New Year's Q&A

Questionable Evolution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the last Clinic post of the year. I sure picked a hell of a week to go on vacation. I returned to discover Fark management had instituted a change in the voting procedure. Entries can now be judged on two purportedly different criteria: "best" and "funniest".

Q: How were the new changes received?

A: A quick straw poll of the PSAEF saw the new system being almost universally panned. What can I say, Photoshoppers don't like change. I changed my underwear once, and it was awful. When it comes to deviating from a system that has worked perfectly well since forever, the general response among PSers was something akin to this:



Q: Is the concern warranted?

A: I tend to think so. There have always been two camps among Photoshoppers, call them the "skills" set and the "silly" set. For as long as anyone can remember, the two groups have openly argued about the essence of Fark Photoshop. Should humor prevail, or should a well-made entry win the day in votes? This new change is an obvious kowtow to both camps, whilst simultaneously doing each of them a disservice.

Q: How are both sides poorly served by this new system?

A: I tend to think of Fark contests like what the Academy Awards would be like, if whatever current weepy Oscar-bait had to compete against a Youtube clip of a guy getting hit in the nuts. The Oscar-bait had to be that much better than the nut shot was funny, if it wanted to win. Now the serious and funny pics are no longer in contention with each other. It may seem like apples an oranges to some of you, but I believe the two sides drove each other more than we actually realize.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. We'll just have to wait and see how the new system works out. Maybe the powers the be will see reason, and mercifully return us to the old way of voting. Maybe not. I'll continue to follow how the situation evolves. Thanks again for stopping by, and happy new year to you. I hope the Photoshop Gods (or God if you're a Photoshop monotheist) smile upon you in 2012.

Stay tuned for more blasphemous blessings from the Doctor!

Yuletide Q&A

Questionable Cancellation

Greetings, crickets and elves. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of the Q&A. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. I'm on vacation this week and won't be taking any questions. I hope this season finds you with all the warmth and joy you so richly deserve. Join me next week for my final post of 2011.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Legislation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues pertaining the the world of Fark Photoshop. As we wind down to the end of the year, we arrive at the time when American lawmakers try to push through draconian legislation in the hopes everyone is too drunk on eggnog to notice. This year, they're proffering a particularly shitty bill called SOPA, the Stop Online Piracy Act.

Q: What does this proposed measure do?

A: As is my understanding, SOPA would give the copyright gestapo carte blanche to kick your door in and drag you off to jail in the dead of the night, after shooting your dog because it barked at them. If you do not own a dog, one will be provided for you and shot at your expense. All this because a Prince song could heard playing in the background of a Youtube video you uploaded.

Q: How will SOPA effect Photoshopping?

A: Given that some jerkoff can claim ownership of every single image on the Internet, I'd say it's bound to effect us eventually. Look at the trouble Grampy got into with the owner of the Fark Squirrel. Now imagine that multiplied by a thousand, with each of us facing real prison time for each offense.

Q: How can we stop SOPA?

A: It's sad to say, but we probably can't. There are powerful forces at work trying to push this through, the same forces who have bought our congressmen and corrupted the system with their influence. My advice is to get the hell out of America before it completely transforms into a fascist police state of corporate rule. Don't bother trying Canada, it's just destined to become a fascist police state that smells like maple syrup. Mexico seems tempting, but it's gotten awful murder-y lately with all those drug cartels. In truth, most of the world is either too squalid, or poised to enact similar freedom-crushing legislation. I'll report back with more suitable potential escape locations as I uncover them.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want you to know that I intend to keep Cliche City going, despite this threatening legislation. It's an important resource for our community, and I'll be damned if I let some bureaucrats take it offline. Should it ever disappear, check this blog for details on how to find it.

Stay tuned for more civil disobedience from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Ingratiation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. The holiday season is once again upon us, and you're no doubt scrambling to get on Santa's good list after a year of evil deeds and fuckery. It's something I've become quite adept at in my lifetime. Luckily, I'm more than happy to share a few techniques to help gloss over your own misdeeds.

Q: How did you know about my misdeeds?

A: I'm a blogger, it's my job to know these things. And also to blog, but thankfully that part doesn't come up nearly as much as the fun stuff like watching people through telescopes and combing through their garbage. The trash from an average household contains a wealth of information and potentially even some coffee filters with a few uses left.

Q: How can I smooth things over with Santa?

A: This is a tough one. Santa isn't like God, where you can casually disregard the rules as long as you say you're sorry at some point. Santa doesn't understand prayers and platitudes. He only speaks two languages: milk and cookies. The ratio is 3 ounces of milk and one gram of cookie for each misdeed. And don't try to fake him out with some store bought crap. Those better be homemade cookies and whole milk, none of that low fat or 2% shit.

Q: What if I'm not Christian?

A: Boy, are you in trouble. Don't let Santa find out. I've never understood the purpose of religions that don't turn the celebration of their savior's birth into a chintzy commercialized festival of gluttony. What's the point? All that time spent praying could better used for standing in front of big box electronics stores in hopes of getting a cheap TV. If you picked one of the boring non-gift regions, you're on your own.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, you'll find a way to get on Santa's good side. And don't worry. There's still several more days left to be bad before you'll need to seriously think about seeing the error of your ways.

Stay tuned for more delayed absolution from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Incantation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A, your source for all the hearsay and conjecture that's fit to print. Like a lot of bloggers, I long ago realized that the truth is what I make it. But unlike a lot of bloggers, I know you're not interested in whether or not I cut the crust off my peanut butter sandwiches (yes), or what my position on government is (burn it). So I try to stay on target as much as possible without getting bogged down with a bunch of talk about my day (it was lovely, thanks for asking).

Q: How can I win at Photoshop?

A: Throughout the years, many have sought to give themselves a competitive edge in Fark.com's Photoshop contests. What some might call "practice" and "effort", I call blatant cheating. If one person actually spends time working on their entry, then we'll all have to start doing it. Thankfully, these busybodies are rarely rewarded for their actions. They are usually the ones you see crying over their hard work going ignored.

Q: Doesn't practice breed perfection?

A: Indeed it does, but perfection does not necessarily guarantee success, especially in the shoot from the hip world of Fark Photoshop. There, it's not so much about dazzling the voters with your skills, it's more about creating a connection with them. This is why references to cliches do so well. People say "I remember that" and vote for it. Not a glamorous path to victory, but Fark contests are one of the few places where the ends justify the means. Or in this case, the memes.

Q: How can I shed unwanted perfection?

A: This is the hard part. I suggest lots of rot-gut liquor to calm your nerves. If you're still having problems, your best bet is going to be some kind of voodoo and/or hoodoo. The Black Arts are not usually used for self-sabotage, but it should work in a pinch. You don't have to sacrifice a chicken, but keep in mind that there are plenty of image manglers unafraid to spill some blood, especially if it gives them a better chance of attaining a brief moment of recognition in a Fark contest.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this quick primer on how to possibly gain a slight edge at Photoshop, whilst simultaneously losing all self-respect, which I think we can agree is a creative barrier that simply must be knocked down. Possibly by calling upon cheap spirits or dark forces who could potentially devour your immortal soul. Assuming such things actually exist.

Stay tuned for more arcane superstition from the Doctor!