Holiday Q&A

Questionable Introduction

Greetings, crickets and elves. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of the Q&A. God rest ye merry gentlemen, peace on Earth and all that garbage. This is shaping up to be quite the Yuletide season. Let me begin this week's post by wishing happy holidays to you all. And not those crappy rip-off holidays like Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. I could make several jokes at their expense, but I'll refrain since it's Christmas.

Q: Are you sad this Christmas?

A: Maybe a little. I just received word the other day that Fark is dead. This is according to one of the most hated members of our community, who actually hasn't posted to the site in years. Obviously he knows what he's talking about, and in no way is he being a ginormous cretin. On an unrelated note, "ginormous" now shows up as an actual word in spell check. My high school English teacher must be spinning in her shallow grave.

Q: Did you get any good gifts this year?

A: I got the best gift a Fark Photoshopper could get. No, it wasn't a Presidential pardon for my many years of abusing copyrighted material. No, it also wasn't TSZ's rotting corpse (that's really more of an Easter gift, given his God complex). This Christmas morning, I awoke to find a bright and shiny new Photoshop monitor under my tree. It's called the Fark Photoshop Contest Leaderboard, or FPC Leaderboard for short. Or FPCL for even shorter. No matter what you call it, the Leaderboard works great. It's the best thing since unsliced bread (which I prefer to sliced).

Q: Who is responsible for creating the new site?

A: According to veteran Photoshopper i-dig, who provides hosting for the FPCL on his Misfit Squirrels site, we have Hobosong to thank for putting it all together. My congratulations to him. Instead of fustigating about the decline of our community like an embittered old codger, he got off his ass and actually did something about it. Future generations of PSers will have him to thank both for the current Leaderboard and its upcoming integrated functionality to the main Fark site.

That's a for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. Unless you're related to TheSniperZERO, in which case please do everyone a favor and slip some laxatives into his mashed potatoes. Given his demeanor, the man has obviously not completed a successful bowel movement since Seinfeld was on the air.

Stay tuned for more dated references from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Commercialization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regularly occurring feature focuses on Fark's Photoshop community. Some of you might not be aware, but Christmas is almost upon us. Maybe you're like me, and have been desperately trying to tune out the holiday season since the day after Halloween, when retailers set out the their chintzy Yuletide decorations. Let incessant bell-ringing from religious panhandlers be the clarion call that throttles you into action.

Q: Why the sense of urgency?

A. Christmas is right around the corner, and you only have a limited amount of time to search out whatever perfect gift will justify for your loved ones having to put up with you on a daily basis. What that item is specifically will depend on the person. You'll find that people love to speak in code. For example, your kids may have been asking for that new video game where you get to rape your opponent's eye sockets. Clearly, this is a desperate cry for some new wool socks. Maybe your aunt Beatrice has been complaining that her feet get cold while she's watching TV. Obviously, she's telling you she needs a subscription to the Jelly of the Month club. If you don't have kids or an aunt Beatrice, good for you. You're off the hook for buying presents this year.

Q: When do you do your shopping?

A: Personally, I don't shop anymore. I see it as a job for my underlings. Of course, not everyone has the option of letting their Ecuadorian maid buy all the Christmas gifts. You might be able to get by with a Guatemalan or Jamaican maid, but be prepared to deal with fuck ups. Please note that regardless of nationality, they will become upset if you fail to reimburse them. Just say they broke a lamp and take it out of their pay.

Q: Have you ever seen a Christmas ghost?

A: I'm glad you asked, because I needed a third question to round out the Q&A. It just so happens that I was once visited by three spirits on Christmas eve. They told me I should change my evil ways, and even suggested that I start paying my employees with actual money. Luckily, this happened during the mid 1980's, and I was able to promptly dispatch the Ghostbusters to the scene. That trio of preachy holiday phantoms were no match for a backpack-mounted particle accelerator.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Regardless of your beliefs, I hope you have a happy holiday season. Whether you gather around the Christmas tree or the Hanukkah bush, here's hoping your family shares the most love money can buy.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Intermission

Greetings, crickets and trolls. I'm sad to report the passing of Laz Long. He was a talented Photoshopper, and a valuable asset to our community. I'm taking the week off, out of respect to my fallen comrade. I offer my humble condolences to his family and friends. He was taken from us far too soon.


I'll return next week with your regularly prescribed dosage of animosity. In the meantime, links to all of Laz's work can be found in the Fark profile Remember Laz Long, which was recently created by Wavion.

Stay tuned for more solemn memorials from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Compilation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to an all-new edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I've been the hate blogger of record for quite some time now. Over the years, I've been called upon to report the latest facts and opinions. Occasionally I even differentiate between the two.

Q: What new resources are being developed for Fark?

A: There have been several sites created to serve our community, but most of them are unfortunately no longer active. A replacement for the Scrutinizer has been in the works for a while, but so far no results have been forthcoming. This week, however, a new type of resource was discovered. You can try it out by clicking here.

Q: How will that site benefit our community?

A: A longstanding problem with Fark has been tied to the fact that image hosting is always handled by a third party. These image hosts have a penchant for being unreliable, which leads to a lot of archived threads filled with broken links. It's gotten so bad that newcomers just have to take veterans at their word when told how much better the Golden Age used to be. By storing all the images in a requested thread, this new site will allow us to effortlessly put future generations in their place.

Q: What limitations does this new resource have?

A: The biggest fault I can see is that every image is pulled from a given thread, including unaltered GIS postings and any NSFW images that haven't been deleted by the mods. The site also doesn't cater exclusively to Photoshop, so we're forced to share space with political trolls and TSA grope threads.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close by expressing my gratitude to the creator of this new resource. There has long been the need for a way to store contest entries independent of the crappy free image hosts that everyone seems to use.

Stay tuned for more sincere appreciation from the Doctor!

Turkey Day Q&A

Questionable Indigestion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special Thanksgiving Q&A. I wanted to start by wishing a happy Thanksgiving to all the children of the world. Then I remembered that only America actually celebrates this holiday. Also I don't like children very much. Regardless, I'm probably glad you're here.

Q: What are you thankful for?

A: Besides my unquestioned moral authority? My witless enemies? Free day-old crullers in the dumpster behind every Dunkin Donuts? There's plenty of reasons for everyone at Fark to give thanks. Recent revelations have suggested that site founder Drew Curtis may have finally awakened to the collective grousing of the PSAEF. A permanent, integrated Scrutinizer replacement is apparently in the works. Thanks to everyone who is helping to bring this exciting new feature to our community.

Q: What was the first Thanksgiving like?

A: My memories from grade school are spotty at best, but I recall that America was founded in 1942 by Columbo. Later on, some pilgrims showed up and built a giant rock shaped like a Plymouth. This pleased the local Indians, who decided to peacefully give up all their land in exchange for $13.67, which was a lot of money back then. To commemorate the occasion, a huge feast was held. Then the Indians got on their motorcycles and headed out west to found some casinos. Also, a lot of them died from cholera.

Q: Why doesn't every country celebrate Thanksgiving?

A: From what I gather, the non-American parts of the world are mostly filled with ramshackle huts and very little indoor plumbing. A holiday based around overeating would be disastrous in such places, as afterward the entire population would proceed to squat in the streets, creating a tidal wave of chunky diarrhea.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close my Thanksgiving post by once again giving thanks to everyone working on our new contest monitor. I'll be glad when the Dark Age of Photshop finally comes to a close, and I sincerely doubt anyone will ever become nostalgic for it.

Stay tuned for more guarded optimism from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Purification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regular feature, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. It's nice of me to join you again. Hopefully you had a great week, unless you disagree with me, in which case I sincerely hope you died. Today's post is all about self-improvement, how futile it is, and why no one should ever try it.

Q: What if every Photoshopper doubled their skills?

A: Many do, but such advancements don't often happen over night. Most of us have to work pretty hard at it. Any change in skill level is incremental, spread over the weeks and months. Except in certain cases, wherein simply learning how to turn the computer on is a monumental first step for the artist.

Q: Why don't we reach a point where everyone is good?

A: I've come to think of Fark as a revolving door. Just as one user learns everything there is to know (and subsequently becomes embittered), there always seems to be a fresh crop of idealistic newcomers just getting started. Our community thrives on this new blood, and part of Fark's appeal is that anyone can compete.

Q: Why do so many veteran PSers become embittered?

A: There are a lot of theories as to what makes a seemingly well-adjusted Farker start complaining about how much better everyone in the community used to be. Maybe they reach a plateau in terms of artistic growth, and the only thing left to do is tear down the work of others. Maybe they feel their awesome skills aren't being properly rewarded. Maybe they're like TheSniperZERO, who never had skills or a decent personality to begin with. Anyone who bitches and moans about the state of our community needs to take a good long look in the mirror. Insults and fake nostalgia only serve to further alienate the current generation of Photoshoppers.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Improving Fark is a noble idea, but any such effort would no doubt be counter-productive. Forcing a division between veterans and newcomers prevents both sides from learning from one another. I'm glad that our community welcomes everyone, regardless of skill. If you want to live in the past and be an embittered dick, please keep it to yourself. The rest of us are trying to have fun.

Stay tuned for more repressed animosity from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Insinuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues relating to the Photoshop community at Fark. You may recall that last week's post dealt with some proposed changes to the voting system. Users may soon be able to vote for an entry as either best, funniest, or crap. This brave new idea has been very popular with TheSniperZERO, but not so much with everyone else. Wow, the former proprietor of TFPTC supports an option to vote for someone else's work as crap. What a shocking revelation! Someone please alert the media whilst I continue with this week's questions.

Q: Why is TheSniperZERO wrong?

A: We don't have nearly enough time here to go into all the various nuances of why TSZ is a hopeless dickhole. Look for my upcoming book on the subject, available in the non-fiction section of your local book store. For the meantime, let's just focus on the issue at hand. Good old TSZ is unfortunately misguided in his support of the pending changes (also known as Proposition BOOOOOO). He thinks the possibility of ending up on the crap list will deter people from posting what he considers to be substandard entries. After all, he tried doing basically the same thing at his blog and look how well that turned out.

Q: Does negativity have a place in Fark contests?

A: Certainly, provided you can channel your negativity into the form of a Photoshop. Fark's moderators have thankfully deleted text-only trolling for as long as I can remember, presumably to keep the contest threads from derailing into flame wars. But soon we may have a new option to let the trolling be done anonymously. You won't know who hates your work, or even specifically why. It's really no surprise to me that TSZ supports this idea. Let's hope its success is equal to that of his thread critiques.

Q: Is there any word on a replacement for the Scrutinizer?

A: There were some recent PSAEF rumblings about a new contest archive site to replace the ailing Scrutinizer. We've been promised such things in the past, so I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up. Estimated time of completion for the project is towards the end of the year, which means we have a bit of waiting to do yet. Still, news that the Dark Age of Photoshop may soon be coming to a close sounds good to me.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Given that TheSniperZERO has come out in support of multi-option voting, I think we safely flush the idea. Besides, the lack of an official response to one of the biggest forum uproars in recent memory indicates that the whole thing may just have been Drew's way of trolling a drunken PSAEFer. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

Stay tuned for more wishful thinking from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Derision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. I'm glad you're here, assuming you aren't some asshole with the audacity to disagree with me. If so, my only request is that you kill yourself in the most painful way possible. Get back to me on that later, but for now let's continue with this week's questions.

Q: Has any more been said about the proposed changes to voting?

A: Last week's post detailed rumors of some brewing changes to the way we Farkers cast our votes. Fark contests, long the bastion of single option voting, may soon see the addition of multiple choices. I featured this rumor in a Q&A from last year, but the addition of an option allowing users to vote for entries as "crap" brings it to the forefront of discussion. No official word has yet been issued to address this wildly unpopular rumor, which drew the ire of pretty much everyone in the PSAEF.

Q: Why is multiple option voting worse than Hitler?

A: Let me just start by saying that a comparison to the Nazis is really unfair. I'd say this is more like a mix of Nazism and New Coke in its ill-conceived awfulness. I sincerely hope such a terrible idea never sees the light of day, because our contests have always been a haven from the trolls that infest Fark.

Q: What if they removed the "crap" option?

A: It's still the worst idea I've heard this year. Voting at Fark is something that doesn't need fixing, despite shrill complaints from some of us when we score poorly. I'll admit that I wasn't completely against the idea at first, but "best" and "funniest" are too vague. Even the addition of scaled (1-5 or 1-10 option) voting would be most unwelcome. There's always some asshole (with sand in his vagina) that will lowvote everything he sees, just to be a dick.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Whilst I try not to put too much faith into half-remembered rumors from hungover forum-goers, these proposed changes could potentially be disastrous to our community. Let's hope it's just something Drew tells Photoshoppers to troll them. Though the lack of an official response could mean we're all about to have a "you'll get over it" moment.

Stay tuned for more irrational panic from the Doctor!

Fright Day Q&A

Questionable Contusion

Greetings, crickets and ghouls. Welcome to a special Halloween edition of the Q&A. I'm cooking up a spooky celebration of the season, so grab your trick or treat bag! Unless you live in my neighborhood, which apparently takes issue with a middle-aged Power Ranger making the rounds. What gives? I was just trying to feed my family.

Q: What's the scariest thing you saw this Halloween?

A: Probably some late-breaking news from the PSAEF. It involved the most terrifying phrase in web design: "big changes are coming." Any former Digg users can tell you, this is not what you want to hear in regards to your web community. As a veteran of the FAILtastic Fark redesign, it chills me to the bone. r.

Q: What kind of changes?

A: From what I can gather, it's a complete overhaul of the voting system. Instead of the current single option voting, users will soon be able to vote for an entry as either "best," "funniest," or "crap." You might remember a similar rumor that I discussed in April of last year. Back then, it lacked the latter option. I'm not sure who's bright idea it was to add "crap," but it's definitely the most upsetting decision I've seen come down the pipe.

Q: Why would anyone think it to be a good idea?

A: Brain damage? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm sure there will be an inevitable chorus of "you'll get over it." Honestly, I have my doubts. Recent events, like the demise of Digg, have shown that no good can come from alienating users. I sincerely hope that Drew reconsiders this regrettable idea.

That's all for this time, ghoulish reader. Have a happy Halloween. I hope the rumors discussed in this week's post has little or no basis in reality. Just keep in mind, we've heard of this before. That makes me think it's either in the works, or something Drew tells Photoshoppers to troll them.

Stay tuned for more unwanted changes from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Provocation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. You might not always agree with me, but that's just because you're stupid. Keep reading and you just might learn something. Though like your 6th grade education, I doubt it will stick.

Q: Why do you hate your readers?

A: This baseless accusation is utterly ridiculous on its face. Only a moronic imbecile would form such a poorly-rendered assumption. I could never hate my readers. They're like my children! In fact, given that I hardly ever choke my readers or dangle them from high-rise balconies, you could say I love them even more than my children.

Q: Then what's with all the insults?

A: It's called tough love, dumbass. If I learned anything from court-mandated anger management therapy, it's that sometimes you have to get tough on the ones you love, and random strangers. Also, try not to bite your tongue when the police inevitably taser you.

Q: Aren't you afraid people will stop reading?

A: Absolutely not. The great thing about this blog is that most of my readership does so out of pathological obsession. I can say whatever I want, and go off topic for weeks at a time. I can even make pointless vanity posts where I congratulate myself for various feats of misanthropy. All things considered, it's been an extremely lucrative endeavor.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you found this post to be both entertaining and enlightening. If not, go back and try rereading it. Only this time don't just skip over the multisyllabic words.

Stay tuned for more suggested comprehension from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reunion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a look at the issues that other Fark bloggers are too afraid, or non-existent, to face. The opinions expressed here are provided to you as a courtesy, so that you have some insight into how a non-syphilitic brain functions.

Q: Has your favorite Photoshopper ever left Fark?

A: No, I never have. See what I did there? Because I'm my favorite Photoshopper. But narcissistic personality disorders aside, there have been many great pixel pushers who have disappeared over the years. Some were my friends, whilst others were before my time.

Q: Where did these people go?

A: Life has a funny habit of getting in the way. A wide range of excuses have been given by these retiring Photoshoppers, from familial obligations to this thing called "work." Thankfully, the economic crisis brought an end to much of the latter. The former, however, continues to take out good 'shoppers in their prime. We may need to recruit more loveless loners into our ranks.

Q: Does anyone ever come back?

A: All the time. Photoshopping is truly an addiction, and few can resist the urge for long. I'm always glad to welcome back these returning veterans. Their absence is often cited as proof of some mass exodus due to Fark's decline. There is no singular reason the various members of our Golden Age pantheon dropped off. Work, family, even a couple of freak outs. Regardless of why, try to keep a perspective that Photoshopping is a hobby.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I want to close this post by once again offering my sincere appreciation to all returning veterans. Time marches on without these people, but familiar names hearken to the past.
Except for TheSniperZERO
Stay tuned for more Farking nostalgia from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Expiration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me again, as I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. For as long as I can clearly remember, this blog has been a paragon of respectability and forward-thinking debate. Anyone who says otherwise is a treasonous asshole, one whom should be hated and scorned.
ideally, hate-scorned
Q: What happened to the Scutinizer's replacement?

A: Development seems to have halted on the Photoshop Contest Archive Project. We were told the completion of it would be more of a long term deal, though initial strides were promising. Not having an archive site has crippled our community, so I truly hope someone is able help soon.

Q: Will Mr Squirrel ever fix the Scrutinizer?

A: The odds in favor of that happening are not good. Part of me still wants to believe that Mr Squirrel will return to fix things. Of course, I also believed in Santa Claus at one point in my life. Once I got to college, I pretty much figured things out. Likewise, the writing is on the wall regarding the Scrutinizer's fate. Even before it broke completely, it hadn't displayed a correct date for several months.

Q: Why doesn't Fark keep track of our stats?

A: I've been asking this question for a long time. Most other Photoshop contest sites keep track of a user's contributions and statistics. It can be argued that Fark isn't a dedicated PS site. The contests are actually a secondary component of the user experience, the primary I guess is arguing about politics with multiple alts. This is true to a large extent, but it would be much easier for Fark to set up something that scrapes its own content than it would be for us to set up another (and another, and another) of these archive sites. They only last as long as their creator's interest.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Don't let the current Dark Age of Photoshop get you down (unless you disagree with me about anything, in which case feel free to rot in a chasm of despair). It may not have been implicitly stated before, but I am an expert on all subjects, most especially the subject of determining when I am an expert at things. My months of training to be a doctor have taught me to trust my gut instincts, which tell me everything is probably going to be fine. Or not.

Stay tuned for more ambiguous predictions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Examination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In today's post, we'll be taking a look at some of Fark's most popular cliche images. As a certified expert on the subject of Internet memes, I enjoy tracking the viral spread of humor. My tenure as caretaker of Cliche City has given me some unique insight into the appeal of these pictures that are so frequently seen around Fark.

Q: What is the most popular Fark cliche?

A: The answer might surprise you. We've all seen the classic Paint Huffer mugshot used thousands of times, but Pat Tribbet's image is by no means the most popular. His continued love of inhalants assures him a top spot in the pantheon of Fark cliches, but he isn't what people are coming to Cliche City for. That honor belongs to the Black Baby Head image originated by Kerouac555.


Q: What brought you to this conclusion?

A: All I had to do was take a look at the Cliche City stats. That site gets a lot of traffic, mainly by way of Google search queries. Guess who is at the top of the list? It doesn't matter if you look at the weekly, monthly or all time stats, the little black kid wins by a landslide. Suck it, haters.

Pops to larger, or you could buy a decent sized monitor, you cheap asshole.

The only real competition comes from the Beatles and Abbey Road. Even combined, they still don't come close to BBH, as both the singular and plural forms of "black baby" appear on every list. And whilst some searchers may not be looking for our BBH in particular, he's the one they end up using. I see it as a bit of redemption for the image's originator, who notably made himself a pariah in the process of birthing that meme.

Q: Isn't BBH still considered to be a forced meme?

A: It's true that many Farkers don't consider him to be a real cliche. Kerouac555's incessant use of BBH was a huge point of contention amongst people with nothing better to argue about. I've always enjoyed the image, if for no other reason than because it pisses off a certain stuffy subset of our community. We're free to post whatever we like in the contests, so kindly STFU. At this point, I think we're past the argument of whether or not BBH is a real cliche. As previously stated, the stats don't lie.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. If you disagree with the views and opinions expressed in this blog, please feel free to register your displeasure in the comment section. I'd much rather mock you for your awkward attempts at trolling than your utter cowardice in the face of someone who is much smarter than you.

Stay tuned for more obvious flamebait from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Instigation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the Friday Q&A. This regular feature takes a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Some people might think that I'm an opinionated jackass, but nothing could be further from the truth. I greet every visitor warmly, provided we agree with each other in every way. This week's edition will be examining the political influences on our community. As a formality, please sign this loyalty oath before continuing.

Q: Why are there so many political trolls on Fark?

A: Fark has always been a haven for trolls, but it tends to get a bit crowded during election season. For the most part, this partisan animosity stays confined to the political threads. Of which there are dozens. A veritable smorgasbord of trolling delight is made available to the average Farker, so I'm puzzled as to why their vitriol has begun to spill over into the Photoshop threads.

Q: Why has vitriol begun to spill over into the Photoshop threads?

A: Like I just said, I'm puzzled. This can generally be taken to mean that I don't know specifically why. There's likely many factors at work here. I've been seeing a lot of recently created accounts, which probably means fresh alts for our known roster of dickbags. Rumor has it that some assholes are even paid to troll Fark. Nice work if you can get it, especially in this economy.

Q: Where do I sign up?

A: That's what I would like to know. I can always use the extra income, as my Fabergé egg addiction has begun to get expensive in recent years. At any rate, the hardcore trolls seem to be smart enough to avoid the more stringent posting guidelines for Photoshop threads. However, it's true that some have been getting increasingly brazen in recent months. Nowadays, it's not unusual to see a contest devolve into a mass of text, simply because one moron stepped out of line.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'm glad we were able to have an open discussion of Fark's posting guidelines that didn't end with anyone drawing comparisons to fascism. Enjoy, it's probably the last one you'll see, at least until the election season ends.

Stay tuned for more apolitical sentiments from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Transition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Here at the Picture Clinic, I pride myself on consistency. I'm consistently right, and you're consistently a subhuman and moronic waste of life. The fact that people like you manage to survive is a slap in the face to the vaunted theory of evolution. I can only assume you've developed a hard shell or camouflage reflex to thwart predators.

Q: Have you figured out a way to fix Google?

A: If you had the displeasure of reading last week's column, you know that the functionality of Google Image Search was recently marred by an unpopular redesign. Instead of a neatly arranged grid, search results are now carelessly dumped in front of the user. Despite a massive public outcry, few fixes currently exist to permanently give you back the classic version of the search. As a temporary workaround, I've installed the Google Images (Classic) plug-in listed on this page.

Q: Why did Google see the need to improve their image search?

A: I see the change as an attempt to keep step with Bing, Google's top competitor. After all, how better to outfox your enemy than by becoming just like them in every way? America didn't win the War on Terror by having TSA agents grab my junk every time I go to the airport. We won it by launching cruise missiles into densely populated areas. This new image search is Google's own version of the Daisy Cutter.
Remember the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt take it up a notch
Q: Why does Google want to be like Bing?

A: No one really knows why Google seems determined make their site even more ugly and dysfunctional than the competition. It might be possible that Google is some sort of alien creature sent to kill and replace Microsoft. We may need to be on the lookout for suspicious pods. At any rate, the new image search fails for abandoning low-bandwidth users. Hopefully, the plug-in listed above will enable you to bypass this annoying new feature.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It's important to note that many search alternatives exist. No one is forcing you to use Bing or Google, despite their competition to surreptitiously change your default engine through increasingly obtrusive toolbars. Yahoo and Lycos.com (site motto: Yes, we still exist!) are just two of many possible examples.

Stay tuned for more unpopular alternatives from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Suggestion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. As usual, I'm glad you're here. Even if you disagree with what I say, this is the time for us all to come together in a state of national unity. In the spirit of patriotism and goodwill, I want to temporarily extend an olive branch to my detractors. This isn't the time for petty bickering.

Q: Why the sudden change of heart?

A: Isn't it obvious? A huge blight has scarred the American way of life. I'm talking, of course, about the recent changes made to the search engine Google. In case you were completely oblivious, Google has been hard at work trying to make its user experience more ridiculous. You may recall my reaction to the first of these changes, a useless sidebar (cloned from competitor Bing).

Q: Are you going to rant about how you hate the new Instant feature?

A: I actually don't mind it that much. At least Instant can be turned off fairly easily. I'm much more alarmed about the new GIS. They changed to a horrible new format some weeks back, and I've been looking for a reliable way to turn it off permanently. A few methods exist, but I'm not particularly happy with any of them.

Q: What is your solution to the problem?

A: So far, the best workaround I've found for the GIS issue is to use another search engine. Finding a replacement can be tough, but there are alternatives. Bing is the obvious first choice, at least if you support corporate fascism. Yahoo is another option, at least their image search page has an a decent layout. I also recently discovered that Lycos.com is still active. Presumably, that site allows you to search for content exclusively from 1999 (the last time that engine was relevant).

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. I hope you didn't mind this brief diversion from the topic of Fark, but image searching is integral to creating a good Photoshop. I tried photographing all the sources myself, but it's a dangerous hobby these days. If you go around snapping pictures in our society, you eventually end up on some double-secret terrorist watch list.

Stay tuned for more infrequent flying from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Evaluation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I examine issues relating to Fark's Photoshop community. It's just my way of giving back without trying very hard. In life, as well as Photoshop, anything that requires effort is a complete waste of time. Sorry, architects of civilization. We're still just a bunch of primates, who invariably resort to flinging our shit at whatever we don't understand. This week, I'll be examining a topic that no one seems to understand: voting.

Q: How do you decide how to cast your vote?

A: It really depends on what I'm voting for. If it's a political election, I can be counted on to vote for whichever candidate uses the most eagles in their campaign advertisements. Those birds really are the best way to determine how patriotic a given politico is. If I ever run for office, I'll make sure my campaign ads are literally plastered with eagles. And none of those crappy bald ones. Each bird would have a miniature toupee grafted to its skull. The whole thing would be very tasteful.

Q: What about Fark voting?

A: Fark voting is a little bit different. For starters, eagles don't really play a factor in building voter confidence. I've developed my own system to evaluate contest entries, and it serves me well enough. If the image is one of my own creations, I definitely vote for it. I spread a few more votes around the thread, but I make sure they only get awarded to people who have never done anything to piss me of or threaten my average. That's an admittedly small number.

Q: Why do some people only vote for one entry per contest?

A: Because some people (most, actually) are idiots. They must think they're electing prom queen or something. I usually cast several votes per contest, depending on how many entries I've posted. The idea that one single image can ever be truly superior is preposterous. Unless of course, that image was crafted by me.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. It's very important for you not waste your vote. This isn't some shitty Presidential election, where we can get by on 15% turnout. We need a full compliment of Fark PSers voting in each contest, preferably for me.

Stay tuned for more vote whoring from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Disintegration

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Odds are pretty good that I'm glad you're here. I started the Picture Clinic a few years ago, as a bastion of free speech for those who agree with me. Unlike a lot of bloggers, who tend to be cretinous dick brains with little regard for the English language, I distinctly remember spell-checking at least two of my posts.

Q: Are you worried about your Photoshop legacy?

A: Such sentiments have become popular in the wake of the Scrutinizer's demise. It would seem that the vote averages we worked so hard to cultivate have been obliterated by a simple change in web code. What's worse, future generations of 'shoppers won't know who we are, or that they suck. On the upside, those same future generations will be mercifully spared the humiliation of comparing their work to mine.

Q: Why do you care what anyone thinks?

A: Not to put too fine a point on it, but I don't. In my own mind, I'm already the greatest Photoshopper Fark has ever seen in the world of the universe. There's no need for a website to confirm this fact, any more than there is for a site that focuses on my good standards of personal hygiene and generally inoffensive odor. Why bother setting up a series of statistical calculations to substantiate what I already know to be true?

Q: Then why do you care if the Scrutinizer goes offline?

A: Fark needs a Scrutinizer, and losing Mr Squirrel's site has been a real blow to this community. I miss the feeling of superiority I get from comparing another person's work to my own. It will be a relief when the new archive site is finished, assuming that ever happens. I'm more than ready to put the current Photoshop Dark Ages behind us.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Without a Scrutinizer to keep track of the stats, I've been forced to do my own analysis. After a series of intensive calculations, I've determined my average to be at least 500 votes per entry.

Stay tuned for more questionable accounting from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Cessation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm glad you're here, because we have important business to discuss. If you're one of those people who bitches and moans about cliche abuse, you might want to sit this one out. The subject of this week's post is everyone's favorite paint huffer (or Krylon-American, if you want to be politically correct).

Q: Why is Pat Tribbett in the news again?

A: Tribbett, who has gained fame for his perennial abuse of gold paint, is quickly returning to his old ways. Say goodbye to the clean and sober Pat of late last year. A report from this week has him suffering a particularly devastating relapse. Shockingly enough, court-ordered sobriety may not be an achievable goal for everyone. At this rate, he's going to have enough mugshots to fill his own calendar. Thank the FSM no one uses those any more.


Q: Is it wrong to huff paint?

A: The media certainly works hard enough to convince us of this fact. I, however, remain skeptical. Our society has a proven track record of demonizing that which it does not understand. For as long as I can remember, inhalant abusers have been stereotyped and ridiculed. If huffing paint was a form of non-violent protest, Tribbett would be the next Gandhi or Rosa Parks.

Q: Is Tribbett really equatable to Gandhi?

A: You're not listening. I said Gandhi and Rosa Parks. The man is obviously a crusader for human rights, specifically the right to turn one's own brain into mush via years of exposure to toxic chemicals. Why is the world so intent on keeping Tribbett from the one thing that brings him joy in life? The man lives in West Virginia. That place isn't exactly bristling with opera houses and vibrant political discourse. The lesson he teaches us is a valuable one: When you love something, do it, no matter how wrong or flammable society tells you it is.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you didn't mistake this week's post as an endorsement of inhalant abuse. Huffing paint should never be practiced, even as a form of civil disobedience. I was simply pointing out that there are some places in America where an abundance of brain cells can be seen as a handicap. I offer my best wishes to Mr Tribbett, and hope to see him back on the road to recovery soon.

Stay tuned for more unrealistic expectations from the Doctor!

Anniversary Q&A

Questionable Revision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special edition of the Q&A. I'm glad you stopped by on such a monumental occasion. Today is the third anniversary of the Picture Clinic's founding, and as such, I figured I would help shed some light on your favorite hate blog (mine). Make some popcorn, because this post is sure to be the most interesting thing you'll read in the next 15 minutes. Unless you take time to read the microwave instructions off the popcorn bag.

Q: Why did you create the Picture Clinic?

A: I was once just a mild-mannered narcissistic sociopath. Three years ago, I was approached by Fark founder Drew Curtis. "Stop going through my garbage can," he said. "And while you're at it, please create a troll blog to poke fun at some of the stuffier members of the Fark Photoshop community." I agreed, but only if I be allowed to finish a half eaten cheeseburger he had discarded. Who just throws out a whole half cheeseburger?

Q: Wasn't this originally a parody blog?

A: No, no, NO. I don't know where this rumor got started. Whilst it may be true that other Fark Photoshop-related blogs existed before mine, the Picture Clinic is the first one not to be written by an absolute cretin. Those other guys were barely even trying. For all their sock puppet comments and manufactured hysteria over the state of our community, they forgot the most important part of blogging: always being right. I'm the only person I know of who can fit the bill in that respect.

Q: What happened to your rivals?

A: A better question would be, who cares what happened to my rivals? What a bunch of whiny assholes. I certainly don't miss having to decipher their poorly-written drivel. Whilst it's debatable whether or not my comment sections are better off without a bunch of misspelled attempts at trolling, I think we can at least live without the angry poems.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Stay tuned for many more years of fun here at the Picture Clinic. I'd like to close this post by taunting my fallen enemies. Since you still read this blog every week, please do me a favor and kill yourselves. To the rest of my readers, thanks for sticking around. You'll always be welcome here, provided you freely acknowledge my brilliance and genius.

Stay tuned for more self congratulation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Resolution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature explores areas of interest to Fark's Photoshop community. Past topics have included the death of Michael Jackson (I was against it), the Gulf oil spill (I was for it), and the 2012 Mayan Deathpocalypse (I'm trying to remain neutral on that one).

Q: How did those issues play out?

A: They all seem to have been resolved. Michael Jackson either was or was not reincarnated in a fashion similar to Brandon Lee's classic goth action film The Crow. Not having access to the exclusive cemetery that Jacko was buried in, there's really no way for me to be sure. However, I think it's pretty safe to assume that he's walking the Earth in a state of living death. Hell, he had been doing that since the 90's.

Q: The Gulf oil catastrophe was resolved?

A: Unfortunately, yes. BP's oil spill, simultaneously the most tragic and annoying to hit cable news in years, was recently capped by robots. I'm very disappointed that the free flow of oil to the American people was halted. Even worse, they stopped it before 100% of all ocean life was killed off. There's almost certainly some sharks and jellyfish left alive, so we'll have to wait for another spill before we can safely go swimming without fear of being stung or inadvertently becoming part of an over-hyped week on the Discovery channel.

Q: What about the impending Mayan death prophecy?

A: That damn prophecy has been looming for too long now. I'm going to save us a couple years by declaring that the ancient Mayans were probably just jerking us around. If they had truly been able to see into the future, then they would have had some prophecies to warn them about European explorers being a bunch of civilization-raping assholes. If you can't foresee smallpox, how am I supposed to take your word on the apocalypse?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Join me again next week for the Picture Clinic's third anniversary. I'm proud to be the industry standard in hate blogging, even if it's a little like being the best two dollar whore. The for the record, I've been told that I could charge as much as three dollars.

Stay tuned for more price increases from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Education

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Thanks for joining me once again. If you're new to the Clinic, this weekly feature explores issues of interest to Fark's Photoshop community. As a common courtesy, I ask that all newcomers click the Paypal "donate" button and contribute some funds towards the upkeep of this blog. Give whatever you're comfortable with. Any amount of money is fine, assuming it can be quantified as a shitload.

Q: Why should people listen to you?

A: For starters, I'm always right, 100% of the time. This fact alone puts me head and shoulders above the now-deceased competition. A wise man was once quoted as saying, "the Doctor is a brilliant genius." I forget who said that, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. I usually don't describe myself without using the word "godlike."

Q: What makes you so smart?

A: It's not so much that I'm smart (though I totally am, don't think for a second that I'm not). It's that everyone else is so very, very stupid. That is by no means an insult to you personally. I'm sure you serve your purpose admirably. Stupid people are a valuable commodity, and have their place in any functioning society. Why do you think so many stores sell extended warranties?

Q: How can I get smarter?

A: I'm afraid that would be impossible. It's a sad fact that ignorance can never be fully cured. Even if it could, who would want to do such a thing? Someone has to buy all those extended warranties, and it sure as hell isn't going to be me. Most people seem happy enough being stupid. I, for one, am glad their ranks are so abundant.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed this look into the many stupid aspects of the human condition. I think you'll find it goes a long way towards explaining quite a few of life's mysteries, especially the voting outcome of many Fark Photoshop contests.

Stay tuned for more intellectual certitude from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Speculation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This weekly feature takes a hard look at Fark's Photoshop community. You might not always agree with me, but that's probably just because you're an ignorant prick with wrong opinions. Don't despair! By carefully following my instructions, you can be an ignorant prick with all the correct opinions.

Q: How have you been keeping track of your stats?

A: I've had to get creative since the demise of the Scrutinizer. It's funny how just a bit of code can mean the difference between a Golden Age at Fark and the current Photoshop Dark Age. At least until the new archive site is complete, we're on our own to determine whether or not we're superior to our fellow PSers.

Q: What calculations do you use?

A: Personally, I'm not much of a math guy. The fun of image mangling comes crashing down for me when I have to put two and two together (damn that number 22). I used the Scrutinizer more as an online portfolio than as a tool for statistical analysis. The appeal in obsessing about one's vote average has always been lost on me.

Q: Then how do you know if you're better than anyone?

A: I already know I'm better than everyone when I wake up in the morning (or mid afternoon as the case may be). I'm more concerned with losing track of which contests I've entered. That's why I'm glad Fark includes the profile option to automatically favorite threads you post in.


This option doesn't really work if you regularly post in non-Photoshop threads. So do the honorable thing and stick to trolling Youtube, at least until the new archive site is online. Or hold your breath and wait for Drew to incorporate Scrutinizer functionality into our Fark profiles.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks for stopping by. Since the current Dark Age of Photoshop has left us without proper stats to compare, I'm praying that no arguments break out. There would be no way to tell which side has the most wins or higher vote average (and is therefore correct).

Stay tuned for more ambiguous victories from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reconstruction

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Each week, I take a hard look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. It's a dirty job, but someone who is always right (and also a genius) has to do it. Now if you'll excuse me, those issues aren't going to take a hard look at themselves.

Q: Is the Scrutinizer still offline?

A: Unfortunately, it looks like the Scrutinizer is going to stay broken. As mentioned in a previous Q&A, Mr Squirrel's formerly indispensable site has fallen into serious disrepair. It really is the end of an era. The loss of such a valuable resource is bad enough, but I'm even more disappointed at losing the man himself. Mr Squirrel's skills and generosity were far more valuable than a hundred archive sites and forums combined. He'll always be welcome in our community, should he ever decide to return.

Q: What about the replacement site?

A: The currently unnamed replacement project was unveiled on Friday to much fanfare. Special thanks to Farker ballchain for setting things up. It might not be much to look at right now, but the design is at least on par with some of the early incarnations of the Picture Clinic. Check it out here if you haven't already.

Q: How does it compare to the Scrutinizer?

A: The fact that it works at all is a massive improvement. Beyond that, things are still taking shape. From what I understand, the finished product will boast more accurate stat tracking than the Squirrel site. Thanks again to ballchain for setting up the next generation of Photoshop archival and analysis.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by reminding you that the Picture Clinic's third anniversary is less than a month away. It seems like only 1064 days ago that I set out to slay the demons of ignorance and hubris, which had infested Fark's Photoshop community. I have no idea whether or not I was successful, but the sheer force of my effort is proof enough that I am genius with God-like power.

Stay tuned for more forceful reckoning from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Continuation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm back from my vacation to the glorious worker's paradise of Puerto Rico. It turns out they actually have a pretty close relationship with the US. Enough to fully comply with requests for extradition, anyway. Take that, Communism!

Q: Is it the end of an era?

A: Apparently so. This was the news I returned home to, anyway. You never want eras to change when you're out of the country. At some point, most likely when I was hunched over the guardrail of a cruise liner hurling crab Rangoon into international waters, the Photoshop Scrutinizer stopped working. Whilst this may come as no surprise to anyone who has been monitoring the status of that site, it was still a rude awakening to the general public.

Q: How long has the Scrutinizer been having problems?

A: I don't fully recall when the first problems started to appear over at Mr Squirrel's venerable site. At some point, the contest dates stopped being recorded, and comparative stats have been offline for a while now. Bugs aside, the Scrut had continued to chug along with limited functionality until earlier this month. What changed is anyone's guess, but it would seem there's only a matter of time before the last gasp of that long-suffering resource.

Q: Should we despair?

A: No. As a matter of fact, don't. This is the kind of problem that basically resolves itself, at least after the courageous efforts of heroic individuals. Not being any of those things (especially not an individual, damn you Dissociative Identity Disorder) I'm sitting this one out. I do, however, offer my sincere thanks to the person working on a replacement site. Without people like this, our humble tradition of privately mocking each other's low voting average could easily come to a close.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. It's sad to see a celebrated part of our community like the Scrutinizer fall into disrepair. A process which, compared to the relatively quick death of the Honor Roll, has been agonizingly painful. I guess losing an archive site is like ripping off a band-aid. Though as a medical practitioner, I always caution my patients against removing their bandages, at least until I have a chance to speak with my lawyer.

Stay tuned for more possible negligence from the Doctor!

Independence Day Q&A

Questionable Expatriation

Greeting, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special July Fourth edition of the Q&A. Independence Day is the time of year when all Americans come together to celebrate our nation's founding. The sentiment is generally accomplished by setting off low-grade explosives and discounting the price of retail merchandise. Join me this week, as I take a look at what it means to be an American.

Q: Why is the Fourth of July such a special day to Americans?

A: July Fourth commemorates the date in 1976 when our Founding Fathers dumped tea into the Boston harbor, single-handedly liberating the entire country from oppressive British rule. To honor the day, America was founded. This came as a relief to the Founding Fathers, who had been wondering why people kept calling them that. Our brave new nation was forged on the principle of freedom from such tyrannical British practices as public healthcare, driving on the wrong side of the road, and drinking room temperature beer.

Q: How do you celebrate the Fourth?

A: I used to create my own fireworks display every year, using simple household chemicals. Unfortunately, since the implementation of certain government surveillance programs, procuring the proper ingredients can be difficult without landing yourself on the no-fly list. That's why this year, I took the occasion to travel overseas.

Q: Why did you leave the country?

A: What better way to celebrate the birth of America than by getting the hell out of it? Don't get me wrong, I love this country as much as the next guy. I wear the same American flag boxer shorts 365 days a year. Occasionally over my pants, if I have to dress myself in a hurry. But there comes a time when partisan bickering grows tiresome. People should spew their bile about things that matter, like Fark Photoshop contests. That's why I escaped the USA, seeking refuge in the glorious Communist paradise of Puerto Rico. With any luck, Fidel Castro will cede power to me in a bloodless coup.

That's all for this time, patriotic reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you have a great Fourth of July, unless you disagree with me, in which case please disregard any warning labels printed on your fireworks. It's perfectly acceptable to light bottle rockets inside the house.

Stay tuned for more safety instructions from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Reanimation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Today marks an important milestone: it's the one year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. Didn't you ever see 1994's The Crow? So far, everything I learned from that movie has been true to life. Detroit is indeed a depressing shithole populated by roving gangs of drug-addled sociopaths. The subplot about crows bringing people back to life is bound to be accurate.

Q: Why bring back Michael Jackson?

A: I feel the Photoshop community has lost a very important cliche in the wake of Jacko's passing. Jokes about him are increasingly irrelevant. Future generations of kids won't even get the one about little boys pants being half off. They won't get molested by him, either, but it's kind of a shitty trade off when you think about it.

Q: What about Gary Coleman?

A: Oh, we're so bringing back Gary Coleman. The best thing about him is that if we pool our money, we'll probably be able to buy the remains from his wife. But first things first, we need to get our zombie Jacko up and moonwalking towards vengeance. Those paparazzi and quack medical practitioners aren't going to commit acts of brutally graphic, cinematic violence against themselves.

Q: Don't these celebrities deserve the peace of the grave?

A: If digging up dead celebrities is wrong, I don't want to be right. Besides, nobody was complaining when I dug up Farrah Fawcett earlier today. Granted, the security guards were on their lunch break. It's just too bad she was cremated. Whatever, I can still work with it.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. As the self-proclaimed King of Hate Blogging, I hope at least one of you will heed this call to bring back the self-proclaimed King of Pop. Give a hoot, dig up Jacko's corpse! I've already trapped several crows for use in the ritual. I figured we might need a few practice birds, I haven't preformed black magic since high school.

Stay tuned for more avian experimentation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Electrocution

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. In this regularly occurring feature, I take a look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Admittedly, the issues are oftentimes only tangentially related. This week will prove to be no exception, thanks to an errant lightning bolt from the FSM.

Q: What happened to Touchdown Jesus?

A: I'm afraid he's with the 60 foot-tall angels now. The King of Kings, a gigantic statue of Christ located aside I-75 in Ohio, was destroyed by lightning earlier this week. It had been constructed in 2004, and was featured in this Fark contest from 2005.


Q: What kind of God would burn down his own statue?

A: The same God who created electricity and its various properties. "Touchdown Jesus," as the statue was so affectionately known, consisted of a steel frame wrapped in flammable material. Apparently, the word of the Lord doesn't mention anything about electrical conductivity.

Q: Has this event disproved God's existence?

A: Quite to the contrary! Taking out such an eyesore proves that the FSM is not only real, he also has a pretty good sense of aesthetics. I'm sure the burned-out husk is far more appealing to Interstate travelers. And, as previously mentioned, the entire construction was a six story high lightning rod located in a giant pool of water. It's a miracle no one was killed during the frequent baptisms that took place there.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by apologizing to the FSM, for ever doubting His awesome power. If I'd known He had such a great sense of humor, I'd have been going to church a long time ago. An act of God against an affront to God has to be the highest form of irony.

Stay tuned for more ungodly affronts from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Supervision

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This award-eligible recurring feature takes a hard look at issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Consider this series an ongoing investigation into the subject of why I'm better than you. It's not just because I shower regularly, though that probably does play a factor.

Q: Which tutorials are best for a beginner?

A: One thing I never recommend is the use of tutorials. They tend to subtract fun and mystery from the learning process. Real PSers learn by doing. You might have several large, expensive books on the subject of Photoshop. Throw them away! You wasted your money there, my friend. You can't learn Photoshop by reading a bunch of words. Hell, I can't read at all. Over the years, I've paid a series of friends, relatives, caseworkers and homeless people to transcribe my various rantings.

Q: What's the best way to get good at Photoshop?

A: As previously stated, real Photoshoppers learn by doing. Explore your image editing program of choice. Use valuable resources like the PSAEF and nascent Misfit Squirrels forum to fill any gaps in your knowledge. This process, along with my meager eight years of art school, has served me extremely well.

Q: Why don't you offer more Photoshop tips?

A: Mostly, I don't want anyone to get better than me. It would take a long shot for something like that to happen, but I didn't get where I am by taking chances. Over the years, I've witnessed many cliché hacks develop into solid competitors. Remember the Golden Rule of Fark Photoshop: everyone is a threat to your vote average. I treat our mutual hobby as a gentleman's sport, but only if I'm guaranteed to win 100% of the time.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. As usual, thanks for stopping by. Don't feel bad about my illiteracy. Nowadays, books are only for scientists and obese teenagers. I actually had a computer program at one point that would read words off the screen, but I had to terminate my PC before it became self-aware. The last time something like that happened in 1997, all of the world's nukes got launched. We simply can't afford for such a blunder to happen again. Do you know how expensive nukes are? Besides, some parts of Los Angeles still haven't been rebuilt from the last Judgment Day.

Stay tuned for more urban renewal from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Edification

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This regular feature deals with issues facing Fark's Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me once again. I'm glad you're here! It's important to get your recommended daily allowance of venomous bile.

Q: Do you have any advice on how to get more votes?

A: The resurgence of an old PSAEF discussion has prompted me to share some observations I've made concerning Fark's inscrutable voting process. It may appear outwardly chaotic, but an undertow of very predictable patterns can be found just below the surface. Master them, and you're well on your way towards still being vastly inferior to me.

Q: What do the voters like?

A: Above all, they like to laugh. It's a fact that the majority of Farkers live woefully tedious lives. They aren't perusing these threads as part of an art history lesson, they just want a brief diversion from the horrors of daily life. This does a lot to explain why less complicated images frequently win. More often than not, voters will reward humor over technical skills.

Q: What do the voters dislike?

A: I'm afraid I simply haven't experienced enough failure to know what constitutes it. I tried my luck with some hastily thrown together entries, to no avail. Each craptacular image received hundreds of votes. Damn my considerable talent! You'll just have to look towards your own body of work to determine what the voters don't like.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I've long considered Fark voters relatively easy to please. Good concepts will always be rewarded, as will pop culture references and tasteless humor. Fine art is also appreciated, but has to be technically impressive to stand out from a field of dick and fart jokes.

Stay tuned for more conceptual advice from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Contamination

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Memorial Day edition of the Friday Q&A. I'd like to start by honoring America's veterans. Whether they served in Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf War, the Cola Wars, or the War of the Roses, these brave patriots deserve only the highest form of respect: not being blogged about by me.

Q: How are you celebrating Memorial Day weekend?

A: The good old-fashioned American way, of course. I won't go into too much detail, but it involves deep frying bacon whilst accidentally setting my neighbor's yard on fire. And like most Americans, I equate "national holiday" with "drink until belligerent." Hopefully I can find some time to Photoshop, because Fark's queue is finally picking up after several weeks of suck.

Q: Why did things suddenly get better?

A: There's really no way to tell, but I can't help but feel completely responsible. Clearly, things that I bitch about have a way of getting fixed. Perhaps I should turn my attention to the ongoing Gulf oil spill. I don't really consider that to be a disaster, but the constant media squawking about it has really started to wear thin.

Q: The oil spill isn't a disaster?

A: Hell no. It's just BP trying to solve America's energy crisis. I'll admit the approach is a bit hamfisted, but they are a British company after all. They're simply using a technique pioneered by us during the Boston Tea Party. Regardless of the delivery method, America's long-lamented dependence on foreign oil has just been solved. There's now plenty of domestic oil. It's practically everywhere! Head on down to the Gulf Coast with a pool skimmer, and you can snag enough petrol to keep your Hyundai running for at least a month. Though you may have to use some sort of strainer to filter out the dead sea birds.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to close this post by once again honoring America's Veterans. Please remember their heroic actions when you're puking on your neighbor's dog. I know I will.

Stay tuned for more unintentional regurgitation from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Digestion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Friday Q&A. My apologies for the late posting. I'm back after a short bout with food poisoning. Did you know that unagi has to be refrigerated? Lesson learned: never buy discounted eels from a cart vendor.

Q: How do you feel about cliche abuse?

A: Cliche abuse is something that we all should learn to live with and tolerate. In my time as a Farker, I've witnessed many failed crusades and campaigns against the use of these so-called cliches. Big surprise, they're all still around. Whilst some memes may individually fall into disuse after a time, new ones quickly come along to serve in their stead.

Q: Does Cliche City proliferate these memes?

A: Absolutely not. Such an assumption is patently ridiculous. Most of the images we claim as "cliches" have storied pasts outside our community. They would show up in Photoshop contests regardless of whether or not Cliche City ever existed. The site merely attempts to catalog these cliches and disseminate their origin stories. You might as well get mad at newspapers for reporting current events (replace "newspaper" with "blog" if you live in certain parts of the United States).

Q: Where do Cliches come from?

A: All over the place. Some originated at Fark, but most have trickled in from other communities and web forums. These are images that have become part of our shared iconography. Many predate the Internet itself. People are still using the HA HA guy, despite having long forgotten what the hell an Insoluble Dry Plate is. Love him or hate him, odds are good that the Paint Huffer and Dolphin Girl will outlast your tenure as a Photoshopper.

That's all for this time gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Food poisoning is no joke, but it has led me to the serendipitous discovery of how much I enjoy blogging from the crapper. There's a metaphor in there, if you have a strong enough stomach to endure it.

Stay tuned for more irritable bowels from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Excoriation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. This long-running regular feature often appears on the same day of the week. In it, I examine issues facing the Fark Photoshop community. Thanks for joining me again.

Q: Did you make a difference this week?

A: I make a difference every week, and this one was no exception. It would appear that Fark's administrators have answered my call arms concerning the recent drought of Photoshop contests. The queue still isn't perfect, but things are in a lot better shape than just a few days ago. Clearly, the powers that be have taken note of this obscure blog and are currently working towards fulfilling the every whim of its founder. Let it be known that I would also like a pony. I'm told they're delicious.

Q: Why do you give the admins so much shit?

A: It's just a bit of lighthearted ribbing. Fark's administrators are hardworking people, and they deal with a high volume of stupidity. Moronic crap is constantly streaming into the submission queue, so the careful consideration of which Photoshop contests to approve probably doesn't rank high on their list.

Q: What could be more important than Photoshop?

A: Perhaps they're busy deleting spam links and fake newsflashes. We don't really know, since any communication with them in the recent past has been rare. What I can say is that the quality of approved pictures seems to be on the rise. Perhaps the infamous parrot has been retired in favor of a supercomputer or some sort of AI entity. I'm sure we'll get quite a few good years of service before it becomes self aware and wipes out humanity.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I'd like to take some time here at the end to thank the admins for all they do. As the gatekeepers of our community, their contributions are endless. Please remember my praise when the machines take over. As a blogger, I can be useful in rounding up survivors for extermination. Though it's probably safe to say that most people will be dead from the Mayan Deathpocalypse by then anyway.

Stay tuned for more dire predictions from the Doctor!