Friday Q&A

Questionable Ingratiation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. The holiday season is once again upon us, and you're no doubt scrambling to get on Santa's good list after a year of evil deeds and fuckery. It's something I've become quite adept at in my lifetime. Luckily, I'm more than happy to share a few techniques to help gloss over your own misdeeds.

Q: How did you know about my misdeeds?

A: I'm a blogger, it's my job to know these things. And also to blog, but thankfully that part doesn't come up nearly as much as the fun stuff like watching people through telescopes and combing through their garbage. The trash from an average household contains a wealth of information and potentially even some coffee filters with a few uses left.

Q: How can I smooth things over with Santa?

A: This is a tough one. Santa isn't like God, where you can casually disregard the rules as long as you say you're sorry at some point. Santa doesn't understand prayers and platitudes. He only speaks two languages: milk and cookies. The ratio is 3 ounces of milk and one gram of cookie for each misdeed. And don't try to fake him out with some store bought crap. Those better be homemade cookies and whole milk, none of that low fat or 2% shit.

Q: What if I'm not Christian?

A: Boy, are you in trouble. Don't let Santa find out. I've never understood the purpose of religions that don't turn the celebration of their savior's birth into a chintzy commercialized festival of gluttony. What's the point? All that time spent praying could better used for standing in front of big box electronics stores in hopes of getting a cheap TV. If you picked one of the boring non-gift regions, you're on your own.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, you'll find a way to get on Santa's good side. And don't worry. There's still several more days left to be bad before you'll need to seriously think about seeing the error of your ways.

Stay tuned for more delayed absolution from the Doctor!