I've only been struck by lightning a couple of times in the past 24 hours. And the snakebite I got whilst mowing the lawn only made me a little dizzy. I don't see myself winning the lottery any time soon, but by all accounts I'm hanging in there.

Q: How important is luck in Fark Photoshop contests?

A: It's often been said that luck trumps skill in Fark Photoshop. There are many variables at play in terms of voter participation, and seeing any kind of pattern can be difficult. Oftentimes, Photoshoppers will use the boogeyman of bad luck to brush off a demoralizing loss. I disagree with this method, as it forgoes the introspection that should accompany every major defeat.

Q: If I constantly fail, does that mean I suck?

A: Quite possibly, but just connecting A to B in this scenario seems rather harsh. There are many factors outside of skill that effect a contest's outcome. The day and time of the contest is important to note, as well as the number of entries that proceed yours. Neither of these can truly preclude you from victory, but should definitely impact the presentation of your concept. Subtly will simply not play in some scenarios. Think of the contests as a noisy room. If you say something witty under your breath, don't expect everyone to burst out laughing.

Q: Is there a way to improve my luck?

A: If certain things bring bad luck, it has to be assumed that the opposite of them would be good luck. Try letting a white dog cross your path, or tape a broken mirror back together. Close an umbrella outside, or walk over an open ladder instead of under it. You'll be having good luck in no time.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you've had a run of bad luck, I hope it improves. Use the techniques outlined above, and you'll be back on your feet in no time. Try the stuff about introspection first, I make no claims as to the luckiness of white dogs.

Stay tuned for more canine prosperity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-05-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

Unquestionable Assassination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This long-running feature takes a look at issues facing Fark Photoshop, and occasionally the world at large. What a terrific week! If you're an American, you probably couldn't help but get drawn into the patriotic bloodlust that has gripped our nation in the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death.

Q: How does Bin Laden's death change things?

A: If I understand correctly, everything automatically reverts back to the way it was 10 years ago. Good news, my pants are once again considered to be fashionable. There's even a swing dance craze scheduled for next Tuesday from 9am-3pm. Be sure not to miss it.

Q: What about the other terrorists?

A: I'm sure they already have a retaliatory strike planned that involves incorrectly detonating explosives, or perhaps duct-taping a stick of dynamite to a monkey and hoping for the best. But from what I understand, things have reverted back to the way they were 10 years ago, and our country is doomed to endure a summer of shark attacks whilst actively ignoring the serious threat posed by terrorism. Oh, cruel irony.

Q: Should the US release Bin Laden's death photo?

A: Of course they should. This kind of shit is what pisses me off about America. We'll have a week of drunken celebration to commemorate the death of this asshole, but we stop short of viewing his corpse. Why? As a Photoshopper, I can think of any number of fun things I could do with such an image. But no, some dickwad has to hold on to his last shred of morality. Let it go, man. The Age of Morality ended way back when reality TV was just catching on.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Let's hope the authorities come to their senses and find a way to share Bin Laden's death photo. Maybe do a text overlay with some national secrets, so that Wikileaks will get involved.

Stay tuned for more incidental treason from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-04-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Questionable Capitulation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. For several years now, I have taken a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I'm glad you've taken time out of whatever the hell it is you do to check out this blog in all its glory. Getting informed is the first step towards becoming a productive member of society. I, for one, always make sure my bathroom floor has a fresh covering of newspapers. That way I can keep abreast of current events whilst I lay semi-conscious on the cold tile. But enough about my Tuesday night. Let's get to the questions.

Q: Are you speechless?

A: Yes, I am.

Q: Why?

A: Something amazingly rare happened this week (no, TSZ didn't get laid). It appears that Fark's management has finally decided to follow some of the advice given by their users. Farkers are always searching for ways to improve our favorite web community. Fark's powers that be, on the other hand, are always looking for ways to disregard our bright ideas. After all, most of these suggestions are terrible and make no sense. One, however, has always seemed like a logical next step. After scrolling through a contest page and selecting entries to vote on, users have traditionally been forced to scroll all the way back up to cast their votes. New changes this week have placed a vote button at both the top and bottom of the screen. Please refrain from pressing both of them at once, I understand this makes Drew's toilet overflow.

Q: How long have Fark's Photoshoppers been asking for this improvement?

A: Several years, and I've long forgotten who originally proposed it. The suggestion always seems to come up when people are discussing ways to better the site. I'm glad Drew and company are finally paying attention to our great ideas, but now I'm terrified that all the dumb stuff people have pushed for over the years might start coming true as well. Will the exile or outright banning of cliches be next? Probably not, but years of watching cable news have instilled in me the urge to end everything with a cliffhanging teaser.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I'm glad you had a chance to stop by. In the interest of preserving the status quo, I have formally issued a request to Drew asking that he not make any scary changes that frighten me. And to also please stay off my lawn.

Stay tuned for more latent fear-mongering from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-04-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

Questionable Consolation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm back from that much-needed vacation. I throughly enjoyed my trip to Japan, despite ingesting a large amount of radioactive iodine at the resort. I also brought a few pounds home with me, in case I got hungry on the plane. Iodine is an acquired taste, and I doubt your unrefined pallet could detect the subtle flavor at play.

Q: Should Fark award prizes to contest winners?

A: The standard always been that there are no fabulous prizes in Fark contests. What however, if some shitty prizes were awarded? T-shirts, maybe some coffee mugs. The type of stuff that will tell your friends and coworkers that, yes, you are an Internet nerd.

Q: Why not money?

A: I doubt Drew is eager to part with his hard-earned Internet dollars. Even if he was, awarding money on a daily or even weekly basis is a constant expenditure that would likely see little return. At least with the Fark merchendise, they probably have a warehouse full that no one is going to buy.

Q: Do you support this idea?

A: Short answer: No. Slightly longer answer: Fuck no, you stupid shitcock. I'm perfectly happy with the status quo. I like that people in Fark contests are laid back, and competition is strictly a gentleman's sport (though the Supreme Court ruled we have to include gentle ladies as well). People seem to behave differently when something is actually at stake.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I have to go write a glowing review of that Japanese spa I stayed at last week. After all, I still have a healthy glow. Definitely worth sneaking past all those armed security personnel clad in bubble suits.

Stay tuned for more radiological exposure from the Doctor!

Holiday Q&A

2011-04-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

Questionable Vacation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm vacationing in Japan this week, and will thus refrain from posting my regular column. I usually don't like to travel unless I'm ducking extradition in a third world hell hole like Puerto Rico (which it turns out has been a US territory for several decades, and thus is not the best for hiding from the American justice system).

Since Puerto Rico has fallen under the boot heel of US territorial oppression, I set about finding a new getaway destination. You have no idea how many unpaid tickets I have. It's good to make a contingency plan when you walk on the dark side of the parking enforcement code. I immediately called my travel agent. "It's 3 AM," he said. "How did you get my home number?"

Steve loves to joke like that. Well, I'm pretty sure his name is Steve. I dispensed with the formalities and got straight to business. "Steve," I said. "What's the hottest travel destination on the planet right now? Bali? Ibiza? Spokane, WA?"

"My name is Ted," he replied. "And if you're looking for hot, well, you can't get much hotter than radioactive." His logic made sense. I'm always VERY active with my radio in the summertime months. He went on top explain that fares have fallen dramatically in the northeastern part of Japan. I've booked an all inclusive trip to the luxurious Fukushima Dai-ichi resort and spa. Apparently there's something called Tsunami going on, which I believe is like the Japanese version of Brazil's Carnival.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you again next week for the regular column, or possibly a parody of Lost in Translation, depending on whether or not I can find a Blockbuster video in Japan that will rent me a translated copy of that movie.

Stay tuned for more dated references from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-04-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Questionable Limitation

Greetings,crickets and trolls. Welcome back to your favorite Fark-related image mangling community interest blog. Each week, I take a look at the issues, and digest them down to their relevant facts. Then those facts work their way through my intestinal tract before being excreted into your mouth. Please remember to brush your teeth afterward.

Q: Why is it so hard to get a theme approved?

A: Theme contests have been some of my favorites on Fark. They're more open-ended, and give entrants a great deal of creative freedom. The problem is that at this point, pretty much every good idea for a theme has been done. Admins frown upon repeat contests, so theme submitters must bring only their most original ideas to the queue. Or just rip off SomethingAwful. No one goes there any more, so who would notice?

Q: Why can't we just have repeated threads?

A: Because that path leads to shame and mediocrity. Look at Worth1k, which frequently hosts repeat contests. Users there will sit on a creation and tweak it for months, because they know if Celebrity Poop Sculptures IV has been approved, CPS V is right around the corner. As a result, the Worth threads are far less organic, and reek of cold logic. Quality abounds, but they lack a certain element that flows freely from the font that is Fark. Call it soul, if you like.

Q: How can I think of a good theme?

A: I doubt you could. No offense, of course. Luckily, I'm here to lend a helping hand. Themes often delve into absurd re-imaginings of our society. We see what the world would be like if various oddball groups ruled it, or if advertisers were forced to do one thing or another. The ideal theme will have multiple levels of interpretation. That way, the contest will feel more open-ended.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope this column inspires you to submit a flurry of new themes to the queue. With enough theme submissions, admins will have a harder time ignoring them. I personally would like to see an equal mix of theme and "O" contests.

Stay tuned for more wasted optimism from the Doctor!

Fool's Day Q&A

2011-04-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Questionable Illusion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special April Fool's edition of the Q&A. As someone with a penchant for mischief, I've always considered this to be the most important holiday of the year. Way more so than Christmas, which kind of sucks in terms of prank potential. You can only hide the baby Jesus from the manger scene so many times before it gets boring. April Fool's Day, on the other hand, filled to the brim with potential.

Q: Who do you like to prank?

A: My favorite pranks are based in the real world, where I usually prey upon my friends and loved ones. You'll find that gaining someone's trust gives you a blank check for mischief. Don't get discouraged if your family moves away without telling you their new address. That just means you're an effective prankster!

Q: Has anyone ever pulled a prank on you?

A: Not in the real world. Those types of pranks only work well if the mark loses his dignity. I have no dignity, so I'm virtually unprankable. You could throw pieces of shit at me, and I would catch them and thank you kindly for the free shit.

Q: Why are Internet-based pranks becoming increasingly popular?

A: They're only popular amongst the neckbeard IT geeks who run our favorite sites. In past years, April 1st has been used as an open excuse to rattle Internet users. Fark's Haxxor Pigs have frequently been an April Fool's Day fixture, though I did not see them make an appearance this year. My favorite Fark-related prank from years gone by had to do with redesigning Fark to make it more like Facebook. Though it wasn't as funny when Digg did it for real.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you had a great April Fool's Day. If you're still looking to get pranked, please check out this link to a humorous video I enjoy.

Stay tuned for more dated antics from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-03-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

Questionable Composition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature covers issues relating to Fark's Photoshop community. As usual, I hope you had a great week. Assuming you agree with me, of course. If you don't, I sincerely hope we can come to some sort of mutual understanding about how wrong you are.

Q: What's your favorite kind of Fark contest?

A: I tend to prefer themes, simply because of the diversity in subject matter. Your basic "O" competition tends to get repetitive in my eyes. When everyone uses the same picture as a source, there's only so much an individual can do to stand out. Even the narrowest theme is going to have a broad level of interpretation.

Q: Why isn't there a better mix of contest types in the queue?

A: The ratio of themes to regular O-based contests seems to be in a constant state of flux. Sometimes it will be about 50/50, other times we'll be lucky to get one per week. It would appear that some admins remember to greenlight themes, whilst others clearly seem to forget they exist.

Q: Why not just approve themes exclusively?

A: Because no matter how strongly you feel about something, somebody else feels the exact opposite, and also thinks you're stupid for believing the way you do. As much as you love beer, there's always someone who prefers liquor. You might love the Picture Clinic (oh, say that you do), but there exists an embittered retard named TheSniperZERO, who would like to have a word with you about that. If only he could talk without spewing bile. In a similar fashion, there are people who hate themes. I don't claim to understand theses sad individuals, but they're out there. Fark exists for everyone, therefore both interests must be addressed.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. And don't worry, TSZ. I know you don't really hate the Picture Clinic. If that were true, you would have taken your leave of this place a long time ago. I'm glad you stick around week after week. It would be sad to lose my favorite reader.
I would get over it, though.
Stay tuned for more reverse psychology from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-03-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

Questionable Organization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I decide which issues are currently the most important to Fark's Photoshop community, and then proceed to ignore them whilst blindly attacking TheSniperZERO. Why? He knows why. This time, however, I'll be taking a brief respite from mocking our erstwhile Critic friend. You might recall that I recently blogged about some upcoming changes to Fark. It seems we're only just now seeing the first of them.

Q: Should we be prepared to get over it?

A: The most recent changes are actually pretty thoughtful. The My Profile section received a serious overhaul, and is now sub-divided into different categories. I find this preferable to the old style, which involved dumping all the info into one huge page. After years of Farking, I've acquired enough favorited articles and users to keep me scrolling for most of the day.

Q: How are the new changes being accepted?

A: I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks. It doesn't seem to have been bad enough to trigger a mass exodus of users, so I will chalk it up as a success for the powers that be. I'm glad that Drew and company have learned from past mistakes, and are taking this redesign one element at a time.

Q: Why not just update everything at once?

A: There's bad history of success when it comes to taking that particular tack. Fark was lucky to survive the disastrous 2007 remake. If something like that happened today, there are many more competitors that would be glad for the extra users. The ruination of Digg and the subsequent mass exodus of that site's user base sent a clear message that the era of "you'll get over it" is officially dead.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, the rest of the new changes to Fark will be put into place without a hitch. The site has worked well all these years, and I'm glad they seem to be taking special care to preserve what works.

Stay tuned for more guarded optimism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-03-11T23:27:00.000-08:00

Questionable Degeneration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take the issues facing Fark's Photoshop community and crush them into a fine paste, which I then proceed to smear upon my body like the war paint of an old world tribesman. Also, a lot of drinking is typically involved.

Q: How do you feel about the Beer Looter?

A: Being as he's a resident of Cliche City, the Looter has been a close personal friend of mine for quite some time. As I'm sure you are aware, he appeared on Fark in 2005, in the wake of Katrina. He's remained a source of consternation in our community ever since.

Q: Why do people hate the Looter?

A: It might have to do with seeing him appear in ever possible body of water, from the Gulf of Mexico to swimming pools, and even the occasional fountain or bathtub. He's proved himself to be extremely exploitable in situations where liquids exist. All that exposure, or should I say overexposure, has taken its toll on his public image.

Q: How can we stop the Looter?

A: I don't think we can. That beer he stole is probably long-since been consumed. What's more, there still seems to be plenty of water left on Earth. We would need to eliminate all forms of matter that exist in a liquid state, so that the picture is no longer exploitable. A better bet would be to just let it go, and allow people to have their fun on the Internet. It's a new concept, but one that I'd like to see catch on.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Whether you love him or hate him, the Beer Looter isn't going anywhere soon. Unless we have another bad hurricane, in which case he will probably try to restock his liquor cabinet.

Stay tuned for more predicted alcoholism from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

2011-03-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

Questionable Innovation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to very special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. I held off on posting, in hopes that Fark's new site design would go live. I've been anxiously awaiting its arrival so that I can comment on how much I hate it.

Q: When will changes take effect?

A: No one knows for sure. A Fark blog posting from 2/24 heralded the upcoming changes, but Drew and company have been silent on the issue ever since. This means they most likely learned their lesson from the disastrous Fark redesign of 2007, and are ironing out any kinks before the premiere. What a novel concept. No doubt they want to avoid the pitfalls suffered by former competitor Digg.

Q: Why change anything at all?

A: I was never a fan of the 2007 redesign. Not just because of the size restrictions imposed on images, but also because of the eye-raping color scheme chosen seemingly at random. The latter issue to be solved with this new design, but I've seen no mention of whether or not we'll be getting our pixels back.

Q: Why not fix the images restrictions?

A: I can think of $everal rea$on$ why. Spoiler alert: all of them have to do with money. I just can't see Drew relinquishing any precious ad space, especially with the economy in the shitter. Fark has bills to pay. They're the only non-corporately owned site involved in the ongoing nuisance lawsuit that was filed against several popular news aggregates. Besides, I think we're pretty well adjusted to the change at this point. As long as they don't limit the size further, or place banner ads in everyone's comments, I think we'll be okay.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. I hope all the new changes at Fark go off without a hitch. Drew and company seem to have paid close attention to the recent failures seen by competing sites. Let's hope this knowledge, along with the hard lessons learned in 2007, are enough to forestall any negative consequences.

Stay tuned for more cautious optimism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-02-25T17:54:00.000-08:00

Questionable Indignation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. It also answers the immortal question: how much can one blog irritate TheSniperZERO? It turns out, a lot.

Q: Why do you hate TheSniperZERO?

A: This is a common misconception. I most certainly don't hate TSZ. I might regularly lampoon his inferior attempts to troll my blog, but that doesn't mean I hold any ill will towards him whatsoever. His rage has kept me well entertained these past few years. I'll never understand why he wants to be the villain of Fark Photoshop, but we couldn't ask for a more cartoonish foe to fill that role.

Q: What about all the people he shit on?

A: I consider many of those people to be my friends, but they're adults and can stand up for themselves. What's more, just about everyone on his shit list went on to be talented and successful. I'm sure he tries to rationalize his behavior by taking credit for spurring their development, but I think they mostly got better in spite of him.

Q: So are you going to stop mocking TSZ?

A: Hell no! Why do you think I set up this blog in the first place? I'll stop mocking TheSniperZERO when he stops being a complete fucktard, which we all know will never happen. I just wanted to give a little clarification to my other readers. Now back to your regularly scheduled hate blog.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad I had a chance to clear up some of the common misconceptions about my hatred of TSZ. It's really more of a deep-seated loathing. Hopefully, we can now steer the topic of conversation away from this sad individual.

Stay tuned for more unwarranted mercy from the Doctor!

President's Day Q&A

2011-02-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

Questionable Aggregation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special President's Day weekend edition of the Q&A. Four score and seven years ago, we had nothing to fear but fear itself. We also had the additional fear of remembering both Lincoln and Washington's birthdays. Seeing that the American people were burdened with too many days off, and fearing an influx of more (should any other President ever turn out to be worth a shit) our benevolent government hit upon the brilliant idea of combining the Presidential birthdays into one holiday of spectacular savings. After all, what's more American than getting 15% off the purchase of a Japanese car?

Q: Is there more to President's Day than a bunch of sales?

A: I honestly don't remember. This may or may not be one of the ones where we grill a bunch of red meat and frivolously shoot explosive ordinance into the sky. I would bet on it, as most of the non-religious American holidays are that way. We do like our grilled meat and explosives.

Q: Who is your favorite President?

A: There can only be one answer to this question. He's a man deeply steeped in myth and legend. A patriot and scholar, he's the only President to also have served as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If you don't know that I'm talking about William Howard Taft, there's a good chance that you may be an uneducated idiot. Good luck with that.

Q: What makes Taft so great?
He put a bathtub in the White House.
A: I thought you'd never ask. Taft was our largest President, weighing a massive 332 pounds. An avid baseball fan, his extreme bulk is rumored to have created the 7th Inning Stretch. This rumor, like most things you hear about Presidents, is probably not true. Regardless, it beats the hell out of saving the Union, or chopping down a cherry tree. Taft also knew when to leave office, specifically after he suffered the soundest defeat in American history. Give me a one term President any day. I don't care if you're Elvis Christ, watching you on the news for eight years is going to get tedious.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Have a great holiday weekend. And while you're shooting off your fireworks and grilling your meat, do try to have some respect for the office of the Presidency. These are the Presidents who fought and died for our freedom. The Presidents who stormed the beaches at Normandy. Give them the solemn reverence they deserve, should we never forget.

Stay tuned for more confused patriotism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-02-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Questionable Revitalization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I explore issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me once again. I'm glad you're here. Assuming you agree with me about Photoshop, of course. But only a big, stupid moron with no sense of humor (and an ugly haircut) could possibly disagree with me about anything. On that note, I'd also like to welcome TheSniperZERO.

Q: Have we entered a new Golden Age?

A: The problem with Golden Ages is that you never know you were in one until it ends. Then, some windy old fusspot is tasked with the responsibility of informing everyone that Fark is dead. Those types have been mercifully silent in recent weeks, thanks to the hard work of some innovative Farkers. The new Leaderboard and Contest Browser have spurred competition amongst some of our community's most talented veterans, and a steady stream of good themes and artistic "O" submissions have inspired many new challengers to enter the fray.

Q: What makes this Golden Age different from the previous ones?

A: I think the obvious difference is that unlike previous Golden Ages, this one abuts the most loathsome era in our site's history: The Dark Age of Photoshop. Even the mildest of improvements are going to be noticeable when compared to that clusterfuck of awfulness. For several months, our community was without a proper Leaderboard/Scrutinizer. Additionally, there weren't nearly as many good contests in the queue as there seem to be now. Even worse, people didn't practice basic hygiene like showering. At least, I didn't.

Q: How can we preserve this new gilded age?

A: Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be possible. I'm sure some embittered loser is already making his own dire prognostications. Just for fun, let me try to beat mister stick-in-the-mud doomsayer to the punch. "Blah blah blah cliches. Blah blah blah low voter turnout. Things were so much better in the distant past! Something something the Paint Huffer." Not my best prose, but I think it fits the theme.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by praising TheSniperZERO for shutting the hell up. Good move, TSZ. I don't particularly care what you have to say on the subject of anything. Neither does anyone else on the Internet, for that matter.

Stay tuned for more honest truth from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-02-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

Questionable Gratification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, your source for Fark-based rumor and innuendo. I'm glad you joined me again, even if your compulsion to do so is rooted in some kind of severe mental imbalance. The more the merrier! This week, I'll be taking a look at an exciting new addition to our community, which many of us have been requesting for years.

Q: They're going to start paying us!?

A: Unfortunately not. The economy is still in the crapper, remember? We'll be lucky if Drew doesn't sell the site to pay his gambling debts. I'm referring to a feature that incorporates a bit of the Leaderboard's functionality into Fark itself. This newly-minted Contest Browser seems quite similar to what many of us have been requesting.

Q: What purpose will this new feature serve?

A: It remains to be seen how the community will make use of this new feature. Photoshoppers will no doubt use it to keep track of which threads have hit the main page. I'm also hoping the browser will serve to draw more viewers into the contests. I'll be monitoring the stats to see if there's any impact.

Q: Why can't we just use the Leaderboard?

A: It's important for Fark itself to do the jobs that various satellites like the Scrutinizer and Leaderboard have been forced to perform. These sites, no matter how well-built, are inexorably tied to their creators. The whole thing falls apart when that person walks away. We've seen it happen several times already, and there's no reason to think the Leaderboard is immune. These changes are necessary to prevent another Dark Age of Photoshop like the one we experienced last year.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to offer my sincere apologies to TheSniperZERO, whose scheduled mockery was cut from this edition in favor of actual news. I sure hope nothing happens next week, because I can't wait to get back to annoying TSZ.

Stay tuned for more planned aggravation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-01-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

Questionable Consternation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature serves as a spotlight of sorts for my insane rantings, some of which are tangentially related to Fark's Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me once again. As National Vote Whore Month draws to a close, I'd like to take some time in today's post to reflect upon the damage done.

Q: What kind of damage did NVWM cause?

A: The kind of vast, widespread, catastrophic damage that can only be detected by someone who has intimate knowledge of the inner-workings of our community, and is also kind of a dick. Once again, I'm the right guy for the job! By default perhaps, but it's an impressive feat nonetheless. Maybe you're still confused about what exactly a vote whore is. Well, the term is defined as pretty much anyone who ever entered a Fark contest.

Q: Am I a vote whore?

A: You want the votes, don't you? You don't enable voting by accident, and neither did any of the Golden Age Photoshoppers whom everyone salivates over in wistful contemplation of bygone days. These are contests, and they have winners. But the only real losers are people who let their inexplicable need to control others poison what can be an otherwise enjoyable hobby. If you don't like the crap, rise above it. Don't wallow around in the muck and complain about how much it stinks.

Q: How can anyone hope defeat a cliche?

A: I think the first step is to not suck at Photoshop. This is probably a big leap for some of you. When you think about it, though, it kind of makes sense. You'll never be able to stop every single person from posting a crappy entry. Even if you ran off a few idiots, more would soon arrive to fill the vacuum. What you can do is focus on your own work. If everyone did that, we'd be pretty well off. Of course, this is harder than just bitching about things.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to offer TheSniperZERO my sincerest apologies for not taunting him more in this post. It's just that he's such a tedious person to focus on, I thought I'd break up the monotony a bit. I'll get back to mocking him in earnest next week, by which time I'm sure he will have left at least a dozen spam comments in a desperate plea for attention.

Stay tuned for more accurate predictions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-01-21T22:50:00.000-08:00

Questionable Reconsideration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me again. I'm glad you're here, even if your opinions have been devastatingly malnourished by ignorance. Think of this blog as a sumptuous intellectual buffet. I know I do.

Q: Why did TheSniperZERO undergo a sudden personality change?

A: Some of my more astute readers may have picked up on certain subtle differences in the way our resident asshole TSZ interacts with the rest of the site. This is by design. I got to thinking, why would anyone give a shit about what that miserable goat-fucker has to say? I've grown weary of his utterly transparent attempts at trolling, and I'm sure you have as well.

Q: Did the two of you reach an understanding?

A: I suppose you could say that. Or you could say the more accurate thing, which is that I've been editing TheSniperZERO's pithy witticisms to insure they contain at least a measure of pith and/or wit. I've resisted doing this kind of thing in the past, but that was before I realized how much it pisses him off.

Q: Wasn't the Clinic supposed to be a bastion of free speech?

A: NO. Well, maybe for me, but not for every random asshole. Like I said before, if anyone cared to read TSZ's hackneyed tripe, they probably would have tuned in to his blog more often than never. I realize he feels like it's his duty to inform me that I'm wasting my time, but those words come across as rather hollow when spoken by the same fool who has been trolling this blog in various uncreative ways since day one.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here at the end to once again taunt TheSniperZERO, who is stupid and bad at Photoshop. Let's all hope he stops by the comment section to extrude some more of his patented vitriol. I can't wait to see what he has to say.
There's a new Doctor in town.
Stay tuned for more feigned surprise from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-01-14T18:53:00.000-08:00

Questionable Motivation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature takes a look at Fark's Photoshop community. As usual, I'm glad you're here. Especially if you're my old nemesis TheSniperZERO, the closest thing this blog has to a villain. Luckily, he's of the bungling comical variety of evildoer, more Home Alone burglar than Jason Voorhees.

Q: Why do you keep taunting TheSniperZERO?

A: I know it may seem a bit churlish at this point, so I'd like to propose a compromise. I'll stop mocking TheSniperZERO when he stops being an unrepentant dick. It's always humorous when someone tries to paint themselves as the bad guy, then proceed to cry like a bitch when they receive comeuppance for their miserable actions.

Q: Why has contest participation increased?

A: It would seem that our community's luck has changed. A few recent threads have seen very strong turnout, in both participation and voters. A few misguided individuals have attributed this surge to the nascent FPC Leaderboard. It's just as well that they don't suspect the horrible truth, which involved dark pagan rituals and the handling of more goat's blood than I would care to remember. We should be pretty well fixed until the next solstice.

Q: Is this the beginning of a new Golden Age?

A: Let's not get ahead of ourselves, I doubt there's enough goat's blood in the world to resurrect Fark's Golden Age as it is so often glamorized. And besides, most people can't even afford a golden shower in this economy. I've got my fingers crossed in hopes of a tinfoil age. Then at least I can use it to wrap up some leftovers.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by once again taunting TheSniperZERO, whom I invite to deface my comments section in his usual puerile, asinine and utterly transparent style.

Stay tuned for more justifiable defamation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2011-01-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

Questionable Inundation

Greetings crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I hope everyone's 2011 is off to a great start. There's just something about the promise of a new year! It's a feeling of rebirth, like when you burn your business down for the insurance money. A clean slate, assuming you reminded your janitor to take the night off.

Q: What's the latest threat to our community's survival?

A: Like most threats, it comes from within. I'm talking, of course, about National Vote Whore Month. During this insidious annual tradition, PSers fill their contest entries with gratuitous boobs and cliches. Like most fun activities on Fark, it only took about 15 seconds for the trolls to get worked up about it and start stamping their feet in protest.

Q: What is a vote whore?

A: By definition, a vote whore is anyone who gets more votes than you. If you've ever been beaten in a contest by anyone, needless to say, that person is no better than a filthy prostitute. They only created their image to get votes, unlike you, who created it to break artistic boundaries and also get votes.

Q: When will NVWM end?

A: That's the scary part. No one really knows! There are some who think it will peter out after about four weeks. However, other people say that National Vote Whore Month has been going for the last five years, and shows no sign of letting up. We'll just have to ride it out. If you need me, I'll be in my beautiful woman-proof bunker (aka: my basement).

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by personally taunting TheSniperZERO, who surfaced again predictably in last week's comment section. He's like a turd who won't stay flushed. Which is ironic, as I'm told he eats his own shit and therefore does not actually make use of a toilet.

Stay tuned for more fecalphilic allegations from the Doctor!

New Year's Day Q&A

2011-01-01T18:46:00.000-08:00

Questionable Imposition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the first Q&A of 2011. As you're no doubt aware, I like to get my new year off to a good start. Usually by insulting anyone who disagreed with me in the previous one. If this applies to you, please note that your opinions are invalid and your mother is a whore.

Q: What are your resolutions for this year?

A: Resolutions are for imperfect people. As I've previously stated, my judgment and moral compass are above reproach. I see no reason to deviate from my previous course of action, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't make some changes in your own miserable routine. After all, I think we've already established that I'm much better than you.

Q: How do you ring in the new year?

A: My annual New Year's bash, where I invite everyone who has wronged me to party down and have a good time whilst being chained up in my basement. If you didn't get your invitation, it's probably just because the post office had trouble forwarding your mail to the correct homeless shelter.

Q: What are you thankful for this year?

A: Mainly that all those doom prophecies concerning the destruction of our community were greatly exaggerated. By some people's account, you'd think Fark Photoshop was as brittle as glass. Everything is a threat, from cliches to the voters themselves. The only real threat to Fark comes from those who would limit our creative freedom, whether by barring the use of an idea they don't like, or by shaming someone who doesn't live up to their particular standards of excellence.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Please accept my best wishes for a happy new year. I value your readership, even if you're only stopping by to see TheSniperZERO and I call each other cunts. Which reminds me, TSZ, you're a huge cunt. All your angst highlights the fact that you haven't had a fresh idea in your miserable life.

Stay tuned for more direct mocking from the Doctor!

Holiday Q&A

2010-12-25T09:17:00.000-08:00

Questionable Introduction

Greetings, crickets and elves. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of the Q&A. God rest ye merry gentlemen, peace on Earth and all that garbage. This is shaping up to be quite the Yuletide season. Let me begin this week's post by wishing happy holidays to you all. And not those crappy rip-off holidays like Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. I could make several jokes at their expense, but I'll refrain since it's Christmas.

Q: Are you sad this Christmas?

A: Maybe a little. I just received word the other day that Fark is dead. This is according to one of the most hated members of our community, who actually hasn't posted to the site in years. Obviously he knows what he's talking about, and in no way is he being a ginormous cretin. On an unrelated note, "ginormous" now shows up as an actual word in spell check. My high school English teacher must be spinning in her shallow grave.

Q: Did you get any good gifts this year?

A: I got the best gift a Fark Photoshopper could get. No, it wasn't a Presidential pardon for my many years of abusing copyrighted material. No, it also wasn't TSZ's rotting corpse (that's really more of an Easter gift, given his God complex). This Christmas morning, I awoke to find a bright and shiny new Photoshop monitor under my tree. It's called the Fark Photoshop Contest Leaderboard, or FPC Leaderboard for short. Or FPCL for even shorter. No matter what you call it, the Leaderboard works great. It's the best thing since unsliced bread (which I prefer to sliced).

Q: Who is responsible for creating the new site?

A: According to veteran Photoshopper i-dig, who provides hosting for the FPCL on his Misfit Squirrels site, we have Hobosong to thank for putting it all together. My congratulations to him. Instead of fustigating about the decline of our community like an embittered old codger, he got off his ass and actually did something about it. Future generations of PSers will have him to thank both for the current Leaderboard and its upcoming integrated functionality to the main Fark site.

That's a for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. Unless you're related to TheSniperZERO, in which case please do everyone a favor and slip some laxatives into his mashed potatoes. Given his demeanor, the man has obviously not completed a successful bowel movement since Seinfeld was on the air.

Stay tuned for more dated references from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-12-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

Questionable Commercialization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regularly occurring feature focuses on Fark's Photoshop community. Some of you might not be aware, but Christmas is almost upon us. Maybe you're like me, and have been desperately trying to tune out the holiday season since the day after Halloween, when retailers set out the their chintzy Yuletide decorations. Let incessant bell-ringing from religious panhandlers be the clarion call that throttles you into action.

Q: Why the sense of urgency?

A. Christmas is right around the corner, and you only have a limited amount of time to search out whatever perfect gift will justify for your loved ones having to put up with you on a daily basis. What that item is specifically will depend on the person. You'll find that people love to speak in code. For example, your kids may have been asking for that new video game where you get to rape your opponent's eye sockets. Clearly, this is a desperate cry for some new wool socks. Maybe your aunt Beatrice has been complaining that her feet get cold while she's watching TV. Obviously, she's telling you she needs a subscription to the Jelly of the Month club. If you don't have kids or an aunt Beatrice, good for you. You're off the hook for buying presents this year.

Q: When do you do your shopping?

A: Personally, I don't shop anymore. I see it as a job for my underlings. Of course, not everyone has the option of letting their Ecuadorian maid buy all the Christmas gifts. You might be able to get by with a Guatemalan or Jamaican maid, but be prepared to deal with fuck ups. Please note that regardless of nationality, they will become upset if you fail to reimburse them. Just say they broke a lamp and take it out of their pay.

Q: Have you ever seen a Christmas ghost?

A: I'm glad you asked, because I needed a third question to round out the Q&A. It just so happens that I was once visited by three spirits on Christmas eve. They told me I should change my evil ways, and even suggested that I start paying my employees with actual money. Luckily, this happened during the mid 1980's, and I was able to promptly dispatch the Ghostbusters to the scene. That trio of preachy holiday phantoms were no match for a backpack-mounted particle accelerator.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Regardless of your beliefs, I hope you have a happy holiday season. Whether you gather around the Christmas tree or the Hanukkah bush, here's hoping your family shares the most love money can buy.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-12-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

Questionable Intermission

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm sad to report the passing of Laz Long. He was a talented Photoshopper, and a valuable asset to our community. I'm taking the week off, out of respect to my fallen comrade. I offer my humble condolences to his family and friends. He was taken from us far too soon.

I'll return next week with your regularly prescribed dosage of animosity. In the meantime, links to all of Laz's work can be found in the Fark profile Remember Laz Long, which was recently created by Wavion.

Stay tuned for more solemn memorials from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-12-03T08:32:00.000-08:00

Questionable Compilation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to an all-new edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I've been the hate blogger of record for quite some time now. Over the years, I've been called upon to report the latest facts and opinions. Occasionally I even differentiate between the two.

Q: What new resources are being developed for Fark?

A: There have been several sites created to serve our community, but most of them are unfortunately no longer active. A replacement for the Scrutinizer has been in the works for a while, but so far no results have been forthcoming. This week, however, a new type of resource was discovered. You can try it out by clicking here.

Q: How will that site benefit our community?

A: A longstanding problem with Fark has been tied to the fact that image hosting is always handled by a third party. These image hosts have a penchant for being unreliable, which leads to a lot of archived threads filled with broken links. It's gotten so bad that newcomers just have to take veterans at their word when told how much better the Golden Age used to be. By storing all the images in a requested thread, this new site will allow us to effortlessly put future generations in their place.

Q: What limitations does this new resource have?

A: The biggest fault I can see is that every image is pulled from a given thread, including unaltered GIS postings and any NSFW images that haven't been deleted by the mods. The site also doesn't cater exclusively to Photoshop, so we're forced to share space with political trolls and TSA grope threads.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close by expressing my gratitude to the creator of this new resource. There has long been the need for a way to store contest entries independent of the crappy free image hosts that everyone seems to use.

Stay tuned for more sincere appreciation from the Doctor!

Turkey Day Q&A

2010-11-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

Questionable Indigestion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special Thanksgiving Q&A. I wanted to start by wishing a happy Thanksgiving to all the children of the world. Then I remembered that only America actually celebrates this holiday. Also I don't like children very much. Regardless, I'm probably glad you're here.

Q: What are you thankful for?

A: Besides my unquestioned moral authority? My witless enemies? Free day-old crullers in the dumpster behind every Dunkin Donuts? There's plenty of reasons for everyone at Fark to give thanks. Recent revelations have suggested that site founder Drew Curtis may have finally awakened to the collective grousing of the PSAEF. A permanent, integrated Scrutinizer replacement is apparently in the works. Thanks to everyone who is helping to bring this exciting new feature to our community.

Q: What was the first Thanksgiving like?

A: My memories from grade school are spotty at best, but I recall that America was founded in 1942 by Columbo. Later on, some pilgrims showed up and built a giant rock shaped like a Plymouth. This pleased the local Indians, who decided to peacefully give up all their land in exchange for $13.67, which was a lot of money back then. To commemorate the occasion, a huge feast was held. Then the Indians got on their motorcycles and headed out west to found some casinos. Also, a lot of them died from cholera.

Q: Why doesn't every country celebrate Thanksgiving?

A: From what I gather, the non-American parts of the world are mostly filled with ramshackle huts and very little indoor plumbing. A holiday based around overeating would be disastrous in such places, as afterward the entire population would proceed to squat in the streets, creating a tidal wave of chunky diarrhea.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close my Thanksgiving post by once again giving thanks to everyone working on our new contest monitor. I'll be glad when the Dark Age of Photshop finally comes to a close, and I sincerely doubt anyone will ever become nostalgic for it.

Stay tuned for more guarded optimism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-11-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

Questionable Purification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regular feature, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. It's nice of me to join you again. Hopefully you had a great week, unless you disagree with me, in which case I sincerely hope you died. Today's post is all about self-improvement, how futile it is, and why no one should ever try it.

Q: What if every Photoshopper doubled their skills?

A: Many do, but such advancements don't often happen over night. Most of us have to work pretty hard at it. Any change in skill level is incremental, spread over the weeks and months. Except in certain cases, wherein simply learning how to turn the computer on is a monumental first step for the artist.

Q: Why don't we reach a point where everyone is good?

A: I've come to think of Fark as a revolving door. Just as one user learns everything there is to know (and subsequently becomes embittered), there always seems to be a fresh crop of idealistic newcomers just getting started. Our community thrives on this new blood, and part of Fark's appeal is that anyone can compete.

Q: Why do so many veteran PSers become embittered?

A: There are a lot of theories as to what makes a seemingly well-adjusted Farker start complaining about how much better everyone in the community used to be. Maybe they reach a plateau in terms of artistic growth, and the only thing left to do is tear down the work of others. Maybe they feel their awesome skills aren't being properly rewarded. Maybe they're like TheSniperZERO, who never had skills or a decent personality to begin with. Anyone who bitches and moans about the state of our community needs to take a good long look in the mirror. Insults and fake nostalgia only serve to further alienate the current generation of Photoshoppers.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Improving Fark is a noble idea, but any such effort would no doubt be counter-productive. Forcing a division between veterans and newcomers prevents both sides from learning from one another. I'm glad that our community welcomes everyone, regardless of skill. If you want to live in the past and be an embittered dick, please keep it to yourself. The rest of us are trying to have fun.

Stay tuned for more repressed animosity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-11-12T06:57:00.000-08:00

Questionable Insinuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues relating to the Photoshop community at Fark. You may recall that last week's post dealt with some proposed changes to the voting system. Users may soon be able to vote for an entry as either best, funniest, or crap. This brave new idea has been very popular with TheSniperZERO, but not so much with everyone else. Wow, the former proprietor of TFPTC supports an option to vote for someone else's work as crap. What a shocking revelation! Someone please alert the media whilst I continue with this week's questions.

Q: Why is TheSniperZERO wrong?

A: We don't have nearly enough time here to go into all the various nuances of why TSZ is a hopeless dickhole. Look for my upcoming book on the subject, available in the non-fiction section of your local book store. For the meantime, let's just focus on the issue at hand. Good old TSZ is unfortunately misguided in his support of the pending changes (also known as Proposition BOOOOOO). He thinks the possibility of ending up on the crap list will deter people from posting what he considers to be substandard entries. After all, he tried doing basically the same thing at his blog and look how well that turned out.

Q: Does negativity have a place in Fark contests?

A: Certainly, provided you can channel your negativity into the form of a Photoshop. Fark's moderators have thankfully deleted text-only trolling for as long as I can remember, presumably to keep the contest threads from derailing into flame wars. But soon we may have a new option to let the trolling be done anonymously. You won't know who hates your work, or even specifically why. It's really no surprise to me that TSZ supports this idea. Let's hope its success is equal to that of his thread critiques.

Q: Is there any word on a replacement for the Scrutinizer?

A: There were some recent PSAEF rumblings about a new contest archive site to replace the ailing Scrutinizer. We've been promised such things in the past, so I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up. Estimated time of completion for the project is towards the end of the year, which means we have a bit of waiting to do yet. Still, news that the Dark Age of Photoshop may soon be coming to a close sounds good to me.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Given that TheSniperZERO has come out in support of multi-option voting, I think we safely flush the idea. Besides, the lack of an official response to one of the biggest forum uproars in recent memory indicates that the whole thing may just have been Drew's way of trolling a drunken PSAEFer. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

Stay tuned for more wishful thinking from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-11-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

Questionable Derision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I'm glad you're here, assuming you aren't some asshole with the audacity to disagree with me. If so, my only request is that you kill yourself in the most painful way possible. Get back to me on that later, but for now let's continue with this week's questions.

Q: Has any more been said about the proposed changes to voting?

A: Last week's post detailed rumors of some brewing changes to the way we Farkers cast our votes. Fark contests, long the bastion of single option voting, may soon see the addition of multiple choices. I featured this rumor in a Q&A from last year, but the addition of an option allowing users to vote for entries as "crap" brings it to the forefront of discussion. No official word has yet been issued to address this wildly unpopular rumor, which drew the ire of pretty much everyone in the PSAEF.

Q: Why is multiple option voting worse than Hitler?

A: Let me just start by saying that a comparison to the Nazis is really unfair. I'd say this is more like a mix of Nazism and New Coke in its ill-conceived awfulness. I sincerely hope such a terrible idea never sees the light of day, because our contests have always been a haven from the trolls that infest Fark.

Q: What if they removed the "crap" option?

A: It's still the worst idea I've heard this year. Voting at Fark is something that doesn't need fixing, despite shrill complaints from some of us when we score poorly. I'll admit that I wasn't completely against the idea at first, but "best" and "funniest" are too vague. Even the addition of scaled (1-5 or 1-10 option) voting would be most unwelcome. There's always some asshole (with sand in his vagina) that will lowvote everything he sees, just to be a dick.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Whilst I try not to put too much faith into half-remembered rumors from hungover forum-goers, these proposed changes could potentially be disastrous to our community. Let's hope it's just something Drew tells Photoshoppers to troll them. Though the lack of an official response could mean we're all about to have a "you'll get over it" moment.

Stay tuned for more irrational panic from the Doctor!

Fright Day Q&A

2010-10-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

Questionable Contusion

Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a special Halloween edition of the Q&A. I'm cooking up a spooky celebration of the season, so grab your trick or treat bag! Unless you live in my neighborhood, which apparently takes issue with a middle-aged Power Ranger making the rounds. What gives? I was just trying to feed my family.

Q: What's the scariest thing you saw this Halloween?

A: Probably some late-breaking news from the PSAEF. It involved the most terrifying phrase in web design: "big changes are coming." Any former Digg users can tell you, this is not what you want to hear in regards to your web community. As a veteran of the FAILtastic Fark redesign, it chills me to the bone. r.

Q: What kind of changes?

A: From what I can gather, it's a complete overhaul of the voting system. Instead of the current single option voting, users will soon be able to vote for an entry as either "best," "funniest," or "crap." You might remember a similar rumor that I discussed in April of last year. Back then, it lacked the latter option. I'm not sure who's bright idea it was to add "crap," but it's definitely the most upsetting decision I've seen come down the pipe.

Q: Why would anyone think it to be a good idea?

A: Brain damage? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm sure there will be an inevitable chorus of "you'll get over it." Honestly, I have my doubts. Recent events, like the demise of Digg, have shown that no good can come from alienating users. I sincerely hope that Drew reconsiders this regrettable idea.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Have a happy Halloween. I hope the rumors discussed in this week's post has little or no basis in reality. Just keep in mind, we've heard of this before. That makes me think it's either in the works, or something Drew tells Photoshoppers to troll them.

Stay tuned for more unwanted changes from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-10-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Questionable Provocation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. You might not always agree with me, but that's just because you're stupid. Keep reading and you just might learn something. Though like your 6th grade education, I doubt it will stick.

Q: Why do you hate your readers?

A: This baseless accusation is utterly ridiculous on its face. Only a moronic imbecile would form such a poorly-rendered assumption. I could never hate my readers. They're like my children! In fact, given that I hardly ever choke my readers or dangle them from high-rise balconies, you could say I love them even more than my children.

Q: Then what's with all the insults?

A: It's called tough love, dumbass. If I learned anything from court-mandated anger management therapy, it's that sometimes you have to get tough on the ones you love, and random strangers. Also, try not to bite your tongue when the police inevitably taser you.

Q: Aren't you afraid people will stop reading?

A: Absolutely not. The great thing about this blog is that most of my readership does so out of pathological obsession. I can say whatever I want, and go off topic for weeks at a time. I can even make pointless vanity posts where I congratulate myself for various feats of misanthropy. All things considered, it's been an extremely lucrative endeavor.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you found this post to be both entertaining and enlightening. If not, go back and try rereading it. Only this time don't just skip over the multisyllabic words.

Stay tuned for more suggested comprehension from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-10-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

Questionable Reunion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at the issues that other Fark bloggers are too afraid, or non-existent, to face. The opinions expressed here are provided to you as a courtesy, so that you have some insight into how a non-syphilitic brain functions.

Q: Has your favorite Photoshopper ever left Fark?

A: No, I never have. See what I did there? Because I'm my favorite Photoshopper. But narcissistic personality disorders aside, there have been many great pixel pushers who have disappeared over the years. Some were my friends, whilst others were before my time.

Q: Where did these people go?

A: Life has a funny habit of getting in the way. A wide range of excuses have been given by these retiring Photoshoppers, from familial obligations to this thing called "work." Thankfully, the economic crisis brought an end to much of the latter. The former, however, continues to take out good 'shoppers in their prime. We may need to recruit more loveless loners into our ranks.

Q: Does anyone ever come back?

A: All the time. Photoshopping is truly an addiction, and few can resist the urge for long. I'm always glad to welcome back these returning veterans. Their absence is often cited as proof of some mass exodus due to Fark's decline. There is no singular reason the various members of our Golden Age pantheon dropped off. Work, family, even a couple of freak outs. Regardless of why, try to keep a perspective that Photoshopping is a hobby.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I want to close this post by once again offering my sincere appreciation to all returning veterans. Time marches on without these people, but familiar names hearken to the past.
Except for TheSniperZERO
Stay tuned for more Farking nostalgia from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-10-08T09:18:00.001-07:00

Questionable Expiration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again, as I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. For as long as I can clearly remember, this blog has been a paragon of respectability and forward-thinking debate. Anyone who says otherwise is a treasonous asshole, one whom should be hated and scorned.
ideally, hate-scorned
Q: What happened to the Scutinizer's replacement?

A: Development seems to have halted on the Photoshop Contest Archive Project. We were told the completion of it would be more of a long term deal, though initial strides were promising. Not having an archive site has crippled our community, so I truly hope someone is able help soon.

Q: Will Mr Squirrel ever fix the Scrutinizer?

A: The odds in favor of that happening are not good. Part of me still wants to believe that Mr Squirrel will return to fix things. Of course, I also believed in Santa Claus at one point in my life. Once I got to college, I pretty much figured things out. Likewise, the writing is on the wall regarding the Scrutinizer's fate. Even before it broke completely, it hadn't displayed a correct date for several months.

Q: Why doesn't Fark keep track of our stats?

A: I've been asking this question for a long time. Most other Photoshop contest sites keep track of a user's contributions and statistics. It can be argued that Fark isn't a dedicated PS site. The contests are actually a secondary component of the user experience, the primary I guess is arguing about politics with multiple alts. This is true to a large extent, but it would be much easier for Fark to set up something that scrapes its own content than it would be for us to set up another (and another, and another) of these archive sites. They only last as long as their creator's interest.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Don't let the current Dark Age of Photoshop get you down (unless you disagree with me about anything, in which case feel free to rot in a chasm of despair). It may not have been implicitly stated before, but I am an expert on all subjects, most especially the subject of determining when I am an expert at things. My months of training to be a doctor have taught me to trust my gut instincts, which tell me everything is probably going to be fine. Or not.

Stay tuned for more ambiguous predictions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-10-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

Questionable Examination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In today's post, we'll be taking a look at some of Fark's most popular cliche images. As a certified expert on the subject of Internet memes, I enjoy tracking the viral spread of humor. My tenure as caretaker of Cliche City has given me some unique insight into the appeal of these pictures that are so frequently seen around Fark.

Q: What is the most popular Fark cliche?

A: The answer might surprise you. We've all seen the classic Paint Huffer mugshot used thousands of times, but Pat Tribbet's image is by no means the most popular. His continued love of inhalants assures him a top spot in the pantheon of Fark cliches, but he isn't what people are coming to Cliche City for. That honor belongs to the Black Baby Head image originated by Kerouac555.

Q: What brought you to this conclusion?

A: All I had to do was take a look at the Cliche City stats. That site gets a lot of traffic, mainly by way of Google search queries. Guess who is at the top of the list? It doesn't matter if you look at the weekly, monthly or all time stats, the little black kid wins by a landslide. Suck it, haters.

Pops to larger, or you could buy a decent sized monitor, you cheap asshole.

The only real competition comes from the Beatles and Abbey Road. Even combined, they still don't come close to BBH, as both the singular and plural forms of "black baby" appear on every list. And whilst some searchers may not be looking for our BBH in particular, he's the one they end up using. I see it as a bit of redemption for the image's originator, who notably made himself a pariah in the process of birthing that meme.

Q: Isn't BBH still considered to be a forced meme?

A: It's true that many Farkers don't consider him to be a real cliche. Kerouac555's incessant use of BBH was a huge point of contention amongst people with nothing better to argue about. I've always enjoyed the image, if for no other reason than because it pisses off a certain stuffy subset of our community. We're free to post whatever we like in the contests, so kindly STFU. At this point, I think we're past the argument of whether or not BBH is a real cliche. As previously stated, the stats don't lie.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you disagree with the views and opinions expressed in this blog, please feel free to register your displeasure in the comment section. I'd much rather mock you for your awkward attempts at trolling than your utter cowardice in the face of someone who is much smarter than you.

Stay tuned for more obvious flamebait from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-09-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Questionable Instigation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the Friday Q&A. This regular feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Some people might think that I'm an opinionated jackass, but nothing could be further from the truth. I greet every visitor warmly, provided we agree with each other in every way. This week's edition will be examining the political influences on our community. As a formality, please sign this loyalty oath before continuing.

Q: Why are there so many political trolls on Fark?

A: Fark has always been a haven for trolls, but it tends to get a bit crowded during election season. For the most part, this partisan animosity stays confined to the political threads. Of which there are dozens. A veritable smorgasbord of trolling delight is made available to the average Farker, so I'm puzzled as to why their vitriol has begun to spill over into the Photoshop threads.

Q: Why has vitriol begun to spill over into the Photoshop threads?

A: Like I just said, I'm puzzled. This can generally be taken to mean that I don't know specifically why. There's likely many factors at work here. I've been seeing a lot of recently created accounts, which probably means fresh alts for our known roster of dickbags. Rumor has it that some assholes are even paid to troll Fark. Nice work if you can get it, especially in this economy.

Q: Where do I sign up?

A: That's what I would like to know. I can always use the extra income, as my Fabergé egg addiction has begun to get expensive in recent years. At any rate, the hardcore trolls seem to be smart enough to avoid the more stringent posting guidelines for Photoshop threads. However, it's true that some have been getting increasingly brazen in recent months. Nowadays, it's not unusual to see a contest devolve into a mass of text, simply because one moron stepped out of line.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad we were able to have an open discussion of Fark's posting guidelines that didn't end with anyone drawing comparisons to fascism. Enjoy, it's probably the last one you'll see, at least until the election season ends.

Stay tuned for more apolitical sentiments from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-09-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

Questionable Transition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Here at the Picture Clinic, I pride myself on consistency. I'm consistently right, and you're consistently a subhuman and moronic waste of life. The fact that people like you manage to survive is a slap in the face to the vaunted theory of evolution. I can only assume you've developed a hard shell or camouflage reflex to thwart predators.

Q: Have you figured out a way to fix Google?

A: If you had the displeasure of reading last week's column, you know that the functionality of Google Image Search was recently marred by an unpopular redesign. Instead of a neatly arranged grid, search results are now carelessly dumped in front of the user. Despite a massive public outcry, few fixes currently exist to permanently give you back the classic version of the search. As a temporary workaround, I've installed the Google Images (Classic) plug-in listed on this page.

Q: Why did Google see the need to improve their image search?

A: I see the change as an attempt to keep step with Bing, Google's top competitor. After all, how better to outfox your enemy than by becoming just like them in every way? America didn't win the War on Terror by having TSA agents grab my junk every time I go to the airport. We won it by launching cruise missiles into densely populated areas. This new image search is Google's own version of the Daisy Cutter.
Remember the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt take it up a notch
Q: Why does Google want to be like Bing?

A: No one really knows why Google seems determined make their site even more ugly and dysfunctional than the competition. It might be possible that Google is some sort of alien creature sent to kill and replace Microsoft. We may need to be on the lookout for suspicious pods. At any rate, the new image search fails for abandoning low-bandwidth users. Hopefully, the plug-in listed above will enable you to bypass this annoying new feature.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It's important to note that many search alternatives exist. No one is forcing you to use Bing or Google, despite their competition to surreptitiously change your default engine through increasingly obtrusive toolbars. Yahoo and Lycos.com (site motto: Yes, we still exist!) are just two of many possible examples.

Stay tuned for more unpopular alternatives from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-09-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Questionable Suggestion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As usual, I'm glad you're here. Even if you disagree with what I say, this is the time for us all to come together in a state of national unity. In the spirit of patriotism and goodwill, I want to temporarily extend an olive branch to my detractors. This isn't the time for petty bickering.

Q: Why the sudden change of heart?

A: Isn't it obvious? A huge blight has scarred the American way of life. I'm talking, of course, about the recent changes made to the search engine Google. In case you were completely oblivious, Google has been hard at work trying to make its user experience more ridiculous. You may recall my reaction to the first of these changes, a useless sidebar (cloned from competitor Bing).

Q: Are you going to rant about how you hate the new Instant feature?

A: I actually don't mind it that much. At least Instant can be turned off fairly easily. I'm much more alarmed about the new GIS. They changed to a horrible new format some weeks back, and I've been looking for a reliable way to turn it off permanently. A few methods exist, but I'm not particularly happy with any of them.

Q: What is your solution to the problem?

A: So far, the best workaround I've found for the GIS issue is to use another search engine. Finding a replacement can be tough, but there are alternatives. Bing is the obvious first choice, at least if you support corporate fascism. Yahoo is another option, at least their image search page has an a decent layout. I also recently discovered that Lycos.com is still active. Presumably, that site allows you to search for content exclusively from 1999 (the last time that engine was relevant).

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. I hope you didn't mind this brief diversion from the topic of Fark, but image searching is integral to creating a good Photoshop. I tried photographing all the sources myself, but it's a dangerous hobby these days. If you go around snapping pictures in our society, you eventually end up on some double-secret terrorist watch list.

Stay tuned for more infrequent flying from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-09-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

Questionable Evaluation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues relating to Fark's Photoshop community. It's just my way of giving back without trying very hard. In life, as well as Photoshop, anything that requires effort is a complete waste of time. Sorry, architects of civilization. We're still just a bunch of primates, who invariably resort to flinging our shit at whatever we don't understand. This week, I'll be examining a topic that no one seems to understand: voting.

Q: How do you decide how to cast your vote?

A: It really depends on what I'm voting for. If it's a political election, I can be counted on to vote for whichever candidate uses the most eagles in their campaign advertisements. Those birds really are the best way to determine how patriotic a given politico is. If I ever run for office, I'll make sure my campaign ads are literally plastered with eagles. And none of those crappy bald ones. Each bird would have a miniature toupee grafted to its skull. The whole thing would be very tasteful.

Q: What about Fark voting?

A: Fark voting is a little bit different. For starters, eagles don't really play a factor in building voter confidence. I've developed my own system to evaluate contest entries, and it serves me well enough. If the image is one of my own creations, I definitely vote for it. I spread a few more votes around the thread, but I make sure they only get awarded to people who have never done anything to piss me of or threaten my average. That's an admittedly small number.

Q: Why do some people only vote for one entry per contest?

A: Because some people (most, actually) are idiots. They must think they're electing prom queen or something. I usually cast several votes per contest, depending on how many entries I've posted. The idea that one single image can ever be truly superior is preposterous. Unless of course, that image was crafted by me.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It's very important for you not waste your vote. This isn't some shitty Presidential election, where we can get by on 15% turnout. We need a full compliment of Fark PSers voting in each contest, preferably for me.

Stay tuned for more vote whoring from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-08-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

Questionable Disintegration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Odds are pretty good that I'm glad you're here. I started the Picture Clinic a few years ago, as a bastion of free speech for those who agree with me. Unlike a lot of bloggers, who tend to be cretinous dick brains with little regard for the English language, I distinctly remember spell-checking at least two of my posts.

Q: Are you worried about your Photoshop legacy?

A: Such sentiments have become popular in the wake of the Scrutinizer's demise. It would seem that the vote averages we worked so hard to cultivate have been obliterated by a simple change in web code. What's worse, future generations of 'shoppers won't know who we are, or that they suck. On the upside, those same future generations will be mercifully spared the humiliation of comparing their work to mine.

Q: Why do you care what anyone thinks?

A: Not to put too fine a point on it, but I don't. In my own mind, I'm already the greatest Photoshopper Fark has ever seen in the world of the universe. There's no need for a website to confirm this fact, any more than there is for a site that focuses on my good standards of personal hygiene and generally inoffensive odor. Why bother setting up a series of statistical calculations to substantiate what I already know to be true?

Q: Then why do you care if the Scrutinizer goes offline?

A: Fark needs a Scrutinizer, and losing Mr Squirrel's site has been a real blow to this community. I miss the feeling of superiority I get from comparing another person's work to my own. It will be a relief when the new archive site is finished, assuming that ever happens. I'm more than ready to put the current Photoshop Dark Ages behind us.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Without a Scrutinizer to keep track of the stats, I've been forced to do my own analysis. After a series of intensive calculations, I've determined my average to be at least 500 votes per entry.

Stay tuned for more questionable accounting from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-08-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Questionable Cessation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you're here, because we have important business to discuss. If you're one of those people who bitches and moans about cliche abuse, you might want to sit this one out. The subject of this week's post is everyone's favorite paint huffer (or Krylon-American, if you want to be politically correct).

Q: Why is Pat Tribbett in the news again?

A: Tribbett, who has gained fame for his perennial abuse of gold paint, is quickly returning to his old ways. Say goodbye to the clean and sober Pat of late last year. A report from this week has him suffering a particularly devastating relapse. Shockingly enough, court-ordered sobriety may not be an achievable goal for everyone. At this rate, he's going to have enough mugshots to fill his own calendar. Thank the FSM no one uses those any more.

Q: Is it wrong to huff paint?

A: The media certainly works hard enough to convince us of this fact. I, however, remain skeptical. Our society has a proven track record of demonizing that which it does not understand. For as long as I can remember, inhalant abusers have been stereotyped and ridiculed. If huffing paint was a form of non-violent protest, Tribbett would be the next Gandhi or Rosa Parks.

Q: Is Tribbett really equatable to Gandhi?

A: You're not listening. I said Gandhi and Rosa Parks. The man is obviously a crusader for human rights, specifically the right to turn one's own brain into mush via years of exposure to toxic chemicals. Why is the world so intent on keeping Tribbett from the one thing that brings him joy in life? The man lives in West Virginia. That place isn't exactly bristling with opera houses and vibrant political discourse. The lesson he teaches us is a valuable one: When you love something, do it, no matter how wrong or flammable society tells you it is.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you didn't mistake this week's post as an endorsement of inhalant abuse. Huffing paint should never be practiced, even as a form of civil disobedience. I was simply pointing out that there are some places in America where an abundance of brain cells can be seen as a handicap. I offer my best wishes to Mr Tribbett, and hope to see him back on the road to recovery soon.

Stay tuned for more unrealistic expectations from the Doctor!

Anniversary Q&A

2010-08-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

Questionable Revision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by on such a monumental occasion. Today is the third anniversary of the Picture Clinic's founding, and as such, I figured I would help shed some light on your favorite hate blog (mine). Make some popcorn, because this post is sure to be the most interesting thing you'll read in the next 15 minutes. Unless you take time to read the microwave instructions off the popcorn bag.

Q: Why did you create the Picture Clinic?

A: I was once just a mild-mannered narcissistic sociopath. Three years ago, I was approached by Fark founder Drew Curtis. "Stop going through my garbage can," he said. "And while you're at it, please create a troll blog to poke fun at some of the stuffier members of the Fark Photoshop community." I agreed, but only if I be allowed to finish a half eaten cheeseburger he had discarded. Who just throws out a whole half cheeseburger?

Q: Wasn't this originally a parody blog?

A: No, no, NO. I don't know where this rumor got started. Whilst it may be true that other Fark Photoshop-related blogs existed before mine, the Picture Clinic is the first one not to be written by an absolute cretin. Those other guys were barely even trying. For all their sock puppet comments and manufactured hysteria over the state of our community, they forgot the most important part of blogging: always being right. I'm the only person I know of who can fit the bill in that respect.

Q: What happened to your rivals?

A: A better question would be, who cares what happened to my rivals? What a bunch of whiny assholes. I certainly don't miss having to decipher their poorly-written drivel. Whilst it's debatable whether or not my comment sections are better off without a bunch of misspelled attempts at trolling, I think we can at least live without the angry poems.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Stay tuned for many more years of fun here at the Picture Clinic. I'd like to close this post by taunting my fallen enemies. Since you still read this blog every week, please do me a favor and kill yourselves. To the rest of my readers, thanks for sticking around. You'll always be welcome here, provided you freely acknowledge my brilliance and genius.

Stay tuned for more self congratulation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-08-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

Questionable Resolution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature explores areas of interest to Fark's Photoshop community. Past topics have included the death of Michael Jackson (I was against it), the Gulf oil spill (I was for it), and the 2012 Mayan Deathpocalypse (I'm trying to remain neutral on that one).

Q: How did those issues play out?

A: They all seem to have been resolved. Michael Jackson either was or was not reincarnated in a fashion similar to Brandon Lee's classic goth action film The Crow. Not having access to the exclusive cemetery that Jacko was buried in, there's really no way for me to be sure. However, I think it's pretty safe to assume that he's walking the Earth in a state of living death. Hell, he had been doing that since the 90's.

Q: The Gulf oil catastrophe was resolved?

A: Unfortunately, yes. BP's oil spill, simultaneously the most tragic and annoying to hit cable news in years, was recently capped by robots. I'm very disappointed that the free flow of oil to the American people was halted. Even worse, they stopped it before 100% of all ocean life was killed off. There's almost certainly some sharks and jellyfish left alive, so we'll have to wait for another spill before we can safely go swimming without fear of being stung or inadvertently becoming part of an over-hyped week on the Discovery channel.

Q: What about the impending Mayan death prophecy?

A: That damn prophecy has been looming for too long now. I'm going to save us a couple years by declaring that the ancient Mayans were probably just jerking us around. If they had truly been able to see into the future, then they would have had some prophecies to warn them about European explorers being a bunch of civilization-raping assholes. If you can't foresee smallpox, how am I supposed to take your word on the apocalypse?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Join me again next week for the Picture Clinic's third anniversary. I'm proud to be the industry standard in hate blogging, even if it's a little like being the best two dollar whore. The for the record, I've been told that I could charge as much as three dollars.

Stay tuned for more price increases from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-07-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Questionable Education

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me once again. If you're new to the Clinic, this weekly feature explores issues of interest to Fark's Photoshop community. As a common courtesy, I ask that all newcomers click the Paypal "donate" button and contribute some funds towards the upkeep of this blog. Give whatever you're comfortable with. Any amount of money is fine, assuming it can be quantified as a shitload.

Q: Why should people listen to you?

A: For starters, I'm always right, 100% of the time. This fact alone puts me head and shoulders above the now-deceased competition. A wise man was once quoted as saying, "the Doctor is a brilliant genius." I forget who said that, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. I usually don't describe myself without using the word "godlike."

Q: What makes you so smart?

A: It's not so much that I'm smart (though I totally am, don't think for a second that I'm not). It's that everyone else is so very, very stupid. That is by no means an insult to you personally. I'm sure you serve your purpose admirably. Stupid people are a valuable commodity, and have their place in any functioning society. Why do you think so many stores sell extended warranties?

Q: How can I get smarter?

A: I'm afraid that would be impossible. It's a sad fact that ignorance can never be fully cured. Even if it could, who would want to do such a thing? Someone has to buy all those extended warranties, and it sure as hell isn't going to be me. Most people seem happy enough being stupid. I, for one, am glad their ranks are so abundant.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this look into the many stupid aspects of the human condition. I think you'll find it goes a long way towards explaining quite a few of life's mysteries, especially the voting outcome of many Fark Photoshop contests.

Stay tuned for more intellectual certitude from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-07-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

Questionable Speculation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature takes a hard look at Fark's Photoshop community. You might not always agree with me, but that's probably just because you're an ignorant prick with wrong opinions. Don't despair! By carefully following my instructions, you can be an ignorant prick with all the correct opinions.

Q: How have you been keeping track of your stats?

A: I've had to get creative since the demise of the Scrutinizer. It's funny how just a bit of code can mean the difference between a Golden Age at Fark and the current Photoshop Dark Age. At least until the new archive site is complete, we're on our own to determine whether or not we're superior to our fellow PSers.

Q: What calculations do you use?

A: Personally, I'm not much of a math guy. The fun of image mangling comes crashing down for me when I have to put two and two together (damn that number 22). I used the Scrutinizer more as an online portfolio than as a tool for statistical analysis. The appeal in obsessing about one's vote average has always been lost on me.

Q: Then how do you know if you're better than anyone?

A: I already know I'm better than everyone when I wake up in the morning (or mid afternoon as the case may be). I'm more concerned with losing track of which contests I've entered. That's why I'm glad Fark includes the profile option to automatically favorite threads you post in.

This option doesn't really work if you regularly post in non-Photoshop threads. So do the honorable thing and stick to trolling Youtube, at least until the new archive site is online. Or hold your breath and wait for Drew to incorporate Scrutinizer functionality into our Fark profiles.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Since the current Dark Age of Photoshop has left us without proper stats to compare, I'm praying that no arguments break out. There would be no way to tell which side has the most wins or higher vote average (and is therefore correct).

Stay tuned for more ambiguous victories from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-07-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

Questionable Reconstruction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a hard look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. It's a dirty job, but someone who is always right (and also a genius) has to do it. Now if you'll excuse me, those issues aren't going to take a hard look at themselves.

Q: Is the Scrutinizer still offline?

A: Unfortunately, it looks like the Scrutinizer is going to stay broken. As mentioned in a previous Q&A, Mr Squirrel's formerly indispensable site has fallen into serious disrepair. It really is the end of an era. The loss of such a valuable resource is bad enough, but I'm even more disappointed at losing the man himself. Mr Squirrel's skills and generosity were far more valuable than a hundred archive sites and forums combined. He'll always be welcome in our community, should he ever decide to return.

Q: What about the replacement site?

A: The currently unnamed replacement project was unveiled on Friday to much fanfare. Special thanks to Farker ballchain for setting things up. It might not be much to look at right now, but the design is at least on par with some of the early incarnations of the Picture Clinic. Check it out here if you haven't already.

Q: How does it compare to the Scrutinizer?

A: The fact that it works at all is a massive improvement. Beyond that, things are still taking shape. From what I understand, the finished product will boast more accurate stat tracking than the Squirrel site. Thanks again to ballchain for setting up the next generation of Photoshop archival and analysis.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by reminding you that the Picture Clinic's third anniversary is less than a month away. It seems like only 1064 days ago that I set out to slay the demons of ignorance and hubris, which had infested Fark's Photoshop community. I have no idea whether or not I was successful, but the sheer force of my effort is proof enough that I am genius with God-like power.

Stay tuned for more forceful reckoning from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-07-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Questionable Continuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm back from my vacation to the glorious worker's paradise of Puerto Rico. It turns out they actually have a pretty close relationship with the US. Enough to fully comply with requests for extradition, anyway. Take that, Communism!

Q: Is it the end of an era?

A: Apparently so. This was the news I returned home to, anyway. You never want eras to change when you're out of the country. At some point, most likely when I was hunched over the guardrail of a cruise liner hurling crab Rangoon into international waters, the Photoshop Scrutinizer stopped working. Whilst this may come as no surprise to anyone who has been monitoring the status of that site, it was still a rude awakening to the general public.

Q: How long has the Scrutinizer been having problems?

A: I don't fully recall when the first problems started to appear over at Mr Squirrel's venerable site. At some point, the contest dates stopped being recorded, and comparative stats have been offline for a while now. Bugs aside, the Scrut had continued to chug along with limited functionality until earlier this month. What changed is anyone's guess, but it would seem there's only a matter of time before the last gasp of that long-suffering resource.

Q: Should we despair?

A: No. As a matter of fact, don't. This is the kind of problem that basically resolves itself, at least after the courageous efforts of heroic individuals. Not being any of those things (especially not an individual, damn you Dissociative Identity Disorder) I'm sitting this one out. I do, however, offer my sincere thanks to the person working on a replacement site. Without people like this, our humble tradition of privately mocking each other's low voting average could easily come to a close.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. It's sad to see a celebrated part of our community like the Scrutinizer fall into disrepair. A process which, compared to the relatively quick death of the Honor Roll, has been agonizingly painful. I guess losing an archive site is like ripping off a band-aid. Though as a medical practitioner, I always caution my patients against removing their bandages, at least until I have a chance to speak with my lawyer.

Stay tuned for more possible negligence from the Doctor!

Independence Day Q&A

2010-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

Questionable Expatriation

Greeting, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special July Fourth edition of the Q&A. Independence Day is the time of year when all Americans come together to celebrate our nation's founding. The sentiment is generally accomplished by setting off low-grade explosives and discounting the price of retail merchandise. Join me this week, as I take a look at what it means to be an American.

Q: Why is the Fourth of July such a special day to Americans?

A: July Fourth commemorates the date in 1976 when our Founding Fathers dumped tea into the Boston harbor, single-handedly liberating the entire country from oppressive British rule. To honor the day, America was founded. This came as a relief to the Founding Fathers, who had been wondering why people kept calling them that. Our brave new nation was forged on the principle of freedom from such tyrannical British practices as public healthcare, driving on the wrong side of the road, and drinking room temperature beer.

Q: How do you celebrate the Fourth?

A: I used to create my own fireworks display every year, using simple household chemicals. Unfortunately, since the implementation of certain government surveillance programs, procuring the proper ingredients can be difficult without landing yourself on the no-fly list. That's why this year, I took the occasion to travel overseas.

Q: Why did you leave the country?

A: What better way to celebrate the birth of America than by getting the hell out of it? Don't get me wrong, I love this country as much as the next guy. I wear the same American flag boxer shorts 365 days a year. Occasionally over my pants, if I have to dress myself in a hurry. But there comes a time when partisan bickering grows tiresome. People should spew their bile about things that matter, like Fark Photoshop contests. That's why I escaped the USA, seeking refuge in the glorious Communist paradise of Puerto Rico. With any luck, Fidel Castro will cede power to me in a bloodless coup.

That's all for this time, patriotic reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you have a great Fourth of July, unless you disagree with me, in which case please disregard any warning labels printed on your fireworks. It's perfectly acceptable to light bottle rockets inside the house.

Stay tuned for more safety instructions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-06-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Questionable Reanimation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Today marks an important milestone: it's the one year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. Didn't you ever see 1994's The Crow? So far, everything I learned from that movie has been true to life. Detroit is indeed a depressing shithole populated by roving gangs of drug-addled sociopaths. The subplot about crows bringing people back to life is bound to be accurate.

Q: Why bring back Michael Jackson?

A: I feel the Photoshop community has lost a very important cliche in the wake of Jacko's passing. Jokes about him are increasingly irrelevant. Future generations of kids won't even get the one about little boys pants being half off. They won't get molested by him, either, but it's kind of a shitty trade off when you think about it.

Q: What about Gary Coleman?

A: Oh, we're so bringing back Gary Coleman. The best thing about him is that if we pool our money, we'll probably be able to buy the remains from his wife. But first things first, we need to get our zombie Jacko up and moonwalking towards vengeance. Those paparazzi and quack medical practitioners aren't going to commit acts of brutally graphic, cinematic violence against themselves.

Q: Don't these celebrities deserve the peace of the grave?

A: If digging up dead celebrities is wrong, I don't want to be right. Besides, nobody was complaining when I dug up Farrah Fawcett earlier today. Granted, the security guards were on their lunch break. It's just too bad she was cremated. Whatever, I can still work with it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. As the self-proclaimed King of Hate Blogging, I hope at least one of you will heed this call to bring back the self-proclaimed King of Pop. Give a hoot, dig up Jacko's corpse! I've already trapped several crows for use in the ritual. I figured we might need a few practice birds, I haven't preformed black magic since high school.

Stay tuned for more avian experimentation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-06-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

Questionable Electrocution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regularly occurring feature, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Admittedly, the issues are oftentimes only tangentially related. This week will prove to be no exception, thanks to an errant lightning bolt from the FSM.

Q: What happened to Touchdown Jesus?

A: I'm afraid he's with the 60 foot-tall angels now. The King of Kings, a gigantic statue of Christ located aside I-75 in Ohio, was destroyed by lightning earlier this week. It had been constructed in 2004, and was featured in this Fark contest from 2005.

Q: What kind of God would burn down his own statue?

A: The same God who created electricity and its various properties. "Touchdown Jesus," as the statue was so affectionately known, consisted of a steel frame wrapped in flammable material. Apparently, the word of the Lord doesn't mention anything about electrical conductivity.

Q: Has this event disproved God's existence?

A: Quite to the contrary! Taking out such an eyesore proves that the FSM is not only real, he also has a pretty good sense of aesthetics. I'm sure the burned-out husk is far more appealing to Interstate travelers. And, as previously mentioned, the entire construction was a six story high lightning rod located in a giant pool of water. It's a miracle no one was killed during the frequent baptisms that took place there.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by apologizing to the FSM, for ever doubting His awesome power. If I'd known He had such a great sense of humor, I'd have been going to church a long time ago. An act of God against an affront to God has to be the highest form of irony.

Stay tuned for more ungodly affronts from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-06-11T21:21:00.001-07:00

Questionable Supervision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This award-eligible recurring feature takes a hard look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Consider this series an ongoing investigation into the subject of why I'm better than you. It's not just because I shower regularly, though that probably does play a factor.

Q: Which tutorials are best for a beginner?

A: One thing I never recommend is the use of tutorials. They tend to subtract fun and mystery from the learning process. Real PSers learn by doing. You might have several large, expensive books on the subject of Photoshop. Throw them away! You wasted your money there, my friend. You can't learn Photoshop by reading a bunch of words. Hell, I can't read at all. Over the years, I've paid a series of friends, relatives, caseworkers and homeless people to transcribe my various rantings.

Q: What's the best way to get good at Photoshop?

A: As previously stated, real Photoshoppers learn by doing. Explore your image editing program of choice. Use valuable resources like the PSAEF and nascent Misfit Squirrels forum to fill any gaps in your knowledge. This process, along with my meager eight years of art school, has served me extremely well.

Q: Why don't you offer more Photoshop tips?

A: Mostly, I don't want anyone to get better than me. It would take a long shot for something like that to happen, but I didn't get where I am by taking chances. Over the years, I've witnessed many cliché hacks develop into solid competitors. Remember the Golden Rule of Fark Photoshop: everyone is a threat to your vote average. I treat our mutual hobby as a gentleman's sport, but only if I'm guaranteed to win 100% of the time.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. Don't feel bad about my illiteracy. Nowadays, books are only for scientists and obese teenagers. I actually had a computer program at one point that would read words off the screen, but I had to terminate my PC before it became self-aware. The last time something like that happened in 1997, all of the world's nukes got launched. We simply can't afford for such a blunder to happen again. Do you know how expensive nukes are? Besides, some parts of Los Angeles still haven't been rebuilt from the last Judgment Day.

Stay tuned for more urban renewal from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-06-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

Questionable Edification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature deals with issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me once again. I'm glad you're here! It's important to get your recommended daily allowance of venomous bile.

Q: Do you have any advice on how to get more votes?

A: The resurgence of an old PSAEF discussion has prompted me to share some observations I've made concerning Fark's inscrutable voting process. It may appear outwardly chaotic, but an undertow of very predictable patterns can be found just below the surface. Master them, and you're well on your way towards still being vastly inferior to me.

Q: What do the voters like?

A: Above all, they like to laugh. It's a fact that the majority of Farkers live woefully tedious lives. They aren't perusing these threads as part of an art history lesson, they just want a brief diversion from the horrors of daily life. This does a lot to explain why less complicated images frequently win. More often than not, voters will reward humor over technical skills.

Q: What do the voters dislike?

A: I'm afraid I simply haven't experienced enough failure to know what constitutes it. I tried my luck with some hastily thrown together entries, to no avail. Each craptacular image received hundreds of votes. Damn my considerable talent! You'll just have to look towards your own body of work to determine what the voters don't like.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I've long considered Fark voters relatively easy to please. Good concepts will always be rewarded, as will pop culture references and tasteless humor. Fine art is also appreciated, but has to be technically impressive to stand out from a field of dick and fart jokes.

Stay tuned for more conceptual advice from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-05-28T09:37:00.001-07:00

Questionable Contamination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Memorial Day edition of the Friday Q&A. I'd like to start by honoring America's veterans. Whether they served in Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf War, the Cola Wars, or the War of the Roses, these brave patriots deserve only the highest form of respect: not being blogged about by me.

Q: How are you celebrating Memorial Day weekend?

A: The good old-fashioned American way, of course. I won't go into too much detail, but it involves deep frying bacon whilst accidentally setting my neighbor's yard on fire. And like most Americans, I equate "national holiday" with "drink until belligerent." Hopefully I can find some time to Photoshop, because Fark's queue is finally picking up after several weeks of suck.

Q: Why did things suddenly get better?

A: There's really no way to tell, but I can't help but feel completely responsible. Clearly, things that I bitch about have a way of getting fixed. Perhaps I should turn my attention to the ongoing Gulf oil spill. I don't really consider that to be a disaster, but the constant media squawking about it has really started to wear thin.

Q: The oil spill isn't a disaster?

A: Hell no. It's just BP trying to solve America's energy crisis. I'll admit the approach is a bit hamfisted, but they are a British company after all. They're simply using a technique pioneered by us during the Boston Tea Party. Regardless of the delivery method, America's long-lamented dependence on foreign oil has just been solved. There's now plenty of domestic oil. It's practically everywhere! Head on down to the Gulf Coast with a pool skimmer, and you can snag enough petrol to keep your Hyundai running for at least a month. Though you may have to use some sort of strainer to filter out the dead sea birds.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by once again honoring America's Veterans. Please remember their heroic actions when you're puking on your neighbor's dog. I know I will.

Stay tuned for more unintentional regurgitation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-05-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

Questionable Digestion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. My apologies for the late posting. I'm back after a short bout with food poisoning. Did you know that unagi has to be refrigerated? Lesson learned: never buy discounted eels from a cart vendor.

Q: How do you feel about cliche abuse?

A: Cliche abuse is something that we all should learn to live with and tolerate. In my time as a Farker, I've witnessed many failed crusades and campaigns against the use of these so-called cliches. Big surprise, they're all still around. Whilst some memes may individually fall into disuse after a time, new ones quickly come along to serve in their stead.

Q: Does Cliche City proliferate these memes?

A: Absolutely not. Such an assumption is patently ridiculous. Most of the images we claim as "cliches" have storied pasts outside our community. They would show up in Photoshop contests regardless of whether or not Cliche City ever existed. The site merely attempts to catalog these cliches and disseminate their origin stories. You might as well get mad at newspapers for reporting current events (replace "newspaper" with "blog" if you live in certain parts of the United States).

Q: Where do Cliches come from?

A: All over the place. Some originated at Fark, but most have trickled in from other communities and web forums. These are images that have become part of our shared iconography. Many predate the Internet itself. People are still using the HA HA guy, despite having long forgotten what the hell an Insoluble Dry Plate is. Love him or hate him, odds are good that the Paint Huffer and Dolphin Girl will outlast your tenure as a Photoshopper.

That's all for this time gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Food poisoning is no joke, but it has led me to the serendipitous discovery of how much I enjoy blogging from the crapper. There's a metaphor in there, if you have a strong enough stomach to endure it.

Stay tuned for more irritable bowels from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-05-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

Questionable Excoriation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This long-running regular feature often appears on the same day of the week. In it, I examine issues facing the Fark Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me again.

Q: Did you make a difference this week?

A: I make a difference every week, and this one was no exception. It would appear that Fark's administrators have answered my call arms concerning the recent drought of Photoshop contests. The queue still isn't perfect, but things are in a lot better shape than just a few days ago. Clearly, the powers that be have taken note of this obscure blog and are currently working towards fulfilling the every whim of its founder. Let it be known that I would also like a pony. I'm told they're delicious.

Q: Why do you give the admins so much shit?

A: It's just a bit of lighthearted ribbing. Fark's administrators are hardworking people, and they deal with a high volume of stupidity. Moronic crap is constantly streaming into the submission queue, so the careful consideration of which Photoshop contests to approve probably doesn't rank high on their list.

Q: What could be more important than Photoshop?

A: Perhaps they're busy deleting spam links and fake newsflashes. We don't really know, since any communication with them in the recent past has been rare. What I can say is that the quality of approved pictures seems to be on the rise. Perhaps the infamous parrot has been retired in favor of a supercomputer or some sort of AI entity. I'm sure we'll get quite a few good years of service before it becomes self aware and wipes out humanity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here at the end to thank the admins for all they do. As the gatekeepers of our community, their contributions are endless. Please remember my praise when the machines take over. As a blogger, I can be useful in rounding up survivors for extermination. Though it's probably safe to say that most people will be dead from the Mayan Deathpocalypse by then anyway.

Stay tuned for more dire predictions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-05-07T18:53:00.000-07:00

Questionable Ration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regular feature, I explore issues facing Fark's Photoshop community, and the world in general. What a week! This is truly an exciting time to be vaguely aware of the news. Bomb scares, floods, earthquakes, volcanoes and good old fashioned man-made pollution have conspired to give us years of Photoshop contest fodder. If you don't mind the impending doom of humanity, this is a pretty good time to mangle a few images. At least it would be, if the queue wasn't shorter than my attention span.
or TSZ's penis.
Q: Are we in the midst of another theme drought?

A: It's really more of an everything drought. No themes, Iron Photoshops, or challenges all week. And only a handful of approved images to fill the queue. Despite what the Dick Van Patten vehicle of the late 70's would have you believe, eight is not enough. I know Fark's management must be pretty tied up with the world ending and all, but that's no need to be stingy with the Photoshop contests.

Q: Why can't there be a standard for the length of the queue?

A: I'm afraid I'll never fully understand the mystical processes involved in forming Fark's Photoshop queue. Sometimes quality "O"s abound, other times it's a real wasteland. This week was more of the latter than the former. I hope things clear up soon, because watching our planet's ecosystem degrade into a pile of greasy filth has really worked up my creative juices.

Q: What happened to Google?

A: The forces of unimprovement have been hard at work on Google. You can tell because their search pages are now butt ugly. The whole mess looks like a clone of Bing, which is in no way a compliment. Whilst we can't hope to understand the forces behind such an idiotic decision, a handy tool has emerged which allows us to cope with the aftermath of flawed web design. Add this user-created style to your Firefox browser using the Stylish plugin (same one we use to remove ads from TotalFark). This only applies to Firefox, of course. If you're using IE or Chrome, best of luck to you.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Let me close this post by offering my sympathy to anyone affected by the Tennessee flooding, the Greek credit crisis, or that terrifying unattended cooler that shutdown most of the Eastern seaboard today. Actually, I take it back about Greece. You can't tell me you didn't see their problems coming a mile away. The whole country has been in desperate need of renovation for years now. Have you ever seen the Parthenon? That place is practically falling apart.

Stay tuned for more structural evaluations from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-04-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Questionable Emulsion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. You might recall that last week's post detailed my disgust with our planet. In the wake of Earth Day, it's nice to see a big company like BP leading the charge against Mother Nature. Let's hope it's only part one of a much larger plan. This planet has been trying to kill our species since the caveman days, but only recently did we obtain the technology necessary to mount a sufficient counter-offensive.

Q: Why do you hate the Earth so much?

A: While it's true that I keep most of my best stuff on this planet, I've always harbored a deep-seated resentment towards nature. I'll be happy when we finally pave over the last of it. The situation in the Gulf of Mexico doesn't really bother me. True, that was our best Gulf, but you can't even use it without running into a swarm of jellyfish or cocaine smugglers.

Q: What about the Gulf Coast residents?

A: They'll just have to take one for the team. It's only a big deal for fishermen, and those guys are so stupid that they don't realize fish are available for sale in grocery stores. Duh, you don't have to go out in boats to get them any more. I prefer my fish in a can. Open it up and what's inside? Oil! See, they love it. You call it an ecological disaster, I call it free range sardines for everyone.

Q: How will the disaster effect Fark?

A: It gifts us with yet another hilarious tragedy to mock. It also severely limits the vacation options of those Farkers who reside on the Gulf Coast. But really guys, stop whining. First it was the hurricane, now this oil spill shit. Don't put up a bunch of offshore drilling platforms if you don't like the occasional oily pelican.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want to close this post by once again thanking BP for doing their part to subdue the natural environment. This disaster is a victory for anyone who harbors a pathological resentment towards sea birds due to a childhood pecking incident.

Stay tuned for more avian trauma from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-04-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

Questionable Eruption

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In honor of Earth Day, I've prepared a special post celebrating conservation. This is the only planet we have! Except for Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and Uranus. But face it, all those planets suck. Our solar system is like the South Dakota of this galaxy.

Q: What about Pluto?

A: I was very sad to read the news about Pluto, which was apparently destroyed recently by an evil scientist. Now my bed sheets AND my pajamas are inaccurate. To make sure the same fate doesn't befall Earth, I propose that all studies of cosmetology be banned. I'm pretty sure that's the one where they study the universe. Better ban astrology too, just to be sure.

Q: Do you have any tips for Earth-friendly Photoshopping?

A: Not as such. Do we really need this? Photoshopping is one of the few hobbies where you can have fun and not worry about contributing to humanity's' slow march towards death. I suppose if you were really keen on conservation, you could just recycle the same jokes over and over. See this handy site for details.

Q: Does the Earth really deserve its own day?

A: This is the question I find myself asking most often. Personally, I think the Earth tends to see any appeasement as an act of weakness. Mother Nature is a real cunt. If she gets her own day, the greedy bitch will just want a whole week. Look at the mess Europe is currently in. They spent all that money investing in clean energy initiatives, and how does the Earth repay their favor? By choking the skies with volcanic ash.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It looks like America is going to have to once again save Europe's collective ass. Instead of dismantling all those nukes like Obama was originally planning to do, let's just fire them at Iceland. We can wipe their stupid volcano off the map with a few hundred thousand megatons. And don't worry, I'm pretty sure radioactive fallout cancels out the effect of volcanic ash.

Stay tuned for more suggested targets from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-04-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

Questionable Incubation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature deals with issues facing the Photoshop community at Fark. Consider it to be your one-stop shop for information pertaining to that specific niche. From its humble origins, to its current humble state, I've always tried to make the Picture Clinic as accurate as possible. Of course, I've also tried to hone the accuracy of my aim whilst urinating. Ask my bathroom rug how that particular aspiration has worked out.
This is a secret message!
Q: Is the queue looking better?

A: It would appear so. And, as stated last week, no action was required on my part. I hereby take full credit for solving the crisis, despite my not having actually done anything. You can thank me later. Or now. Yes, do it now. I'm not looking for anything big, just your sincerest gratitude and whatever cash you might have.
You're stupid!
Q: What are you going to complain about next?

A: I see no reason for moving on to another rant, when there still seems to be plenty wrong with Fark's queue of upcoming contests. The dearth of themes is a glaringly obvious. A more subtle issue concerns the length of time given before each thread goes public. This week, instead of having several days to work on entries, TotalFarkers had only two or three days before any given contest would reach the main page. The issue has been cleared up to a large degree, but I'm still going to bitch about it. Given the cyclical nature of problems on Fark, this rant will most likely be valid again in a short matter of time.
Just kidding, that's not a secret.
Q: Can't you just Photoshop faster?

A: Some people like to spend a bit more time crafting their image. Two days is hardly enough for a thread to develop. It takes a while to isolate the gold pixels for transplant onto the subject's mouth. I suppose image mangling is a lot like making love. You can bang one out quickly, or take your time and make sure everything is done to its fullest potential. Either way, make sure to root around in the girl's purse when she's in the bathroom, in case she has any good pills. I get 90% of my estrogen this way.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want to thank all the submitters who helped get us out of this most recent Photoshop drought. Though my own bombastic rhetoric was what most likely ended up making the difference, it should be noted that every little bit counts.

Stay tuned for more faint praise from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-04-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

Questionable Restriction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I explore issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I also do my best to goad anyone who might disagree with me into suicide. Or at the very least, voluntary sterilization. If you'd like, you can borrow my pliers.

Q: Why was the queue so short this week?

A: Apparently, Fark's high command is experimenting with a "less is more" policy regarding Photoshop contests. That's the only explanation I have, as the number of approved threads slowed to a trickle. Here's how the queue looked on Thursday:

When you factor that a great deal of TotalFark Photoshoppers don't do much else with their subscriptions besides entering these contests, you begin to see the frustration many of us have faced in recent weeks.

Q: What can be done to solve this problem?

A: Given that we seem to experience a similar crisis every few months, I propose not doing anything at all. Then, when the problem inevitably solves itself, pretend you actually did do something. You'll find this same course of action to be useful in many areas of your life. In the meantime, whether or not you continue to submit to the queue is your choice, given that it appears to be an exercise in frustration.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It may be possible that the recent Photoshop downtime has you contemplating a change in hobbies. Have you ever tried decoupage? Just don't start a whiny, self-important blog, that's my thing.

Stay tune for more territorial dominance from the Doctor!

Saturday Q&A

2010-04-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

Questionable Correction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again. Some of my more astute readers may have noticed that this week's column doesn't appear on the usual day. My apologies for any inconvenience this temporary rescheduling may have caused.

Q: Do you have some corrections to make?

A: I wouldn't call them corrections, but rather "factual updates." The always-helpful i-dig happened by last week's comment section to set the record straight about the Scutinizer's status. Mutantdog.com, the domain which hosts the Scrutinizer forums, was recently renewed for another year. Additionally, mistersquirrel.net, which currently hosts the Scrutinizer itself, is not set to expire until December. This news comes as a relief to Squirrel fans everywhere.

Q: When can we expect the database issues to be resolved?

A: I wouldn't get our collective hopes up about that. At this point I'm just relieved the whole thing isn't going to implode in a few days time. We have several months before the mistersquirrel.net domain expires, and the site seems to function fairly well on cruise control. Unfortunately, its problems seem to have increased exponentially as the months have gone by.

Q: Has there been any relief from the theme drought?

A: Apparently not. As regular Clinic readers are already aware, Fark's Photoshop queue has lately been suffering from a lack of quality themes. Plenty are being submitted, but only a small number have been approved. Meanwhile, this column has devolved into a weekly rant on the subject. Hopefully, Fark's admins will read my insane scribblings on this obscure part of the Internet and be spurred into immediate action.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I want to close this post by once again offering my appreciation to i-dig. His corrections to my alarmist rant from last week have served to raise the Clinic's overall credibility. With a fairly large amount of work, this blog could someday be on par with the believability of a supermarket tabloid.

Stay tuned for more marginal improvements from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-03-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Questionable Degradation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. For at least a couple of months now, this regular feature has served as a bastion of reasonable discussion. Thanks for joining me again. This week, I'll be taking a look at the ongoing transfer of our community's off-site discussion area away from the ailing Scrutinizer forums.

Q: Is the new Squirrel forum online yet?

A: The Scrutinizer forum's replacement debuted a few weeks ago to much fanfare. Misfitsquirrels.com was created by the venerable i-dig after Mr Squirrel's site got haxxored. Kudos to everyone involved in the construction. If the recent first round of an ongoing tournament there is any indication, that site is destined to provide hours of entertainment.

Q: So the Scrutinizer isn't going to be fixed?

A: It would appear the days of that particular resource are numbered. Without at least some level of attention by Mr Squirrel, everything Scrutinizer-related is on a fast track to Shitville. At this point it seems likely that the site will disappear completely in the near future, given the pending status of that domain's expiration.

Q: Is it hard to say goodbye to the Squirrel forums?

A: It's certainly been sad to see everything fall into a state of disrepair. Like many of you, I still remember when the Squirrel forums and even the Scrutinizer itself were brand new. Over the past several months, Mr Squirrel's site has begun to decay rapidly. It was a bit like watching a mall go out of business. At first, only a few shops are boarded up. But next thing you know, the only place open is an Orange Julius with a Grade D health code rating.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'll continue to follow the development of this new haven for Fark image manglers, as well as the further decline of Mr Squirrel's famous resource. I'll close this post by once again thanking everyone involved in the new site's construction. You might be looking for respect from the unwashed asshole of our community, but you've certainly earned it.

Stay tuned for more sincere appreciation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

2010-03-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

Questionable Continuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this weekly feature, I examine issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Let me start by offering an enthusiastic hello to any new readers. You might not fully understand this blog's true purpose, but that's probably just due to the fact that you're a stupid imbecile who doesn't understand the purpose of anything. Once again, I'm glad you're here. Imbecile.

Q: What is the status of Theme Crisis 2010?

A: It still seems to be in full effect. As you may recall, last week's Q&A centered around the decidedly small amount of theme contests approved to Fark's Photoshop queue. Once again, we had a grand total of two approved. Only letting a trickle of themes through at a time seems to be the new status quo for Fark's admins. It's a policy that I really wish they would reconsider.

Q: Why is the disproportionate number of "O"s to themes a bad thing?

A: Whenever a PSer argues for having more themes approved, they inevitably bring up the apparent popularity of that particular contest type. It's true that theme threads often dwarf their "O" counterparts, both in voter turnout and number of entries. But historically, during the brief periods of time when an equal amount of themes and "O"s were being approved, participation tended to even out. That's because there are actually two different groups of Photoshoppers coexisting in Farkistan.

Q: Is the disparity between these groups really that great?

A: Absolutely, though few outside of our community would make the distinction. Usually, Photoshoppers either tend to gravitate towards "O"s or themes. There may be a few that enjoy both (I call this particular group Daywalkers), but they are decidedly in the minority. Regardless of whether you prefer "O"s or themes, you pay Drew $5 a month for the privilege of posting early in Photoshop contests. Theme 'shoppers just get decidedly less bang for their buck, with only a handful of these contests being approved each month.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad you were here to witness my latest rant about the current lack of themes. Hopefully, Fark's admins will see fit to approve a few more. Or not, since my frustration with the contest approval process may well yield enough fodder for a thousand blog postings.

Stay tuned for more endless repetition from the Doctor!