Friday Q&A

Questionable Interpretation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another fine edition of the Friday Q&A. I hope everyone's having a good holiday break. All this downtime has probably given you a chance to do some serious thinking. Don't worry, I'm sure the headache will go away after a while. Let's get to the questions, shall we?

Q: Do you have a retraction to make?

A: As a matter of fact, yes I do. In last week's comment section, I misquoted the total number of TheSniperZERO's Fark PS contest entries as 149 instead of 191. I regret this glaring inaccuracy and promise to more closely check my facts in the future.

Q: What's Boner been up to?

A: Apparently, he's been indiscriminately hate spamming a few of my favorite PSAEFers. His newest tactic is to send out a shotgun blast of moronic emails, then post some bogus nonsense on his blog where he blames me. I'm not sure why he does this, other than he must not be aware that such shenanigans can be easily traced. His ruse is utterly transparent, but I give him points for thinking like a five year-old instead of a two year-old.

Q: Is TheSniperZERO a deadbeat?

A: I'm afraid so. It looks like our good friend TSZ owes me a hundred bucks. I waited and waited, but he never went to the PSAEF to verify those absurdly ridiculous claims he made in last week's Q&A comment thread. According to his flawless logic, no user can ever get permabanned from TotalFark, because Drew "would rather see that $60 a month."
60 bucks a month? Must be for UltraFark. I told him that if he could get a mod to back up this horse shit, I'd wire 100 American dollars into the paypal account of his choice. Since he didn't do it, he now owes me a hundred bucks. Fair is fair. Pay up, bitch.

Well that's all for this week, gentle reader. I'd better be going, since I still have a few gifts to open. It looks like my good buddy TheSniperZERO sent me a large, ticking bomb-shaped present. Wasn't that nice of him? You really shouldn't have, TSZ. I'm going to go open it right now!

Stay tuned for more explosions from the Doctor!

Christmas with the Doctor 2007

The Picture Clinic: Holiday Edition

Season's greetings, crickets and elves! Welcome to the first annual Picture Clinic Christmas Special. Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. Why not grab some figgy pudding and join me by the fire? This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. In the spirit of the season, I have prepared an exclusive animated feature. I hope it will help teach you all the true meaning of Christmas, just like it did for me.

As you can see, Christmas isn't about giving or receiving. It apparently has something to do with elves. Or decorating trees. At least that's my interpretation. Hey, I'm on my eleventeenth cup of eggnog at this point. Give me a break. On that note, I'm going to close out the post by saying merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Festivus to each and every one of you.

Stay tuned for schmaltzy holiday-themed posts from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Relaxation

Hello once again, crickets and trolls. Welcome to yet another edition of the Friday Q&A. Since it's almost Christmas, I'm very busy here at the Clinic. I'm afraid that I just don't have time for your infantile questions today. I'm going to take a page from my good friend TheSniperZERO, and phone it in. Let's get started, but keep in mind that I won't be giving any answers.

Q: You won't be answering ANY questions?

A: No, not this week. Sorry, but I just don't have time. I hope you understand. We'll be returning to our regular format in the next edition. For now, you're just going to have to get by on your own.

Q: So why post anything at all?

A: Hate blogging doesn't take a holiday. I have to give Boner and TheSniperZERO something to read, after all. They're both such morons that they feel the need to spend every waking minute chained to my blog. This place is like an inescapable prison for those jerks. And I'm the world's happiest warden.

Q: The sand in Boner's vagina has sand in its vagina.

A: Please phrase your questions in the form of a question. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to be answering them. I guess it doesn't matter. Looks like we're pretty much done for this week, anyway.

That's all for today, gentle reader. I have to go work on my upcoming Christmas post. Also, stay tuned for a brand new TSZ hate blog, coming in 2008! Since the year is winding down, I want to thank each of you for being yourselves. You'll never know how much joy you've given me.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Moderation

Hello again, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. It was an exciting week at Fark, and there were many interesting developments. I won't waste time with a bunch of idle ramblings here in the intro. Let's get right to the questions.

Q: What did you do during the Fark outages this week?

A: I've taken up knitting. Just two more outages and I'll have a sweater. I hope the rest of you are resisting the temptation to visit other websites. From what I can tell, they don't like Farkers very much. That's funny, because I don't really like other websites. Besides Blogger, of course.

Q: What's going on with TFD?

A: We're in the midst of a Totalfark Discussion thread crackdown. From the sound of this message , the Powers That Be are on the verge of revoking our discussion privileges entirely. To be honest, I don't think it will ever come to that. Sounds like the type of "I'll turn this car around" empty threat that parents use. TFD threads are really the only thing Totalfark has going for it, besides the ability to post early in PS contests. No one really cares to see a bunch of the same links over and over again. There's a whole subset of the community that rarely, if ever, leaves TFD. Chase them off, and eventually all you'll be left with is a bunch of pissy Totalfark PSers. The horror.

Q: Have you talked to TheSniperZERO lately?

A: As a matter of fact, I have. In our last chat, TSZ actually signed in with his own name. We had a lively discussion about how I'm a liar and nobody cares what I think. Then he proclaimed that I was BO'B and "a waste of time." I was just thankful he left my parents out of it. That was a few days ago, and he hasn't logged in since. Good riddance. I prefer to chat with friendly people.

That's all for this edition, gentle reader. I'm still hard at work on that new TSZ hate blog. You'll be seeing it real soon. Since it's nearly Christmas, take time to hug your family and tell them you need to borrow $5000 again. You're good for it.

Stay tuned for more holiday greetings from the Doctor!

A Friendly Chat: Part II

Spiraling into O'Blivion

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the second installment of a Friendly Chat. This week, TSZ has a brand new suspect for my alter ego. Care to guess who? I'll give you a hint: reread the above title line. According to TheSniperZERO, I am now Brian O'Blivion. Sorry, TSZ. BO'B and I are two very different people with vastly divergent reasons for hating you. I don't know what to say. If you can't narrow down your enemies list to a baker's dozen, it may be time for an attitude adjustment.

Let's just get to the damn chat:

You have joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
TheSniperZERO has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Hi.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: How are you?

There was an incredibly long pause here. Why log in if you aren't going to chat?

Photoshoptor_Doctor: What's wrong?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You seem tense, pal.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: TSZ: You suck, and are lame.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: nighty nite.
TheSniperZERO was kicked from Picture_Clinic_Chat by Photoshoptor_Doctor for: being a dick.

Two seconds pass. Two fucking seconds. Is this the digital equivalent of calling me up and breathing into the phone?

TheSniperZERO has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Hi again, TSZ.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Still not talking?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You should think about jumping in front of a subway train.
TheSniperZERO was kicked from Picture_Clinic_Chat by Photoshoptor_Doctor for: odoriferous jackassery.

OK, that was harsh. I certainly don't want anyone to kill themselves. Every life is valuable, even the lives of scum. At any rate, I didn't have to wait long for TSZ to return. Try five seconds.

TheSniperZERO has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: What are you trying to prove, TSZ?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: The game is up.
TheSniperZERO was kicked from Picture_Clinic_Chat by Photoshoptor_Doctor for: living.

At this point, it should be obvious to TSZ that I know who he is, and can kick him from my chat for any reason I see fit. What does he do? He loads the page twice, trying to make me think that he's two people.

TheSniperZERO1 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
TheSniperZERO2 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.

I find it insulting that he I thought I'd be so easily fooled. It was time for TheSniperZERO to meet some friends of mine.

the_doctor has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
The_Photoshotor_doctor has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
The_Photoshotor_doctor: Hi TSZ. And TSZ.
Guest6890 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Guest1868 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.

I had anticipated an attempted sock puppet attack on my chat, so I'd previously registered just about every derivative of Photoshoptor Doctor possible. Of course, Snipey is so dumb that he thought I was a gang of people.

Photoshoptor_Doctor: Quite a crowd tonight.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Is everyone good?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Need a beverage?
Guest1868: Hey Doc. You rule. The Sniper sucks.
TheSniperZERO1 : Which one of you is AJ?
Guest1868: Hi TSZ.
Guest1868: None of us are.
Guest1868: No AJs here, asshat.
TheSniperZERO1 : I must be in an alternate universe then. My mistake.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Come on, TSZ. Let's talk.
TheSniperZERO1 has left the chat.
TheSniperZERO2 has left the chat.

For those who don't know, AJ is apparently BO'B's meat world name. At any rate, that was all for a couple hours. Since TSZ was too scared to face off with the Doctor, I decided to see what would happen if I disguised my identity. In this session, I call myself "Guest1368." TheSniperZERO plays the role of "Guest1716".

You have joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Guest1716 has joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Guest1716: hello?
Guest1368: hey
Guest1368: what's up?
Guest1716: what's up
Guest1368: i asked you.
Guest1716: Not much. Just chillin...
Guest1716: Where are you located?
Guest1716: I'm in NC
Guest1368: orly
Guest1716: Plainsboro to be exact
Guest1716: You?

I don't even know who TSZ is trying to imitate at this point. Who the hell lives in Plainsboro, NC? That's such a weird choice. He could have said anywhere in the world. Of course, we all know he lives in NYC.

Guest1368: TSZ, you're so full of shit.
Guest1368: I'm in New York City.
Guest1716: No not this again AJ
Guest1368: just chillin
Guest1716: haha
Guest1368: AJ?
Guest1716: Don't play stupid BoB

Let me make this perfectly clear to you, TSZ: I am not Brian O'Blivion. BO'B does not comment on this blog. He is in no way affiliated with the Picture Clinic. Please think twice before you and Boner go filling up this week's Q&A with a hundred 'Hi BO'B!" posts.

Guest1368: TSZ you're a cocksucker.
Guest1716: Yeah, we all know
Guest1368: So that's your new suspect?
Guest1368: Hilarious.
Guest1716: Nope. He'll post it on his blog when he finds out
Guest1716 has left the chat.

So basically, the suspect du jour is Brian O'Blivion. What happened TSZ? I thought you were 100% positive I was prufrock2. I guess you won't mind disclosing the anonymous source that provided your "proof," since his bogus claims basically made you look like a jackass. I'm not even going to bring up poor Texaco Saves, who made the foolish mistake of existing in the same space/time continuum as you. I guess I have to close out this post with an apology to BO'B for TSZ's attempted slander. And I'll go ahead and make a preemptive apology to the next falsely-accused PSer. Then again, maybe TSZ will realize how stupid he looks grasping at straws so we can move on to the next phase.

Stay tuned for more wishful thinking from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Retaliation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Has it been a week already? I guess time flies when you're baiting some miserable prick into an endless blog war. Welcome once again to the Friday Q&A, where I try my best to answer your idiotic questions. We better not waste any time, or Boner might write more poems about us.

Q: Why does TheSniperZERO insist on signing his comments "anonymous?"

A: What a stupid question. The answer couldn't be more obvious. He's a huge bitch. He has a blogger account, but he's too much of a coward to log in. It doesn't matter, because I know exactly which comments are left by TSZ. Spoiler alert: they usually have something to do with how I'm wasting my time. Clearly I'm not. It would be a waste of time if I didn't get a rise out of him. Watching that bastard squirm and pretend to be other people is truly hilarious. Mainly because it simply doesn't work. His knee-jerk reactions have given me enough fodder for a thousand posts. I must say, it feels good to pull the strings of a puppet master. It's the main reason I got into this game in the first place.

Q: Did Fark have more outages this week?

A: In the last few days, Fark has crashed more than a 90 year-old woman driving a Lamborghini at top speed. I honestly don't mind, because it's given me extra time to focus on responding to as much of TheSniperZERO's trollspam as humanly possible. Speaking of which, get ready for the unveiling of an all new TSZ hate blog. Because you can never have enough TSZ hate blogs.

Q: With all the problems Fark has been having, from rampant database crashes to unrestrained trolling, have you ever considered leaving for another web community?

A: No. You fucking idiot.

That's all for this edition, gentle reader. I hope you'll join me for the upcoming second chapter of A Friendly Chat, as well as the next installment of the Blog Directory. I've also got a few surprises up my sleeve, just to keep you guessing. As always, I want to take some time at the end to taunt Edward Boner, the stupidest troll on the Internet. Hey Boner! You're a lame excuse for an adversary. I'm not seeing nearly enough poems from you. How else are people going to know that you're mad at me? You and TSZ need to crawl back into your respective holes for the winter.

Stay tuned for more demoralizing insults from the Doctor!

A Friendly Chat: Part I

Sock it to Me

Hello there, crickets and trolls. As you all know, I recently introduced a chat room to the Clinic. There was no way I could have anticipated the response. Clinic Chat is fast becoming our most popular feature. At least with TheSniperZERO. The portion I am presenting today is unedited, save for some minor spelling corrections. I have also updated the text written by TSZ to bear his own name, instead of the anonymous "guest" account he insists on using. Rest assured, the overall message has gone unchanged.

In this first transcript, we see how quickly TSZ falls in to his old sock puppet antics:

You have joined Picture_Clinic_Chat.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Hey TSZ. How ya doin?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Say something or you're a bitch.
TheSniperZERO: Actually, it's Bill lol
TheSniperZERO: Sup Doc?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You're not Bill
TheSniperZERO: Yes I am. How can I prove it?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Do you think I'm stupid?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: I know you're not Bill. I KNOW you're TSZ. Just be yourself.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: We need to talk.

This tactic just seemed so absurd to me. Could TheSniperZERO actually have thought that he could pass himself off as Olapbill? Please don't insult our intelligence, TSZ. Not everyone has their head rammed squarely up their ass like you do. The charade began to unravel rapidly at this point. "Guest7078" was about to admit his true identity. Not that we needed him to.

Photoshoptor_Doctor: How pathetic. You have my sympathy, but not my mercy.
TheSniperZERO: Okay. You found me out. I can't hide my identity any longer
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Correct.
TheSniperZERO: Guest7078 is Me! thesniperzero
Photoshoptor_Doctor: I know.
TheSniperZERO: How did you ever find me out?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: I'm smart
TheSniperZERO: You should change your name to Sherlock because you are so smart
Photoshoptor_Doctor: No need for that. I just like to pwn you. Not solve crimes.
TheSniperZERO: I will humor you. I am TSZ. Talk to me
Photoshoptor_Doctor: OK. I think you suck.
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Try acting like a human sometime. You might like it.
TheSniperZERO: Yep you have. I can't concentrate. My sex life is a shambles. I can't work. I don't even know how photoshop works anymore .

I believe him when he says he can't work. This guy spends 90% of his office hours fighting my blog. That can't leave much time to get anything else done. At least not very well. I can't speak for his sex life, but if it's anything like his PS skills, there wasn't much going on there to begin with.

TheSniperZERO: You sure have owned me. OMG
Photoshoptor_Doctor: You had a sex life?
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Now I've heard everything.
TheSniperZERO: Yes. But your mom just wasn't my taste
TheSniperZERO: and your dad kept wanting to fuck me in the ass
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Go do some more Star Wars pics. You've never met my mom.
TheSniperZERO: and it was distracting
TheSniperZERO: they kept talking about how you were a major disappointment
Photoshoptor_Doctor: Is that the best you can do?
TheSniperZERO: and not only an accident... but a mistake
TheSniperZERO: so, while I've met your parents you never have
TheSniperZERO: since you were put up for adoption

For someone who likes to "psych profile" others, TSZ is apparently not familiar with the concept of projection. Maybe this quote from our 100% accurate friend Wikipedia will enlighten him.

"In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them."

So basically, TSZ vents his frustration with his own family and apparent closeted sexual deviance by insulting whomever he happens to disagree with. What's great about this technique is that it works in just about any situation. Should you ever find yourself differing in opinion from TheSniperZERO, you will no doubt suddenly become a gay, retarded fast-food worker. Oh, won't your adopted parents be proud?

Our conversation continued on for a few more moments, and then he declared that he was "bored" and logged off. So bored, apparently, that he only managed to log back into the chat room seven more times that night. A transcript of those conversations will be displayed in Part II of A Friendly Chat. You won't want to miss it.

That's all for today, gentle reader. See you tomorrow for the Friday Q&A. Will TSZ and Boner fill up the comment section of this week's edition with dozens of asinine attempts at trolling? Only time will tell.

Stay tuned for more examples of how TSZ is a miserable prick from the Doctor!