Questionable Termination
Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. We had a pretty quiet week here at the Clinic, with TSZ in lurk mode and Boner seeking a remedy for his anal warts. Good news, but it doesn't do much to cheer me up in light of certain developments.
Q: What happened to the Honor Roll?
A: The Honor Roll is no more. StovepipeBender, the HR's proprietor, lost interest and moved on. We first learned of this news a few weeks ago, but the month to preparation still leaves me in a state of shock. It's sad to say goodbye to such a trusted resource. With a heavy heart, I must remove the Honor Roll from my link list.
Q: Do you have any more info on Manipster?
A: I certainly do. Manipster, the unworthy HR successor I spoke briefly about last week, continues to draw our bandwidth. After careful scrutiny over the past few days, I have yet to determine the site's true purpose. In fact, I've unearthed a laundry list of problems. For example, Manipster displays the first thread post as the "O." That works fine for regular contests, but what about themes? In theme threads, Manipster logs the first entry as the original. That means if you post first, it automatically records your score as zero. The same is true for non-vote enabled entries. I don't know why it does this, but it's pretty damn stupid. And it still doesn't keep track of a participant's vote average, or even more than five contests.
Q: Why doesn't Fark just keep track of our scores for us?
A: That's actually a damn good question. I guess they were so busy cramming extra ad space into the redesign that they must have forgotten to give us anything useful. I have long believed that the number of contests won, along with other scrutinizer-esque info, should be displayed in each user's profile. Every other PS contest site does this, so I can't figure out why Fark doesn't. There should be an option to display the number of Photoshop threads you've entered, won, placed in, etc. Why force the users to pick up the slack?
That's all for this time, gentle reader. I want to end this post by once again taunting Edward Boner. I'm glad he chose to retire from the "blogging game" because it was becoming a bit tiresome to understand what the fuck he was talking about. I shouldn't need my Asshole Secret Decoder Ring to figure out the gist of a blogger's infantile rantings. If you have something to say on the Internet, speak clearly and wait to be called an idiot. Boner's missives came out as a jumble of hate speech and misspelled words better suited for the wall of whatever truckstop men's room he calls home.
Stay tuned for more factual statements from the Doctor!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday Q&A
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday Q&A
Questionable Manipulation
Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I've prepared a classic post for you, one that harkens back to the days of yore. OK, not really. I just wanted to use the phrase "harkens back to the days of yore." It's been a strong desire of mine for a while now, one that harkens back to the days of last week. Having fulfilled that goal, we'd better get to the questions.
Q: Can you explain the new forum's ranking system?
A: I'd be delighted to. It is my intention to award each user of the Clinic Forums a unique rank. For example, my self-determined rank is "Forum Tyrant." I haven't made up ranks for everyone yet, but when I do, they will be based on such varied scientific factors as how much I like you, which cycle the moon is in, and how many enchiladas I ate for breakfast.
Your rank, once awarded, is set in stone. There's no way I will consider changing it unless you do something to piss me off.
Q: What is Manipster?
A: It's the latest craze! Big thanks to alert PSAEFer And-1 for linking to this piece of garbage. The good news is that another site has stepped up to replace the soon-to-be defunct Honor Roll. The bad news is that it only displays the last five contests, doesn't track the participant's vote average, and generally serves no purpose.
I'm wondering what this thing is supposed to be. Someone obviously cared enough to register the Manipster domain, so there must be some kind of commercial angle. I'm curious about who is responsible for it. Quite a mystery. I will provide more info on this story as it develops.
Q: Did you get some sad news?
A: I sure did. It looks like Boner will be taking his leave of us. At least that's what he implies in his latest post. "It's time to retire from the blogging game," says Boner. I guess it's pretty easy to "retire" from a "game" when you're "losing," and making yourself look like a "douchebag" every "day" of the "week."
As he waves goodbye for a tenth and hopefully final time, let us take a moment to reflect on all the fond memories we have of Boner, and how he filled our days with joy. Just kidding! Fuck you Boner. You're a stupid pussy bitch. I dare you to respond to this post. Now fuck off.
That's all for this time, gentle reader. Keep watching the Picture Clinic for several new and important features, along with the standard asinine crap that you've come to know and grudgingly tolerate. If you'll excuse me, I have some ranks to assign over at the forums. Right after I sow the seeds for Boner's return by calling him a dickless cum-guzzler.
Stay tuned for more resurrections from the Doctor!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Friday Q&A
Questionable Excavation
Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to a much anticipated edition of the Friday Q&A. Yesterday's post ended with an uncharacteristic cliffhanger, and I'm sure you're all dying to know where the majority of Fark's user base has migrated to. This post also marks the big debut of our newest feature. Let's not waste any more time, and get right to the questions.
Q: Where have all the voters gone?
A: It may come as a shock to you, but the Internet is a big place. Some people think the missing Farkers went to Worth1000. I can assure you they did not. Trust me, nobody's going to that site. Certainly not the kind of casual (and unskilled) viewers that make up most of our voting demographic. Those people aren't going to other PS contest sites. They're looking for news, so it stands to reason that they're spending time at some other news-related site.
There are a wide variety of aggregate sites competing for our time. Some of them are actually pretty decent. However, at least one is largely populated by humorless assholes and/or Macintosh fanatics. I'm talking, of course, about Digg. That site gets twice the page views that Fark does, if not more. I had a chart to illustrate this trend, but it's way too depressing. Trust me, you don't want to see it. Instead, please enjoy this picture of a fluffy kitten.
Q: So Fark isn't going to be sold? A: Who started this rumor? Of all the ridiculous things to believe! I've bought into a lot of stupid crap in my day (real estate scams, saving the whales, Windows ME, etc) but I refuse to believe that some corporate entity is just going to gobble up Fark and destroy our beloved PS contests. It's a preposterous idea, one that I'm sure will come to pass shortly after McDonald's stops serving Happy Meals. Q: Is it time for the unveiling?
The good news is that you no longer have to fear a Fark buyout by corporate America. Since Digg is the most popular aggregate site, it's much more likely to get sold off and bastardized. Hooray for capitalism!
After his most recent unmasking, TheSniperZERO wrote a post where he promised to set up a new forum as "penance" for being such a prick. Thank the FSM he was just bullshitting. Can you imagine that asshole acting as a forum admin? This is the guy who had fake conversations with himself to support his asinine opinions. Something tells me he wouldn't have been very objective.
Thankfully, we have the Scrutinizer Forums. I think the moderators there do a pretty good job keeping the peace. Unfortunately, it has become clear to me that some subjects are off limits. Feel free to discuss them in the new forum, if you like.
Registration is open for now. Use your Fark name, or don't. Just don't try to impersonate someone else. As far as I can tell, the only people who would try to troll the new forums are TSZ and Boner, so I've taken the liberty of pre-banning them.
I suppose that's one advantage that the Clinic's Forums have over the Scrutinizer's. None of the discussions can be viewed by our resident trolls. I thought about including those guys, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to think they wouldn't try and sock puppet or post contest pics. I believe in giving people a second chance, but not a tenth chance. Those assholes might be able to gain access eventually, but they'll have to travel so far out of their comfort zones that trolling will be virtually impossible.
Unlike the Clinic VIP, which ended up excluding a large number of innocent people due to technical glitches, the new forums will only exclude two people: TSZ and Boner. Anyone else is welcome to join.
That's all for this time, gentle reader. Next week, I'll be posting some new games at the Clinic Arcade. You can also look for a few interesting topics of discussion over at the forums. Stop by and check them out, if you have a chance. Unless you're TSZ or Boner, in which case you can fuck off.
Stay tuned for more exclusions from the Doctor!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day Massacre 2008
Hello there, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the first annual Valentine's Day edition of the Clinic. I'm going to do my best to return all the love that's been shown to me throughout the years in a single post. Ready? Here goes!
Well, that didn't take long. Since we've got a few extra minutes, please enjoy this special Valentine's video from our friends at JibJab. Afterwards, I've got some important information to share.
Depressing Bulletin
As you're no doubt aware, there's been an ongoing controversy among Fark PSers concerning the decrease in voter turnout. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that Fark is in serious decline. Take a look at this graph, illustrating the percentage of total page views for the site.
I feel I should apologize to anyone whom I implied was stupid or living in the past. Regardless of whether or not Fark was better a few years ago, there definately were more people viewing the site. The so-called "Golden Age" apparently peaked in 2004, followed by a strong revival in 2006. However, the year 2007 (around the time of the redesign) marked the beginning of a steady downturn which has taken us to pre-2003 levels of site traffic.
You're no doubt asking yourself where everyone went. That's a great question, gentle reader! Stay tuned for the shocking answer in tomorrow's Q&A. I could tell you now, but it's Valentine's Day and something tells me you haven't been jerked around enough.
Stay tuned for more cliffhangers from the Doctor!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Friday Q&A
Questionable Homecoming
Hello there, crickets and trolls! Another week has flown by, and it's once again time for the Friday Q&A. In what has become our longest running regular feature, I take time to answer the questions you're too shy and/or stupid to ask. I also like to relentlessly taunt the blogger known as Edward Boner, since he's a such a dickless cumfarter. Fuck you, Boner.
Q: Hey Doc, did you get some good news?
A: You bet your mother's disease-ridden ass I did. Earlier this week, it was brought to my attention that our good friend TheSniperZERO has once again assumed the mantle of The Fark Photoshop Thread Critic. I don't know how frequently he intends to post, but if it's as often as he enters Fark contests, probably every six months or so. Welcome back, Critic!
Q: Why did the Critic stage a come back?
A: "Come back" isn't really the right phrase, since it implies he actually left at some point. TheSniperZERO has been trying (unsuccessfully) to troll the Clinic since day one, which is kind of strange when you consider that I haven't left a comment at TFPSTC in months. Stay on your side of the fence, TSZ.
As for the his most recent "return," you can blame the Honor Roll drama. In the wake of StovepipeBender's retirement declaration, TheSniperZERO wrote a post in which he expressed pretty much the same sentiments found in last week's Q&A. Not surprising, really. The Clinic is most likely the only thing TSZ reads (other than the directions for his anal wart creme), so I really can't fault him for plagiarizing my opinions.
Q: What about the new feature?
A: The countdown is on for the unveiling of our newest feature! We were all set for the big debut in this week's Q&A, but I've decided to hold it over your heads for a little while longer, because I'm such an ass. The next evolution of the Picture Clinic goes live in a few days, and I promise you won't be disappointed. Unless you're a whiny pissant who's never happy with anything, in which case you can go fuck yourself.
That's all for this week, gentle reader. I want to close this post by thanking TSZ for his gallant return. Good for you, buddy. I know I've ripped on your writing style in the past, but after reading months of Boner's ill-conceived drivel, TFPSTC now seems like it was penned by Shakespeare. That's not much of a compliment, but it's still the nicest thing I've ever said about the Critic.
Stay tuned for more illogical comparisons from the Doctor!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Friday Q&A
Questionable Retirement
Greetings yet again, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to the Friday Q&A, the only feature that isn't afraid to tell you what day of the week it is. We had some interesting developments at Fark, so I'm not going to be able to chastise TheSniperZERO for being an arrogant prick, or taunt that hollow-brained meat puppet Edward Boner into changing his Blogger template again. There is simply no time for such nonsense today, regardless of how mindlessly enjoyable it is for me. Let's just get to the questions.
Q: Did you receive some troubling news?
A: I sure did, and it had nothing to do with the results of my syphilis test. The week had been pretty benign until I saw this message. It seems that StovepipeBender, longtime proprietor of the Honor Roll, has decided to close his site forever. In all honesty, I'm having trouble finding a way to put a positive spin on such a tragic event. This is a day of mourning here at the Picture Clinic.
What I find the most disheartening is that someone who once cared so much about our community can now simply "fail" to. I guess that's the nature of humanity. Life is just a series of passing fancies, and the things you care about today might not be the things you care about next year.
My main gripe with the loss of this resource lies in the fact that StovepipeBender implicitly states he won't provide the site code, and not to even ask for it. Why not? I may be missing something, but I don't see what the big deal is. While it's true that the Scrutinizer does a better job of tracking Fark PS contests, I always liked the presentation and interface of the Honor Roll. It was simplistic, and easy to use.
Many thanks to StovepipeBender for providing such a great resource. It certainly was handy for checking out other people's work. I guess the Scrutinizer is the last word in PS archival for now. If anything happens to the Mr Squirrel, we're screwed.
Q: When was the Golden Age of Photoshopping?
A: This is actually a pretty good question. A plagiarized composite of a PSAEF debate, but a relevant query nonetheless. The discussion of the StovepipeBender's departure prompted an inquisition into the current relevance of photoshopping in the Fark community.
Some claim voting is down, and that the quality of work has degraded to a sub-par level. They use evidence gathered from the Scrutinizer to show that the average votes per contest have declined, and conclude the high turnover rate of participants proves that viewers are leaving in droves.
Apparently, though obscured by the mists of time, there once existed a halcyon paradise of photoshopping delight, where every entry got over 100 votes and nobody used clichés. This Golden Age, the storied past of our once-great community, now exists only in the memory of a few survivors. It is the duty of all Silver Age 'shoppers to pass these legends along to the Bronze and Aluminum Age. Otherwise, how will next generation know that the photoshoppers of the past were better in every way? Suck it, future!
Q: So why is voting down?
A: It could be any number of reasons. Lunar cycle, gypsy curse, swamp gas, or it may even correlate to the migratory habits of waterfowl. There's just no telling. Everyone has their own hypothesis, and it would take far too much time to list all of them here. Personally, I believe that the lapse in voting is due to the dispersal of Fark's audience. There are way more news aggregate sites and PS contest forums now then there were a few years ago. It's only natural for people to spread out, get tired of "the same old shit" or otherwise move on with their lives. When they leave, their votes leave, too.
If users get tired of Fark and set out for greener pastures, it really has nothing to do with the quality of the photoshop contest entries. There are much larger forces at work here, like varying standards of rule enforcement, an unpopular redesign, and persistent server errors that cause the entire site to crash. Shit like that is hardly our fault. Every time Fark fucks up, where do you think people go? Somewhere else. I guess a few of them stay there, too.
That's all for this time, gentle reader. I was going to debut the newest Clinic feature today, but recent events have convinced me to hold off briefly. I'm just going to close out the post by reminding everyone to keep things in perspective. Regardless of how you feel about the current state of Fark PS, try to remember that the present is all we have. At least until I perfect my time machine.
Stay tuned for more temporal displacement from the Doctor!
