Friday Q&A

Questionable Dissension

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. You and I might not always agree, but that's just because you're wrong and stupid. Don't try to fathom my brilliance. It is as vast and deep as my modesty.

Q: Is the new voting system still farked?

A: The multi-vote system of "best" and "funniest" for Photoshop contests doesn't look like it's going to change back any time soon. The recent change, which was put into effect without discussion and with little warning, is wildly unpopular in the community. Usually with this kind of thing, you see people take sides against each other and argue, but Drew's apologists are nowhere to be found this time.

Q: Why do you hate the voting change?

A: Because no matter which one you win, you lose the other. Somebody votes you best, and you go away wondering how you could have been funnier. Someone votes you funniest, and then you have to wonder what it was you did to keep from being best. The only solution is to vote for both, and that defeats the purpose.

Q: What can be done to fix this?

A: Very little at this point. Plenty of Farkers have stated their case plainly and with civility, and they have gotten nowhere. Farkbacks and forum appeals seem to be off the table. If you have an occasion to meet Drew in person, please don't hesitate to bring the issue up. I would genuinely like to know why he is so dead set on keeping the new system, especially in light of the fact that the comment voting outside of the contests seems to be even more unpopular as a feature.

That's all for this time, Gentle Reader. Thanks for stopping by. Regardless of Drew's reason for keeping this new system, it sucks ass. He should be reminded of this fact at every opportunity. Did you know that split voting killed my father, and raped my mother? Neither did I, but the fact remains that it is a scourge on our community, and I'm not using a speck of hyperbole when I say it is the worst thing to happen to anyone, ever.

Stay tuned for more subtle understatement from the Doctor!

President's Day Q&A

Questionable Nation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special President's Day weekend edition of the Q&A. Four score and seven years ago, our four fathers spewed forth the contents of a new nation. One where all white landowning males were created equal. To honor these brave men, our government decided to mash all their birthdays together and use the resulting holiday as an excuse for furniture store discounts.

Q: Isn't combining people's birthdays kind of disrespectful?

A: Offices do it all the time. What is America if not a gigantic workplace? Though it is ironically quite difficult to find a job at times. Shamefully bastardizing the birthdays of key historical figures is a great way to teach kids that dead people cannot fight back. Good thing, too. Grave robbing is one of the last industries left in many parts of the country.

Q: What would George Washington think of the new Fark voting system?

A: I think he would at first be mystified at the strange type on the screen of the magical humming box. Then he would probably question why it's called a contest if there isn't a clear winner. Think about what this country would be like if Washington had settled for being "funniest" at the Battle of Guadalcanal. We'd still be sipping tea instead of coffee, and not disregarding the results of soccer matches. Which we would call "scones".

Q: What could Lincoln teach Drew about leadership?

A: Lincoln knew the value of keeping our nation together. It was important enough to send over a million people to their graves. And not to in any way cheapen that sacrifice, but I see direct parallels between our voting crisis and the Civil War. Except there are way, way fewer people fighting for the Confederacy in this analogy. Like, if the Confederacy was just two or three guys. Only Jefferson Davis Hogg and Stoneballs Jackson, if you will. Also they have automatic weapons and air support, and we only have rocks and larger rocks.

That's all for this time, good American. Thanks for stopping by. If you want to learn more about the Civil War, you can sometimes get good information from strangers at the bus station. You also might have a library in your area. Get there before the homeless burn all the books for warmth.

Stay tuned for more literary combustion from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Recalibration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing the Photoshoppers of Fark.com. Occasionally, those issues even have to do with Photoshop. It doesn't happen often, but such was the case when I broke the story of Best vs Funny. The much ballyhooed new voting system was implemented last month, amid many more jeers than cheers. Let's take a look at all the good it's done for us, shall we?

Q: Which is more important, Best or Funny?

A: I could go on here about the importance of laughter and making people smile, but it doesn't really matter. Skill is clearly more important, now that the Leaderboard is tossing out all votes for "Funniest" and counting only "Best." As a comment from i-dig a couple weeks back will explain, the Leaderboard had previously been counting both "Best" and "Funniest" and adding them up to get a completely different list of winners than you would see in the actual Fark thread. After petitioning the Powers that Be for a redress of this issue, i-dig explained that the Leaderboard now unfortunately only counts Best votes. 100, or even 1000 Funny votes do not equal even one Best vote.

Q: Is Fark a serious Photoshopping site now?

A: On the surface it would appear so, at least for historical purposes. Future generations of PSers will ponder over exactly what this quaint idea of laughter even was. Some sort of involuntary vocal outburst triggered by absurdity? What point did it serve, they will wonder. Why did we make these so-called jokes? Is the element of humor destined to become a vestigial part of the human consciousness?

Q: Aren't Fark contests about making people laugh?

A: They're about making people waste time. Bored people entertaining other bored people, artists competing for scraps of attention from a fickle audience. Whether you make someone pause and admire the brilliance of your work, or the absurdity, the results for the viewer are the same: a few seconds closer to the end of the work day, or diversion from the horrors of family life.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Kudos to Drew for making Fark a serious Photoshopping site for serious Photoshop business. Now the kids can play around and spill juice on the carpet in their Funniest section, and the people who take themselves and their skills very seriously can be safely walled-off in the Best section. Segregation for everyone! This is probably not the best way to end a column during Black History Month. Oh well, fuck it.

Stay tuned for more racial insensitivity from the Doctor!

Gameday Q&A

Questionable Interception

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special Superbowl edition of the Q&A. The teams are ready. The grass on the field glistens with the fresh dew of a new morn, or if it's astroturf, has at least been vacuumed. At this point I am contractually obligated to ask, are you ready for some football?

Q: Are you excited about the big game?

A: I'll admit, I don't normally follow football (or as it's known abroad, American soccer), but you just can't help getting swept up in the excitement over famed quarterback Tim T-bone. I understand he won't be playing for either team, but there's talk of him fighting Madonna to the death during her half time performance for being such a blasphemous slut. The teams that actually are playing have a storied rivalry, and I should probably go Google their names at some point.

Q: Who's your pic for this year's Superbowl champ?

A: Tim Teeball by 100 points. No, 200 points! With God on his side, there's nothing he can't achieve! If there's one thing the Almighty cares about, it's fixing the scores of professional sporting events. That must be why we have so many plagues and disasters in the third world. God is too busy making sure the Broncos cover the spread. He would have been better off picking an easier task, like making a rock so big even he couldn't lift it.

Q: Do you have any tips for the opposing teams?

A: They don't need my help. As previously stated, all professional sporting events are rigged by either God or Satan himself. Since the Patriots are playing, you can assume Satan has this one locked down. Personally, I hope God stays out of it for once. The last thing we need in 2012 is a battle between Good and Evil. At least not so early in the year.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Have an awesome Superbowl Sunday. I'd like to digress for a moment here at the end, so that I can offer my appreciation to i-dig for his tireless work in helping build our community. I'm sorry the powers that be wouldn't listen to reason.

Stay tuned for more sincere gratitude from the Doctor!