Friday Q&A

Questionable Repetition

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I hope everyone had a nice Christmas. With the rush of the holiday season, it looks like there just isn't enough time to answer your idiotic questions this week. To any readers who may rely on this feature's accuracy, I offer my sincerest apologies. I also have to wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Q: You aren't going to answer any questions this week?

A: I'm afraid not. Apparently my schedule just won't allow for it. I hope you can understand. Next week will see the return of our standard format, so just stay calm until then. Do not attempt to answer questions on your own! My research indicates that you are ill-suited for such a task.

Q: Didn't you do this last year?

A: I certainly did. Regular visitors to the Clinic may recall that I pulled a similar stunt last Christmas. Of course, hate-blogging doesn't take a vacation. If you disagree with me about Photoshop, fuck off. Go hit yourself in the head with a claw hammer, shit dick. Hopefully, the preceding tirade will satisfy your recommended weekly allowance of bile.

Q: TSZ blows goats.

A: Such an eloquent statement. Have you ever considered hate-blogging? For future reference, please phrase your questions in the form of a question. But I guess it doesn't matter since I'm not answering anyway.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Look for my upcoming New Year's edition, where I count down the top hate blog postings of 2008. You won't want to miss it. When the time comes to hand out praise, I'm always the first to pat myself on the back.

Stay tuned for more self-congratulatory pap from the Doctor!

Christmas with the Doctor 2008

The Picture Clinic: Holiday Edition

Season's greetings, crickets and elves! Welcome to the second annual Picture Clinic Christmas Edition. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? Good tidings to you, and all of your kin. Unless you disagree with me, in which case I sincerely hope you die. That being said, the holidays are a time to set differences aside. I have no qualms with that, assuming you admit to being a complete jackass.


This really is the most wonderful time of the year. The holidays are a season for sharing, whether you share venereal disease or self-righteous moral certitude. Personally, I make a habit of both. There's no such thing as too much sharing (unless you're the RIAA). On that note, I'm going to close this post by wishing a merry Christmas to you all!

Stay tuned for more good will from the Doctor!

The Doctor's Gift Guide

The Year of Giving Dangerously

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome to the first annual Doctor's Gift Guide. Hopefully you've followed my advice, and put off Christmas shopping until the very last minute. Times are tough, and many Americans have a pretty slim budget this holiday season. Don't worry, I'm here to help! If you've actually purchased any gifts, just throw them in the garbage or burn them. You can't afford to waste a single dollar with the economy like this!

Gifts to Give:

1. Nothing: Every gift makes a statement, so why not say nothing? After all, nothing says nothing like nothing!

2. Name a fake star: There are quite a few websites that allow you to name a star after your loved one for a nominal price. They even provide you with a certificate of authenticity to validate your purchase. Of course, any good Photoshopper can replicate the certificate's design in a few minutes. No need to waste money on what is ostensibly the lamest gift imaginable. Follow my advice, and you could give the lamest gift imaginable for free!

3. Expired medication: Everyone likes pills! Now you can thrill your loved ones with the fun and mystery of taking an unknown controlled substance, whilst ridding your medicine cabinet of any unwanted Cipro or anti-psychotic drugs.

4. Charitable donation: Instead of spending big bucks on presents for your kids, just lie and tell them you gave all their gifts away to the Salvation Army. That way your kids learn a valuable lesson about giving, and you save a bit of cash. The needy families don't actually get anything, but they're probably too busy picking through the garbage for their next meal to notice.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Sorry there weren't more options in the Gift Guide this year. What can I say? Times are tough. Hopefully, these money-saving tips will allow you to enjoy the holiday season without breaking your budget. I think you'll find it's still possible to enjoy the warmth of family togetherness without decadent luxuries like mp3 players, video games, plasma TVs, food, clothing or basic medical care.

Stay tuned for more season's greetings from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Colorization

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. Season's greetings to you all, unless you disagree with me. Christmas is just a few short days away! I love to spread peace and joy during this magical time of year, at least amongst the dozen or so people who haven't made my shit list. Thanks for joining me today. This week's questions address a number of concerns with the quality of recently approved Photoshop links.

Q: Why are people so mad about the queue?

A: There will always be a level of frustration with the Photoshop queue. PSers have varied tastes, and too many greenlights of a specific type will cause rumblings amongst the various factions. Last year's flap concerned the abundance of so-called "jumping O's." The carping over that particular type of image became somewhat of a cliche itself. In 2008, black and white pictures are fast becoming the new "jumping O." Their presence in the queue has dwarfed that of themes and Iron Photoshop contests. Thus the unrest has begun anew.

Q: What's the best kind of contest?

A: That depends on whom you ask. Some PSers prefer working with an O, whilst others enjoy the freestyle nature of theme contests. Admins have the unenviable task of accommodating both sides. If enough themes aren't approved, or if too many of the O's are black and white, people start bitching. It takes a soft touch to please the Photoshop masses. Unfortunately, displeasure with the queue seems to be fairly universal right now. Themes have taken a back seat in recent months, with many going live on weekends or late at night. Approved O's have increasingly been b&w, blurry, too busy or otherwise ill-suited for Photoshopping.

Q: How do we solve this problem?

A: First of all, not everyone sees a problem with the recently approved Photoshop links. Some people like colorizing pictures, after all. However, even they have to admit there's been an over-abundance of b&w images in recent months. Short of complaining to the PSAEF, there's not much the average PSer can do. Boycotting the contests won't work. Neither will voting -1 on a thread that people have already posted entries in. That just insults anyone who actually tried to make something of the image. The best course of action is to submit stuff that you do like, and hope it gets approved. Flood the queue with open-ended themes and good quality color images. Short of a DDOS attack on Shorpy.com, that's pretty much our only option.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks so much for stopping by. I want to congratulate TheSniperZERO, who recently took time out from trolling the Clinic to actually make some Photoshops. He even helped out during this week's theme drought by submitting a thread. Way to go, TSZ! Hopefully no "stewpid newbs" brushed up against you in the process.

Stay tuned for more sanitary concerns from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Interrogation

Greetings, crickets and trolls. Welcome back to another edition of the Friday Q&A. I'm sending holiday cheer to each and every one of you that agrees with me. Christmas is right around the corner! There's a fat man making a list and checking it twice. No, I'm not talking about TheSniperZERO. He doesn't update his list of enemies until mid January. TSZ also doesn't have the mental capacity to check anything twice, given his propensity for spelling mistakes. Speaking of everyone's favorite Photoshop troll, this week's questions are inspired by a WHARGARBL-style rant he left in the comment section of my last post. Sorry to divert attention from the important topics at hand, but he raised some issues I'd like to discuss.

Q: Are you a journalist?

A: Absolutely not. Anyone who would mistake the Picture Clinic for journalism must really have something wrong with his penis. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a journalist. I am a blogger. Journalists are professionals with years of training. They search out the facts, and never let their opinions get in the way of the story. With such strong integrity, it's no wonder that pretty much all of their parent companies have gone bankrupt.

Q: Are you TheSniperZERO?

A: Wow, that's a new one. You heard it here first, readers. Today TSZ actually accused me of being TSZ. It's like even he knows how much of an insult that is. I feel compelled to reassure all of you that I'm not my arch-nemesis. How fucked up would that be? If I were TheSniperZERO, I'd be overcome by depression because of how much I would suck at Photoshop. I would also need to pay a homeless person fifty bucks to slice my face with a rusty box cutter. If you've ever seen a picture of TSZ, you know the resulting scars would be a vast improvement.

Q: Are you a liar?

A: Of course not. I already told you, I'm not TheSniperZERO. Who needs lies, when the truth is so ridiculous? Making things up would cheapen what we have going here. A stroll through the archives of the Clinic reveals that I always tell the truth, and am 100% right about everything all of the time. No lies here, my friend. This website remains the center of reason for the Fark Photoshop-related blog universe. But if it would please my critic(s) , I'll give lying a try: TheSniperZERO is a decent human being. I would urinate on him, if his body were ever to become engulfed in flames. There, now I'm a filthy liar. Happy?

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Stay tuned for the upcoming Doctor's Gift Guide, and please try not to mistake it for serious journalism. I want to thank TSZ for resurfacing, like a turd in the toilet of whatever bus station men's room he currently inhabits. Way to go, TSZ. It's good to know that I can still provoke you after all this time.

Stay tuned for more smug satisfaction from the Doctor!

Friday Q&A

Questionable Version

Greetings, crickets and trolls. How nice of you to join me for another edition of the Friday Q&A. With the holiday season beginning, I hope we can put our differences behind us and move forward together in the spirit of positivity. As long as you admit that you're 100% wrong and a jackass. Let's agree to agree while I answer this week's questions.

Q: When is the TotalFark convention?

A: That's a damn good question. When Drew introduced ads to TF, he promised a number of trade offs to make up for the lameness of advertising on a pay site. One such trade off was the UltraFark email domain, which is currently being offered to users who purchase a six month subscription. Along with the email system, Drew also announced a yearly TotalFark-only convention. No further details were given, but it was assumed that the festivities would involve five hundred people camped out on his living room floor with sleeping bags.

Q: Will we ever see a return to 700 pixel width for Photoshop entries?

A: This question is mulled over periodically in the Photoshop community, but never gets an official response. You may recall that before the Fark redesign, Photoshop contest entries could be a maximum of 700 pixels in width. Then along came Fark 2.0, and suddenly we had a new 640 width restriction to deal with and collectively "get over." The disappointing official response to this problem is something most site regulars would rather forget. Look for changes sometime after Hell freezes over, but slightly before pigs fly.

Q: Why does Fark's management continue to ignore our concerns?

A: The powers that be are in no hurry to address any issues of site layout, no matter how shrill the cries of their detractors may be. Unfortunate, because Fark's ad space is poorly utilized. A few simple changes would allow for wider comments. But what happens? Those 340 gray pixels continue to mock us as we resize our latest artistic masterpiece and/or fart joke to fit the 640 restriction.

That's all for this time, gentle reader. Thanks again for stopping by. Remember to voice your concerns about problems like the size restriction in a constructive manner. Hopefully, Drew will take the width issue into consideration when Fark 3.0 is one day introduced. While the majority of regular Farkers have moved on, most Photoshoppers would like their 60 pixels back.

Stay tuned for more obvious understatements from the Doctor!