Independence Day Q&A

Questionable Expatriation

Greeting, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a very special July Fourth edition of the Q&A. Independence Day is the time of year when all Americans come together to celebrate our nation's founding. The sentiment is generally accomplished by setting off low-grade explosives and discounting the price of retail merchandise. Join me this week, as I take a look at what it means to be an American.

Q: Why is the Fourth of July such a special day to Americans?

A: July Fourth commemorates the date in 1976 when our Founding Fathers dumped tea into the Boston harbor, single-handedly liberating the entire country from oppressive British rule. To honor the day, America was founded. This came as a relief to the Founding Fathers, who had been wondering why people kept calling them that. Our brave new nation was forged on the principle of freedom from such tyrannical British practices as public healthcare, driving on the wrong side of the road, and drinking room temperature beer.

Q: How do you celebrate the Fourth?

A: I used to create my own fireworks display every year, using simple household chemicals. Unfortunately, since the implementation of certain government surveillance programs, procuring the proper ingredients can be difficult without landing yourself on the no-fly list. That's why this year, I took the occasion to travel overseas.

Q: Why did you leave the country?

A: What better way to celebrate the birth of America than by getting the hell out of it? Don't get me wrong, I love this country as much as the next guy. I wear the same American flag boxer shorts 365 days a year. Occasionally over my pants, if I have to dress myself in a hurry. But there comes a time when partisan bickering grows tiresome. People should spew their bile about things that matter, like Fark Photoshop contests. That's why I escaped the USA, seeking refuge in the glorious Communist paradise of Puerto Rico. With any luck, Fidel Castro will cede power to me in a bloodless coup.

That's all for this time, patriotic reader. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you have a great Fourth of July, unless you disagree with me, in which case please disregard any warning labels printed on your fireworks. It's perfectly acceptable to light bottle rockets inside the house.

Stay tuned for more safety instructions from the Doctor!